Jess

The visit with Sean’s family was a turning point.

After it, the underlying tension and weirdness of the way all this had come about seemed to fade.

As did any attempt from me to pretend that I wasn’t falling for him.

I hadn’t intended to sleep with him the first time or the time after that, but after he’d told me about his mother, our relationship had taken a new and deeper turn. I felt closer to him than I had any other man, and that feeling deepened every day.

We had fallen into a pattern, one that was blissful. Sean had been adamant about me not working night shifts, so I worked breakfast. Sean stayed home in the mornings with Jake and got him off to school. I picked him up in the afternoon, made dinner, which Sean was there for religiously. He stayed home until Jake went to bed, and then he would go to his pub, or stay with me.

It was something that had seemed unfathomable weeks ago, but it was real.

And it was wonderful.

Everything about it was perfect.

Jake was happy, thriving, and getting to experience things that I had only dreamed of for him.

Sean seemed happy, too. He treasured every moment with Jake, even those when the boy had a meltdown or tried to push him and see what he could get away with or tried to play us off each other. But Sean had nipped that in the bud by being the firm but loving hand that Jake needed.

He’d said he knew nothing about kids, but he was doing a damn good job.

I had never even allowed myself to fantasize about this kind of life. It seemed far too out of reach to even contemplate. But through some miracle that I still didn’t understand, it was happening.

Jake had the home I had wanted for him, the father I had wanted for him.

And I had Sean.

Or at least I thought I did.

I wasn’t sure, and I wasn’t brave enough to ask. But I thought I did, thought it even more when he looked at me with eyes that were bright with desire and emotion that seemed to go beyond the physical.

Yes, he loved me like I never had been before, mastering my body in a way that was overwhelming with its thoroughness. But even more, he did other things that showed me he cared.

I’d been faithful about paying him something each month, and he’d been equally faithful in never taking a dime. I’d find the bills I slid under his door scattered around the apartment. A fifty-dollar bill stuffed in one of my shoes, a hundred in the spice rack.

Then, one day, he’d come in with a jar that he’d slammed in the middle of the table.

“We have had a problem, but I think I have the solution,” he’d said.

“And what’s that? The problem, and the solution,” I’d asked.

“You want to give me money. I’m not taking your money, Jess,” he’d said.

“Sean—”

He’d shaken his head and I cut off. “I know, I know. You pay your way. So, in the spirit of compromise, I’ve come up with a solution. Put your money in this jar, and we’ll save it for Jake,” he’d said.

I’d looked at it, then looked at Sean, considering. As was always the case, or usually, with the whole eviction being the exception, Sean hadn’t pushed. I’d appreciated that from him. Liked that he seemed to trust and respect me enough for me to make my own decisions.

And that decision had been a big one.

I appreciated the gesture, but I was also reluctant. As I’d stood there, I’d tried to understand why, but had quickly realized the reason. The jar itself didn’t mean anything. But what I might read into it had had me worried. It would be far too easy to think the gesture said something about what Sean meant to me. I hadn’t been able to entertain that thought. So instead I’d focused on the obvious benefits it would mean for Jake.

“Deal,” I’d said, offering a hand.

“Finally,” he’d said, flashing me a smirk that had told me I’d given in far too easily.

But that was just Sean, and with each day that passed, I found myself more and more enamored with him.

So when he showed up at my restaurant for breakfast just to see me, even though he hated the place, or when I watched him with Jake, patient, kind… It was enough to make me love him. I tried to resist that feeling, fought it with everything I had.

And failed.

And that fucking terrified me.

Sure, I had dated now and then, even after Jake had been born. But that had been a distraction, a way to pass time. This thing with Sean though… My heart had never felt anything like it, and I didn’t know what to do about it. Didn’t know if there was anything I could do about it. Because it seemed that Sean had worked his way into my heart, and I didn’t know if I would ever be able to get him out.

And I had to.

Because as much as I loved this, as much as I wanted it to last, I knew that it wouldn’t.

Sean had never said anything about the future, and I knew it was simply a matter of time until he would.

But until then, I planned to enjoy this to the fullest and live the life that I had always wanted while I could.

I pulled to a stop outside my restaurant. It was a little after five thirty in the morning, so I prepared myself for a busy morning shift. I got out of the car, pausing for a moment to admire it.

I still couldn’t believe I had it. Sean had grumbled about my transportation, and I’d told him in no uncertain terms that he was not to give me one. As he did with most other things, he’d paid me no mind and told me that if I was going to be traveling with his son, I needed reliable transportation.

I’d scoffed, but the very next day, I’d walked out of the loft and found a silver SUV parked next to his, with Sean behind the steering wheel, grinning. It was slightly embarrassing to admit it, but I loved that car. Getting inside never failed to make me think of Sean.

“Nice car, Jess.”

“Oh God!” I screamed and whirled around, looking for the sound, and saw Misty. She smiled at me and shook her head.

“You still startle so easily,” she said.

“And you still sneak up on people. I told you one day someone is going to kick your ass for that,” I said.

Misty laughed, and I did too.

I walked over and hugged her. “You’re up early? Or you haven’t gone to bed?” I asked.

I suspected the answer, but Misty just smiled.

“You’re hard to catch up to these days, so I had to pull out the big guns,” she said.

“Well glad to see you. I’m supposed to be on the clock but let’s go have some coffee,” I said.

She nodded and I went in quickly and dropped off my belongings, let the manager know that I’d be back, and less than two minutes later met Misty outside.

“It’s not quite the number 43 bus,” Misty said, nodding at the car.

“Yeah,” I said, frowning. “Sean’s idea.”

“Why did he give it to you?” she asked as we walked down the block toward the twenty-four-hour coffee shop on the next corner.

“He said it was for Jake, so I wouldn’t have to take him to school and pick him up on the bus,” I said.

“Smart,” she responded.

“Yeah, I guess,” I said as I slid into the booth across from her.

“What is it, Jess?” Misty said, looking at me with that smile that told me I was in for a lecture.

“It’s nothing. He’s been very nice, but you know how I am,” I said.

“Yeah. The noble saint Jess who won’t take anything from anyone,” she whispered.

“It’s not noble. I just don’t like being beholden,” I said.

“Yeah, I guess, but sometimes you have to take help. Sean’s offering it, so take it and be happy,” Misty said.

I watched her as she poured cream and sugar into the coffee that the waitress had dropped off and then slid the cup across the table. I took a sip, smiled. “Perfect. No one has ever been able to make this quite like you do,” I said.

She fixed her own cup and then took a sip. “What can I say, Jess? I have the touch,” she said.

I laughed and then we sipped the coffee. “What’s going on, Misty?” I asked.

“What do you mean?” she said.

“It’s just… I haven’t seen you in a while. And that’s not like you.”

“Oh you know how it is. Me and Walker are going pretty hot and heavy. I think this might be something,” she said.

I kept the frown off my face but inside, I was chilled. I’d never had a good feeling about Walker. He’d always put me on edge, and I’d hoped he wouldn’t last long. That hope seemed distant, but I had no right to try to tell her how to live her life. So I put my own trepidation aside and nodded at her. “Good.”

“I know that face, Jess,” she said.

“What face?” I asked, feigning innocence.

“That one,” she said, pointing at me. “I know Walker’s not your favorite.”

“Misty, if he makes you happy, then he makes me happy,” I said, almost choking on the words.

She laughed, and I joined in.

“He’s not bad, and I like him,” she said.

“Good,” I responded.

“How’s Jake?” she asked.

“He’s doing wonderful! He’s starting to read, and he is over the moon about Sean,” I said.

“Good.” She went quiet, looked somewhat thoughtful and reflective. Then she looked at me. “Don’t you think that’s weird?” she said.

“What?” I asked.

“He’s my son, and I don’t know anything about him,” she said.

“Of course you do, Misty. You know everything about him,” I said, wanting Misty to feel good about herself even if that wasn’t entirely the truth.

She shook her head. “It’s nice of you to say that, Jess. It’s nice of you to do everything that you do. But there’s no need to lie,” she said.

“I’m not lying. You’re the most important person in Jake’s life,” I said, wanting that to be true even if it would hurt me. “You’re his mother.”

“Whatever you say, Jess,” she said.

She swallowed the last of her coffee and then stood. “I know you gotta get to work, so I’ll let you go,” she said.

I stood and hugged her.

“It’s good to see you. Let me know when you’ll be around again and I’ll bring Jake.”

“Okay,” she said.

Then she left, walking in the opposite direction from me.

I made my way back to the restaurant, not going especially fast, thinking about this visit. That happened sometimes, where Misty would drop out for a couple weeks. But she always came back. I didn’t expect this to be any different. And maybe now that Sean was around she would feel better about being more involved.

I always tried to encourage her to connect more with Jake, spend more time with him, but my words fell on deaf ears. Sometimes, every couple of months or so, we would have this kind of conversation and Misty would seem to regret the state of things, make up her mind to do better.

I hoped it stuck this time.

All I wanted for Jake was for him to have both of his parents, and I was convinced that Sean would always be there for him. If I could get Misty to do the same, everything would be okay.

And leave me out in the cold.

But that was fine as long as Jake had the family he deserved.

I worked my shift, somewhat distracted by the visit from Misty. Late that morning, as I prepared to leave, I checked my cell phone and saw that I had a text.

Park tomorrow with Jake?

I smiled, feeling relief that Misty had reached out to me so soon.

3 o’clock?

Yeah.

I put away my phone and got into the car. Things were looking up.

Misty was coming around and Jake already had Sean, exactly as I had wanted.

What I still wanted, even though in the end, it would break my heart.

* * *

Sean

“Are you out of here, Sean?” Grace asked as she wiped down the bar top.

“Yeah, is that okay?” I said.

“Yeah, it is. See you tomorrow,” she said.

I’d been leaving the pub to her more and more, my desire to spend time with Jake and Jess overriding everything else.

“Grace…” I trailed off and looked at her and she paused, her expression now a little concerned.

“What is it?” she asked.

“I…” This was difficult for me to say, and I was stumbling over my words. Grace, however, looked at me quiet, expectantly.

“I wanted to thank you. For being here for me,” I said.

She smiled. “Sean, you’ve done more for me than anyone in my life. I couldn’t begin to repay you. So think nothing of it,” she said.

I’d done nothing but help out a good person who needed a hand. Nothing to cheer me for, but Grace always did. I nodded, but Grace didn’t move. Instead she looked at me, her expression telling me that she had something else on her mind.

“What is it?” I asked.

“Have you told Jess how you feel about her?” she asked.

I stared at her for a moment, my first instinct to make a joke to deflect. In the end, I stayed silent, looked at her with a rueful smile.

“Am I that obvious?” I asked.

She nodded, one corner of her mouth lifting.

“I have no idea what to do, Grace,” I said.

“You’re a smart guy. You’ll figure it out. And besides, things seem to be working okay,” she said.

“Better than okay,” I said.

And it was. My life had never been better than it was with Jess and Jake. Each day, our relationship grew, and we became the family I didn’t even know I’d wanted but that I needed and now couldn’t live without.

“I think she agrees, but you might want to tell her just to be sure,” she said.

I chuckled. “Thanks for the input, Grace,” I said.

She gave a slight shrug. “Anytime,” she responded. “Now get out of here. I need to finish my bread before we open for the night.”

I smiled as Grace shooed me away, anxious to see my family.

* * *

Jess

“Are you ready to go to the park?” I asked Jake the next day.

“Uh-huh,” he said, though he barely looked up from the kid’s tablet Sean had given him.

“Then put away your toys and put on your shoes,” I said.

He made no attempt to move, and I cleared my throat. “Jake,” I said in a warning tone.

He moved, slowly, but he eventually complied. I was as reluctant as Jake, probably more so. I had encouraged Misty to do this, but for some reason, I was filled with dread.

I couldn’t put my finger on why. Or rather, I didn’t want to.

Nothing would make me happier than Misty taking an active role in Jake’s life. But that small part of me that coveted Jake, the life he and Sean and I seemed to be building, didn’t want the intrusion. Without it, I could pretend this was real, that it would last. Misty coming back into the picture would give lie to that.

But it wasn’t real. It wouldn’t last. And I needed to accept it.

I helped Jake with his jacket and then we left the apartment.

“You want to walk?” I asked.

Jake nodded and we began to walk down the street, him jabbering about everything and nothing.

I was happy that he was content enough to entertain himself. My own thoughts were such a mess that I didn’t think I’d be able to focus.

I needed to get this under control, but I didn’t know how I could do that.

If I could do that.

I’d warned myself to keep my distance. Had promised that I wouldn’t let this go too far.

It had gone too far.

Sean was so much more than he seemed, so much more than I ever would have imagined. Each day brought a different side of him, one that was more fascinating, more irresistible than the others. I tried to labor under the illusion that I appreciated how quickly he had taken to Jake, how much he had thrown himself into being a good parent, giving Jake the family that I had always dreamed of him having.

But it wasn’t just that.

He was funny and kind and strong and generous, but also tough and gentle. Not perfect, but good.

Good seemed such a small, simple word for Sean Murphy, but it was the perfect fit. Even with his “business,” something I tried not to dwell on lest I get too alarmed, Sean was one of the best people I’d ever met.

The same was true of his family.

His brothers, especially Michael, were intense. But they were close-knit, would give Jake the kind of support that he deserved.

It wasn’t ideal but it was everything I’d wanted for him.

And I had no idea where that left me.

Right now, it was easy. I could say that I was helping Jake adjust, that it was unfair to take him away from the only people he knew without some kind of backup.

And though my mind constantly told me that, my heart had gotten way too caught up.

It was so easy to imagine that this was real, that this was my life, my family.

Our lives had a rhythm, a pattern, one of family members that cared for each other and always would.

But it wasn’t real.

I loved Jake as much as I ever had anyone, loved him as much as I would a child I had given birth to.

But he wasn’t mine.

His father wasn’t mine either.

And soon enough, Sean would grow tired of this.

Of me.

I had no doubt that Jake would always be a part of his life, but I certainly wouldn’t.

I tried to remind myself of that all the time, tried to keep my focus, keep my brain from letting my heart get ahead of itself.

Despite my best efforts, there was no way I could stop it, but I knew there was no future. I was only setting myself up for inevitable hurt, and I would have to live with the consequences.

They would break me.

Losing Jake would be tough, but I’d always have those memories. Sean wouldn’t force me out completely, so I’d get to be near, see him grow up, and remember how close we used to be.

But I didn’t have that with Sean.

When Sean felt confident enough with Jake, or, more likely, lost his patience with me, I would have to move on.

Even the thought made my chest ache. But I would survive. I had no choice.

When we got to the park, Jake said, “Can I get on the slide?”

I laughed, nodded, and watched as he ran toward his favorite place in the park. That single-minded focus reminded me of Sean in a lot of ways.

I sat on the bench closest to the slide and watched Jake, glancing at my watch occasionally as the minutes ticked by.

I was glad I hadn’t told Jake that Misty would be coming. I hated having to explain when she didn’t show up, and I didn’t want anything to ruin his good day.

When a shadow fell over me I turned, plastered a welcoming smile on my face.

A smile that dropped in an instant when I glimpsed the blue uniform.