Sean

“What’s got you so down, Jess?” I asked a few days later after we’d gotten Jake down for the night.

It had taken Jake a day or two to get used to the new place, but they were finally settling in. Still, I could see that something was bothering her. And I wanted to fix it. And I wanted her to let me.

“Nothing,” she said, shaking her head quickly.

When I didn’t speak, she looked at me, and then smiled, the expression telling me she could see she had been caught and that I wasn’t buying her obvious lie.

We’d talked about this, and I had told her that she needed to be honest with me and tell me what she was thinking. But she was so damn stubborn, so strong, she almost never did. I wanted to change that, and I would do everything I could to. Because Jess mattered to Jake. She mattered to me. I wouldn’t let her close herself off.

“I know Teddy has probably gotten rid of all my stuff. You probably paid him to,” she said.

“I did not pay him,” I said. After a moment, I smiled. “But I told him to dispose of whatever he’d like.”

She looked crestfallen and I stood, crossed the open space of her living room, and stopped in front of her. She ducked her face down, unwilling to look at me, but I wouldn’t have it.

I tilted her chin up until she faced me, ignored the nearly overpowering desire to kiss her breathless, and locked eyes with her.

“It’s nothing—” she started. Then she stopped and sighed. “I didn’t really care about the stuff that was there. But there was one thing…”

Surprisingly, the wistfulness in her tone made my heart lift. “Wait a minute,” I said.

I left and then ran from her place to mine and back again as quickly as I could.

When I returned she was standing in the same spot I’d left her in, looking at me quizzically and then turning her attention to what I held.

“Is that…?” she asked, her face shaped in a mask of surprise.

“What you wanted? That one thing you mentioned?” I said.

I moved closer and gave her the box I held. When she looked at it, her eyes began to water, and then she drifted toward the sofa and sat down. I followed, not exactly sure why she’d reacted so strongly but touched by Jess’s emotion.

“What is it?” I asked.

I was on pins and needles as I waited for her response. Jess was so reserved that I didn’t know how she’d take my question. Would she see it as prying and pull back even further?

Or would she see it for what it was and finally share more of herself with me?

I wasn’t sure and became even less so in the long seconds of silence. But a moment later she lifted the lid and pulled out a worn photo album.

“This is everything. Our lives,” she whispered.

I didn’t quite understand what she meant, but instead of asking I watched as she pulled the book open.

The first page had two pictures. One little girl I immediately recognized as Jess, the other Misty.

“I have no idea how I held on to these for all these years. But they’re the only ones I have from then,” she said.

“When was then?” I asked.

“Third grade. Maybe fourth. Class picture day. We were kids, didn’t have money to buy pictures of ourselves, and nobody else gave a shit. But I got my hands on these and somehow kept them all these years.”

That little memory told me so much about Jess, but I didn’t press for more. Instead I watched as she turned the page. The next pictures were of her and Misty when they were teenagers, then adults. And then Jake.

I slid close to her, my eyes riveted to the picture of my son in his first hours of life.

“This is one from the hospital,” she said.

As she spoke she let her fingers linger over the page, the emotion in her face undeniable.

“He was a tiny thing. I was so worried about getting him home on the bus,” she said.

“How did you?” I asked, rather than asking the question that was on my mind.

“One of the nurses dropped us off. I don’t think she was supposed to do that, but I was very grateful,” she said.

“And where was Misty?” I asked, my voice taking on an edge that I knew Jess could hear.

“That was a hard time for her. She was alone,” Jess said.

“That’s bullshit, Jess,” I said.

She recoiled, but I didn’t regret what I’d said.

“You don’t know, Sean. You weren’t there,” she shot back.

The words stung, as she had no doubt intended, but I didn’t let that deter me.

“I wasn’t there because I didn’t have a chance to be. But she did have that chance and she wasn’t. How can you explain that away?”

“We are family. Misty and Jake are the only family I’ve ever had. Of course I was there for her. Just like I am for him and I always will be,” she said.

She spoke with an almost religious fervor, but she hadn’t answered my question. And I knew she couldn’t because there was no answer. But Jess didn’t see that and I couldn’t force her to.

In a way, I understood. I felt the same way about my brothers, so why should it be different for Jess? Yeah, Misty was fucked up, but who wasn’t? And even more, Jess had fought for Misty so long that it was ingrained. And I wouldn’t test the fragile thing we had started to build. Not yet. So I backed off for now.

“I did good getting this, huh?” I asked, smiling at her, making my voice as light as I could.

She sighed, closed the book, and then looked at me, a small smile playing on her face. “You did good. How did you know I would want this?” she asked.

“I don’t know,” I said, trying to sound casual.

She looked at me, her brows lifted, her expression skeptical.

I smiled and then shrugged. “Everything else there was shit. This was the only thing that felt like it might mean something,” I said.

Jess rolled her eyes and then shoved my shoulder. “Nothing in my house was shit,” she admonished.

“As you like, dear,” I responded.

Jess laughed but then quickly went still and quiet. She locked her eyes with mine and then whispered, “Thank you, Sean.”

The emotion in her voice was apparent, and I resisted the urge to touch her. Instead, I smiled softly.

“No problem,” I said.

I waited for Jess to look away, certain this moment would pass. But as she held my gaze, the moment deepened. When I’d made love to Jess, I’d felt a connection with her that had startled me with its intensity. I knew I’d lost a piece of myself to her. But in the days after, I’d tried to ignore that feeling.

I’d failed miserably, and been too much of a coward to talk to her about it. I’d begun to more times than I could remember. But just when I’d decide I had to talk to her and figure out how she felt about me, I’d freeze. I thought Jess felt something for me.

My gut told me she wasn’t the type to sleep with someone with no feeling behind it. And I sometimes caught a glimpse of her shy smile, thought that maybe she was remembering how explosive we’d been together. But just as quickly, I’d retreat, not willing to upset the delicate balance we were building.

“You didn’t have to do that,” she whispered, her voice full of emotion.

“No,” I said.

“Why did you then?” she asked.

The truth threatened to emerge from my throat. I was so very close to telling her the real reason. Was only a breath away from telling her how much I cared.

But the words wouldn’t come, and I didn’t force them. Instead I moved forward and kissed her, then flashed her a smile that I hoped hid what I was thinking.

“What can I say? I’m a nice guy,” I said.

Jess smiled at me indulgently. “You are,” she said like she believed it.

It was Jess who kissed me this time. Her lips against mine were potent, but even more powerful was the way she kissed me. She kissed me like she’d been doing so for years.

She kissed me like she was supposed to.

And that, more than anything, was my undoing.

I reached up to cup her cheek with my hand, her soft skin under my palm and her warm breath against my face revving my desire higher. As one, we stood, and by silent agreement went to her bedroom.

“Lie back,” Jess whispered, and I took no time in complying.

I only moved to allow her to remove my shirt, and then held myself still as she removed my shoes and pants. This reminded me so much of our first time together, but now I knew the exquisite joy of being with her, which had my anticipation spiking.

But I clenched my fist and maintained my control and watched Jess as she stripped out of her clothes.

Her body was beautiful, her ripe curves inviting. I’d dreamed of exploring her again, and didn’t take my eyes from her as she rummaged in my pockets for a condom and then walked toward me.

I clenched my teeth tighter when she began to roll the latex down my shaft. She moved excruciatingly slow, her unhurried actions making my breath come out in sharp pants. She leaned over me, her breasts swaying enticingly, so I reached out for one of the full mounds, smiling with satisfaction when she sighed.

When she pushed against my shoulder, I lay back, my breath hitching when she straddled me. I could feel the heat of her pussy, was beyond anxious to be inside her. It seemed Jess shared my urgency. She gripped my cock at the base and guided me to her center.

I reached for her hips. Held her tight and as she lowered herself, I thrust up.

We both froze when we came together, Jess’s hands on my flanks holding me as I held her. At her first experimental motion, my control snapped. I clamped my hand down tight on her hip, holding her still as I thrust into her wildly, my hips pistioning so fast and so hard that her breasts jiggled.

I’d had lovers, but nothing in my experience had prepared me for Jess. The unity of this moment, the connection of heart and mind and emotion was strong enough to throw me off balance.

And as I emptied my seed into the latex, I knew that if I wasn’t careful, I would lose my heart.