Chapter 34
Apartment seven was a dream.
Luckily, this tour wasn’t led by a real estate agent but by the landlady herself. She was a nice, older woman who told us about her grandson the craftsman, who had used his skills to keep the apartment shipshape. Scott asked her about her grandson while Dawn and I had another quick look around.
“This is it,” I said. “It feels right.”
It reminded me of how I’d felt when I first stood in Kaden’s apartment, but this time there was no biting commentary and gloomy expressions.
Part of me wanted nothing more than to reach out to Kaden. But I’d meant it when I said I wouldn’t chase after him, and I knew quite well that he’d just mess me up again. Besides, I had a plan. I wanted to get back on the right track, have some security and stability—things that Kaden couldn’t give me. As much as I wanted it to be different between us, now I had to think of myself. I wanted to be on my own once and for all. After all, freedom was what I’d been looking for in the first place.
We heard Mrs. Collins laughing and went back to see why. “You’re my type, Scott!”
Dawn and I exchanged an amused glance.
“But you’re not the one looking for a place to live, are you?” Mrs. Collins asked, looking up at Scott dreamily. Apparently he’d used all his charm to wrap the woman around his little finger.
“No, but I’ll want to visit my friend Allie,” Scott answered, and turned to smile at me.
“Well, anyone with such charming friends has to be a decent person,” she said, addressing me. “If you want it, you can have the apartment.” All I could do was stare at her openmouthed.
Scott jumped in.
“What she wants to say is that she’ll take it, absolutely, Mrs. Collins!”
I grinned.
A little later we sat down with Mrs. Collins at the kitchen table and looked over the lease. She said she was okay with my subletting the second room if I wanted to, but that I would bear full responsibility for any damage.
When we parted, I hugged her. It might not have been very professional, but she’d saved the day. And not only that: She gave me my freedom back, with the keys she put into my hand.
Since I didn’t want to occupy Dawn’s bed any longer than necessary, she and I took the next day to move my stuff into the new place. It was mostly furnished; that took at least one load off my mind.
Scott and Spencer brought over the things I’d left at Kaden’s place. I avoided asking them about it, and they were tactful enough not to speak about the elephant in the room. The situation was unpleasant enough.
By the afternoon, we’d set up the bedroom. Even the curtains had been hung, thanks to Spencer and Scott. The only thing we had to reassemble was the sofa bed. I didn’t know how they’d managed it, but the dresser had fit into Spencer’s car. Monica also dropped in and helped me decorate the rooms. Plus, she brought over a mountain of homemade pancakes. For the first time since Kaden had thrown me out, I felt my appetite returning.
Later, Scott wanted to drink a toast to my new apartment. But we couldn’t find any champagne flutes—just coffee mugs with cute little sayings such as “Best Grandma in the World.” They must have been left by Mrs. Collins’ grandson after the renovation was finished.
We drank to the reassembled furniture and then got busy putting away my suitcase and the moving boxes. My heart sank when I saw how carelessly Kaden had thrown everything together. The frame with the photo of me and Dawn had a crack in it. Dawn took it from me and handed me the “Best Grandma in the World” mug so I could take a large gulp of bubbly.
That evening, my string lights were hanging above the sofa, and the scented candles were burning in the living room and kitchen. I sat on the fluffy carpet, leaning back against the couch. Dawn had made herself comfortable on the sofa, flanked on one side by Spencer and on the other by Scott, who was busy texting Micah. Monica had left a while ago because she had to study and then meet up with Ethan. But we’d decided to open a second bottle of champagne anyway.
“I’m tired,” Dawn said, yawning.
“I bet. I’m sorry that I kind of took over your space.” I leaned back and looked up at my friend. She brushed my hair from my forehead and grinned.
“It’s true, you did kind of spread out. But at least you didn’t snore. You get points for that.”
“Really? Thanks.”
“I don’t snore, either,” Spencer offered, and I laughed.
Dawn rolled her eyes. “You don’t get points.”
“Why not? I’m great when I sleep. I don’t snore, and I take up very little space. In fact, I don’t even wear anything.”
“And the fact that you sleep naked is supposed to impress me because …?” Dawn asked, feigning boredom.
“Oh, Dawn,” Spencer sighed with a sly grin. “If you can’t figure that out, then I don’t know what I’m going to do with you.”
“Well, I owe you a lot, Spence,” I said after a pause. “I mean it. Thanks for everything.” The words came from my heart. It’s not every day you met someone like Spencer. Someone who would do anything for a friend, even take a beating for them. He was loyal, helpful, and, even if he cracked jokes at the expense of others—above all my best girlfriend—he was serious and sensitive when it came down to the wire.
“No problem. I just hope things work out.”
What could I say to that? All I could do was avoid his gaze and nod.
Dawn and I spent the rest of the evening putting together colorful ads for the second room, which we wanted to hang around campus. Scott put the ad online after I told him what I was hoping for in a potential roommate. Spencer offered helpful suggestions like, “Pink unicorns only need apply.” He made me laugh so hard that the champagne came out my nose.
When they parted at the end of the evening and I was alone in my apartment for the first time, I didn’t know whether I wanted to dance or to cry. I felt great because I had found a wonderful home. But at the same time, something inside still ached. So I decided on a mixture of both.
It left me so stirred up that I couldn’t think straight anymore. Emboldened by the booze, I reached for my phone and typed wildly on it, threw it on the sofa, and picked it up again only to place it far out of reach so I couldn’t do anything I’d regret.
But my restraint crumbled.
I jumped up, grabbed it again, and before I could convince myself of anything else, I selected Kaden’s number.
It felt like the best thing to do and also the stupidest thing I’d ever done.
But I had to hear his voice. I missed him so much.
He picked up after the first ring. “Bubbles?”
Oh God. I should have thought that one through better. Tears shot to my eyes, and I felt an urgent need to bawl out Taylor Swift’s I Almost Do in his ears. Or Attack, by Thirty Seconds to Mars. Or anything but let him hear me cry.
“Is everything okay?” Kaden’s voice was low, almost a whisper.
Summoning all my courage, I whispered, “Why didn’t you tell me? About what happened with Alex?”
He breathed in sharply. For a while he said nothing, and I pressed my face into one of the sofa pillows to keep myself from filling up the silence with my own words—ones that couldn’t be taken back later. Even if it was nearly suffocating me. It was his turn.
“Can I come over?” Kaden asked, in a shaky voice.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” I murmured into the pillow.
Kaden took another deep breath. “You deserve an explanation, Allie. Please. Let me tell you. In person.”
The champagne had done me in, and I might regret this a lot tomorrow. But I wanted to see him so badly, wanted to finally hear his side of the story. So I just said, “Okay.”
Less than ten minutes later I heard light knocking on the door. Standing up, I felt a bit dizzy. A few deep breaths later, I went to open the door.
Kaden looked tired. For the first time ever, I saw dark shadows under his caramel-colored eyes—he usually managed to look well-rested, even after a night of partying. He wore a blue baseball cap backward and smelled exactly as I remembered. Spicy. And he was wearing my sweater. Okay, strictly speaking it wasn’t my sweater, but it was the one I’d always borrowed when we went hiking. Over the past few weeks I’d tried to repress all memories of our shared time, but now the images poured over me like a waterfall. It took a great effort for me not to fall into his arms and bury my nose in his shoulder.
Instead, I just unlocked the door.
Kaden’s feelings seemed to be as jumbled up as mine. His eyes sparked when he saw me. But then he must have remembered why he’d come over, and his gaze darkened.
Stepping to the side, I invited him in with a wave of the hand.
“Welcome to Casa de Harper,” I said, imitating his own words of welcome when I had moved in to his place.
Kaden winced, and I regretted the bad joke. He dug his hands into his sweatshirt and followed me into the living room.
“Please sit,” I said, pointing to the sofa. “Want something to drink?”
“What have you got?”
“Champagne?” It was more of a question than a statement. “Actually, no. We drank it all. Tap water?”
Kaden’s mouth twitched for a second. “Tap water sounds perfect.”
I filled one of the cat mugs and placed it in front of Kaden on the coffee table. Then I sat as far from him as possible on the sofa.
“Nice place,” Kaden remarked, taking a sip.
“How did you even know the address?” I asked, puzzled. The thought came to me just now.
“Your stuff didn’t fit into Spencer’s car, so we took the Jeep.”
My shoulders tightened. “You drove my furniture here?”
Kaden nodded. “I hope that’s okay.”
He’d brought my furniture here. I stared at him, confused. My eyes wandered from his eyes to his full lower lip, across his shoulders and arms, and again up to his eyebrows, which were knotted in a frown. Every muscle seemed tense, as if Kaden, too, were struggling to stay put on his end of the sofa.
Even though he’d hurt me, I still wanted him, no question about it. I longed for his touch. My fingers clawed at the pillow on my lap, and my eyes fixed on a candle on the table. I tried to get my pulse under control. Only then did I dare to look at Kaden again.
“So.” I cleared my throat. “You had something to say.”
His expression took my breath away. It was full of pain and longing, and it intensified all the feelings in me.
“Allie,” Kaden whispered, his voice hoarse. He shook his head and swallowed hard. Then he clenched his fists and rose.
Staring at him, I didn’t dare move.
He came toward me. Right in front of me he knelt and pushed my knees slightly apart. I held my breath.
“Kaden.”
“I just want to talk. That’s all.” He supported his hands on my sides. His arms touched my thighs. “I just can’t concentrate when you’re at the other end of the room.” He cleared his throat. “Is it okay with you?”
I nodded before my thoughts focused. After all, I’d missed having him around. It felt right to be so close. Strictly speaking, my body was convinced that it was not close enough, but my head insisted that I should pull myself together. These two sides of me didn’t seem to be in accord, to say the least. So I stayed in my position and clutched the pillow against my lap like a life belt.
“First I want to apologize for my behavior,” he began. “I was wrong to treat you like that, and I regret it. But that day I was sure I’d made the right decision.”
“Why? Tell me,” I whispered.
Kaden took several deep breaths. “About three years ago I spent a weekend with Spencer at the ocean. You’ve got to see this place, by the way. Everything is natural, steep mountains rising above the Pacific, foaming waves, beaches more perfect than in any movie, and—”
“Kaden?” I interrupted him. “We aren’t talking about Oregon’s coast right now.”
He shook himself as if to organize his thoughts. “Now I know why you always blabber.”
I just looked at him and waited. It took an effort for him to confide in me. He opened his mouth several times, only to slide his tongue over his lips and close it again.
“After I came home,” he continued, “I visited Kendra. I hadn’t seen her for a week, and I was so glad to be back home, and wanted to … ” He cleared his throat. “I wanted to show her how much I missed her, if you understand what I mean.”
I nodded. A queasy feeling spread through my stomach.
“She went crazy, Allie. She pushed me away, hyperventilated and cried. I stopped and asked her what was going on.” Now Kaden was speaking fast, his words tumbling out. “I thought she was in one of her phases. We’d been together two years, and I knew her moods. So I thought she was upset that Spencer and I had gone away without her. At least that’s what I thought, until … ” He fell silent and lowered his head.
“What?” I whispered.
He looked at me. “Until she broke up with me then and there. Just like that.”
Nodding, I encouraged him to continue.
“I knew something wasn’t right. And after being together two years, I felt like she owed me an explanation. When she kept on avoiding me and then didn’t even want to see me, I got angry. I put my hands on her shoulders to get her to turn around.” Kaden’s face contorted in pain. “The moment I touched her, she started to scream. Deafening. Without stopping.” He swallowed hard. “Her parents rushed into the room and demanded to know what kind of party we’d been to, and what I’d done with her there. I didn’t know what they were talking about since I hadn’t seen Kendra for days. I started to argue with her parents, and they threw me out of the house.”
Kaden paused again. We both seemed to be holding our breath. My grasp on the pillow loosened, and I almost reached out for Kaden. But I couldn’t. Not yet.
“What happened?”
“That same day I went to see her best friend. I wanted to find out what happened to Kendra while I was away. Mia didn’t want to talk to me at first, but I insisted and then she told me that she and Kendra were invited to a party by a couple of college guys. Kendra had disappeared at the party and appeared the next morning at Mia’s door, hysterical and frightened. Her tights were gone, and there were bruises on her arms.”
“Oh no,” I murmured.
“I think we both knew what had happened, but neither of us dared to say it out loud. I drove like a madman to the guy who had thrown the party. But he didn’t even know who I was talking about.” Kaden gave a grim laugh. “Then I begged Kendra’s parents to let me see her again. She still hadn’t told them what had happened, and I think they were pretty desperate. So they let me up to see her. I was able to convince Kendra that she could trust me, that we’d get through this together. The whole time, she stared past me at the wall. But I didn’t let up. I had to hear it from her. Even though I hated myself for it, I asked her straight out if someone had raped her.” Kaden cleared his throat. “And then she said ‘yes.’”
I caught my breath, even though I knew the story.
“I asked her if she’d gone to the hospital, and she said no. Then I begged her to tell me who it was. A stranger? Someone she knew? But she just shook her head and kept pulling away from me, as if it were me she was afraid of. I’ve never felt so helpless in my life.” Kaden clenched his fists. “Eventually I asked her parents to come in. It took a while but then she told us who it was.”
“Alex,” I whispered, and Kaden cringed. As if waking up from a trance, he lifted his head and looked at me. He nodded.
“It came out suddenly. If the situation hadn’t been so serious, I might’ve thought she was joking.”
I swallowed hard and noticed how dry my throat had become.
“After she said it once, she repeated Alex’s name again and again. I could only stare at her. It was incomprehensible to me, why she was saying this. I didn’t believe her. I couldn’t believe her, no matter how desperate she was, no matter how much she claimed to be telling the truth. Kendra always liked to get attention, and I figured that played a role here, too.” He shook his head. “To me it sounded like a bad episode in one of those crime series, when the wrong person is accused at first. Alex was my brother. I would have done anything for him. I went to him that day and he told me, of course, that he wasn’t even at that party. I believed him.” Kaden laughed in anger. His eyes revealed how much these memories hurt, and also how angry he was at himself. “Of course I believed him. And when the accusations grew louder, I took Alex’s side. Kendra’s parents hated me, and so did our circle of friends. They all told me they didn’t want to have anything to do with the brother of a rapist. Everyone except Spencer rejected me. It was simple. Like a bad dream that wouldn’t end. Alex could have any girl he wanted. I was convinced that he would never, ever, force himself on someone, least of all his little brother’s girlfriend. Besides, my Dad told me that Alex had been home that whole night.”
His voice cracked. He sounded so desperate and so hurt that I could not help myself: I reached out to stroke his arm.
“What happened then?” I whispered.
Kaden’s eyes became even darker. “Kendra’s parents wanted to file charges against Alex, but my father made them an offer. I don’t need to tell you that money can buy anything.” For a while he just looked at me.
“My father couldn’t risk bad press. His company was hurting at the time, and any bad headlines would have meant bankruptcy. And I believed him. I was so blind to the truth that I’m pretty sure I would have testified for Alex in court if it went that far. But Kendra’s parents accepted the money and signed a confidentiality agreement.”
I felt ill, knowing how Kendra must have felt about all this.
“Alex insisted to me that it wasn’t him. He swore, looked at me in the eyes and acted as if he had no idea what I was talking about. He just lied to my face.”
I got up the guts to ask: “How did you find out the truth?”
Kaden pressed his lips together and took a moment to speak. “I overheard a conversation between Dad and Alex. My father asked if he’d at least used protection, or if he was going to be a grandfather.”
My mouth dropped open.
“I lost it and went after Alex. I couldn’t stop punching him. He kept on saying he was sorry and insisted that she had been into him and even wanted it. Then I went straight to Kendra, but she didn’t want to see me. I tried to apologize, to explain, but it took months before she could look at me, let alone talk to me. She forgave me but made it clear that she’d never be able to see me with the same eyes as before. Alex left her in ruins. He destroyed everything, including our friendship.”
“None of this is your fault, Kaden,” I insisted, sliding a little closer to him.
He looked up. His forehead was furrowed, his expression bitter. “I’m not to blame for his mistakes. But I enabled the hush-up. I let the pig get away, because I trusted my brother and father like a naive idiot.”
“But it wasn’t you who lied. It’s understandable to take your family’s side. Nothing wrong with that.” I paused. “Wait a minute … so why did you throw me out?”
Kaden clenched his teeth.
“Because you thought I was going to blame you for what happened to Kendra?”
“What happened to you, Allie … ” Kaden began with a heavy voice, “that was also covered up. How could I be with you when I knew damned well that I had done the same thing?”
He raised his hand to stop my attempt to contradict him.
“I have seen how bad these memories are for you, even today. No one deserves that. It’s not right. What happened to you is not right. And I … I protected a damned rapist!”
“But that doesn’t make you guilty of his crime!” I cried out. “You didn’t even know that he’d done it.”
“I should have questioned his story even more.”
“Kaden—”
“You worked so hard to be free, Allie. How could I do this to you? Every time you’d look at me, you’d see him.”
I slid from the sofa right into his lap. His arms stiffened. He was like stone.
“None of that is your fault, Kaden,” I said again, reaching my arms around him and holding him close.
“How can you say that?”
I leaned back to look deep into his eyes. It was important that he understand every word.
“Because I know you. I can’t say how you were in the past, and how I would have felt if Kendra were my friend. But I know the man you have become. And there’s nothing bad about him. The man I know would walk through fire for his friends. He would fly thousands of miles, leaving his family on a holiday, to be with his girlfriend when she needs him. Yes, I know you, Kaden. And I’d never hold you responsible for what happened.”
He closed his eyes. And then wrapped me in his arms and pressed me close. His shoulders were shaking, and he buried his face in my shoulder. Caressing his back, I murmured comforting words against his temple. I held him tightly and tried to drive out the demons of the past, the way he had for me.
Somehow we ended up lying on the floor. Kaden’s arms were still around me, his face pressed against my neck. But he’d stopped shuddering, and his breathing had calmed.
“You’re the best.”
I lifted my head a bit. “Hm?”
“That time in the hotel, when we agreed on a compromise, I told you that it was the second-best deal I’d ever made.”
He pulled away from me and sat up. His face was flushed, but he wasn’t as desperate as before. He seemed almost relieved, as if a huge load had been lifted from his shoulders.
“The best thing I ever did was take you into my apartment, Bubbles.” He brushed a strand of hair from my face.
“And yet you threw me out,” I reminded him, while trying not to sound reproachful. After what he’d just confided in me, how could I be angry at him? To see him suffer—it had almost broken my heart again.
“And that was my biggest mistake.”
“I fully agree, Mr. White.”
“I’m sorry I hurt you so much and destroyed our relationship, Bubbles. I…” He looked at me, determined. “I’m going to fix it. So we’re both on firm ground again.”
I returned his gaze, but with a little less confidence.
Things had changed. Now I knew that the reason for Kaden’s behavior lay with his past and not with me. Kaden would obviously need time to work this out. And it wouldn’t be easy for either of us. Who knew better than me what kind of strength that process required?
But this was about Kaden—the guy I’d fallen head over heels in love with. If he couldn’t do it alone, then I would dig deep into my reserves to help him. We would make it.
“We’re not totally destroyed, Kaden. Just give me a little time,” I whispered.
Kaden’s smile was worth everything. Simply everything.
“Okay. And in the meantime I’ll do my best to make you smile again.”