“Jade,” my name came out like a desperate plea on Tian’s lips.
He took a step toward me, his arms reaching toward my body. I took a step back, avoiding his grasp.
I shook my head. “Don’t touch me. You don’t have that right anymore.”
“I didn’t know she called you until after she threw my phone at me,” he stressed, his eyes shining with unshed tears. I blinked my own away.
This was goodbye. I had to be strong otherwise I’d never be able to go through with it.
“I love you, and only you,” he tried again, his voice cracking. “Jade, you have to believe me. I don’t want her or anything to do with her.”
“But you’re still with her,” I accused. “Aren’t you?”
“Yes,” he hoarsely admitted. “But it’s complicated. It doesn’t mean anything though. She doesn’t mean to me what you do. Jade, you have to know that by now.”
“Do I?” I questioned, scoffing at his sureness. “You haven’t done much to show me that you care. All I have are words, and sure, those are great, but I needed you to show me. So many times I flat out asked for it and it got us nowhere.”
“I made an effort, Jade. I did.”
“I know you did, and it was good for a while but it wasn’t enough.” I swallowed past the hurt. “It still isn’t.”
He ran a hand over his face, visibly frustrated. “My biggest regret will always be giving her my body while you had my heart. I’m messed up, and I don’t deserve you. But I need you. So effing much, Jade. Tell me what to do to make this better. What can I do to win you back?”
Nothing. The word flashed in my head before I had a chance to even process it.
And that’s how I knew it was the truth. Without a doubt, without any hesitation, there wasn’t anything he could do to make it better. Not this time.
“Are you in love with her?” I bravely asked, not really wanting the answer but needing it.
Disgust and confusion filtered over his features. “How can you even ask me that, Jade?”
“How can I not?” I countered. “And that’s not answering the question.”
“No,” he said confidently. “I’m not in love with her. The day I met you, those feelings disappeared.”
“So, what? She’s someone you use to keep your bed warm since I haven’t given myself to you like that? Is it any wonder? I’m honestly glad I haven’t.”
He looked pained. I itched to comfort him but fought against it. This conversation was long overdue. I wasn’t about to hold anything back.
“I would never ask you to, Jade,” he whispered. “I used her, and I’m not proud of that.”
“For her body, you mean?” I asked, disgusted. “So, you used me for my heart then? It’s a shame you couldn’t take care of it the right way.”
“I don’t know what she said to you last night, but she and I aren’t together. We do what we need to for Shane, but that’s it.”
“She didn’t tell me anything I didn’t already know.” I shook my head, the conversation coming back in waves. “Well, there were a few things.”
“Okay. Like what?” He sounded nervous.
Good. He should have been.
“Like how she found the ring you were planning on proposing to her with and how you asked for her father’s permission,” I said with a straight face, ignoring the stabbing pain in my chest.
Tian’s brows pulled together before rising to his hairline. “What. The hell. Are you. Talking about?”
“She told me about the ring she found.”
“And where did she find this ring?”
“I don’t know,” I said, growing defensive. “It’s not like I asked her for all the details. I was too stunned to really say much of anything, you jerk.”
“Jade,” his voice softened, and he took a step toward me. This time I didn’t step back. “That ring she found? It was for you.”
My eyes widened. “That doesn’t many any sense.”
“No?” His lips quirked up. “Why not? I love you, Jade Young. I’ve always been honest about that. I love who you are, the person you’ve grown into since the day we first met. I love everything you have to offer. And you love me. So, tell me, what doesn’t make any sense about that?”
“I’m seventeen,” I argued, weakly.
“Only for a couple more days.”
“You remember my birthday?” I asked, wonderment clear in my tone.
Tian chuckled and lifted his hands toward my face, holding both cheeks between his palms. I let him, melting into his warmth.
This is home. I shook my head. Not for long.
“I was waiting until your eighteenth birthday, even told my mom about you and everything,” he said with a small smile.
I blinked rapidly, confused at what he was saying. “You told your mom about us?”
“Of course I did.” He shrugged like it was no big deal. “She and I are close, and I wanted her to know about you. About my future wife.”
Butterflies transformed in my stomach and fluttered to my heart. I tried to ignore them, to focus on the last four years, on the ways he had wronged me, and not the romantic version of himself he was presenting now.
I remained silent, staring at him.
“She told me she was glad I had finally found someone like you.”
I pressed my hands against his chest, fully intent on pushing him away, but instead I pulled him closer, reveling in the sweetness of his words and the comfort of his touch.
“Jade, you’re who I want to be with always, not someone superficial and demanding like Jessica. Sure, we have a kid together, but that’s it. I’m done with her. I promise you. The only person I want in my bed, wearing my tee shirts, is you.”
His words were sweeter than usual, but they didn’t change anything.
I pulled away from him, my body protesting at the loss of contact. “More words, Tian?”
“I can back them up with actions if you would just give me some time,’ he pleaded. “Please.”
“Time? That’s all we’ve had and look where that’s gotten us.” I gestured around his, making my disappointment clear.
“I’m going to do better, Jade. I’m going to change.” He promised. But unlike all the other times before, I didn’t believe him.
“Tian, we have to move on with our lives. Without each other.” I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath. “I can’t keep doing this with you. I’m going off to college in a few months, and I don’t want to continue this back and forth of pain and empty, broken promises. I deserve better than that. I’m worth more than how you’ve treated me.”
He shook his head, his fists clenching and unclenching at his sides. “Jade, this whole thing is messed up, and I’m sorry. Okay?”
“It is. It really is, Tian.” I swiped away a few stray, angry tears. “I love you, I do, but I’m not even sure it’s love at all.”
“I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”
“No.” I shook my head, denying his words. “If you did, you would have fought for me long before now. I let so many things slide because I hoped you’d change, that you’d make more of an effort to really be with me, but you never did. I was convenient, but that’s all it was, wasn’t it? You needed someone when things got rough with Jessica or whoever, but you would have been fine either way, with or without me.”
“Give me a chance, Jade. Please.” He begged, a tear trickling from the corner of his eye.
I looked away, willing myself to stand my ground.
I’m strong. I’m worth more than what he’s given. It hurts now, but I’ll be fine. I will.
“Jade?”
I refused to look at him. “Tian, I can’t. Not anymore. My soul has been put through the wringer and I can’t do it anymore. I just can’t. I won’t survive it. I know I won’t. This ends now.”
He looked like he wanted to argue some more, but he didn’t. His shoulders deflated and he nodded his head, defeat clear in his eyes.
His hands reached for mine, lacing his fingers through my own. He squeezed once, twice, three times before leaning down to press a soft kiss to my lips.
This was goodbye.
For good.
My heart cracked, a piece of it latching onto his own heart.
It was the end, but I always knew we had an expiration date. If anything, it lasted longer than I thought it would.
I breathed into his kiss, giving him the rest of my love. He could have it. I wouldn’t survive if I kept it.
Don’t forget about me.
I won’t forget about you.
I’m not sure who communicated what, but it was true both ways I suppose. I never would forget him. He was my first love, the first and only to make his mark on my heart. That wasn’t something a person could forget no matter how hard they tried.
* * *
“Oh, Jade, it’s okay. It’s okay,” Becca whispered against my ear, her arms wrapping me in a tight hug.
I cried, releasing every emotion. Pain. Frustration. Doubt. I felt it all in that moment even though I knew I had made the right decision. I would feel better about it in the long run, but I needed time to process, to grieve the love I had just let go of. I was only human, after all.
“It hurts, Becca. It hurts so much. I’m going to miss him,” I sobbed against her shoulder, my body shaking from the memory of what had happened shortly before.
After our kiss, Tian and I had separated, going our own ways. I didn’t look back, I couldn’t. Even when I felt his eyes blazing into my back and begging me to turn around, I couldn’t. I kept walking, ignoring the pull he had on me.
“I know, I know.” She rubbed my back. “And your heart might feel broken now, but it’ll heal. You’re going to heal. I promise.”
I nodded. The hurt in my throat was too thick to speak over, so I didn’t say anything. Instead, I let my best friend hold me and I prayed to whoever was listening that my fate was better than this because though he wasn’t the best, what if he was it for me? I’d never know. Not anymore.
At some point, we had fallen asleep. I turned over to find Becca lightly snoring. I smiled, shaking my head. I wiped my eyes and cleared my nose, taking a deep breath. My phone buzzed from beside me. I squinted my eyes, seeing Tian’s name flash on the screen. He had tried texting a couple times before that, but when those went unanswered, he tried calling. After the umpteenth time ignoring his calls, I blocked his number from my phone and his social media accounts—though he wasn’t very active—from mine, deleting every message and photo I could find. I didn’t want anything that would remind me of him. I got rid of it all. It felt liberating in a way, more final.
Someday I’d regret the late-night decision to rid him from my life, but by then it would be too late. He would already be gone, several states away, probably living happily ever after with his wife and son.
Fate was cruel, but she knew what she was doing. She had to because I was trusting her to lead me down the right path.