Becca was reluctant to admit it at first, but she agreed with Dylan’s stance on me getting closure with Tian. For real this time. The thought alone made my skin itch, but I knew they were both right. I needed to close that door for good. But to be fair, I thought I already had, but having Tian pop up out of nowhere with his sweet, meaningless words made me realize that I definitely had not.
Which was why I was currently sitting at an empty park bench waiting for Sebastian Hayes, also known as the last person I wanted to be spending any time with.
Tian casually strolled up, a dimple-enhancing smile on his face. “Jade, I was surprised when you called.”
I gave him a tight, close-lipped smile. “Well, not as surprised as I am, let me tell you that.”
“Are you ever going to tell me why, or?” He asked, deep brows lifting up.
“I’m getting married soon, and you’re supposed to be my past, not my future, Tian,” I told him, not holding anything back. “I never thought I’d ever see you again or that you’d put me in a position where I doubted my relationship with Dylan.”
“You doubt him?” His lips quirked in a half smile.
“No, that was a poor choice of words,” I denied, shaking my head. “It just took me back ten years ago, and that isn’t fair to me or Dylan. It was actually really confusing if I’m being honest. The girl I was then is long gone. She disappeared when you did.”
“I didn’t disappear, Jade.”
“No, but you might as well have.”
“Okay, so, what do you want?” He asked, frowning.
“I want us to find whatever closure we need and leave each other in the past, where we both belong,” I said, my voice holding steady. “Because based on what you said and how you acted when we first met up again, well, it’s clear you still have some stuff to work through too.”
“I never wanted to lose you, Jade.”
“Yeah, but you did. And you’re never getting me back,” I said bluntly. “So, let’s talk it out or do whatever it is we need to and move on with our lives, okay?”
“I don’t really have a choice, do I?”
“Nope, because whether you like it or not, you’re going back to where you belong, and that’s in in the past.” I crossed my arms over my chest, growing slightly defensive.
He looked like he was mulling over my words. I just sat there, staring wordlessly at him, waiting for him to say something—anything.
“Okay,” he agreed, nodding his head. “Let’s get out of each other’s systems and move on like we never were.”
I rolled my eyes. “Don’t be dramatic. Obviously you played a significant role in my life. I’ll never forget that, Tian. We just weren’t meant to be.”
“Let’s agree to disagree on that one,” he stated, brown eyes holding onto mine.
“Fine,” I said, unfolding my arms and softening my posture.
“Fine,” he repeated. A smirk spread on his face, deepening his dimple.
I couldn’t help but smirk back.
As much of a jerk as he was, he had also been sweet. Albeit a bit manipulative at times, he had made me happy. It wasn’t something I had ever forgotten, even when I disliked him most.
I had a weekend to get closure. I only hoped it wouldn’t backfire.
* * *
“That’s right, you’re a dad,” I mused, looking over at him as he sat on the swing beside me. “How is that?”
“It’s great,” a wistful look transformed his face. “He’s an amazing kid.”
“He’s, what, around eight-ish now?” I asked, trying to mentally do the math in my head.
“Yeah, but he’ll be nine soon.” He sounded so proud. “He’s incredibly smart and adventurous, Jade. A real risk taker. He looks just like me, too, it’s insane. It’s like watching myself grow up or something.”
“That’s amazing,” I said, genuinely meaning it. “And hey, he’s lucky to have you as a father. You had your faults, but I can only imagine how good you are with him. It couldn’t have been easy, ya know?”
“It wasn’t,” he said, lost in thought for a moment. “But it was worth it. Jessica didn’t stick around for long.”
“She didn’t?”
“Nah.” He shook his head. “She took off, went off to an out-of-state college and I stayed local. If it weren’t for my parents, I’m not sure how I would have done it on my own.”
“You would have found a way,” I added softly. “And you would have done just as well, that I know.”
“Yeah?” He asked, lips tilting up in a smile.
“Yeah,” I confirmed. “I have a feeling you’re a really great dad, Tian. And that makes me so, incredibly proud because it means you found your way.”
“It wasn’t easy,” he said, shaking his head. “After things with you and I went south, I felt lost. I know it was my fault and that I didn’t treat you the way that someone should be, but you meant a lot to me. You were seared on my heart, as lame as that sounds.”
“No, I get it,” I said, pulling on my bottom lip nervously. “We were a huge part of each other’s lives. It makes sense.”
“It took me a long time to move on from you, to stop beating myself up over the decisions I made while we were together.”
“It’s okay,” I shrugged, not wanting to turn it into a big deal.
“No, it’s not, Jade.” His hands clenched around the swings straps. His eyes held mine, sincerity clear as the blue skies above us. “I’m sorry. For everything. I have no excuse, and I can’t change what happened, but know that I truly am sorry for everything I put you through.”
I smiled, tears blurring my vision. His apologies before had felt half-true compared to this one. It caused the still-bruised parts of my heart to heal over, closing all wounds so that there were no more.
“Thank you, Tian. Seriously.” I released a shaky breath. “You don’t know how much that means to me.”
I reached a hand out, clasping it over his.
“If it feels half as good to hear as it did to say, then I think I have a pretty good idea,” he said, smiling goofily at me.
“We can’t change the past, Tian, but we can learn from it and move on,” I said, realization setting in. “That wasn’t something I had actually done. I never fully let you go, not like I let myself believe.”
Saying those words out loud, I realized just how honest they were. A part of me still held onto Tian and the history we shared together. It showed in the dreams I sometimes had of him or the thoughts that occasionally drifted to him and the questions that I’d have at the most random moments, wondering about him and his life. It was toxic that I did that to myself, but what’s messed up is I hadn’t realized I was doing it. It had recently stopped though, but that could have been fate’s messed up way of telling me she was going to toss Tian back into my life. The ultimate test, I assumed.
“Jade?” Tian asked, laughing slightly. “Is everything okay?”
“Yeah, everything is fine,” I told him. “I just realized that I never fully let you go before, not the way I thought I did. I feel … good. That probably sounds really weird.”
“No, I get it. I’m sorry about the kiss and for telling you how to live your life, I can tell this guy means a lot to you, and I shouldn’t have tried so come between that,” he explained. “I was checking up on you, which sounds creepy, but I just wanted to see how you were, ya know? That’s when I saw the picture you posted from when you first got engaged. It felt like someone had grabbed my heart and tossed it onto a frying pan or something, that’s how bad it hurt.”
“That’s some analogy,” I quipped, trying to break some of the tension. It worked because he smiled, his features smoothing out from the movement.
“Yeah, well, I what can I say? You bring out the poet in me.”
“Oh, please, you can get out of here with that,” I groaned, rolling my eyes. “So, is there someone special in your life?”
“There is,” Tian admitted. “Her name’s Cammie, and she’s a nurse. She’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me, aside from my son, of course. No offense.”
“None taken.” I laughed. “A nurse, huh? Your mom must love that.”
“She does, trust me,” he said with a chuckle. “She’s going to freak when I tell her about what I did when I first reached out to you.”
“With good reason, too.” I raised a challenging brow at him. “But if she’s as amazing as you say, then you have nothing to worry about. Just be honest with her.”
“I don’t even know why I did it, if I’m being honest,” he said, looking out in the distance. “After I saw that photo, I was reminded of what I lost and immediately I felt the urge to take it back, to get you back in my life.”
“There were other, less damaging, ways to do that, you know?” I pointed out. “We could have had a conversation instead of you trying to break up my wedding.”
“I know,” he agreed quietly, looking over at me. “Maybe I wasn’t as over you as I thought I was.”
“You should work through that and open up to your girlfriend, Cammie, about it,” I admonished. “You and I, we have history, but that’s all it is. I’m happy. I’m secure, and I’m deeply in love with a really incredible man. I have no place for you in my life anymore, but I’m glad we talked a bit. It helped, and it solidified the fact that we’re better off apart, that who I’m with is the person I’m meant to spend the rest of my life with. You were an important piece of my story, but that’s all. I need you to understand that.”
“It sucks, but I get it,” his Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed. “I really do. So, I guess this is it, huh?”
“Yeah,” I said, standing from the swing. “This is it. Thank you for meeting with me today. I needed it.”
He stood up, taking a step toward me. “Did you get what you came here for?”
“Yeah, I really think I did.”
“Can I have a goodbye hug or is that taking it too far?” He asked, already holding his arms wide open.
“No, it’s not too far.” I shook my head and let him envelope me in a tight hug.
This was it, this was what it felt like to undoubtedly let go of the past. It felt liberating and honest and adult, and I felt secure again. It didn’t happen in the most ideal of ways, but I’m glad it did. It was a simple, short conversation that gave my heart what it needed to fully—completely and finally—let go.
Sebastian Hayes was my first love and he always would be, but Dylan Conrad was my last, the person I was always supposed to end up with. However, I needed to get through that first love to find him, and the pain, anguish, and betrayal it took to get to him? I’d go through it all again in a heartbeat if it meant the end result would stay the same.
First loves were great and all, but true love? That was pure and indescribable. And I was going to fight like hell to ensure I never lost mine.