CHAPTER 33
Elsa
I could feel that something heavy was in the air. We drove into a tiny little town that he told me was in Arizona. I knew that it was close to the Grand Canyon, but I also assumed that the last woman that he wanted to speak to was here as well. There was something worse about this visit that he wasn’t telling me and I gave him a long look as we pulled into a hotel parking lot. It was a smaller yellow building and very sweet looking. I got out of the car with him, if only to hold his hand. I didn’t want to be away from him in case the cold facade that he put on crumbled around him.
It had to. I couldn’t take this for much longer.
Aidan did the same thing that he’d done at every other hotel, but he was tense as the clerk gave him a card for the room. Aidan looked down, and I swore that he sighed as he saw the number and took his credit card before he slid it into his wallet. We walked to the car and got our bags just as we always did. I looked around and thought to myself how pretty this little town was. I wondered what it meant to him.
The day was quiet as he unlocked the door and pushed it open for me. I knew inside of my heart that Aidan had partly chosen this place for me even though it was plain to see that he’d been here before. The bed had a sweet canopy in soft white lace that hung down around every corner. The covers were floral in shades of pink and purple and a soft green and I kept looking around to see a nice table and a door that led outside. There was a door that was open, and I walked inside to see a big bathroom with a large circular bathtub in the center.
It looked so pretty and fancy, and I felt again that he tried to please me even when he was so lost in himself. I took some clothes into the bathroom and washed up before I pulled on the soft jeans and light purple button up shirt. I felt that we were going somewhere by the way that he was perched on the edge of the bed and changing channels every few seconds as he tapped his foot. “Can you take a walk with me?” I nodded. We left and went to the car as I wondered where we were going to go walking as he opened my door.
“The train station is nearby. I thought we’d take it to the Grand Canyon so you could enjoy the view. Take a break from driving so much. It’s a couple of hours by train.” I nodded as Aidan spoke softly and pulled out of the small parking lot and down the road.
“That sounds real nice,” I told him as he nodded and took a slow breath.
He pulled off of the road, and I noticed a small cemetery to the right of the car. Maybe he had family buried here that he needed to pay his respects to before I met the last woman. That would make sense if we were already here and it might even explain his intensity right now. Aidan got out of the car and opened my door before he took my hand and led me through the open iron gate and over the grassy hills. I looked as we walked and read the names and figured out the ages of the people buried here as sadness filled me.
In my community, our cemeteries weren’t as pretty as this one was and it was small. Our stones just had the name, birth date and death date for the adults and sometimes nothing for the poor children that died too young. We kept written record of such information, at the church in a file. Nothing was entered into a computer, and I read the headstone of a baby that was shaped like a heart and even had a picture of the little brown haired girl. It was beautiful but so sad.
I wondered what the ceremony was like. Did they bury them with witnesses as we did? These graves had flowers and other items on them while ours were always plain. I’d been to my grandparent’s before, and all that anyone did was talk to the person and pay their respects.
Aidan paused, and I watched as he read a stone with heavy eyes. I turned to look at it and read the name with a frown. Marion Wolcott. That was Aidan’s name, but he’d told me that his mother was still living. Maybe this was someone else from his family. “This is the last person that I needed to see.”
The stone was pretty with flowers etched on it and what looked like a poem. I read the dates and realized how young she was when she died. I stared at him with wide eyes as he pressed his lips together. Aidan told me that Marion was his wife for two years. She was the one woman that he’d committed to after some time with the Army.
“What happened to her?” I asked him as I wrapped my arms around his waist. He was shaking and upset, and I realized how much he’d loved her.
He told me that it was the medicine that killed her. His voice shook when he told me that it was prescription medicine, and I remembered his reaction at Angela’s house when Adam had confronted him. He had been so adamant that he only took them for pain and the pieces started to fall into place for me.
“What pills?” I asked as I held him tighter. I sensed that the collapse was coming, and I prepared myself as I closed my eyes.
Aidan started telling me that he suffered something called post-traumatic stress from the army. I’d never heard of anything like that before. We handled almost everything at home with faith. Aidan explained that the medicine helped him through the days and sleep. He told me that he’d been the same way with his wife that he had been with me during the car ride. Aidan told me that he hid things inside a lot and tried to act strong when he wasn’t feeling that way. He did that with Marion as well.
My heart broke when he explained that she started to drink wine. I had gotten the impression that it was a casual interest from the night I’d had it, but when Aidan said that she drank more and more as time went by, I felt the tears in my eyes. I felt his pain, and I felt hers as my heart broke and I held him closer to me.
When he told me that he’d found her unconscious in the kitchen with glass and pills around her, I knew that was when she’d died.
When he dropped to the grass and started sobbing, I knew how much pain his heart and mind were in. I dropped beside him and tried to comfort him the best I could as he cried and released everything that he’d been holding in. Aidan told his wife everything that he didn’t have time to say before she died and I slumped down beside him and cried with him.
He spoke of her family and the guilt that he felt for them, and I realized that Aidan hated himself in some ways, many ways. He didn’t see himself as worthy, and he would never find his inner peace if he didn’t let this out. I heard his voice break and felt him shaking as I touched him to remind him that I was there for him.
I felt honored that he wanted me here with him at all. All of the pushing away that he’d been doing during the drive here made some sense now, and I rested my face against his body as he continued to cry and apologize.
There were so many apologies. I learned more about what he’d been suffering from inside of his head and how he reacted to the bad things that he’d seen. He talked about losing his best friend. He wasn’t even planning on returning to the Army if he could help it once he was married but once she was gone, he’d run back. That was when he’d lost Joe and some other friends and suffered the damage to his body.
Aidan would always have the mental and physical scars to remind him of everything that happened. He talked of men in his group that wanted him to take care of himself.
It was all coming out in a rush, but I felt every aspect of his Iain. I [prayed as he spoke and held on tight before we heard someone say his name.
Aidan jumped and turned around with a gasp as I was tossed to the side. It was a woman with brown hair a few years older than Mama. She seemed surprised to see him as she placed the flowers into the grave in a vase of sorts and fussed over them for a moment as she asked what he was doing in Arizona. He stood and placed his hand on his heart, and I joined him as my arms fell helplessly to my side.
Aidan called her Kathy, and she seemed very considerate towards him. She spoke of seeing him in so much pain and understood why he was taking the pills. They helped him. She was Marion’s mother and visiting her grave with the pretty pink tulips. My favorite.
I couldn’t help but think of all of the flowers that he’d given me, flowers that I’d had to throw away after they all died. I couldn’t help but hold on to that Aidan that cared for me so much as he fell apart all over again.
My heart pounded as she told him that what happened was the fault of his wife. How could a parent say that? She said that she didn’t talk to her daughter about anything and that she hid everything inside as well. Why would a girl not talk to a woman like this? It made me think of my own Mama and how much I loved to talk to her, even if it was about small things. I longed to go back and tell her all of my thoughts as emotion filled me and I wiped at the tears on my face. I knew that it wasn’t the Amish way, but I missed her so much at this moment, both her and Daddy.
When Aidan told her that he just wanted to talk to Marion, she explained that she did talk to her. She expressed every emotion to Marion even though he father was more reserved with the painful circumstances. I cried as he asked if Marion’s father hated him. Of course, she told him no and for the first time, she looked me over with a warm gaze.
I was happy when she told him that she wanted him to move on, along with her husband and daughter. They just wanted to see him happy. Aidan deserved that.
I was surprised when she hugged me and told me to take care of Aidan. There wasn’t a bone in her body that hated Aidan like he seemed to want everybody to do. I prayed that he would understand that as she walked away and I slowly looked up at him. He’d touched my back as he told her that he was trying to move on, and now his hand was gripping mine tightly.
“That was a surprise,” Aidan spoke, and I could hear the shock in his voice.
I could tell by his reaction, and I squeezed his hand. “Do you feel better?”
He told me that he never thought deep down that they blamed him. His own mind told him that on his worst days. I was happy to hear that he admitted it did help him and take some weight off of his shoulders.
My heart dropped when he gave me a serious look and told me that he still wanted to talk to me here, along with Marion. He asked if I minded staying for a while and I focused on the nickname that he used with his wife for a fleeting second. I wanted one of those.
I looked around and asked him if he was sure that he wanted to stay here, and he firmly nodded. We found a spot in some grass near a tree by Marion’s grave, and he took a deep breath as he looked around.
Aidan jumped right in by saying that he wasn’t returning to the military as he’d been telling me all along. I realized that everyone that we’d seen along the way was under the same impression as far as I knew and I stared at him. My heart broke when he admitted that he wasn’t going to tell anybody about it, and when his voice faded off, anger took effect as my eyes flashed.
“Disappear?” My voice rose in pain as I accused him of spending these days with me, days that were so important in my life and then just leave me behind.
I thought that we were making some headway here. I thought that we meant something to each other even when I was trying to convince myself that it was just casual for him. Casual didn’t mean abandonment in my mind. He started to cry as he told me that he was going to hell, and I wanted to slap him for his words, but I lifted my hands to my face and resisted biting them.
That was a terrible word. I was raised to believe in God and all of his power. I was raised that we would all end up in a nice place after this, taken care of. Why would Aidan think that he deserved to be in hell? Why would he think he’s so bad when his former mother in law just forgave him in my presence?
He reached a hand out, and his shoulders slumped as he apologized, at least in part. I could tell that whatever he was going to say next was painful for Aidan, and I braced myself for the worst.
I had no idea what the worst could be.
Tears slipped down his cheeks as he admitted that he was dying. Aidan was twenty-six and a healthy looking man, and I couldn’t wrap my mind around his admission. “I’d given him everything that I had to give, and he was going to die. I didn’t know whether or not to be heartbroken, angry at him for not telling me or both. He told me of his plans to say goodbye to everyone without admitting the truth. He accepted his impending death and even welcomed it.
When he mentioned ending up at my house, I felt guilty that fate had intercepted his plans. I slid my arms around him and held him tight as his body shook with sobs and he talked about seeing me for the first time. He spoke about respecting me because I was different than the others and told me that he was going to push away his desire for me based on that.
He told me that he admired my need for life, and I wept with him as I told him that I wanted him the moment that I saw him. He kissed my hair, and I clutched him tighter. I told him that I wanted to know everything about his complex life before I demanded to know why he wanted to die in an angry voice. I whimpered when I asked him why he even brought me along with him at all.
Aidan told me that he didn’t want me out in the real world alone. He didn’t bring me to have sex with me, but to keep an eye on me and make sure that I was safe. Why would a man like that want to die?
“It was wonderful, Aidan. I felt so happy seeing everything that you showed me.” I told him that I didn’t want to lose him as I dissolved into more tears. Aidan talked about the men that he worked with and how they were sick just like him due to exposure. They didn’t deserve it, but he did for all of the wrong that he’d done.
His pain tore my heart open as he told me about his aunt that had died from cancer after using the treatments that he tried to explain to me. I knew little about cancer since it hadn’t entered my world yet. From the way he told it, she’d only been sick and miserable in her last days. He didn’t want that for himself since his treatment was stronger than hers. This cancer was more aggressive than hers had been.
I argued with him. He was too young just to give in. He needed to fight for him, and I wanted him to fight for me. I wrapped my arms around his neck and whispered that I loved him as he pulled me closer.
“I want to, now. I never did before I met you,” Aidan told me as I pulled away enough to kiss him. It was messy, but he felt so good as he kissed me back and held me tight.
I promised him that I would fight for him and stay by his side. I could never leave him now, not since I knew what was going on. I vowed to find a way to make him get that treatment that he needed and fight to live. He had so much more to offer the world; he just needed to put a lot behind him. He needed to forgive his past and find happiness. Everybody wanted that for him but Aidan, so it seemed.
I would do anything, and I kissed him clumsily as I tried to convey my feelings through our lips. He’d heard my words, and it was up to him to decide to survive.
CHAPTER 34
Aidan
I cleared my soul, and we left the cemetery together as darkness was setting in. I felt like I had released a huge weight from my shoulders between talking to Mari, Kathy, and Elsa. I felt like if they thought I was a good person, then I just might be worth it. We grabbed some food from a local restaurant and ate it on the balcony looking at the stars as I told her about the constellations and their meanings. Elsa didn’t take those classes like I had and I longed to find a planetarium along the way to have her hear the stories and see the stars that weren’t visible tonight. She seemed to be still shaken by everything that she’d heard tonight but still had her curiosity about her. She seemed hopeful to me, and I needed that with such a risk to survive this cancer at all.
I would never forget her telling me that she loved me. It meant more coming from her than it ever had. I loved all of the women that had been in my life, but perhaps I was in a different place now and ready for it. There was still fear in my heart that I would only end up hurting her in the end if treatment failed but the way her blue eyes shined in the moonlight told me that she was willing to take that risk.
Elsa loved me. I would never forget that.
We cleaned up our trash and went inside of the room that was softly lit by a few lamps. Elsa had looked at me before she went into the bathroom. I heard water running, and she called me inside as she slipped her shirt over her head. “Take a bath with me, Aidan?”
“Of course,” I told her as she slid her jeans down and shimmied out of her panties. Damn, she was beautiful. I loved her so much, and I lifted my t-shirt over my head as she watched with unabashed desire. I stripped my body of my jeans and boxers, and she stepped forward as she lowered her head to kiss my scarred chest and arms. “These are a part of you, Aidan. Everything that you have to offer is a part of you, and I love every bit of it. I want all of you.” She dropped to her knees and took me into her mouth as I slid my hands into her hair. “Baby, you feel so good.” I knew that I never wanted another woman’s mouth on me or anyone but Elsa underneath me ever again. She was everything.
I told her that I was going to come, but she greedily kept me inside of her mouth until I was jerking forward and crying out her name. Elsa took it all as she stared up at me with her endless blue eyes as I gaze down at her. I lifted her to her feet and unclasped her bra as she stared at me before leading her to the tub to turn it off. It was getting full.
I found the button to turn on the jets and added some of the bubble baths that the hotel offered on the shelf. The room smelled of lavender and vanilla as we lowered ourselves into the seats and I held her close to me. My hand slipped over her pert nipples under the bubbles, and she sighed as her lips found mine. “Was that good for you?” Elsa murmured as we took a break to catch our breath in the steamy room.
“Everything with you is good for me, Elsa. You’re an amazing woman,” I murmured before our lips locked again.
“I am just a girl compared to you,” she whispered as my hand slid down her stomach and between her legs as she shuddered.
“You were always a woman to me. You always stood out from anyone else that I ever met,” I promised her as I kissed her again and began to stroke her firmly. Elsa lifted her feet to spread her thighs open, and I slipped two fingers inside of her as she leaned back and took shallow breaths. I loved watching her come. She moaned my name as she tightened around me and I felt myself harden as I watched her. I told myself to wait until we were out to take her the way that I wanted to and held her as she recovered from her strong release. This water felt so good, and I massaged her lower back as she dropped her head against his shoulder and sighed happily. She deserved this, and I wanted to fall asleep with her after being inside of her.
I was sleeping better with her than I ever had before. The nightmares were lessening and the ones I did have were controllable. Waking up in her arms was so reassuring to me apart from the night that I was alone on the couch and dreamed that I lost her. I remembered my fear and dismay when I woke up and thought that it was real, followed by the very real possibility of her leaving with her brother.
I thanked God that she was still here with me and willing to fight with me as she kissed me again. I moved her in front of me and massaged her entire back as she leaned forward onto her legs. We talked about our upcoming trip to the Grand Canyon, and she sounded anxious and excited as I described it to her.
I thought about how little credit I gave the good in the world after joining the military. After seeing such carnage, I stopped remembering the little things that filled me with joy as a kid and could only play back the bad memories in my mind. I didn’t appreciate my relationships any further, as seen in what happened with Melissa and Angela. They both deserved far better than what I had to offer, and I hoped that Angela would find love again. As strong as she came off, I knew that the pain from our loss was still very present in her memories. I only connected pain with the military now that Joe was gone and the others that I’d been close to were ill just like me. I didn’t credit them for being my brothers away from home and sticking with me through some of the hardest times that we would ever see. I vowed to contact them and make things right again. They weren’t dead yet and had so much will to survive, and I never wanted to lose the chance to say what I felt again. I didn’t want to lose any more chances.
Being with Elsa was so easy, so effortless. I could just feel it in my heart that we were meant to be together, and I thanked God for allowing me to find her. I acknowledged that I had to go through everything that I’d experienced to find her and she was one of the best things that I could ever hope for in my life.
I helped her out when the water started to cool off and dried her with the soft towel as my eyes took in her bare form. Her pretty pink nipples hardened under my gaze, and I slipped the towel over her firm stomach and licked my lips. Elsa met my eyes, and I lowered myself to dry her legs as I moved between her legs to lick her slowly. She was wet in every way possible, and I pushed her onto the counter gently before I spread her legs apart and feasted on her while she slipped her hands into my hair and pulled me closer. “Aidan, don’t stop. Don’t ever stop.” I pushed my tongue deeper inside of her, and she came again as I drank her in and kept her slow orgasm going. I would spend my life pleasing this woman if God allowed it.
I got myself dried off, and we made our way to the bed in the dim room. She crawled on before me, and I followed her as she laughed and dropped onto her back. My lips found her mouth and then her neck as Elsa wrapped her arms around me.
I sucked her nipples between my lips as she shuddered and arched her back. Elsa was natural at making love with me, and it was never awkward. She was perfect for me since the first time, and none of that passion had faded even with all that we’d gone through. Hell, it was stronger, and I struggled as rushed to get a condom from my bag and over me before I took her with one deep thrust. Her feet peer pressed against my chest as I drove myself into her fast and hard and she cried out for more. “Aidan, Aidan…oh yes. Yes!” We came together as I rocked against her and stared down at her flushed body and hooded eyes and knew that she was it for me.
Elsa fell asleep before I did pressed against me in the way that she loved as she closed her eyes. Every part of her was touching me, and I realized that I’d never liked cuddling as much before. I couldn’t sleep, though. I kept thinking about war and loss and pain as she breathed easily in my arms. I thought about death and wanting to live as I played back what she’d said to me at the cemetery.
I knew that Marion was gone, and I had to let her go completely. What mattered now was the present, and I looked down at Elsa’s face as I smiled softly. She believed in me completely when I had never allowed that for myself. I hadn’t given anyone else the chance either.
I woke her up gently a few hours later, and she murmured my name as she slowly blinked and looked around. “Aidan? Are you okay?”
“I’m more than okay, baby. After we make this trip tomorrow, I am going to talk to a doctor. I am going to get the treatment. “Do you really want me?” My voice was soft as she gave me a beautiful smile and nodded.
“More than I’ve ever wanted anything, Aidan. Thank you for this. I can’t wait for our future,” Elsa told me as she pulled me down for a kiss. I watched her as she fell back to sleep with a smile on her face and I finally felt peace settling around me in the room. Everything was going to be okay, and I was going to do this. With Elsa by my side, I could do anything, and I breathed in the scent of vanilla deeply.
I kissed her forehead and fell asleep as I felt her leg slide around mine to lock my body against hers with a smile.