Jess

I had to give Sean credit. I would have long ago been defeated by the seemingly inexhaustible pile of pieces that made up Jake’s new toy.

But Sean was a trooper. Even now, two hours later, he was still approaching the task with, if not quite zeal, then a relentless determination.

Jake had eaten dinner, gotten changed into his pajamas, and rejoined Sean, mostly hovering and intermittently jumping on Sean’s back, setting off a round of wrestle wars before Sean went back to putting the toy together.

I had done my best to stay out of the way. I’d spent the hours Sean had been here tidying up the place, taking care of a few tasks while Jake was engaged, and mostly thinking about the way our lives had changed. It was hard to believe that all this had happened in such a brief period of time. But, despite how insane this all was, how much the thought of losing Jake hurt me, the scene playing out in my living room felt right.

I hadn’t even allowed myself to imagine this for Jake. It had been a fantasy, and a cruel one. And now it was reality.

Jake had a father, one who seemed intent on being a part of his life, and not just for show.

That made me happy.

It also terrified me.

Even with all the evidence to the contrary, I had somehow thought that maybe Sean would get bored, forget about Jake.

He wouldn’t.

It was a small thing, buying a kid a gift and putting it together, but that wasn’t what had given me that impression.

It would have been easy enough to buy the gift, drop off the box, and then leave, his parental duties more or less discharged.

How many times had Misty done that very thing?

Sean hadn’t. He’d stayed, and more, seemed to take joy in being around the boy.

I also trusted my instincts, and my instincts told me that Sean might try to appear to be easy-breezy and carefree, but that wasn’t the true picture of him, certainly not the whole one.

For better or worse, he was committed to Jake, and I would have to wrap my head around that.

“I finished…”

Sean looked around, and I followed his gaze as it settled on Jake.

The same Jake who had crawled inside the empty box and promptly fallen asleep.

I laughed, and then looked at Sean who met my eyes.

“Please tell me you’re kidding,” he said.

“Nope. He’s asleep,” I said, walking deeper into the living room.

“He really is,” Sean said, looking from me to the box and then back again, his expression disbelieving. “I’ve been at this for hours. I wanted to see his reaction,” he said, his face on the verge of a pout.

I laughed, careful to keep my voice quiet so as not to wake Jake.

“It’ll be here tomorrow,” I said.

Sean grumbled, but the sound was good-natured. Then he stood, and stretched tall.

I did my best not to notice the way his shirt lifted, giving me a peek of the tightness of his abs, or the way his biceps bunched when he stretched his arms.

But I definitely noticed, tried to keep my attention diverted.

“I got him a little training bike once. Took me four hours to put together. He outgrew it in a week and a half,” I said.

I chuckled, and Sean did as well.

“Well, I guess I’ll have to come back so I don’t miss out,” he said.

I could hear the wealth of question in that statement, but I ignored it and instead walked toward Jake.

“It was past his bedtime anyway,” I said, leaning down.

Sean stopped me with a hand on my shoulder.

“Let me,” he said.

I paused for a moment and then nodded and stepped aside.

Then I watched as he bent and scooped Jake out of the box, holding him still so as not to wake him.

He then looked at me and I nodded toward the hall, which led to Jake’s bedroom.

I followed and watched as he put the boy in bed and then pulled the covers up around his ears.

I followed and flipped on the small night-light that Jake vociferously claimed he was too big for but never slept without and then left.

Sean followed and then quietly closed the door. I went back to the living room, Sean behind me.

“So he’s out for the night?” Sean said.

“Yeah. He wakes up sometimes, but usually only when he’s sick,” I said. Sean seemed to be taking the information in and I nodded at him. “Good work, getting him to bed without waking him up. You’re pretty good in fact,” I said.

“Thanks,” he replied.

“You’ve had practice?” I asked.

I wasn’t entirely sure why I had asked the question, but I had a burning curiosity about Sean, and I hadn’t been able to help myself.

“Nope,” he responded.

So apparently he wasn’t going to give me any information easily.

“You ignored what I said earlier,” he whispered.

“What was that?” I asked.

“About coming over again,” he replied.

“Did I ignore you?”

“Jess, don’t,” he said.

“What? Can’t bullshit a bullshitter?” I said.

“You can’t. And I’m not a bullshitter.”

I looked away, embarrassed at both my implied insult of him and my pathetic attempt to deflect.

“Of course you can come over again, Sean,” I finally said.

“Glad I didn’t have to twist your arm,” he said, not quite glaring at me, but clearly displeased.

“I’m sorry,” I said.

He looked at me for a moment and then nodded.

“I get it, Jess,” he said.

He walked closer and was now standing directly in front of me. I kept on my brave face and then looked at him.

“Get what?” I asked, trying to ignore how handsome he was, and my attraction to him.

“You are so stubborn, woman,” he said, shaking his head.

“You’re one to talk,” I responded, smiling but not denying the statement.

“No, I’m not. And I’m going to be involved in Jake’s life. But I get that this is an adjustment for you. It’s an adjustment for me,” he said.

It was strange that the hint of vulnerability in his words crumbled all of the defenses I was hastily trying to build. Or rather, keep built.

When Sean had first asked if he could come over today, I’d had no good reason to deny him, and I was glad that I hadn’t.

Jake had been ecstatic, but even more, this time had given me some insight into him. Sean was going to be involved, which meant I needed to get used to it and come up with how to handle the changes in a way that would protect Jake, and protect me.

And that I even needed protecting was pathetic, but Sean’s statement resonated with me.

I needed to remember that he hadn’t asked for this. In a lot of ways, Sean was a victim of Misty’s irresponsibility. He had been happily going along, doing whatever it was that he did with no thoughts of Jake and certainly not me. It had been thoughtless of Misty not to reach out to Sean before Jake was born, and borderline cruel for her to deliver that kind of news as a ploy to get money. He was just trying to make the best of an awful situation, and I needed to cut him some slack.

I would start now.

“I know this isn’t your fault,” I said, looking at Sean. “And I apologize.”

“For what?” he asked, looking at me confusedly.

It was now evening, so my apartment, which seldom had good light even in the bright day was especially dark.

I walked over to the sofa and flipped on a lamp. One, because it was dark, but mostly because I wanted a little space from Sean. He had been standing closer to me than I’d ever noticed before, and he really was quite handsome. I wasn’t sure how he managed to pull it off, looking both friendly and menacing at the same time, but he did.

I also wasn’t sure what about that combination appealed to me so, but it did.

“What are you sorry for?” Sean asked.

He had followed me to where I stood by the couch, either ignoring or not picking up on the fact that I wanted to put some distance between us.

“What Misty did,” I said.

“Don’t apologize for her,” he said.

His expression before had been heavy, intense, but now I could see that intensity had morphed to something like anger.

“I’m not apologizing for her. Well, not exactly,” I said, correcting.

“And what are you doing?” he asked.

“I’m just telling you that I’m sorry,” I said.

“Sorry that she told me?” he asked, looking at me with an unreadable expression on his face.

“No. I’m not sorry she told you. I’m sorry she waited so long,” I said.

“What do you mean?” he asked.

“You missed out on the first four years of your child’s life. You’re never getting that time back. And Jake’s not either. It was a shitty thing for her to do, and I’m sorry that she did it,” I said.

Sean studied me for a moment, his expression still unreadable, and then a moment later he nodded.

“Thanks, Jess,” he said.

“You’re welcome,” I responded.

We stood in silence for a moment, and I felt an intensity that hadn’t been there before.

“Well, I guess I better start getting this cleaned up,” I said, looking at the pile of shredded paper and tiny plastic bags that the pieces had come in.

“Wait,” he said, reaching out to touch me.

His fingers grazed my wrist, the warmth and strength of his hand making me shiver, the touch anything but unpleasant.

I had twisted so that my body was away from him, but I turned, didn’t break the place where we touched.

Sean didn’t seem intent on breaking that connection either. Instead he kept his fingers on my wrist as he looked at me, his expression considering.

“I know you don’t trust me,” he said.

“I don’t—”

He shook his head and I cut off.

“You don’t have to trust me. In fact, it’s probably good that you don’t. But I want to change that.”

“Sean, that’s not necessary,” I said.

“No, it is necessary. You’re important in Jake’s life, and you provide the stability that he needs. I want you to be comfortable with me so that you can help me get to know my son. Can you do that?” he asked.

How could I possibly say no?

“I can do that,” I whispered.

“Thank you, Jess,” he said.

He dropped my wrist then, and I felt a coldness, an absence without his touch.

“I’ll see you later,” he said.

He left without another word.