Sean

I found Jess where I had left her an hour ago, stationed outside of Jake’s door. She wanted to make everything seem as normal as possible, so she hadn’t stayed with him like she’d wanted. Instead, she’d tucked him in like always and left his room.

But once she was sure he slept, she’d stationed herself at the corner of his doorway, just out of sight if he happened to wake up, and she hadn’t moved an inch.

I stared at her, noticing how she managed to look both relieved and haunted. I took the spot on the floor beside her.

“He seems all right,” I said.

“That he does. He’s a tough kid,” she replied.

“Just like you taught him to be.”

She looked at me, her face partially shadowed in the semidarkness of the hallway. Her expression was unreadable, and I wondered what she was thinking. I hadn’t had a chance to ask or a chance to really talk to her at all since I had gotten back. And I knew she was tired, but I needed to know.

“I meant what I said,” I added a moment later.

“What’s that?” she asked.

“It’s not your fault. None of this is your fault,” I said.

“Yeah,” she replied quietly.

“You’re not agreeing with me. You think this is your fault, Jess,” I said.

“Misty’s dead. The only family I’ve ever known. The only person who has been there for my entire life. The only person that has ever stuck with me. And she’s gone, gone because I was too blind and too full of myself and—”

She broke off, not saying whatever it was she had been on the verge of saying. She swallowed thickly and then went on. “Yeah, you better believe it’s my fault.”

“You did all you could for her. You did more than you should have had to.”

“And look how it turned out,” she whispered.

I raised up on my heels and kneeled in front of her, my eyes lasered on hers. She looked startled, but I didn’t let that dissuade me. She needed to hear this.

“It turned out that she got a good kid, one who doesn’t know the kind of life that you and she lived. That I lived. And that’s because of you,” I said emphatically.

She was quiet for a moment and lowered her eyes until I couldn’t see them. Then she looked at me again. “Thanks, Sean,” she said.

“For what?” I asked.

“For saying that, and for meaning it. It means a lot to me.”

“Then why don’t I think you believe me?” I asked, feeling urgent now. I was exhausted, the emotions of the last few days leaving me drained. But I also felt like I was on the precipice.

I felt like Jess was slipping away.

“What I believe isn’t important. What’s important is what happens now,” she said.

“Yeah,” I said.

I was agreeing with her when my gut told me to fight. But when I went to continue, the words wouldn’t come.

I’d imagined the moment when I would tell her how I felt. We’d both be worn out from the explosive sex that only seemed to get better every time. I’d crack some joke, kiss her sweat-slick skin. And then I’d look her in the eye and tell her that she and Jake were the best things that had ever happened to me.

That moment, that dream, was evaporating before my eyes.

It wouldn’t be fair to tell her now when she had to deal with Misty and all the shit that had gone down. And when I told her how I felt, I wanted it to mean something, to not be tainted by this shit.

So, though my mind screamed at me to do otherwise, I kept quiet.

“You should tell Jake about Misty,” she said, her voice sounding weary, heavy.

“We should. We’ll take him to the park tomorrow and explain,” I said.

I went quiet then, trying to contemplate how I would explain something like death to him. I felt like I had always known it, but Jake hadn’t.

“Do you think he’ll understand?”

“I don’t know,” she said. “We had a neighbor, a kind elderly woman who used to keep him some afternoons when I couldn’t find anyone else. She passed away and I tried to explain it to him. But I don’t know if he really gets it, you know?”

“I know. But we’ll be here to help him through,” I said.

She just nodded and looked at me but didn’t speak. “Okay, so tomorrow. And when he gets older, what are you going to tell him when he asks questions?” she said.

“The truth,” I responded without hesitation.

“And what’s the truth, Sean?” she asked, her voice a tone that I couldn’t quite interpret.

“The truth is his mother made some really bad choices. They ended up with her being dead. But she gave him a wonderful gift, and that’s you,” I said.

“Yeah,” Jess said.

I could hear her sadness, her regret.

And I didn’t know how to fix it.

* * *

Three weeks later

Jess

“It’s time to get ready for bed, Jake,” I called from the kitchen as I cleaned up after dinner.

“Okay, Aunt Jess,” he responded.

Later, as I had every night that he had been alive—except that one that I tried so hard to forget—I tucked Jake in, kissed his forehead, and watched as he fell asleep.

Or tried to.

My tears ran so fast and heavy that I didn’t really see anything.

I just watched him, trying to remember his face, reminding myself that I was doing the right thing.

And then, after a few long moments, I picked up the phone.

“Sean, would you mind stopping by on your way home?” I asked.

“It’ll be late,” he said, speaking loud over the sounds of the boisterous pub. But even over the line, I could hear his concern. He’d only gone back yesterday, and only after I’d twisted his arm.

“I’ll be up,” I responded.

I hung up without waiting for his response, knowing I couldn’t speak.

The last three weeks had been a whirlwind, but were also surprisingly comforting.

We had told Jake about Misty, and though he didn’t understand, at least not fully, he seemed to have accepted it. We’d also had a small service for her, and I had had a few moments alone with her to try to apologize for all that I had done and all that I hadn’t done.

The rest of the time had been spent making sure that Jake was comfortable, happy. I needed to be sure, and now I was.

Staying longer would only be delaying the inevitable, so the time for me to leave had come.

It hurt me to even think about it, but there was nothing else I could do. Most nights, when I closed my eyes, I saw Misty’s empty eyes, the blood on her teeth and lips. I remembered her last words to me.

She’d been right.

This family that I wanted so much, the one that I might even be able to have, was Misty’s. It would never be mine, and I had failed my sister enough. I wouldn’t do more by trying to take her place.

I wasn’t quite sure what I would do or where I’d go, but I’d figure something out. I wanted to stay close. I knew disappearing from Jake’s life altogether wouldn’t be fair. So I’d start slowly, move out, see him a little bit, and then a little bit less, and a little bit less until I was nothing but a memory.

That would be wrenching, but that was what I would give him.

When I heard the gentle knock on the door at around two thirty that morning, I stood and went to it. I walked far slower than I had intended, but I was in no hurry to have this conversation, was in no hurry to see this come to an end. I also couldn’t delay it, and far too soon I reached the door.

“Why aren’t you sleeping?” Sean asked.

I hadn’t been able to, but I decided that was for the best. If I slept here one more night, I didn’t know if I’d be able to leave.

“Not tired,” I said, shaking my head as I pulled the door open to let him in.

I closed it, then stood next to it as Sean turned to face me.

“What’s wrong, Jess?” he asked, again looking serious.

“What makes you think something’s wrong,” I responded.

“Jessica,” he said, his voice low, some of the patience that I had always heard there fading. “Don’t patronize me. You’ve been distant, and I want to know what’s going on.”

“I’m sorry, Sean. I haven’t meant to be, but it’s just been…tough,” I said.

“I know. But I’m here for you,” he said, moving closer and wrapping his arms around my waist.

That he did it so easily, as if it were second nature, only hurt that much more.

“I know you’re here, but you need to take any energy you might put into me toward Jake,” I said.

“Jake gets what he needs. Don’t try to use him as a shield between us.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Sean,” I said.

“You do. You did it before, but things have only gotten worse now. You think I only want you because of Jake?”

“No,” I said. “I don’t think that. I might have hoped it once, but not anymore,” I said.

“Jess, talk to me,” Sean said, tightening his grip on my waist and staring down at me with intent eyes.

“I can’t do this, Sean,” I said.

“Can’t do what?” he asked.

Even though he had asked the question, his expression was one of concern, his eyes still intense but his face cloudy, as if he were bracing for bad news.

“I really appreciate all you’ve done for Jake, and all that you did with me. And for me. The time that I had with you and him, here, has been the best of my life. But it can’t last forever,” I said.

“Why can’t it?”

I thought my heart would break with the question, the way he asked it like it was a possibility, like there was maybe a chance.

“It can’t because this isn’t mine, Sean. Jake isn’t mine. You… You’re not mine,” I said.

He frowned. “That’s bullshit, Jess,” he said.

“I’m sorry you think so, Sean,” I replied sadly.

He looked hurt, but just as quickly that hurt became anger.

“So that’s it, huh? You can’t do this. So you’re out. You’re just gone,” he said.

“Well…I’m planning to leave tomorrow while Jake is at school. He can come and stay with you. Or you can come down here. But he needs to get used to me not being around.”

“Oh, so you just wanna slowly fade out of his life, slip away like you were never even there,” he said.

The way he looked at me now, almost like he hated me burned, but it also gave me the strength to move on.

“That’s the plan,” I said.

“Fuck the plan. You want to leave… Go. Now,” he said, gesturing toward the door, his anger leaving me shaken.

“Sean, I don’t think…”

“Don’t give a shit what you think, Jess. Go,” he said.

Then he looked down, staring at some spot on the floor, doing all he could not to look at me.

I’d thought I was prepared for this, thought that it was an eventuality, but his anger was something I hadn’t expected. And something I didn’t know how to respond to.

“Sean…”

“Good-bye, Jess,” he said.

He still didn’t look at me though, and after a long moment I picked up the duffel bag that contained everything I owned, which wasn’t much at all, and I left.