Sean

A few days later, I took a moment to center myself, searching for the calm and focus necessary to complete my task.

I moved slowly, taking each step with a deliberate, yet tentative pace.

And as I walked, trying to move as silently as I could, I studied the items across from me. I focused on them like a laser, my mind taking in every aspect, processing, and then trying to interpret what I saw.

It really shouldn’t have been this difficult.

I had been in my share of scrapes, ones that had meant life or death, and even they hadn’t required this level of attention. But now, I feared I was close to being outmatched.

“You need a hand?”

I turned at the sound of the feminine voice and looked over to meet a pair of friendly blue eyes.

I sighed, allowing myself to breathe just a little and then nodded quickly. “How could you tell?” I asked.

“Just something I’ve picked up over the years. Your first time in a toy store, I take it?” she asked.

Again I nodded, and this time I looked away from the salesclerk to the rest of the store.

It was abuzz with activity, kids screaming and laughing, harried-looking parents trying to usher them from place to place.

It was a riot of color and noise, and I could barely comprehend it.

Yeah, I wasn’t embarrassed to admit that. I came from a notorious crime family that had done things that I didn’t like to think about or talk about, and had managed them all with aplomb.

But a toy store…

“So, are you looking for anything in particular?” the clerk asked.

When I met her eyes again, I saw that the friendliness had become something a little bit more. She let her gaze drop, no doubt checking out my ring finger, before she looked at me again, leaned in slightly.

On instinct, I gave her a once-over, but then stepped back.

Two weeks ago, I definitely would have taken her up on her silent offer. But now, I wasn’t interested. I told myself it was because I was doing this for Jake and didn’t want to be distracted, but in truth, as attractive as the salesclerk was, and she was, in a way that was both wholesome and sex kitten, she did nothing for me.

Instead, I instantly compared her to Jess and knew that even if I took her up on her offer, I would leave the encounter wanting.

Jess was the only one that could scratch my particular itch, so I wouldn’t waste the clerk’s time or mine.

She still looked at me expectantly, and I took another step back. She got the hint, and gave me a quick smile that told me there were no hard feelings. In the next breath, she was all business.

“So what are you looking for?” she asked.

“A toy,” I responded.

She laughed, her eyes crinkling at the edges. “For what age? An activity toy or educational?”

I didn’t know the answer to that question. I hadn’t even considered it. In fact, I’d had no intentions of coming here. Last night, I had called Jess and told her I wanted to see Jake, and to my surprise and relief she had readily agreed.

On my way over to her place, I’d been struck by the brilliant idea of bringing Jake a toy. I wasn’t trying to bribe him, well, not exactly, but I would do what it took to get in his good graces, and a toy seemed like a good place to start.

Of course, I knew fuck all about toys, which was how I found myself in my current predicament.

“I’m not sure. I guess educational would be good. But activities are good too,” I added hastily.

The clerk looked at me with a patient smile on her face, and I wondered how often she encountered this, buffoonish fathers who were clueless about what to give to their children.

I didn’t like that.

I might seem carefree and easygoing, but when shit mattered, I gave it my all. And Jake mattered.

“Would you come this way?” the clerk asked.

I nodded and then followed as she walked down one of the seemingly endless aisles and rounded the corner.

I tried to remember coming to a place like this when I was a kid, but the very thought was a joke. I was sure I’d had toys. If nothing else, I would have gotten leftovers from Michael or Declan, and maybe my mother had even bought me some herself. But I certainly didn’t remember them, and I certainly didn’t remember coming to this kind of place.

“What about something like this?” the clerk asked.

She pointed at the box, and I grabbed it and studied it.

As I held it she pointed out the different features.

“It’s a building set that includes letters and numbers, so it incorporates education, and the building element will allow your son or daughter…?” She paused and looked at me expectantly.

“Son,” I said.

“Your son can practice dexterity and spatial manipulation. How old is he?” she asked.

“Four,” I responded.

She nodded. “Depending on how advanced he is, he might not enjoy this for too long, but he should get some good use out of it. All the kids I’ve seen get one have loved it,” she said.

“I’ll take it,” I responded.

“Follow me,” she said.

She took the box from my hands and then led me to the register.

“That’ll be four hundred thirty-two dollars,” she said after she rang it up.

I peeled off the bills and then watched as she meticulously wrapped the box and then shoved it into an enormous bag.

“This isn’t a bad racket,” I said as she handed me the bag.

“It’s all right,” she responded with a wink. “Have a nice day, sir. I hope your son enjoys it.”

“Thanks,” I said, nodding at her as I left.

I hoped he would like it too, but as I drove closer and closer to Jess’s apartment, I started to wonder.

I wasn’t sure where I stood with Jake, and that feeling left me insecure and uncomfortable. I knew that it was early yet. Barely even two weeks since Misty had dropped him off at the bar. But it was hard to be patient in this.

I hadn’t even had an inkling of his existence two weeks ago, but now having him in my life meant everything to me. I was determined to make the best of it and determined to be the best possible father I could be.

And I wasn’t sure if I was making any headway.

Jake seemed to like me, but I wasn’t sure how much stock I could put in that, and I wasn’t even really sure what it meant. The bottom line was I was treading in completely uncharted waters and had no clue how to make it through to the other side.

I would make it through, but I didn’t know how long it would take. But I wouldn’t give up.

I parked and walked to Jess’s apartment, trying to keep the frown off my face.

She did the best she could, but this was not an ideal place to raise Jake, certainly not one that I would have chosen for them and not one that I could accept. I planned to broach the topic of her living situation, but now wasn’t the time. She wouldn’t be receptive, and given how new this was, I would continue to tread lightly for now.

I sort of wished I was more like Michael and would just elbow my way through to get what I wanted, but with Jess as stubborn as she was, being pushy would get me nowhere.

So I would break out the honey.

I made my way upstairs, taking note of the unlocked door to enter the building. And when I stopped in front of Jess’s apartment, I took note of the equally flimsy door and the cheap lock.

If nothing else, the landlord should have been ashamed of himself. It wouldn’t even take a particularly strong kick to cave that entire door in.

I knocked, my annoyance increasing when I heard how hollow the door was.

I heard the rush of small feet that could only have been Jake, and a second later Jess’s muffled voice.

“Hold on a minute. You have to check to see who’s there first, remember?” she said.

Then I heard silence, and what sounded like hands pressing against the door.

“Now ask, ‘Who is it,’” she said.

“Who is it?” Jake called, mimicking Jess.

“It’s Sean,” I said, smiling despite myself.

A second later I heard the locks disengage and then the door creaked open.

I spotted Jess in the background, but looked down to see Jake beaming up at me.

“Sean!” he said.

“Hey, buddy,” I replied as I walked into the place.

I dropped the bag and then picked Jake up with one arm.

“You’re answering the door, huh?” I said as I shifted him from arm to arm, which drew a series of delighted giggles.

“Yep. Aunt Jess let me,” he said.

At the mention of her name, I looked at Jess as she closed and locked the door and then quickly looked at the bag that I had brought in.

Seeing Jake had made me forget about it completely, but I put him down and then pointed toward it.

“I brought you something,” I said.

“Oh boy!” Jake cried as he rushed toward the bag.

Jess kneeled down next to him and I followed suit and we watched as he ripped the paper off.

“Is it my birthday?” he asked Jess in a little break from tearing the paper.

“No. You know your birthday is next month,” she said.

“Am I gonna get a present for my birthday?” he asked, turning to look at me.

“Of course,” I responded.

“If you’re a good boy,” Jess added.

“Yeah, if you’re good,” I added quickly.

The parenting books that I had been mainlining like heroin said that it was important to create boundaries and structure for children. As much as I wanted to be involved, I knew that Jess had been responsible for Jake’s discipline, and I wouldn’t do anything to try to undermine her.

Jake went back to pulling the paper off the box, and Jess nodded at me and then returned to watching him.

“They used a lot of tape, huh?” I said.

“Seems that way,” Jess responded.

“You need a hand, buddy?” I asked.

“No, I got it,” Jake said.

I could see how intent he was on opening the box, so I stayed out of the way and watched as he tore at the paper. He worked quite hard to remove it, and I watched, not sure that I had ever been more engaged by anything.

He eventually got it off, and when he looked at the box he exploded.

“Oh wow! Cody got one of these. He won’t let us play with it, though,” Jake said.

“But that’s not nice, and you’re going to share, right?” Jess said.

“Yes,” Jake responded, though he was clearly distracted.

“And what do you say?” she said.

Jake dropped the box and then looked at me. “Thanks, Sean!” he said.

“You’re welcome, buddy,” I said, raising my hand to give him a high five.

He went for the box again but Jess put a staying hand on his shoulder.

“Let me open it for you so you don’t rip the box, sweetie,” she said.

Then she quickly pulled the box open and dumped the contents on the floor.

I stared at the pile, agog, certain there had to be a million pieces.

Jess looked at me, then smiled.

“Why don’t you and Sean put this together,” she said.

“Yay!” Jake yelled.

Jess looked at me, smiled, and then walked to the kitchen. I looked from Jake, who stared at me, his face bright with happiness, back to Jess.

And knew that I had just gotten rolled.

I laughed and started shifting through the pieces.