Time was weird, especially when you were in love. It either seemed to speed up or slow down, but two years had passed by quick, and I wasn’t mad about it.
I ended up giving Tian another chance. How could I not when he gave me his Monday, Wednesday, and Sunday, and every day in between. He had been making an effort, and I loved him for that. I still kept him from my parents though. I mean, sure, I was a week from turning eighteen and a few months shy of graduating high school and going to college, but I was ninety-nine point nine percent sure that my parents would not approve of their daughter, their only child, dating a boy three years older. It wasn’t a huge age gap, but considering we had met when I was fourteen and had four years of history, there was no way I was risking it.
Tian had even gotten on Becca’s good side. We went on double dates a lot, most of which ended with her deciding she didn’t like her date after all. She had fun and made the most out of her high school years. I envied her sometimes because of that. Sometimes. Mostly, I didn’t envy her though because I was happy. Did I mention that already? Well, it’s true. Mostly, anyway.
Things are still complicated with Tian and his ex and their son, who is honestly a really cute kid, but we’ve been making it work. We aren’t perfect, but we’re us—whatever that means.
“Daydreaming over there, Jade?” Becca asked, flicking a rose petal my way.
It was Valentine’s day and we were keeping each other company since both of our dates had conveniently bailed. Not a huge surprise since with everything going on in Tian’s life, what with having a kid and being a father and all, he was more flakey than usual.
“Yeah, just thinking about the last two years.” I paused. “Actually, the last four, really.”
“I’ve noticed you do that when Tian acts like a jerk,” she piped. “Which has been way more frequent, I might add.”
“One minute he’s here and the next he’s not and sometimes I feel like he’s hiding something from me,” I told her, taking a deep breath. “We spend more time together, sure, but it’s still random and sparse, and most of our texts and calls happen in the middle of the night. It’s frustrating. It’s like all the signs you read about in a magazine when reading about whether your man is loyal or not.”
“Have you told him how this makes you feel?” She lifted a brow.
“No. I don’t know how to without sounding needy.”
“Honesty is the best policy, you know that better than anyone,” she pointed out. “And it isn’t needy. You deserve some answers. He’s changed a lot and I do think he’s a better man but he still has a lot of work to do, Jade. At some point, you’re going to have to decide if it’s worth it. We’re going off to college soon. Do you really want to take this drama and baggage with you?”
I blew out a breath of frustration. What she was saying was valid. What I was so afraid of, I didn’t know.
Yes, you do. You’re afraid of losing him for real this time.
I shook away the voice inside my head, ignoring it.
I knew what I wanted, what I needed, and what I deserved. The issue? Those three things didn’t necessarily agree with the other.
“Jade, just tell him how you feel.” She handed me a chocolate peanut butter cup, and I shoved it into my mouth, savoring the comfort only a good chocolate-peanut butter mix could bring.
“Fine,” I said around the chocolate melting against my tongue. “I’ll talk to him. But if it goes south, I’m taking every piece of candy you have and keeping it for myself.”
“Whatever you say, bestie.” She flipped her hair over her shoulder. “If the worst happens and you do take all my candy, I’m not going to take the blame when you start breaking out.”
I frowned. Breakouts were the worst and for some reason, myth or not, chocolate did that to me. It was a natural thing, sure, but I didn’t care about the way it made me look as much as I did the pain that came from popping the suckers. It wasn’t the greatest feeling, I can tell you that.
“I’ll talk to him first thing tomorrow, how’s that?”
“Fine.” Becca pointed a finger at me. “But you better. You have a voice and you need to use it. I love you, but sometimes you give him too much power and that irks me.”
“What do you mean?” I asked, slightly cautious. This wasn’t the first time she had brought it up, but it was the first time I had asked for an elaboration.
“Sure, things have been better these last two years. He’s given you more, but has he really?” She paused after her question, letting me think about it for a moment before continuing. “You still don’t know much about him.”
“I know enough,” I interrupted.
“You know what he wants you to know, but what have you really seen of his life that he hasn’t willingly shown you?” She shook her head, her eyes turning sad but determined. “There are so many signs you’ve been ignoring, and I’ve let them slide and have made an effort to like him and be there for you because you’re my best friend and I love you, but if he hasn’t changed his ways this deep into the relationship, when will he?”
“He has,” I argued convincingly, more to myself than to her. “I just told you that.”
“Just talk to him, okay? Ask the questions you’re afraid to ask.”
“I’m scared, Becca. What if I lose him?” I wiped a tear. I had been doing that a lot lately. Crying. Sometimes I didn’t even realize I was doing it. I was hurting. Becca was right. I deserved answers, I deserved more. Although Tian had given me both of those things, it still wasn’t enough. There were cracks in my heart that hadn’t been there before.
I was happy, wasn’t I?
“Just be honest with him, Jade,” Becca said softly. “You deserve to be happy. And I know you think that you are, but the light in your eyes isn’t as bright as it used to be. So, before it completely dulls out, you need to communicate with him.”
“I know, and I will. When the time is right.”
“Will it ever be? It’s Valentine’s Day and the person you’ve been in love with for four years bailed on you. Doesn’t that tell you anything?”
“Wow,” I breathed out, growing frustrated with the honest, though it was something I needed to hear. “You’re right, I know you are, but it’s hard, okay? Besides, I thought you liked him better now.”
“I do,” she said. “But that doesn’t mean I like when he walks all over you like you’re his favorite doormat.”
“He doesn’t,” I objected meekly, but even as I said the words, I knew I wasn’t fooling anyone, least of all myself.
Becca gave me a sad smile, and I vowed to confront him. For real this time. She was right. We were going off to college soon, is this what I really wanted to take with me? I needed a fresh start, something good, and I wasn’t sure I could do that with Tian still wrapped around my heart. He was breaking new pieces with every day that passed, and by the end of it all, I wasn’t sure I’d have much of a heart left.
“I’m always here for you, no matter what decisions you make,” Becca said softly. “You know that. So, whatever you decide to do, as long as you really are happy, then I’ll support you.”
“Stop.” I blinked rapidly, trying to dry the tears that threatened to escape. “You’re going to make me cry. Ugh. I can’t believe how much we’ve been through together. You’re an amazing best friend, you know that right?”
“Yeah, well, you’re stuck with me whether you like it or not, so.” She laughed, shrugging her shoulders.
Becca was easy to talk to. But I knew my conversation with Tian, one that was long overdue, wasn’t going to be as seamless. I had opened up to him before, and I wasn’t lying when I said things had gotten better, but I always held back. If I wanted our relationship to actually change, then I’d have to be honest. No restraints or worries, just truth.