Jess

I watched Sean’s retreating back, taking note of how his shoulders stretched his T-shirt, and the way his broad chest moved down to a slim yet solid waist.

What I didn’t pay attention to was the way I wanted to sink through the chair I sat on.

My entire body was hot, the burden of shame making my skin feel flushed.

I was such a jerk.

All during the day, I had tried to pretend that this meant nothing, that I wasn’t excited at the prospect of seeing Sean. Never mind that I had taken such care with my outfit, even though I’d pretended that I wasn’t. And, never mind that the smile he had given me when I walked into the pub was enough to make me swoon.

No, rather than being an adult and facing up to the attraction that was steadily growing for Sean, I had gone on the attack.

It was beneath me, shameful, and it was something I would have to apologize for. I wondered if Sean would be willing to hear it.

There was no doubt that he was angry with me.

I didn’t know him very well, but I didn’t have to know him to see that. I didn’t know how receptive he would be to an apology, or, even worse, if my behavior would affect things between him and Jake.

“Great fucking job, Jess,” I muttered.

“Sean already has you talking to yourself?”

I turned at the sound of the quiet yet friendly voice and then looked up.

It was Grace, the woman who had been nice enough to let me in that first night when I had been near crazed with panic, one who seemed to be offering some distraction, which I could use.

“This isn’t Sean’s doing,” I said on a deep sigh.

Grace paused for a moment, then looked around the bar.

Apparently satisfied with what she saw, she sat down next to me.

I realized then what Sean had meant. From this seat, I could see the entire floor of the bar and felt like I was a part of it. But when I looked closer, it became clear that there was a space that separated this table from the rest of the place. Conversations could be had here and go unheard, but there was little that would escape my notice from this spot.

Which Sean had tried to explain, but I had been too busy insulting him by insinuating he was being a big shot to listen.

“He’s a good guy,” Grace said.

I looked at her, studied her for a moment. My first impression of her had been positive, and that hadn’t changed. I felt like I could trust her.

“You don’t beat around the bush, do you?” I said.

“No. I don’t have the time to waste,” she responded.

I shook my head. “I’m sorry. I seem to have a horrible case of sticking my foot in my mouth tonight. Tell Sean I’ll talk to him later. I think I should go,” I said, moving to stand.

Grace shook her head. “No, stay,” she said.

I hadn’t quite stood yet, but sat perched on the edge of the seat, torn between listening to her and trying to find some escape from my own embarrassment and actions. I eventually settled back down, deciding that leaving would be cowardly, and I had done quite enough as it was. I wouldn’t add that to my list of missteps for the day.

“Why do you think I should stay?” I asked.

“Because this is important for Sean, and I think he’s important to you,” she said.

“What do you mean by that?” I asked.

She looked at me, then searched the bar. Her gaze landed on Sean, and a split second later mine did too.

I could only see him in profile, but I knew instantly that his face was turned up in a smile, and I heard his hearty, now-familiar laugh as he slapped one of the patrons on the back. Carefree, boisterous, the Sean that I thought him to be. But even from this distance, I could see his awareness, figured he could probably feel me looking at him. I also knew that the upset of earlier wasn’t quite gone.

He may be putting on a good face, but Sean was still pissed. And he had every right to be.

“I think you might be wrong about that,” I said.

I turned my head and looked at Grace, trying my hardest to avoid looking at Sean, if only not to have to think about how unkind I had been earlier.

“No,” she said with a quiet certainty that made me look at her again.

“You sound sure,” I said.

“I am,” she replied, nodding.

“Can you explain?” I asked.

She looked at Sean again and then looked back at me. “It’s not my issue to explain. But I know how much Jake means to Sean, and I saw how much Jake means to you. That means you two have to work together, and Sean is going to see that you do. I would just hope you do your part,” she said, looking at me almost sternly.

She froze, then shook her head. “And now it’s my turn to apologize,” she said.

“Why?” I asked.

“I’m sticking my nose somewhere it doesn’t belong. None of this is my business,” she said.

“But…?” I asked, sensing that something else was hanging on those words.

“But, Sean is the best friend I’ve ever had. One of the best men I’ve ever known. And he is going to be the best father for Jake that he can possibly be. I’d hate for tension between the two of you to ruin that,” she said. I didn’t want that either and I felt like an ass for letting my own guilt about my growing feelings for Sean make that even a possibility.

“It won’t,” I responded emphatically.

“Good to hear it. Can I get you anything else to drink, Jess?” she said.

The shift in her body language was startling in its speed.

She had been open, direct, and though quiet, unwavering in a way that left me no doubt that she meant every single word she was saying. But in an instant she had sunk back into that shell that I thought I had seen earlier, giving off the impression of docile meekness that I suspected was just a front.

“No thank you, Grace. I’m fine,” I said.

I was curious about her, and curious about her relationship with Sean, but I didn’t ask. I doubted she would tell me anything, and more to the point, I knew it wasn’t any of my business. I was here simply to get more comfortable with Sean so that he could get more comfortable with Jake. How I felt, the things that I was curious about, had no role here.

I needed to mind my own business and keep my focus where it belonged.

On instinct, I looked at Sean, then looked away quickly.

And, my focus didn’t belong on Sean.

* * *

Sean

“You have to go over there eventually,” Grace said.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” I responded without looking at her.

“Yeah,” she said.

I sighed and then finally looked at Grace, still pissed but knowing it was time to get over it. Sure, Jess had been trying to push me away, but I wasn’t easily deterred, and I needed to start acting like it. “I liked you a lot more when I thought you were too scared to talk,” I said.

“I was never too scared to talk,” she responded. “You need to go over there.”

“Grace…” I said.

“Sean, you said yourself, it’s important for you to get to know her and for her to get to know you if you want to speed up getting to know Jake, so swallow your pride and your hurt feelings and get over there and talk to her.”

“I guess you’re right,” I said, though I made no effort to move.

I had thought about going over several times in the past half an hour. That half an hour had felt like an eternity, and though I had considered it, I’d stayed where I was.

The memory of how she had been, so dismissive, so certain that I was something I wasn’t still angered me even now. I could clearly see that it was a defense mechanism, her attempt to keep me off guard. And perhaps an attempt to make herself think that I really was all those things I thought I had proved I wasn’t.

I didn’t like it, and I was doing the best I could, but Jess didn’t seem to appreciate that.

Of course, staying here, sulking wasn’t going to change that.

I looked at Grace, who looked back at me, her expression knowing, her face patient.

“Don’t gloat, Grace,” I said.

She flashed me the quickest smile and then moved to the end of the bar. She hadn’t said anything, but she hadn’t needed to.

Grace was right. I needed to be on good terms with Jess, even if she didn’t want that to happen. But first, I would get some things straight.

I finished the last of my drink, the same glass of ice water that had been sitting in front of me since I’d sat at the bar, and then walked over to my table.

Jess hadn’t moved, but I knew she was aware of me as I approached. I couldn’t quite put my finger on how I knew, but I did. There was some imperceptible change in her, or maybe the change was in me. Each step that brought me closer to her made me both excited and nervous, and I couldn’t stop myself from thinking, hoping, that it was the same for her.

But for now, I pushed that aside and then stopped in front of the table.

She waited until I looked down at her to turn and meet my gaze. Her golden-brown eyes looked regretful, but also open.

“You mind coming with me?” I asked.

She didn’t respond but stood next to me, again let me glimpse at how lovingly her shirt caressed her body, and made me wonder how nice it would feel to put my hands at the curve of her waist.

Not the direction I had intended this to go, but it was a reaction that I couldn’t seem to help when Jessica was around.

“This way,” I said.

I nodded at a few regulars and then headed to the back room.

I closed the door, muffling the sound of the pub. Strangely, the quiet made the moment light instead of making it heavier. It was weird, because given the seriousness of what we needed to discuss, I had thought the opposite. But now, when I was here with her in this room, the sounds of the pub still clear but not quite as boisterous, I felt better.

It was almost like both of us had been transported out of the Boiler Room Irish Pub and Bakery. And she wasn’t Jessica Roberts, surrogate mother to my son. All of that had fallen away, and I was simply a man trying to reach an understanding with a woman and she was trying to reach one with a man.

“Jess—”

“I—”

She smiled softly when we both tried to speak and then shook her head. “You first,” she said.

I took a deep breath, used that moment to figure out what I wanted to say, and, more importantly, how I wanted to say it.

As I waited, Jess studied me, and I decided that the direct approach was the best approach.

“Jess, we need to reach an understanding,” I said.

I looked at her after I finished speaking, wondering if she would respond. She didn’t, so I continued.

“I understand why you think what you do. I mean, the circumstances of all this probably reflect poorly enough on me,” I said.

I thought about that, how the fact that I could barely remember Misty might play in Jess’s eyes.

Still, that didn’t change the facts of the situation, which was something I needed her to understand. I told her as much.

“The important thing here is Jake,” I said.

Though she didn’t speak, she nodded. So I continued. “I’m going to be in his life,” I said.

“I know, Sean. I’m not trying to keep you away from him,” she said.

“No, you’re not, and thank you for that. But I need more. I’m demanding more,” I said.

She wrinkled her brow, her question clear on her face, and I was happy to resolve her confusion.

“You don’t try to keep me from him, but I need more than you passively tolerating my presence.. Am I wrong that you are Jake’s primary caregiver?” I asked.

The answer was clear, but I wanted to see how honest Jess would be about it.

“Yeah. I mean, I’m with him most days,” she said.

Even as she confessed that, I knew she was understating. Not once in the weeks since I had found out about him had I seen Misty again. I would have thought that at least once or twice when I had gone over to Jess’s she would be there, but she hadn’t been. There was no question as to who was responsible for Jake, which meant there was no question of who I needed to win over.

“Since we can agree on that, I think you recognize that it’s important that we’re on the same page,” I said.

“Yeah, that’s important. We want to keep things consistent for him, so we need to see eye to eye for that to happen,” she said.

“And I don’t think we’re going to see eye to eye if you think I’m some good-for-nothing,” I said.

“Sean, I don’t think—”

“Don’t you?” I asked.

She sighed, her expression looking guilty. “I’m sorry about that earlier,” she said. “There was no cause for it. You’re only trying to do something nice and instead of appreciating it I talked down to you. So I apologize. It won’t happen again.”

She seemed so reasonable that it took me a moment to respond. “You mean that?” I asked.

She nodded. Yes,” she said. “I really was out of line. And I think you’re right. Jake needs both of us to be on the same page, and I need to accept that you’re going to play a role in his life. I can’t let my perceptions, or my stupidity get in the way of that.”

“No, and besides, I’m not that bad of a guy,” I said.

She looked at me for a moment, studying, her expression playful. “Really?” she said, sounding skeptical, though the smile on her face took away some of the weight of the words.

“Yeah, really,” I said.

“To be determined, Mr. Murphy,” she replied.

“So that means you’re going to see me again?” I asked.

She paused for a moment, looking surprised.

“Of course I am,” she said.

“That’s not what I mean and you know it, Jess,” I said, stepping closer to her.

“What do you mean, Sean?” she whispered. She looked up at me with big eyes, the expression in them one that I couldn’t quite interpret.

I leaned close to her, so close that our lips almost brushed. One millimeter closer and we would have been kissing.

I wanted that to happen, needed it to, but not yet.

So, instead of doing what felt so natural and so right, capturing her lips and kissing her until she was breathless, I smiled.

“I’ll tell you later,” I said.