CHAPTER 20
Lauren
“This had better be important.” The door flew open revealing a wet Graham with a towel draped around his hips and another in his hand.
He froze.
I froze.
Every conversation I’d had with Jack since he’d seen Graham flew through my mind. Jack warned me that he was still angry. Of course, he’d been most vocal after one of Graham’s teammates had broken his nose.
Jack hadn’t liked it when I’d told him he’d deserved it, but I didn’t care. My brother could try to justify what he’d done all he wanted, even tell me it wasn’t any of my business, but he’d selfishly changed all of our lives.
“Lauren.” Graham didn’t need to say more than my name. His tone said enough. I was an unwelcome surprise on his doorstep. “Shit.”
I stood there looking for the man I loved in the face of this stranger. Graham had to still be inside his body, but he wasn’t showing. “Are you going to invite me in?”
He glanced over his shoulder then said, “Give me a minute,” and closed the door in my face. If I hadn’t known him most of my life, if he didn’t have an entire section of my heart dedicated to him, I would have walked away. My pride told me I should. I hadn’t gone to see him to appease my pride, though.
Kelley had advised me to make sure I was there for the right reason. Answers. Possibly closure. I swore I was. Waiting gave me too much time to hope I knew what I was doing. Just like a month without Graham had shown me some of the best and the worst I could be.
I didn’t want to be angry anymore. I didn’t want to wake up each morning asking myself where we would be if I had done things differently. I wanted to take back every nasty message I’d left Graham—or for him to say that he’d wisely deleted them—unheard.
Unrealistic and selfish, but impossible to deny, was the hope I held in my heart that when I saw him I would say something so perfect that I’d find myself once again in his arms, his bed, his heart.
What felt like an eternity later, he opened the door again dressed in a T-shirt and jogging pants. “Come in.”
I stepped inside and took a quick look around. It was definitely a successful man’s apartment, dark furniture, dark carpeting, modern. Was there a woman in the other room? I didn’t know how I would handle it if one walked out of his bedroom. I folded my arms across my chest. “Is this a bad time?”
Graham pocketed his hands and shook his head. “I was going to call you.”
“Were you?”
He ran a hand through his hair. “Leaving the way I did was a dick move. I know. I’m sorry.”
He didn’t sound sorry. He was angry. Impatient. And he looked tenser than I’d ever seen him before. Where was the Graham I loved? The one who had always brought a smile to my face? “That’s it?”
“What do you want me to say?”
“I want you to tell me why you left while I was still sleeping. Why you haven’t so much as answered one of my texts since then.” Time became elastic, stretching each painful second I waited for his response until I couldn’t hold my silence. “Say something.”
“I don’t know what you want me to say. I’m sorry.”
“That you’re not cutting me out of your life,” I said in a strangled voice.
“I’m not.” His hands fisted at his sides. “I’ve got some stuff I need to figure out then I’ll call you. I promise. But you should go.”
Bile rose in my throat. “No. Not until you talk to me. We can fix this.”
He turned away from me. “Don’t do this to yourself. I’m not worth it.”
“Yes, you are. I don’t hate you. I could forgive you anything, Graham, if you just tell me why.” I meant every word. Our history of laughter and kindness was a solid base—at least in my heart. “Everything happened so fast. You had just lost Hope—”
He whipped back around, his eyes flashed with anger. “I don’t give a shit about Hope.”
“It’s understandable to be confused.”
“I’m not confused. And don’t try to analyze me. One year of psychology doesn’t make you a fucking shrink.”
“I do have a psych degree—never mind. You’re obviously angry. Is it with me? Talk to me.” He met my gaze but said nothing. There was a wall up between us that had never been there. I was desperate to break past it and talk to my best friend. I took out my phone and opened my photos. “I went scuba diving in the Bahamas.”
His eyebrows furrowed and he leaned closer to see the photo. “No shit. I’m proud of you.”
With my heart beating wildly in my chest, I swiped to another photo. “This is me skydiving in California.” His expression was tight and pained, much like how my chest felt. “I did almost everything on the list, but I left some to do with you. I can’t let you remain a pussy when it comes to swimming with manatees.”
He almost smiled at that, but then his expression darkened again. “I know I hurt you, Peanut.”
I stepped closer and flipped to photos of me white water rafting and then on a Skycoaster. “You didn’t. You challenged me and I grew from it. You’re not bad for me, Graham. Look.” I tried to hand him my phone.
He stepped back. “Go home, Lauren.”
I advanced. “Not until I know you’re okay. We’re okay. Are we still friends? Do you hate me? What can I do to make this better?”
His face went white. “I don’t want you here. What do I have to do for you to hear me?”
“You don’t mean that.”
“I do.”
“Oh.” I did what I swore I wouldn’t do: I started to tear up.
He grabbed my arms and pulled me to him for an angry, painful kiss I didn’t understand. I pushed away and he released me. My hand went to my tender lips and I shook my head while I backed away.
“Lauren,” he said in a tortured tone.
I backed my way across the room, knowing that I had to leave. He’d given me no choice. I wasn’t afraid of him because he was Graham, but I wasn’t communicating with the man I loved. He was obviously locked away in the body of the man I didn’t understand. The Graham I knew didn’t want to come out and talk to me. But at least I tried. “It’s okay,” I said because I didn’t know what else to say.
Things weren’t okay, but I’d have to live with his decision somehow.
“No,” he said as he advanced to the door with me. “It’s not.”