Tian buried his face against the side of my neck, peppering light kisses along my skin. I sighed, melting into his touch.
This was what I had missed. All else went away when we were together like this. But it never lasted long, so I made sure to revel in it, to enjoy it while it lasted. There was a heavy weight sitting atop my shoulders, and I knew the only way to feel right was to open up to him like I promised Becca I would.
“I missed you, Jade.” He squeezed me in a hug, his lips no longer kissing but caressing my skin.
I sighed. This was the Tian I loved, this version of him. It was one I rarely saw, so I’d bask in it for a few more minutes and then I’d confront him.
Yeah.
Just a few more minutes, I promised myself.
He pulled back, his dark eyes staring into mine. “Jade? You’re quiet tonight.”
“I’m always quiet.” I moved my arms over his shoulders, locking my fingers against the back of his neck.
“Yeah, but you’re being quieter than normal.” His eyes dropped in concern. “What’s going on?”
I shook my head, releasing a deep breath. “I just want to enjoy this moment with you. Okay? Let’s just be together right now.”
He didn’t look convinced but something on my face must have changed his mind because he didn’t push me further. Instead, he nodded his head thoughtfully and brought his lips to mine.
We started off slow, giving and taking in the sweetest of ways, but our kisses grew frenzied, his hands started exploring, and our bodies begged to join as one.
It was heated. It was raw. And it was honest.
I gave him everything in that kiss and expressed what I was too afraid to say out loud. Up until then, I was sure that I loved him, but is this what love was? Is this really what people spent their whole lives searching and fighting for? What musicians wrote and sang about? What writers curated epic stories around?
It couldn’t be. Because if this was love, I wasn’t sure I wanted it. Any of it. I loved him, that I knew, but wondering what type of love it was scared me.
Our kisses grew panicked, Tian communicating his unspoken truths just as fiercely as I had mine.
Love wasn’t supposed to hurt this bad or be this uncertain.
Or maybe it was. Maybe that was the kicker.
I pressed my body against his, molding us together. He tried to pull back, his hands gently gripping my waist, but I shook my head. He sighed, pressing a short, soft kiss against my lips before pulling away. His hands traveled up my sides before cupping either side of my face.
“You’re crying, Jade.” His voice sounded pained.
“I am?” I asked, my throat tightening and vision blurring. “I guess I am.”
“Jade.” His tone softened. “Is everything okay?”
“I could lie and say that it is, but I really don’t think it is. I mean, what are we doing, Tian?” I pushed against his chest, pulling my body from his. “We go back and forth constantly, and still, after four years, I don’t know anything about your life or who you are.”
“You know me, Jade, of course you do. How can you say that you don’t?” His voice rose, cracking on the last few words. “You have all of me.”
“No. I don’t,” I disputed firmly. “The fact that you just said that to me is really messed up because we both know that isn’t true.”
Anger fueled me in that moment. I even shocked myself with how firmly I was holding my ground. I suppose it made sense though. When that much anger and doubt were kept locked away, when it eventually did come out, it was bound to be explosive. It was any wonder it wasn’t completely out of control. The anger, I mean.
“I’ve given you as much of me as I can, Jade. Why can’t that be enough?” He sounded frustrated.
Good. We were finally in the same boat.
“That isn’t good enough. Not anymore. I deserve better than the half of everything you’ve given since we started this thing.” I swiped angrily at the tears streaming down my face. He didn’t deserve my tears, especially not when he saw nothing wrong with the way he had been treating me. Gosh, am I really this clueless? “You’re a freaking mystery. Everything about you. If it weren’t for the few times I caught you outside of the park with your friends of Jessica or whatever, I’m not sure you would have ever willingly given me that glimpse into your life. And what for? What’s the big deal? What are you so ashamed of, Sebastian? I don’t understand, and I probably never will, but I deserve some answers. You at least owe me that.”
“You want the truth, Jade?” He chuckled halfheartedly, sounding defeated. “I love you. But you’re so young, I don’t even know if it’s right for us to be together.”
“What?” I froze, my tears halting along with my confusion.
“You were fourteen.” He shook his head, his own eyes glazing with an emotion I was too afraid to name. “You were fourteen when we met and I should have known better, but I was gone the second I walked up to that snack bar for a drink. I wasn’t even planning on meeting the guys that day, but I went anyway, and then I saw you. You weren’t supposed to mean anything, Jade.”
I swallowed over a lump. My heart was pounding a mile a minute, and I swore it was going to collapse at any moment. But I ignored its protests, its cries for help, and remained silent, willing him to go on.
“Jessica and I were fighting, we always were, and when I met you, I figured it’d be good to have someone always there, waiting and willing whenever she pissed me off.” He ran a hand over his face. My heart continued its heavy beating. “You were supposed to be fun, but then I fell in love with you, and I couldn’t use you like that anymore.”
“But you did,” I managed to croak out over the burning in my throat. “You did use me. Just like that. You still had her when you had me, the only difference is that I was your dirty little secret while she was the one you paraded around. You have a baby together, Tian. It makes sense for you to be in love with her.”
“I love you, Jade. Only you. It’s only ever been you.” He was pleading with me, but who he was trying to convince, I’d never know.
“Are you still with her now?” I asked. Though before the words left my mouth, I already knew the answer.
His brows pulled together. “Don’t make me answer that, Jade.”
“So, you are then? Does that make you feel good?” I felt sick. My stomach twisted and turned and my body shook, shocked, scared, and mad about this whole situation. “Wait. Don’t answer that. Continue. I need to hear this.”
“This past year I’ve given you everything I could.”
“And the parts that you couldn’t? Were they already reserved for her?” I spat, disgust churning my already upset stomach. “Oh my God, you’ve been with her the whole time you’ve been with me. So, what? After we hang out, make out, touch, you go home to her and do it all over again? I’m going to be sick.”
I whispered that last part and he stepped forward, reaching for me, but I flew back, refusing to accept his help. “No. You don’t get to ever touch me again. You’re disgusting. Did it make you feel like a man? Thank God I never gave you my body, I can only imagine what would have happened if I ever did.”
“Jade, don’t say that. Please don’t say that.” He was shaking his head, pain etched all over his face. I ignored the way my heart instantly wanted to comfort him. He didn’t deserve my kindness. “I risked everything for you.”
“Oh, did you?” I scoffed. “That’s the biggest load of bull I’ve ever heard. But hey, at least we’re airing it all out now. In a few short months I’ll be away at college, far away from you, and I’ve never been more excited for anything.”
“You’re just upset right now, and I understand, I do, but please don’t ruin what we have.”
“Me? Ruin what we have? No, you’ve already done that for the both of us.”
“I was seventeen when I met you, a kid still—”
I cut him off. “A kid, really? You’re twenty-one now, and from where I’m standing, it doesn’t seem like much has changed.”
He remained still and his eyes remained lock onto mine.
I sighed, releasing a shaky breath. “Did you ever really love me, Sebastian? Or was I just someone convenient to have on the side when Jessica pushed you away?”
“She doesn’t mean anything to me. Not anymore.” His voice strained. He sounded desperate. “We have a child together, that’s the only reason we’re in each other’s lives now.”
“Oh? So, you’re not sleeping together or planning out your future like couples do?” I asked cynically, widening my eyes at him. “You’re pathetic, and I really wish I hadn’t helped out that season because maybe then I wouldn’t have fallen for you and gotten my heart dragged around for four years. I’m not a game, Sebastian, but thinking back, it all makes so much sense, because that’s exactly how you treated me. Well, I hope you had a good laugh. Ha, ha, ha. It’s so hilarious, isn’t it?”
I was laughing so hard that tears fell, but eventually that laughter turned into sobs, and when he reached for me a second time, I let him. I let him, and I wrapped myself in his warmth. He whispered promises and hopes against my ear, but I knew they were broken, just like we were, like we always had been.