Jess

“You ready to go, Jess?”

I’d been so lost in my own world that I hadn’t even heard Sean come into the room. I couldn’t bring myself to look at him, so I stood, my body facing him but my face turned away.

“I guess,” I said, my voice quiet.

That was intentional. I kept my voice low, not wanting to speak too loud. Afraid that if I did, I would lose the tenuous control I had.

“Okay. Let’s leave,” he said.

Sean walked over to me and hooked his arm in my elbow, the movement so natural, something he’d done many times before in these last several weeks.

At first it had been strange, made me tense and suspicious of his motives. Then, that suspicion had melted, become happiness that my heart had almost been unable to contemplate.

And now it left me broken.

Because that touch reminded me of what I’d never have.

Of what I’d caused Sean to lose.

I started walking, my body moving on autopilot while my mind was stuck on the awful truth of this day.

It was a good thing I didn’t look at him. I couldn’t have handled looking at him now.

He kept his hand on my elbow, his strong fingers holding me tight enough for comfort but not tight enough to hurt.

Perfect, like Sean. Like the life he would create with someone who wasn’t me.

When Sean got in, I looked out of the window and didn’t speak as he drove away. I felt almost torn asunder with the rage and the failure that were warring for control.

I was so deep in my thoughts that I didn’t even realize we’d reached his building. I kept my eyes down as Sean got out and walked around the car.

He opened the door and let me out, and when I looked at the building, I burst into tears.

The reaction was swift, sudden, and once the tears had started, I wasn’t able to stop them.

Seeing this building reminded me of the first day I’d seen it. I could remember how shocked I’d been, how certain that it was not the place for Jake.

Remembered how this place had grown to become our home.

“Come on, Jess,” he whispered.

Then he linked his fingers between mine and led me inside. He stopped on the second floor, but I shook my head hard.

“No. I’m sorry. I can’t go in there,” I said, my voice soft, watery through the tears that had clogged my throat.

If I went inside there, all I would see was Jake, the fact that he was missing.

Because of me.

Sean tightened his grip on my hand and moved, leading me up the stairs. He only let me go long enough to unlock the door, and then he pulled me inside.

He moved quickly to relock the door and then turned to look at me.

His eyes were more intense than I’d ever seen them, the usual humor there completely gone.

I wanted to wilt under his gaze but I wouldn’t do that. No, I couldn’t allow myself to do that. Wouldn’t.

Then, to my surprise, Sean leaned forward and kissed me. His lips barely brushed against mine, but that contact was more than enough to calm me. He pulled back and then smiled.

“Jake is fine. He’ll be back home tomorrow. You know Misty wouldn’t hurt him,” he said.

“Of course she wouldn’t,” I snapped.

I went quiet quickly, angry with myself for snapping at Sean when he was only trying to reassure me. But like he did with most everything else, Sean brushed it off and kissed me again.

I melted into his kiss. My emotions were insane, an almost unmanageable thicket of fear that I didn’t want to acknowledge and guilt that was eating me alive. But the one thing that remained clear, untouched by all this madness, was what I felt for Sean.

Knowing that the end I had known was coming was that much closer now only made that feeling stronger. Sean would never forgive me for this. I would never forgive myself. But instead of thinking about that, I tried to focus on the man in front of me, the one who had captured my heart.

I kissed him urgently, my lips rough against his, my hands equally clumsy as I touched him. Sean didn’t miss my frenzy and seemed to match it with a passion of his own. Our coming together was clumsy, lacked its usual ease and finesse, and was all the more devastating for it.

I’d never been as vulnerable as I was in those minutes with Sean, and later, as we lay in his bed, I started to come back to myself. I wanted to shrink away from the emotion of earlier, hide myself so as not to have to look at Sean and see how I had disappointed him.

When I tried to leave, he tightened his arm, holding me in place. I didn’t try to resist, but instead let him hold me.

“I’ll get him back, Jess,” he whispered over and over again, the sound of his voice lulling me to sleep.