As humans, our instincts often tell us that revenge is the best option, the quickest way to feel better about a situation where you’ve been done wrong. If someone hurts you, hurt them back. Plain and simple.
Except it wasn’t plain and simple. It was grand and complicated and I only had myself to blame.
I woke up to the sound of someone kneeling in front of me. A large, warm hand pressed against my forehead, gently pushing the loose hairs out of my face. I opened my eyes, adjusting to the morning light.
I looked around at my surroundings. I was still on the couch. I must have fallen asleep while waiting for Dylan. My sweet Dylan who knelt in front of me, his eyes sad and rimmed red.
“Hey gorgeous girl,” he said in a low voice.
“Hi,” I managed to croak out. “What time is it?”
“Just after six,” he answered softly. “I’m sorry if I worried you.”
“You did,” I said, my voice slightly raising. I sat up, pulling from his touch. “You did worry me. I didn’t know whether or not you would come back.”
“Jade, you should know by now that no matter what I’ll always come back to you,” he said with conviction. “Always.”
“I’m sorry for kissing Tian, and I’m sorry for lying about where I was, and that I met with him in the first place,” I said, letting the words spill out of me like a river running. “I’m so sorry.”
“Why did you lie about it in the first place? I would have understood, Jade.”
That shouldn’t have surprised me, but it did. “You would have?”
“Of course,” he said, sounding so sure. “He was your first, and from what I understand, there was never any real closure between the two of you. I get that.”
I narrowed my eyes, slightly suspicious. “It isn’t fair that you’re so cool about everything. I feel like you should be more upset with me.”
“I am upset with you, Jade,” he sighed. “I’m not going to lie and say it doesn’t suck, because it does, but I understand.”
“Where did you go last night?” I asked, preparing myself for whatever answer he’d give.
He cleared his throat, looking sheepish. “I went to Erin’s.”
My eyes widened and tears blurred my vision, but before any could slip free, he gripped my face between his hands and held my gaze. “Don’t let your mind wander there, okay? I couldn’t sleep, so I asked if she wanted to pull an all-nighter for the assignment we’re both working on. She agreed, and I went over there. That’s it.”
“Is it?” I asked, disappointed at the accusatory tone in my voice. “I’m sorry, that wasn’t fair of me, especially after what I told you last night.”
He chuckled, and the sound bandaged my bleeding heart. “Jade, it’s okay. But yes, that’s it.”
“I’m sorry,” I said lamely. “I know I’ve said it a few times already, but I mean it. I really do. I just, I don’t know what came over me, but I hadn’t seen him in so long that I think a sliver of me hoped he could somehow heal whatever parts broke when he left. But that was pointless because you already took care of that. You put my heart together and showed it how love should be.”
“Jade, I’m in this forever,” he said, smiling kindly. “Nothing will ever change that. I’m going to need some time to process this, but I’ll get over it.”
“You will?” I sounded so hopeful, I almost cringed at myself.
“Yeah,” he confirmed with a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes.
I ignored it though, I ignored the sharp pains of doubt searing through my entire existence and took his words, hanging onto them for dear life.
“Nothing will ever change the way that I feel about you,” he said, pressing a soft kiss against my lips.
Despite his words, something definitely had changed. I just chose not to see it at the time. I had no right to question or doubt, not when I had done what I did. What I would do again. The past was a curse and when it barreled in and held you captive, there was no way to escape or hide from it. I just wish I knew it at the time.
I was breaking, and I didn’t even know why. How screwed up was that?
* * *
“Jade, you look exhausted,” Becca voiced when I walked into her apartment.
“I need something to numb this pain,” I said, dropping beside her on the sectional in her living room.
“Why? What happened?” She asked, concerned.
I shot her a look. “What do you think?”
She gasped, surprise writing itself all over her face. “You told Dylan?”
“Yeah, and it went just as well as you’d expect it to.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, he stayed at Erin’s all night, though he claims it was for work and not pleasure,” I told her, my hands moving animatedly as I spoke. “I’m not even sure why I’m doubting him. I know, like really know, that nothing would ever happen between them, but I think because of what I let happen with Tian, that I almost expect it? Or feel like I deserve it somehow? He was too calm, too understanding, and it made me feel like crap. I don’t deserve him, so it makes sense for him to run to Erin.”
“Jade, give the guy a break,” Becca said, shaking her head. “You know him, and no, you don’t deserve for him to hurt you the way you did him. That’s not how love works. That eye for an eye stuff is an archaic method that people need to stop using as rational for hurting people. Dylan isn’t that guy, so stop what you’re doing to yourself. Let him process. You’re getting married in, like, three weeks, and he hasn’t called it off yet, has he?”
“No,” I grumbled. The thought had briefly crossed my mind before, but I kept pushing it aside because I knew how ridiculous it sounded.
“Then you’re good to go.”
“I just feel so guilty,” I confessed.
“You didn’t really do anything wrong, but I’d probably feel the same if I were in your position,” she comforted with a small smile. “Just give it a little bit of time, longer than forty-eight hours, and you’ll feel better about it. You were honest, and unfortunately honesty comes with a price, but it also has some rewards, so don’t worry about it. Just live your life, love that man of yours, and focus on the next few weeks. They’re going to fly by and before you know it you’re going to be walking down the aisle, exchanging vows with that perfect man of yours.”
“You’re like a love guru sometimes, you know that?” I supplied, biting back a smile of amazement. “I can’t wait for the day you settle down and fall in love. Whoever he is, he better know how lucky he is, I can tell you that.”
“Oh, he will. That you can count on.” She winked, a smirk spreading across her face.
Becca was right, I just needed some time. Dylan and I both did. I hadn’t really done anything wrong, it isn’t like I had asked Tian to kiss me, but had I been honest, that situation and the betrayal that followed could have been avoided.
We’d be fine.
We would.