Chapter 14
Blake
I had finally arrived at the day. This was the day I was going to change my life. I looked myself in the mirror and called myself a coward. I was a bull rider. That’s what I did for a living. It had brought me plenty of money up until now and if it weren’t for my weakness, these cursed panic attacks, I’d still be out there. I was making excuses; I knew the industry had bad parts to it. But I would be better changing it from within then from without.
Jill and I had settled into a routine. She cooked the meals, cleaned the house, did the laundry and shopping, and was there for me to talk to when I was in the mood. In return, she had a roof over her head, plenty to eat, a vehicle to drive, an allowance of sorts, and the privacy to entertain whomever she wanted as long as they stayed in her wing of the house. I thought that was a pretty good arrangement. My wing of the house stayed empty, except for me.
I was torn between decisions. On one hand I wanted to know where Silver was and what she was doing, who she was with. On the other hand, I wanted to give her privacy, and hope that one day she would change your mind and come back to me. I didn’t want to hold out too much hope for the latter, but that’s where my heart was.
I spent a few days getting used to riding again. I suppose it’s like a bicycle; you never truly forget, but the muscles certainly did get sore. Of course riding my horse was nothing compared to a bull, but I had to begin somewhere. It felt good to be out in the fresh air again. Most of all, it felt good to not feel sorry for myself.
I set up an appointment with a therapist; someone who supposedly had a good deal of experience treating anxiety disorders. Her name was Dr. Drew, and although I held out great hope that she could help me, I was a bit doubtful. I had never been to counseling before; this was a totally new experience. I had never been someone who could pour out their troubles to a stranger. I was taught to keep my business to myself. She pushed me to talk and eventually the words came pouring out. I told her about my childhood, just like they say in the stories. She made no comment; just sat there quietly taking notes and nodding from time to time. At times, I felt hideou,; as though I was a freak, something sick. But eventually I grew accustomed to it and eventually she began to help me.
I understood that part of the therapy was to put myself in a situation that produced anxiety on a gradual basis. Riding the horse on my ranch hadn’t bothered me in the least. I knew the time had come to go back to the arena. I hung around with the old guys, heard their comments, re-earned their respect. It wouldn’t be easy; they saw me as somewhat of a traitor at this point. But my self-esteem in the future depended on being accepted again. In order to become a bull rider, I needed to be allowed on a bull. It was a pretty simple concept, I knew.
I took some heckling, but I expected that. The management wasn’t terribly happy with me after the deal with Chaos, and I couldn’t blame them, either. I was called into the office and asked just exactly how ready I was to come back.
I knew they would have their doubts. It was a very closed society: not open to newcomers and not open to traitors. They had to know where I stood. I told them what they wanted to hear and I started out in a clown costume for the first couple events. It was hard on me to do this, to take a lowly job when I had been the king. But I was getting used to being around the animals again and I could remember a time when I was a kid and not a king. Kingdoms come with a price.
I overcame my pride quickly. Pride couldn’t pay the bills and couldn’t restore my sense of worth. I had to do that for myself. It wasn’t long before I was ready to ride the bulls; the only question was when would I take the test? The guys were getting ready to go on the circuit in the near future and I decided I would go with them. I’d rather test myself on the road, than at home.
For the first time in my life, I began a regimen of healthy activities. I had stopped drinking entirely and there wasn’t a cigarette in the place. I got up each morning and jogged five miles and then came back to do a hundred laps in the pool. I dragged Jill with me down to the grocery and made her pick out healthy foods, as she called them. I put her in charge of cooking and she agreed, as long as I promised to stay out of the kitchen. It meant no more chips, no more sub sandwiches, and no more midnight bowls of cereal. It was hell, but I was up to it. I really had no choice. I was surprised that I actually began to feel human again. I slept well despite the fact that my bed was empty. I didn’t make the mistake of bringing anyone home. Even though she didn’t want it, that place belonged to Silver.
I ended up dropping about twenty pounds and I could actually run my five miles without stopping to cough every twenty yards. Jill tried to start me on some shit called yoga, and while I fought her, I eventually gave in, if only to get her to shut up. It wasn’t half bad and actually made me feel pretty limber. It felt good to stretch out those sore muscles. I knew there were a lot sorer muscles in my future.
We left on the circuit, pulling out early one morning while the fog was still thick upon the pastures. I watched the ranch drop away in my rearview mirror and Jill was standing on the front porch, waving goodbye. I was a little nervous about leaving her all alone. She did have a tendency to party hardy and I hoped that my place was still in one piece when I got back. I had taken the precaution of locking away the firearms and the cash I kept on hand. It wasn’t that I didn’t trust her; it was her friends I was worried about.
I joined the caravan of vehicles as we headed north. Some of the guys rode together, but I preferred to be alone. It gave me time to think about things, even if they weren’t always happy things. I took a sip of my decaf coffee, rolled down the window, and dumped it out on the street. There was only so far I was willing to go.
The first event was in Kansas City. I could feel the nerves building up inside, but I told myself I had been there a thousand times and this was no different from the others. I was scheduled for a young bull; he was a little wild but not the biggest thing I’d ridden. I was riding fifth that afternoon and I watched the first three guys lose their seat in the dust. Rider number four managed to stay aboard but just barely.
Then came my turn. The announcer took his time introducing me. It wasn’t every day that the number one rider lost his nerve and attempted to come back. I wasn’t fooling anyone. The fans in the stands had bought tickets just to see me fail again. I couldn’t let them get to me; I had a job to do in my life depended on it.
I straddled the fence as a bar brought my ride into the pen I felt the sudden calm come over me. I knew where I was: I was home.
The strangest thing happened then. The animal seemed to sense my calm and he settled down. I could see the handlers look at one another, as though they were questioning whether they should prod him. I muttered in a low voice, “Leave him the hell alone. He’s mine.” One of the handlers nodded; he knew better than to cross me at that moment.
I lowered myself down onto his back and wrapped the reins around my hand. They felt good and solid and I was in full control. The gate opened and he was loose. He did what he was supposed to do, he knew his job. I knew mine as well. I stuck to him past the buzzer and well beyond. I think I could’ve stuck to him all day. I finally had enough, so I threw up my hands, slid my leg over his back and dropped to the dirt. He seemed almost anxious to be rid of me, trotting off on his own.
There was a noise I hadn’t heard in a very long time. It was the sound of the crowd cheering; they were on their feet and there was wild applause. I dusted my chaps, picked up my hat, and with one hand, signaled my gratitude to the crowd as I left the ring. Outside of the spotlights I made my way to the barns. I felt jubilant inside. There was no longer any anxiety; I was back!
Chapter 15
Meli
Business was brisk. We were generally standing room only as people waited for a table. My graphic designer had become more of a publicist and she did her job well. There were reviews in all the local papers and her social media campaign had generated a tremendous interest. It was the time of year when people thought about comfort food, as autumn had brought cooler temperatures. We couldn’t seem to bake enough pumpkin pie and apple crumb cake. I had ordered a unique blend of coffee, and we opened a tiny gift shop at the front of the restaurant people could buy bags to take home. I ran a contest for the best barbecue sauce; the winner not only won $5000, but the opportunity to distribute their product through us exclusively. It was marketed as Maudie’s BBQ and the jars carried the same logo and color palette as did our restaurants. I had remodeled the original restaurant to match the newer one, and felt a certain pride as I began to look for a location for the third. There didn’t seem to be any stopping me.
Sarah was working daily with Kirk, teaching him to read and to write the alphabet. He was smart as a whip and could already read books at the age of 3 ½. Where had the time gone? It seemed like only yesterday that I had lain in bed with Blake and he had given me this precious child.
I had been following him, which wasn’t exactly difficult to do as his name was splattered over every sports program on the television. Blake had made his comeback. I felt a certain amount of pride at this, believing that I had had something to do with it. I knew he had it in him to be a success, and I knew he needed to stay in his field of expertise. It was where he belonged. In choosing a third restaurant, I had considered going in the direction of Dallas. It was difficult to trust my instincts; did I want to go that direction because it was a good business decision or because I wanted to be closer to him? Could it be both?
It was a Monday morning. Sarah and Kirk were going to visit preschools that day. We had agreed that they would narrow the selection down to three or four and then I would go along and visit before we would choose the right one. I wanted Kirk to begin school early, not only because he was very bright, but because he was an only child and he needed to socialize with other children his age. As they left, I climbed into the car and headed back to the original Maudie’s Café. I hadn’t checked in there for a long time and I was anxious to visit with Marie.
I pulled into the small town and while it was still cool that morning, there was a small group of people waiting outside the café for seating. I had given some thought to enlarging both cafés to accommodate more seating, but instincts told me that when I did that, it would be less desirable to diners and my customer base would decrease. People wanted what they could not have. That was a simple life lesson that I had learned over and over again.
I went inside the café and Marie was busy seating customers and pouring coffee as she oversaw the remainder of the staff. What a different sight this was from the days when Maudie owned it. It saddened me a bit to see that it had lost her personality, but the recipes remained the same and the decor still included pictures of Maudie and the many celebrities who had stopped by over the years. There was an ambience, one that invited people to come in and be a part of the family. It was important that I never lost that, or to modernized Maudie in any way.
I helped out in the café until the breakfast crowd died down and then Marie and I stole a few moments to chat at the table in the corner by ourselves.
“Marie, you’ve been doing a wonderful job,” I told her. “The numbers are up, we have a smaller turnaround with employees, and everything here is clean and attractive. I’m going to give you a substantial raise; you’ve earned it.”
“My dear Meli, your words are like honey dripping over my heart. But what I do is what I do and you do not pay me more for that. I am more concerned about how you were doing my dear.”
“Things are pretty much the same, Marie. Kirk is growing quickly. He and Sarah are out looking for a pre- school today.”
“And the father?” Marie’s eyes were sympathetic but direct.
“What about him?” I asked her, becoming suddenly a bit uncomfortable in my seat.
“Does he know about Kirk?” she asked me.
“No, he doesn’t. I have only seen him one time and it tore my heart to not tell him. But Marie, if I told him, he would come and want Kirk to be with him. I could not bear to lose my child.”
“I understand this, sweet lady, but he does have the right to see his own child.”
“I know.”
“Meli, there must come a time in the near future when you look to marry. It is not natural to spend your life alone. Kirk could use a father. Is not his own father the best choice?”
“Yes, he would make an excellent father, actually. I’m just afraid of losing Kirk.”
“Would it be so bad to live with him and Kirk and be a real family?”
“I thought about this many times. I’m not good enough for him, Marie. He is very successful, and has just made a comeback in his career.”
“He is the bull rider,” Marie said quietly.
“How did you know?” I asked, my eyes flaring.
“I told you before, my dear. I have ways of seeing things that others do not. I have known you some time now, and I have seen the things that you respond to. There would be no reason for you to watch rodeos, unless he was in it. It was a simple matter of deduction to figure out who he was. After all, Kirk looks just like him.”
I sat there in stunned silence. If Marie knew this, how many other people could figure it out? How many other people would bother to figure out? More to the point, how long before Kirk figured it out? “What do you think I should do?” I asked Marie.
“I think that Kirk should meet his father. One way or another you will have to confront this at some point, and it is better to do so while Kirk is still a young child and able to forget the years of being without his father.”
She made tremendously good sense, I couldn’t deny her that. Perhaps I was looking at this all wrong. Perhaps I was making a judgment call on Blake’s behalf and perhaps it wasn’t anything close to what he really thought. Perhaps it had come time that I needed to find out.
I patted the back of Marie’s hand and nodded. “You’re getting the raise whether you want it or not,” I told her. “I’m leaving now and heading back to Baton Rouge. I’m anxious to hear about the preschools they found. As I said, you’re doing a wonderful job, and I’m so very proud of you.”
With that, I gave her a hug and left for home. I thought long and hard about her words as I drove back to Baton Rouge. There was considerable common sense in what she said, and common sense has always been my driving force.
I pulled onto my street and up to the house. Although there were bushes in the way, I could see that there was someone sitting on my front porch. I frowned, as I was a very private person. I pulled into my drive, shut the car off, and emerged. As I walked toward the house, the figure stirred, stood up, and was no longer obscured by the mulberry bushes that lined the porch.
It was Blake.
My breath caught in my throat. I stood there, looking at him for a very long time. Eventually, his arms opened outward and without a word I ran toward him and he wrapped me tightly against his chest. That was when I knew what it felt like to be home.
“How did you find me?” I asked him, pointing to a chair as I brewed us a cup of coffee.
“How could I not? Your name is everywhere. There are magazine articles about you, I’ve seen advertising online about you, and from what I hear, you’re doing pretty well for yourself.”
“I didn’t start it, Blake. It was an inheritance.”
“Really?”
“When I left you, I found a waitress job at a small café in a little town north of here. The owner’s name was Maudie and she took me in and treated me like her own daughter. When Maudie died, she left me everything you see here,” I held out my arms to indicate the house, “as well as the café where I had worked. She also left me a considerable sum of money, enough that I couldn’t allow it to simply lie in the bank. So I built a second location, here in town. It’s doing rather well, and I was planning to open the third very soon.”
“I always knew you had it in you, Silver. There’s very little you can’t accomplish when you set your mind to it. You taught me that lesson, and it saved my ass.”
“I see you had a comeback. I’m really proud of you,” I told him.
“You are my inspiration, you know,” he shared.
Me?” I asked.
“Yes, you. You know how I feel about you. You know I want you to come home with me.”
“It’s rather odd timing, as a matter of fact,” I told him. “I just returned from visiting the original café and my friend there, Marie, urged me to reconnect with you.”
“My thanks go out to Marie, whomever she is. What about the other guy?”
I swallowed hard. This was a pivotal point in our relationship. If I lied now, he could never trust me. If I told him the truth, I wasn’t ready for what might happen. I felt like I wanted more time to think about it. However, fate had a different plan in mind. At that moment, the front door opened and Kirk and Sarah came up to the house. Kirk ran toward me and leapt into my arms. “Mommy, you won’t believe all the cool things I saw,” he said excitedly.
“That’s wonderful, sweetheart.” I held Kirk against me tightly, afraid to put him down on the floor again.
Blake cleared his throat audibly. The moment had finally come. “Sarah, would you take Kirk upstairs, wash his face and hands, and have him lie down and take a nap please?”
Sarah nodded, took Kirk by the hand, and the pair left the room.
I turned to look at Blake. His face was ashen white. “He’s mine, isn’t he?”
I nodded.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” he asked in a raw voice.
“I was scared you would take him away from me,” I told him honestly.
“Silver, I would never take our child away from you. But I should’ve been there; I should’ve been with you through that. You should’ve let me know, I have the right!” I could see a bit of anger on his face and I really couldn’t blame him.
“I know, I know. I know I should’ve told you. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it, Blake. He is all that I have in the world.”
“No, Silver, you are so wrong. You’ve always had me.” With that he crossed the room and pulled me to my feet. Lifting my chin, he bent slowly, looking directly into my eyes as he did so. He kissed me then, but it was more than a kiss. It felt more as though I was being claimed. I had forgotten the warmth of his lips, but I had not forgotten him. I breathed in his air, savoring it as one would a plate of fresh cinnamon rolls on a cold winter morning. He felt like home to me. Tears began to cascade down my cheeks, and I owed him an apology. “I’m so, so sorry, Blake.”
“Hush, Silver. It’s okay. I’m here now. I want you. I want our son.”