20 Days to Go

I have spent the past several days running ragged at work. Today is the first day in over a week that I have gotten to do anything for the wedding. The last two days for me have been spent in bed with a viral infection, the first one that has knocked me down in a while. That is part of the joys of being a nurse, I guess. I am so excited that it is nearly time for me to say “I do”. I will admit that I am worried something will go wrong. Rich is still distant with me.  He has spent so much more time away from home, going for longer runs after work, eating and then heading straight to bed.  He has continued his morning routine, but now he changes in the bathroom, away from me. His behavior grew more indifferent when he came back from his stag do, which consisted of paintball with the lads. That was the first time he had been anywhere near Chad since he opened up over kissing Megan. I still play the conversation in my head.

“Why did you kiss Megan?” I shouted as I jumped into the car.

“I don’t want to talk about it, Jenny,” Rich replied, looking down at his legs.

“You have to tell me! We are getting married soon.” I paused. “Or did you forget that and think you can kiss anyone you want whenever?”

I sat there, looking at him as he placed his hand over his face.

“Just tell me why!” I snarled.

“I was scared,” Rich said. I heard the worry in his voice.

“Of what?” I paused. “Please tell me, Rich,” I pleaded and placed my hand on his back.

Rich shrugged.

“Do you not love me anymore?” I asked while my eyes began filling with tears.

“I do, I think I do, I was just confused,” Rich replied, turning around to face me.

“Go on.”

“I kissed Megan to see if I had feelings for another woman.”

“Why? Why Megan?” I questioned. Tears begin rolling down my face.

“I love her.”

“What?” I asked, unclipping my seat belt.

“I loved her, or I thought I did. I did not feel anything when I kissed her.” He paused. “I am so confused.”

“Why?”

“I have feelings for a man.” He paused. “I think I do.”

I opened the car door to get out. Rich took hold of my arm, stopping me from leaving.

“Let go!” I yelled.

“No, Jenny, we can sort this.”

“Not if you’re a flipping gay boy!” I yelled as more tears streamed down my face.

“Jenny, I was drunk. I have never been around him since.”

“Who?”

“Chad,” he replied as he kept a tight hold of me.

“He is straight. Right?”

“Yes, but we got drunk and close. I felt something.” Rich pulled me close and forced a kiss on me. I used all my strength to push him off me. I didn’t want him anywhere near me.  Rich kept tight hold of my wrist. “I love you. The feelings I have for you are more than I have for him. I love you more than anyone, than life. You are my world, Jenny.” He paused, “Please forgive me. I said nothing happened. It was just a feeling, a feeling I never acted upon. I never will act on it. I can’t be without you. Please, Jenny.”

I took a deep breath. “Take me home.” I needed to get home. I needed time to think. I didn’t know what to do.

Later that night, we sat and talked through everything. Rich recounted the entire story. He had been at Chad’s twenty-sixth birthday party. They had been drinking all night at a strip club, and I knew that’s where they were. I trusted Rich enough to know he was not going to do anything stupid.  Well, I thought I did. He told me that someone started a fight on them, and Chad pulled him close out of the way so he wouldn’t get hurt. They ended up really close.

He said, “It just felt right. It felt like we should be close. At the time, it was like the world stopped, leaving just the two of us.” He paused and turned towards me. He placed his hand on my knee and said, “I’m sorry.”

“Sorry?”  I questioned.

“Yes,” he answered, tilting his head down to the floor. “I know I shouldn’t have done it, but you know as much as I do, when something feels right, you act on it.  That’s how we became an item.  That moment with Chad…it felt right.  I felt like I was doing the right thing. I wanted him to kiss me. I wanted everyone to disappear.”

I spent the rest of the night wanting to be away from Rich, but he was not going to have that. I agreed to sexy time with him, so he would stop worrying as much. I did not want it, and definitely did not want to be near him, have him touch me or anything dealing with him. Once he fell asleep, I took a long shower and washed everything off me. That night I slept on the sofa alone.

After a few days break, Rich came back to the flat we shared at the time. He had seen Chad and talked everything out with him. He was definitely over it all. He spent the next few days helping me with wedding plans and going back to the normal Rich, the man I fell in love with, the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. My Rich.

I think I will always worry a little bit that something did happen. I think I would rather not know, though. I chose not to tell Megan; I cannot have her worrying over this. Yes, she is my best friend and like a sister to me. I know she wants to do what is best for me and protect me, like I do with her. I just hope Rich and me are sorted now, that Chad is history in the love life side. I know they are still friends. I never asked him about Chad when he came back from the stag do. I do know they all got drunk, like men always do, and Chad was in some of the pictures, but never mentioned.

Today, I’m going to write all the name place cards and match them to the seating plans. I love being able to write in calligraphy. It is such an easy thing to learn and looks so nice and pretty. It saves a lot of time and money being able to do the little bits myself. I switch on the stereo and get everything set up to begin writing.

Finishing touches are the best.