“Are you okay, today?” I asked.
My eyes locked onto Tian’s, who sat across from me. He blinked a few times, looked away, and then met my stare again. He looked tired, and he had been yawning since the moment we sat down.
“Sebastian?” I pressed, hoping his full name would catch more of his attention.
“I’m sorry.” He shook his head. “I’m fine. I just have a lot going on.”
“Like what?”
He dropped his gaze. “Just an… ex-girlfriend of mine. We’ve been having some troubles lately.”
My brows drew together in confusion. “She’s an ex, but you two are still having issues? Well, that doesn’t really make much sense.”
“She’s hoping we’ll get back together,” he said without a hitch.
My heart froze in my chest. “And are you? Hoping, I mean?”
He shrugged, looking slightly uncomfortable with the question. “I’m not really sure. She and I have a lot of history.”
I could have brought myself into the equation, but I didn’t.
Internally I was screaming though, begging for answers to questions I knew I’d never be brave enough to ask aloud.
What about me? What about the last few months we’ve spent together? Is she better than me? Older? Prettier? More brave? Was I a toy you decided to play with for a little while until she came back around? What. About. Me?
“Well, isn’t there a saying about how if something is meant to be, it’ll find its way?” I half-heartedly mentioned.
“Yeah, something like that.” His mouth quirked up in a half smile. “So, what have you been up to, huh? What’s the rest of your life like when you aren’t here?”
I smiled, knowing we’d gone over this before but that he was trying to change the subject. I’d give in like I always did because it was easier than the alternative, than confrontation. I wasn’t very good at it, so I avoided it at all costs.
So, I told him everything, the things I had shared before and the things that I hadn’t. I told him about my near-perfect home life, my amazing parents, school, cheer, and my best friend, Becca.
The more I spoke, the more he seemed to relax, his shoulders dropping whatever weight they had carried before. My words, albeit meaningless, silly, and possibly childish, eased some of his tension and I relished in that. I made a difference in his life. Our Saturdays meant something to him like they meant everything to me.
So, even with the warning signs popping up at every turn, I ignored them. We hadn’t made any promises to each other and if his ex was who he wanted, I would try to be okay with that.
Except. Well. What if our Saturdays collided with other days of the week?
I shook those thoughts and leaned into his hug, burying my face in the crook of his neck.
We’d just cross that bridge when we got to it. If we ever got to it.
* * *
I should have known better, I really should have, but when you’re fifteen and hopelessly infatuated with an older boy, you throw logic and reason out the door and live in the moment, consequences be damned.
It wasn’t a bad way to live, honestly. It was just different. Easy.
Until it wasn’t.
“I think I’m going to go on a relationship hiatus or something,” Becca mused from beside me.
“A what?” My brows pulled together in confusion. “How does that even work?”
She shrugged. “I’m just over the drama. Besides, it isn’t like last year where we were the newbies trying to find our footing or something. We’re sophomores now, another year wiser and gorgeous. We should be experimenting, sorting through our options.”
“So, basically, you want to date?”
“Well, yeah, but multiple people, not just one.”
“Isn’t that common? I mean, dating doesn’t tie you to one person unless you’re exclusive. We’re young, we should be able to explore and have fun.”
She arched a brow. “Really? Is that what you plan on finally doing?”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” I said, focusing my attention back on the window displays of each store we passed. It was Friday night, and winter formal was right around the corner, so we were searching for accessories.
“So, you haven’t been hanging out with an insanely gorgeous, older guy for nearly a year? Huh. Interesting.” She rolled her eyes.
“Fine. I have, but that’s not the point,” I said exasperated.
“Isn’t it, though?” She asked. “You’ve been together for months and still no one knows. Well, no one but me. Doesn’t that bother you?”
“Not really,” I said honestly. “I like what he and I have. And we aren’t together. Not really. We hang out, and yeah, we kiss, but things are complicated. They probably always will be.”
“How? Because he’s older? That isn’t exactly a big deal anymore. It’s only by a few years.”
“He’s in his first year at university and I’m a fifteen-year-old high school student. Please share how you think anyone would react to that without being judgy.”
“I’m just saying, it must suck.” She smiled sympathetically.
“It does sometimes, but for the most part it’s pretty great. Things are easy, and I have way too much on my plate for it to be anything but that.”
“Still, I’d like to meet him someday,” she responded. “I mean, I know he’s real, but naturally I’m worried.”
I was about to respond when I saw someone all too familiar standing a few feet away in front of the tattoo shop.
Yeah, there was one in the mall. It never made much sense to me but apparently they got enough business if they were able to stay open. Who knows.
I blinked a few times, my mind trying to process what I was witnessing.
Sebastian stood with a girl around his age. Her arms were wrapped around his neck and his dimples deepened from his smile. He was staring at her in adoration and she was staring right back, mirroring his affection.
My eyes tingled with tears I refused to share. We were friends. We were friends who sometimes kissed, but that’s all we were. Nothing more, nothing less. So why did my chest ache so much? And why did my throat tighten the more I watched their interaction?
I knew why, it just didn’t make much sense to admit it out loud, especially with the scene unfolding in front of me. I had always known the truth, or suspected, but having it spread out in front of me like that wasn’t something I ever prepared for.
I hated how insignificant it made me feel.
Becca’s eyes trailed to where mine were and her eyes narrowed, piecing it all together. She shook her head in disgust.
Tian looked over the girl’s shoulder, and I turned as quickly as I could, but I caught his eyes before I did. His smile faded and his eyes turned sad. Or maybe that was just my imagination. After all, he was a good distance away, so I wasn’t close enough to see too clearly anyway.
But I had seen. And I hated it. He never voiced any promises to me, but sometimes the strongest promises were the ones left unsaid.
My heart cracked. I needed to carry on with me day. Winter formal was around the corner. I’d just focus on that.
I practically ran into the first formal-looking store I saw, and Becca followed behind, trying to keep up. As soon as we were safe inside, she wrapped her arms around me in a comforting hug.
I sighed, sagging my body in relief. “Thank you. For understanding, and for not making a scene.”
“You needed me more than I needed to get revenge for you.” She hugged me tighter. “That was him, the Sebastian dude you’ve been meeting every Saturday for over a year?”
“Yeah.” I swallowed over the thickness in my throat.
“He’s hot, I’ll give him that, but he’s a jerk.”
“We’re friends,” I said unconvincingly.
“Right, and I wouldn’t drop my entire life if Zac Efron knocked on my door begging to sweep me off my feet.” She scoffed. “Whether you admitted it or not, you two were, or are, more than friends. How could you not be?”
“Is this supposed to be making me feel better?” I asked.
“Sorry.” She shook her head. “It just sucks. But I’m glad I finally know what he looks like. Makes him more real. Plus, now I know who to throw eggs and tomatoes at when he hurts you again.”
“I’m not sure there will be an again.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’m not sure it’s worth it. I mean, there’s obviously a reason I’ve kept him hidden for so long, and I’m sure he’s done the same. It’s weird, it’s all too weird, so I’m going to focus on formal and being a typical fifteen-year-old girl, and that’s that.”
Becca didn’t look convinced. Maybe it was because I was trying too hard. But she didn’t comment on it. She just gave me another tight squeeze and started her browse of the store.
I ignored the lingering ache in my chest and followed suit. There was no time for broken hearts when life was this good. And it was good. My life, I mean. I couldn’t let one boy change that, no matter how hard my heart beat for him.