CHAPTER 7
Graham
What in the hell had I just done?
Okay. Yeah. I was drunk, but I wasn’t that intoxicated. I should have put a stop to Lauren’s explorations the moment I felt myself getting hard. But had I done that? Hell, no.
She was drunk, and I’d taken advantage of that fact the minute I’d gotten all hot and bothered while I was thinking about her making herself come. She hadn’t exactly been coming on to me. It was a simple conversation about the woman in my arms fingering herself to ecstasy. But I’d been able to see it in my mind, and it was one of the hottest fantasies I’d ever had. I’d completely lost it.
I’d moved us to the couch with Lauren still in my lap, and I was hanging on to her like I couldn’t fucking let her go. And to be honest, I was pretty sure I couldn’t release her. Not like this. Not after I’d hurt her and made her cry.
Lauren is like a sister to me.
At least, that’s what I’d always told myself. But I’d been feeling far from brotherly when she’d shared the fact that she’d lost her virginity to some prick at her college. I hadn’t wanted to talk about her experience because it actually pissed me off. For some weird reason, I hated thinking about anybody touching Lauren. It made me want to kill the bastard who had initiated her to sex without pleasure.
For some reason, Lauren had never seen herself as beautiful. She’d accused me of not believing that anybody would want to nail her. In reality, I was surprised she’d stayed innocent as long as she had. She had to have guys crawling all over her. It wasn’t like I’d never noticed her curvy body myself once she’d hit adulthood, but I’d instantly shut down any carnal thoughts about her. She was one of my best friends.
Now, I couldn’t do anything but notice her. Lauren had a body made for sin. I was a big guy, and I loved the feel of her body against mine. She was full and lush, and she didn’t shy away from passion. What had just happened had been completely raw and primitive.
Until I’d screwed up and hurt her in some way.
Her blonde hair was slightly curly, and I’d just discovered it was as soft as silk.
Her pussy had taken my cock like a tight, hot glove. Being inside her had been like coming home, and I’d never actually had a real place where I belonged. The sensation had been so damn heady that I hadn’t been able to stop myself.
“You okay?” I rasped against her ear.
Jesus! I felt guilty as hell about hurting her. Had she been in physical pain? She was almost a virgin, and I was a pretty big guy.
“I’m fine. I’m sorry,” she said in a hesitant voice.
“I hurt you. You don’t need to be sorry.”
“It didn’t hurt,” she said in a hushed voice.
As she lifted her head, I plucked the glasses off her face and cleaned them with my T-shirt, a habit I’d been doing for so long it was automatic. Lauren usually had a smudge or two on the lenses.
I glanced at her earnest blue eyes as I slid the glasses back onto her face. “Then why were you crying?”
“It’s complicated.”
Shit! I hated anything complicated unless it involved football, but I couldn’t resist answering, “I’ve got nothing but time right now. Tell me.”
“I wanted to have sex with you,” she blurted out. “I feel like we’ll never see each other again.”
I was stroking a hand down her bare back, and I couldn’t stop. Her skin was so damn soft. “We can’t have sex, Lauren. What happened wasn’t right.”
She wasn’t the type of woman I could just screw and forget about. We’d been through everything together, and we’d known each other forever. Losing her friendship would be like cutting off my throwing arm.
“It felt right,” she said in a contemplative tone. “Until it didn’t.”
It had felt pretty damn good for me, too, but I wasn’t going to admit that right now. “What happened?”
“I realized how selfish I was being. I wanted something for myself when you were the one who had his life destroyed. And now you’ll probably feel guilty about having sex with me.”
“We didn’t technically have sex. We didn’t finish.” Much to my disappointment. But I couldn’t come when she was practically sobbing.
Lauren’s tears were definitely a boner killer. I never could stand to see her cry.
She rolled her eyes. “Does it matter?”
“It matters to me.” I would have given my right nut to have finished inside her. “And I don’t feel guilty. We’re both single, and we both wanted it. That’s not selfish. And just for the record, I have no intention of saying goodbye to you, Peanut.”
She looked startled as she asked, “You don’t? Really? After what happened with Jack, how can things ever be the same?”
I shrugged. “Maybe they won’t be the same. Maybe things will be different. Jack won’t be in the picture anymore because I’m going to kill him. But I’m not losing you over what happened with Jack and Hope. It’s not your fault.”
Something had happened tonight that had changed our relationship, and I knew we could never go back. Nothing was the same, but I sure as hell wasn’t going to lose our friendship over it. I’d known her too long. We’d shared too much over the years.
She nodded slowly. “I was so afraid that tonight would be the last time we ever saw each other again. You cut people out of your life when you’re hurting.”
Both of my grandparents had passed away, but I still didn’t talk to the aunt who had rejected me as a kid. So there was some truth to her statement.
Yeah, there was a whole other side of me that Lauren didn’t know, but she knew me more than people ever would. I couldn’t just throw that kind of relationship away.
“Not happening. I need you to come to my games and root for the Cats,” I teased.
“I’ll be there if you want me.”
My chest ached as I watched her expression change from sadness to hope. “I’ll always want you,” I told her honestly.
Problem was, I needed her in a whole new horny guy kind of way now, and my dick wasn’t going to let me forget how damn good she’d felt wrapped around my cock.
She sighed. “My brain sucks sometimes. Now I wish we could have finished. I didn’t want it to end.”
“Better than Timmy?” Hell, was I actually jealous of her only lover?
She shot me a smile that had my cock coming to life again.
I’d never understand why Lauren didn’t see herself as a sexy, smart, caring woman. She was special, and it drove me crazy that she’d never found those characteristics in herself.
“It was almost orgasmic,” she joked.
“Almost? You know you wanted to come,” I grumbled.
“I want a lot of things that have never happened.”
She sounded forlorn, and I couldn’t resist asking, “What things?”
“I did want to come. It felt so much different than the orgasms I have when I play with myself.”
“Don’t go there,” I warned. The last thing I needed to visualize was Lauren getting herself off again.
“I’m book smart,” she continued. “But I haven’t really done much. I’ve never really had…an adventure of any kind.”
“Then do what you want to do,” I suggested.
Lauren had never been able to just be a kid. She’d been attending special schools and college when she should have been playing with Barbie dolls.
She shook her head. “Those silly things would be a waste of time, and my logical brain can’t comprehend doing something useless just to have the experience.”
I grinned at her. “Then I’ve pretty much been throwing away some valuable time. You can’t work or study all the time.”
Lauren was so damn smart that she sabotaged herself. She needed to learn to stop thinking sometimes.
“Maybe I’ll try,” she said nonchalantly.
“You won’t,” I told her.
She shot me a stubborn look. “I will.”
“I’ll help you,” I said, not thinking about my words before they came out of my mouth. “I know how to have fun, and how to do something just for the hell of it. But I’d need a list.”
“You’ll be busy with your new contract.”
“Not right away. I’ll have time before we start up the pre-season stuff. The season is over, and I promised myself a break. The only thing I really have to do is work on my throws. Since I injured my shoulder, my arm is a little bit off. I have to learn to compensate.”
“That makes sense,” she mused. “If you don’t have full usage, or if some of the anatomy has changed since your injury, you have to calculate what needs to be adjusted so you’re completely accurate again. But you had an amazing season.”
“I got through, and I did well, but I could be better.” I was determined to be the best damn quarterback the Cats had ever had. I wasn’t the least bit shy about taking the rewards my work had earned, but I was always pushing for better.
“I could probably help,” she suggested.
“How?”
“I do have a doctorate in condensed matter physics,” she reminded me. “Really, throwing accurately is all about the laws of physics.”
“Sometimes I forget how smart you are,” I admitted. “I’ll take any help I can get.”
She yawned right before she answered, “That’s always been something I’ve liked about you. You don’t see me as a freak.”
I gritted my teeth. “You’re not a freak. There’s nothing wrong with being gifted and focused. It makes you special. But you’re also human. Everybody needs some downtime for their sanity. Even if you don’t see the point of doing useless things. Consider it therapy.”
I stood with Lauren still in my arms. She was exhausted, and she needed to get some sleep.
Her arms shot around my neck and she let out a surprised squeak as she settled more comfortably in my arms. “So we help each other?”
I hugged her naked form to my harder frame. Having fun wasn’t the only thing I wanted to teach her, but I couldn’t let myself go there. “We help each other,” I confirmed in a voice filled with tension.
There was no way I could pretend that having her naked in my arms didn’t affect me. My dick was as hard as a rock.
Desire thrummed through my body as I carried her into the bedroom she’d claimed when she’d arrived. I ripped back the covers and sat her on the pristine white sheet.
I tried to straighten up, but Lauren still had her arms around my neck.
“I really am sorry, Graham. I won’t apologize for wanting to have sex with you, but I hate what happened with Jack and Hope.”
Damned if I was going to apologize for those brief moments of ecstasy, either. I couldn’t. It had felt too damn good, but I knew it couldn’t happen again.
Lauren was the kind of woman who deserved a solid commitment from a guy she fucked.
And I was a man who couldn’t commit.
Not to Lauren.
I cared about her too damn much.
Marrying Hope had been part of my life plan, and I’d been okay with that.
Lauren was a completely different situation.
I couldn’t lose her friendship. She’d been one of the only stable people in my life, and she’d always been there for me no matter how poor and pathetic I’d been when I was younger. Lately, since I’d had such a phenomenal season and been offered the world, I had no idea who was friend or foe. I’d gotten a lot of attention, but only because I was suddenly in the limelight.
Leaning down, I kissed her softly on the forehead. “Forget about it,” I suggested huskily. “I dodged a bullet with Hope. It’s not all bad.”
Strangely, my ex-fiancée had been the last thing on my mind for the last few hours.
“You deserve so much more,” Lauren murmured.
I wanted to tell her I didn’t deserve shit. It wasn’t like I’d done a whole lot of admirable things in my life. But that was a side of my life I didn’t discuss with anybody. “I won’t be looking for a while.”
I wasn’t ready to go in search of another perfect woman who would get me closer to my goals. Focusing on my career seemed like a much better idea.
“We could be friends with benefits,” Lauren said breathlessly. “It could work out. Neither one of us really want a relationship right now.”
We were so close that I could feel the warmth of her breath on my face. I hesitated for a moment, my eyes glued to her hopeful expression. It would be so easy to fall into her gorgeous blue eyes, and bury myself inside her fucking perfect body. Hell, I knew I’d forget that Hope even existed if I was fucking Lauren.
I’m not going to take advantage of the fact that we’re both drunk.
She’d feel differently after she slept off her buzz. I mentally noted that I hoped I’d sleep off this sudden obsession to fuck her, too. My sexual attraction to Lauren wasn’t comfortable for me. I’d always been her hero, and she’d always been my little Peanut. Looking at her differently now that she was all grown up was awkward.
She was so familiar, yet suddenly so unknown.
Our eyes locked, and it took everything I had to pull her arms from around my neck and move away from her. “I can’t,” I answered with regret. “It won’t work for me.”
Once I’d had Lauren, I’d want more. I sensed it. There was no possible way we could be fuck buddies and remain friends when it was over.
Besides, I had some powerfully protective instincts when it came to Lauren, and I was far from safe for her. I never knew I’d end up fighting myself to keep her safe, but that’s exactly what I was doing.
“Okay,” she agreed in a soft voice. “I shouldn’t have even suggested it, but what happened earlier made me want to complete the experience.”
I knew exactly how she felt. My entire body was tense, and my cock hated me at the moment for depriving it from something it desperately wanted. “We can’t always get what we want, Peanut,” I said in a graveled tone as I walked to the door, exited, and closed it firmly behind me.
I understood wanting.
Nobody knew better than me how hard it was to stop desiring things I could never have.