Sean

“Eat this.”

Grace put a plate in front of me on the bar and then looked at me expectantly.

“Not hungry,” I said.

“You didn’t eat breakfast, either,” she whispered.

“I told you I wasn’t fucking hungry, Grace,” I said through clenched teeth.

I immediately regretted the words, regretted them even more when I saw the hurt in her eyes.

“Grace,” I said.

She kept her back to me but I heard her whispered, “Yes?”

“I’m sorry,” I said.

“It’s fine,” she responded.

She still didn’t look at me though, so I knew I would have to apologize again, maybe when the emotions weren’t so raw.

And who fucking knew when that would happen.

I was nothing but raw emotions, at least when Jake wasn’t around.

I did my best to keep up my energy, my spirits, make sure that he couldn’t tell that anything was wrong. But when he wasn’t around, the sadness that pushed at me weighed even heavier.

It was almost too much to bear.

Every moment when I wasn’t with Jake I thought about that last conversation with Jess, how it might have gone differently.

Thought about what had made her leave us. Got angry that she’d been able to.

She had crushed Jake, she had crushed me, and she hadn’t given it a second thought.

I’d thought she was a good person. And I’d been wrong.

The most fucked-up thing about it was that I loved her anyway.

If she came back, I would beg her to stay, but then I’d get to live with the fear of wondering when she would decide that she’d had enough, when she would bail on us again.

I wanted to kick my own ass for forgetting something my mother had taught me. Those brief, shining days with Jess had tricked me. Had allowed me to believe that not all people left.

But they did leave.

Always.

“You gonna eat that?” Declan asked.

I hadn’t even heard him come in, but I looked at him as he settled on the bar stool next to me and then turned to Grace, who scurried away without acknowledging either of us.

“Be my guest,” I said.

Without saying anything else, Declan dug into the sandwich. Grace came back long enough to deposit two shots of whiskey and two glasses of water before she left again.

Declan didn’t speak, and instead ate until the sandwich was gone, took the shot, and then began to sip the water. When that was gone, he wiped his hands on a napkin and then looked at me.

“I thought you would be done moping by now,” he said.

“Not in the mood, Declan,” I said.

“Since when do I give a fuck about your moods?” he asked.

“Since now, since I said I’m not in the fucking mood,” I said.

I turned to face him, thinking that perhaps a fight would make me feel better. Declan would probably kick the shit out of me, but at least it would be a distraction from the torture of missing Jess.

“I could cave your fucking face in if you’d like. But you’d have to explain that to the boy, and it won’t help,” he said.

“Maybe me caving in yours would,” I responded.

“Not gonna happen, and even if it did, it wouldn’t help.”

“So what’s gonna help?”

I fucking hated saying those words, hated that I was so desperate for help that I was asking. But I had no other alternative. Declan was right that I couldn’t go on like this, but I couldn’t see a way out.

“Have you tried to see this from her point of view?” he asked.

I had explained to my brothers that Jess was gone, and at their surprise, and in a moment of weakness, had told them what she’d said. I’d been so enraged I’d barely been able to get the words out, and none of them had reacted. I had almost forgotten about that, but it was clear Declan hadn’t.

“What’s her point of view? That the kid fucking loves her and she’s going to ditch him?”

“And you love her and she’s going to ditch you?”

“I didn’t say that,” I said.

“You didn’t have to,” Declan said.

“Not like it matters. She’s gone,” I replied.

“It matters,” Declan said.

“Why do you say that?”

“Because you care about her. That kid cares about her. And you both need her in your lives,” he answered.

“She should know that,” I responded.

“Did you tell her?” he asked.

“I shouldn’t have to tell her, because she should fucking know. And besides, she’ll just check out later anyway,” I said.

“Sean,” Declan whispered.

Something in his tone of voice made me look at him, and when I did, I saw his expression, the seriousness in it. The almost earnestness, something I would never associate with Declan.

“She’s not Mom,” he said flatly.

“Nobody’s talking about Mom, Declan,” I replied, waving him away.

“You may not know that you are, but you are. Just visit her. She’s not just going to leave you,” he said.

“That’s exactly what she’s going to do. In fact, she already did it,” I said.

I was impressed that I had managed to sound so calm, so nonchalant, especially when my chest felt like it was going to collapse with the weight of my pain. I hadn’t even allowed myself to acknowledge how much this hurt, how much that hurt reminded me of my mother. But now that Declan had said it out loud, there was no way to get around it.

“Probably for the best. She kept us from having to worry about when she’s going to bail,” I said.

“I saw Jess with that kid. She loves him, and she’s doing what she thinks she has to because she loves him. Just like Mom,” he said.

“I hope you don’t believe that shit, Declan,” I muttered.

“I believe it, and it’s not shit. But there’s one major difference. Back then, you couldn’t help Mom see how much we needed her. But you can make Jess see how much Jake needs her and how much you do,” he answered.

“I wouldn’t, and even if I did, I don’t know where she is,” I said.

“I do,” he replied.

I looked at him, surprised.

“I was keeping tabs. Needed to make sure I had the information when you came to your senses,” he said.

“Don’t know if that happened,” I said. “It seems to me that she did me a favor.”

“You don’t believe that,” Declan said, standing. “And when you realize you don’t, here’s her address.”

He set the scrap of paper on the bar and then turned to leave. I reached for it on instinct and turned it over in my palm.

My brain told me I should burn it, but my hands wouldn’t cooperate.

* * *

Jess

I finished another shift, my third of the day, and when I got back to my new place, I collapsed into the bed.

My body was physically exhausted, but no matter how hard I worked, it wasn’t hard enough to shut my mind off, wasn’t hard enough to make me forget all that I had lost, all that I had left behind.

Nothing ever would.

My heart absolutely ached. I thought of Jake and Sean constantly, wondered if he was doing okay, if he missed me. Hated myself for having done this to him and hated even more that it had to be this way.

Though it had been several weeks since I had seen them last, rather than getting easier, each day seemed a little bit harder.

I hadn’t tried to reach out to Jake again, but one day a week ago, my phone had rung unexpectedly.

I hadn’t changed the number, some small part of me still needing that connection with Jake.

And when I had heard his voice on the phone, so happy, so excited as he told me about the awesome day he’d had with his daddy, I had been broken.

Sean hadn’t even spoken to me, but hearing Jake had confirmed that what I had suspected was true.

Jake would be fine with Sean, and I was doing the right thing by making sure that father and son were together. I kept telling myself that as I made my way back to my sad apartment. The building was one of the nicer apartments I’d found. It could have been a palace and that wouldn’t have made any difference. Misty was dead, Jake and Sean were gone, and I was certain the hurt of all that was driving me insane.

So much so that when I heard a knock at the door, I wasn’t sure if it was real or something I’d dreamed up.

I walked toward the door, wondering who it could be. I hadn’t spoken to anyone in the building and there was no one who would come find me. Except…

I dismissed the thought before it could fully form and opened the door.

My eyes welled with tears of both happiness and shock when I glimpsed Sean.

“What are you doing here, Sean?” I asked, impressed that I had managed to speak.

“I have no fucking idea, Jess,” he said.

I saw that his expression was one of confusion, anger, regret, and deep hurt.

“Come in,” I said, ushering him in.

“Where’s Jake?” I asked, the question coming automatically.

“You care?” he asked.

“Of course I care,” I said, my voice sharp.

I realized that I didn’t have any right to be angry at him for asking me that question, but didn’t he understand?

“You understand why I asked?” he said.

“No I don’t understand why asked,” I said, temper still rising, but this wasn’t exactly rational.

“Tell me why you did it,” he said.

“Tell you why I did what?” I asked.

“Why did you leave us? Him?” he said.

“Sean, I didn’t leave…”

“What the fuck do you call it, then?”

“I was doing what I thought best,” I said.

Sean growled but then calmed instantly.

“Why did you think leaving would be best?”

“Because…”

“I’m waiting,” he said, looking at me with his head tilted, his body in a defensive stance.

“I’m sorry, Sean,” I whispered, not able to look at him anymore.

Sean wasn’t having it. He shifted until he was in my line of sight. “Sorry for what?” he said.

God, didn’t he know that this was killing me? “Don’t you get it, Sean?”

“I don’t,” he said.

The first tear slipped out of my eye, and once that happened, I couldn’t hold them back. So I let them fall as I explained what should have been obvious.

“You’re angry with me,” I said.

“How could you tell?” he asked, though his usual humor was muted.

“Because you’re smart. And you should be angry at me. You trusted me with your child, and I put him in danger,” I said.

My voice had risen with each word, and by the time I finished, I was screaming. I tried to imagine how I looked, probably like a lunatic as I screamed at Sean, who had done nothing wrong. But I couldn’t help myself. The guilt of what had happened with Jake, Misty’s death, had been eating at me. I couldn’t hold it in.

“That’s your reason? Or are you just playing the martyr? Making some excuse to push us away,” he said.

His voice had deepened, had taken on a razor-sharp edge that sent a chill through me.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“What I mean is, you were put in an impossible situation. You took on responsibilities that weren’t yours. You put Jake first. Like a mother should,” he whispered.

His words made my heart twist, and through my teary eyes, I looked at him and sighed.

“I know you don’t believe this, and you think that I was naive about everything that Misty did, but I wasn’t. Maybe I turned a blind eye to some things, and maybe I didn’t quite understand how far gone she was, but I knew my sister. I knew what she was. And I knew that someone had to be there for Jake.”

“Yeah,” he said.

Sean wasn’t making this easy, but I didn’t exactly deserve easy.

“So anyway, I did what I had to do to keep the peace, did what I needed to do to make sure that Misty wouldn’t do something crazy like take him and run off, and I’d never see them again. Never know if he was being taken care of,” I said.

“Okay,” he said.

“And then you came into the picture,” I said.

“Which I thought was a good thing. And I thought you thought it was a good thing,” he said.

“It was a good thing. And I thought it was a good thing. Well, not at first,” I said, chuckling, remembering how suspicious I had been of Sean, how much I didn’t know if I could trust him with Jake.

“That changed?” he said.

“Yeah, it definitely changed. Sean, I’ve never told you this, but you are going to be a wonderful father. You are a wonderful father. Jake is lucky to have you,” I said.

“Just like he was lucky to have you,” Sean said.

I shook my head. “That’s just it. Jake didn’t have me. Jake wasn’t mine. I was just a stand-in, someone there to protect him, shepherd him while his parents couldn’t. But then you came. So there’s no need for me,” I said.

Saying the words out loud was hard, but now that I had, I was sure Sean would see. Maybe now he would understand that I had done what I had needed to do.

He looked at me, his face twisted in disgust.

“Jess, that’s the stupidest fucking thing I’ve ever heard anyone say,” he said.

I looked at him, stunned by his words, thinking perhaps I had misheard. But when I saw the expression on his face, I knew that I hadn’t.

“What does that mean?” I asked, frowning.

“It means you’re insane if you believe that,” he said.

“Sean, I don’t understand,” I replied.

He chuckled, gave me that smile that reminded me of so many I had seen from him before. “Obviously,” he said.

“Sean…”

“You don’t see it. You legitimately don’t,” he said.

“Don’t see what?”

“You’re Jake’s mother. Not by blood, but in all the ways that count. You’re the one who has been there for him, you’re the one that he goes to. You’re the one that he needs. You’re his mother, Jess,” he said.

“But I’m not—”

I cut off when he tilted his head, narrowed his eyes.

“I know that you feel some kind of loyalty to Misty. Think that by saying it you would be dishonoring her memory, maybe trying to take her place. So I’ll say it. You’re his mother and he needs you,” he said.

He went quiet then, shifting his weight to his other foot, a motion I didn’t recall having seen from him. He breathed out deep, brushed his hand across his already messy hair. “I need you too,” he said finally.

“What?”

He looked up, his expression one that was a little bit angry, but also somewhat confused. And more than anything, it was certain.

“I need you, Jess.”

I had heard him right. I closed my eyes, the words ricocheting through me, leaving me feeling somewhat unbalanced, not quite myself because I had dreamed of hearing them for so long, and now that I had I wasn’t sure what it meant.

“This isn’t easy for me,” he said.

At the sound of his voice, I opened my eyes, looked at him and could see the torture on his face.

“Because of your mother?” I asked.

He nodded. “I told myself I would never be in a position where someone could hurt me like that again. I tried my hardest not to be. But you didn’t seem to notice that, and if you did, you certainly didn’t care,” he said.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“You made me care, Jess. You made me want a family. That family is you and Jake. Without both of you, something is missing. I know you feel it,” he said.

“I do,” I said.

Saying those words didn’t even begin to reveal how deeply I felt that, how much I missed both of them each and every day.

“You’re saying this is a possibility?” I asked.

“A possibility? It’s already happened. You might have left, but that doesn’t change the fact that we are family now, and we always will be. So are you ready to come home?” he asked.

I looked at him, my heart trembling. Instead of answering, I kissed him.

He froze for a moment, and I pulled back, wondering if I had ruined my only chance. Sean’s face was completely emotionless, but I could see that he was considering, knew that my future hung on what happened next.

In the next breath, he captured my lips with his and kissed me with a passion and emotion that went beyond all others we had shared. My relief was palpable, and the only feeling that surpassed it was the complete and utter joy of being in Sean’s arms again.

The urgency of this moment made our motions jerky and uncoordinated as we shed our clothes. Sean entered me in a rush, taking me to the heights of pleasure and over quickly, the intensity of the emotion making me feel like a tornado had ripped through my soul.

I didn’t care.

There’d be time later for slowness, finesse. Or at least I hoped there would be.

“You asked me a question earlier,” I said when I found my voice again.

I was curled against Sean’s side, my face against his chest as I listened to his heartbeat.

“I know,” he said, the rumble of his voice making me smile.

But, as much as I loved the feeling, I broke away and looked at him, my eyes locked on his.

“I asked if you were ready,” he said.

I studied his face, certain now that I saw the love I felt, the future I wanted to build reflected back at me.

“I love you, Sean,” I said.

His response was instant. “I love you too, Jess,” he said, his voice brimming with emotion that made my own heart wobble.

“And yes, Sean,” I said, knowing that I had finally found the place that would be mine forever. “I’m ready to come home.”