“You look like you’ve been crying all night,” Becca said, concerned, as she plopped onto my bed beside me.
“Why do you think I called you over here?” I asked, looking over at her. “I need my best friend right now.”
“I assume you talked to Tian last night,” she guessed.
“You would assume right,” I confirmed.
“Well, don’t leave me hanging, what did he say?” She asked impatiently, but I knew she was just curious. I could only imagine how I’d act if the situation were reversed.
“In a nutshell?” I took a deep breath, preparing myself. “When we met, I was just supposed to be fun. He’s had her the entire time, I mean, obviously with them having a kid and all, I always knew that deep down, but hearing him say it hurt a whole lot worse.”
I could feel the anger radiating from her in waves as she laid beside me, her fists clenching and unclenching and face contorting as she thought of what to say and processed the information.
“He says he loves me, and that he’s given me as much of himself as he can,” I said, sharing a little more.
Honestly? The night blended into one big crapfest that I never wanted to relive. Most of it felt like a dream, blurred and hazy, but what I could remember clearly made me want to jumpstart my heart. I wasn’t even sure it was beating much anymore. In the literal sense, sure, but I was almost certain it was broken beyond repair.
“Dramatic much?” Becca said softly, reaching over to give my hand a squeeze. I looked at her, confused. “Yeah, you said that last part out loud.”
“Huh. I thought that only happened in books.”
She laughed, and I laughed with her. “It’s so good to hear that sound, Jade. You deserve to be happy.”
“I thought I was.”
“I think you wanted to be so badly that you let yourself believe it and settled for him, a guy who was never going to be good enough for you anyway.”
“Your confidence in me is inspiring, Becca. Thanks for always having my back.”
“Yeah, well, that’s what best friends are for.”
* * *
When Monday rolled around, I got up, got dressed, did my hair and makeup, and went to school. My pain was hidden, my red-rimmed eyes not as noticeable. I was going through the motions, smiling and laughing like my heart hadn’t been tossed through a shredder.
Look good, feel good, right? Right.
I was hurting, but I wasn’t going to let it ruin my day or my life. He was just a boy. But even as the thought crossed my mind, I knew he was anything but just that. I had fallen in love with someone I barely knew. Maybe it was my fault, maybe I should have known better and read the signs clearer, but it was too late for a do-over now. All I could do was accept what had happened, that he had used me and lied, and try to move on from it. All things healed with time, anyway. I mean, that’s what people said. I only hoped it was true and that time was gracious. I didn’t want to hurt this way forever. I could barely handle it in the now. I knew my worth, and I was worth more than what Sebastian Hayes had given me.
I had to force myself out of my own head and into the present. I needed to distract myself somehow.
“Jade Young, bestest friend in the whole entire world, how are you feeling?” Becca asked, wrapping me in an almost too-tight hug.
I hmphed, but hugged her back just as fiercely.
“I’m not okay, but I will be.” I pulled back, blinking away the tears that threatened to spill.
“Has he tried contacting you?” She asked, a bite to her tone.
“No, but it’s better this way. Space is good. It helps people grow apart.” I half-smiled. “I’m not even sure what we’d say to each other honestly. I don’t think there’s any bouncing back from this.”
“Well, you won’t know unless you try,” she smiled reassuringly.
“At this point, it just seems like a broken record, ya know? But you’re right. I owe it to us both to have this conversation. Again.” I groaned, irritated with our predicament. It was the same cycle over and over again, and I really wasn’t sure that it was worth it anymore. “Love sucks, you know that?”
“Oh, I know,” she agreed. “But it’s better to have had it than to never experience it at all, isn’t that what people say? Or something along those lines?”
“You’re too much sometimes.” I laughed.
“Yeah, well, so are you. That’s what makes us so great. You’re worth more than what he’s giving you, and it’s time you figured that out.”
I’m worth it.
I smiled, a newfound confidence setting in.
I was worth it, and I wasn’t going to be afraid of doing what was best for me. Even if that meant walking away from someone I had depended on for four years.
He wasn’t much of a person to lean on, you know that Jade. I reminded myself.
I deserved better. I had gone through this same thought process recently, but I meant it more then. I was more determined to change the course of our relationship, even if that meant letting him go.
* * *
“I can’t stay mad at you when you’re looking at me like that.” I narrowed my eyes, glaring at his dimples and bright smile. He was about to win me over and he knew it. I needed to stay strong.
“Right, sorry. Is this better?” He said, his smile turning into a pout.
I rolled my eyes. “You’re so weird. And no, that isn’t better. It makes you look even cuter, and I’m doing my best to avoid that right now.”
“I need more, Tian,” I said suddenly. “I need all of you or nothing at all. I can’t deal with this whole in-between thing. It makes me feel worthless and insecure when I am anything but.”
“I know, Jade. I know.” He took a step toward me, sincerity in his eyes. “And I’ve thought about the things I said to you the other day, and I was wrong. I hadn’t given you everything I could, but starting now I will.”
“I’m sorry for the things I said, Tian. I was hurt and angry, and I shouldn’t have attacked you the way I did.” I placed a hand against his chest, gently gripping the fabric of his shirt. “You’re not pathetic and I don’t regret meeting you. How could I? It wasn’t all bad. You’re the first person I’ve ever loved.”
“And the last,” he said softly, his lips brushing against the side of my cheek. “Just like you’re mine.”
“Your way with words is seriously my weakness.” I wrapped my hands around his neck. “I can’t resist you when you’re being all sweet and stuff.”
“I’m going to give you more, Jade. So much more you’re not going to know what hit you.” He leaned down, his lips stopping a breath away from mine.
“You better, Sebastian Hayes, otherwise I’m out. I mean it. And I really don’t want that.”
“I don’t either. You’re worth every risk, Jade Young, so worth it,” he whispered before pressing his lips against mine, the soft and steady of his touch causing my heart to melt and every doubt to disappear. It was easy to forget everything else when we were like this. It was bliss, like a perfect day at the beach, warm sun and clear skies.
The problem? Even perfect beach days ended with sand in places that shouldn’t be named and sticky hair that took a week to wash clean.