Chapter 24

Rhett

 

I was awake for most of the night, just thinking everything over. This was a real mess, and I needed to do something to solve it before we went out to the city, as a crazy, messed up family. I couldn’t spend an awkward day with Danica and Lyla; it just wouldn’t work. It was arise too much suspicion, and the last thing we needed was our parents digging around in our business.

So by the time the sun started to shine through my bedroom window, I decided that I needed to abandon my plan to avoid Danica until I went home. I was going to have to face her alone before we even saw Lyla. If we could come to some sort of agreement before then, I was certain the day would be bearable.

It had to be a good sign that Danica had agreed to spend the day with me anyway, surely? That had to mean that she didn’t totally hate me. It suggested that we could certainly come to some sort of truce anyway. I hoped, at least…

I shoved some clothes on quickly, not even looking at what I was wearing, then I ran my fingers through my hair, trying to sort out my messy mop–even though it was a hopeless cause.

Come on, Rhett, I thought to myself. You can do this. You can sort this out.

But as I looked at my stressed out reflection, I could tell that I wasn’t doing a very good job of convincing myself. The tension was evident in my eyes, and my shoulders. My body was normally as relaxed as my personality, but as soon as I arrived at my dad’s house, it started building more and more.

I was like a coiled spring that could burst at any time.

But I didn’t want that to stop me, so I shook all the negativity from my mind and I turned to head down the stairs, down to the room that I seemed to spend all of my time in front of. As I knocked on Danica’s door, I hopped nervously from foot to foot hoping that this wouldn’t lead to another row. I wanted this to be a civilized, sensible chat; I didn’t want any of this to make it worse. I just didn’t have it in me to argue anymore.

“Coming,” she called out–obviously thinking that it was her mom calling her to get going. I needed to make it clear that it wasn’t, just in case she didn’t want to let me in.

“It’s me,” I practically whispered, not wanting to draw any attention to us. “I just wanted to speak to you before we left.”

After a brief pause, during which time I thought she might actually be ignoring me, the door swung open. There was a hard expression on her face that suggested I might not be quite so forgiven after all, but she was letting me in–and I decided to take that as a positive. Her arms folded across her chest, and she shook her hair out angrily, but she still didn’t send me away. I couldn’t help the way my heart fluttered as I looked at her, before I rapidly pulled myself together, remembering what I was here for. I couldn’t be thinking about my feelings when we had so much to sort out.

“Can I come in?” I asked anxiously. She stepped to one side, allowing me to enter, but there was a definite atmosphere still hanging in the air. “I just wanted to apologize for yesterday. I’m sorry for being such an idiot–I hope we can move past my stupidity.” She didn’t say anything; her face didn’t even stir, so I quickly felt the need to continue. “I’m just a bit… I feel a bit of a mess.”

It was only then her face began to melt a little. I watched her arms swing down by her sides and a small bit of warmth emanate from her. “Yeah, I guess this is a bit weird for all of us.”

“I don’t mean to be so up and down; I just don’t know where my head is at.” This felt like the right moment to finally be honest. There was no point in trying to hide anything anymore.

“I know what you mean.” She nodded sharply. “It is hard work knowing what’s best. Heart or head.” She smiled, and I grinned back, but deep down, I felt my emotions swirling everywhere. What did she mean by heart? Did she really feel as deeply as I did?

Not that it mattered, of course…

“And of course, I’m happy that you’re finally ready to admit that you’ve been an idiot,” she teased, shooting me that smile that I loved so much. “That makes things much easier.”

“Yeah, yeah.” We both laughed, and the tension seemed to flow from the room.

“Look,” she suddenly went serious once more, which had my heart racing. “I’m here if you ever need to talk, you know? Like if things are ever… I don’t know, weird with your dad, or whatever.” Her face flamed bright red, which made me feel incredibly uneasy. What did she know? What wasn’t she telling me?

“Erm…okay?” I replied awkwardly. “Things are the same as always with him. They’ve never been great.” That much was obvious–anyone could have seen it, so there was no point in pretending otherwise.

“Have you never got along?” she enquired cautiously, as if she wasn’t quite sure if this was a dangerous path or not. “Has it always been bad?”

“Yeah,” I sighed sadly. “Pretty bad. I guess it’s just been sucky because he’s never been around, and then when he has, he’s been very selfish.” As I saw the horror-stricken look cross her face, I found myself inexplicably backtracking rapidly. “I’m sure he isn’t like that now, though,” I insisted, unsure as to why I was protecting him. “He seems to really love your mom. She must have changed him.”

“Fingers crossed,” she joked.

Suddenly, we made intense eye contact, and I felt so many emotions flowing between us. The unsaid things were blatant, but neither of us could vocalize and accept them. It was awful having to keep everything locked inside, but in that moment, it felt like we wouldn’t survive it any other way.

“Right.” She finally moved away from me. “Let’s get going before Mom comes up to get us. I don’t really fancy that conversation today.”

As I walked down the stairs behind Danica, I felt really pleased with my decision for us to have this conversation before we left. It made things so much easier to deal with, and I had to take that as a win.

It seemed like I had finally done something right…

 

***

 

Now that Danica and I had made up, the day in the city wasn’t uncomfortable at all. In fact, it was quickly turning out to be amazing–the best day I’d had since arriving at my father’s. Excluding the first half of the day in Delaware, anyway; although of course it was my fault that all went so wrong.

Lyla really was lovely, and I would be glad to have her as a stepmom, if it weren’t for the fact that I hated my dad so much. She was far too good for him, and I wished that she could see that. Not that I could say anything on that subject matter, without sounding like a bitter and twisted child…

What made her even better was the fact that she seemed to pay no attention to all the bad stuff dad had obviously said to her, and she was willing to make her own judgments on me. I respected that massively. She even respected the difficulty of our relationship so much that she didn’t even bring him up. It was like having a nice break from him and everything that he represented in my life.

There was another unexpected thing happening to me…or maybe it wasn’t so unexpected. Maybe it was completely expected, I wasn’t sure by this point. My feelings for Danica were rising back to the surface, and I was starting to think that maybe I shouldn’t have called things off after all. I hated being so fickle and indecisive, but every single time I thought I made a solid choice, something would happen and my mind would change again.

I felt the flirtatious atmosphere discretely arise between me and Danica increasingly during the day. We weren’t being blatant about it because we were with Lyla, but there were definitely long lingering looks and the odd wink there, and I couldn’t help but really enjoy having our secret back.

It was sending me insane that I found myself back in this position, but I couldn’t seem to help myself. There was something so intense between me and Danica, and I just didn’t quite feel ready to turn my back on it.

However, I knew for a fact that if I did decide to go back there, then it would have to be final. I couldn’t mess around anymore. I couldn’t keep going up and down, back and forth. I needed to make a final choice, and stick by that no matter what.

It was only that which made me want to stay away. I was terrified of making the leap head first into something so scary, something so potentially dangerous. I was scared of making that final choice and having to face the consequences of that.

But at the same time, I wasn’t sure that I could resist.

All of the reasons for us trying to make it work came bubbling up to the surface once more, and they were becoming louder and more insistent. We wanted to be together, we needed one another, and we were great together. It was only external circumstances that were keeping us apart, and that just didn’t feel fair.

How the hell was I back here? Questioning my decisions all over again. Still in the same mess! I was supposed to be an adult now, making smart choices, but whenever I found myself looking into those deep blue eyes, everything else fell away. I became a wreck that couldn’t seem to do anything right!

“So are you looking forward to Grange?” Lyla asked me over lunch as I watched Danica grin that beautiful smile at me. “It’ll be nice when you’re there–you can come and visit us whenever you like.”

“I’d like that,” I replied, not thinking at all about my dad. He was the last face that I wanted to see ever again, but none of this was about him. I would see Lyla, and I hoped that I would see Danica, too. Sure, she would be at college, but family get together events were bound to occur.

Oh God, was this going to be a lifelong problem? Danica and I playing this game where neither of us knew where we stood? How long could we do that for before we both went insane? Would we be sat across the family dinner table in ten years’ time, still secretly dating, then splitting up, and then dating again?

No, we couldn’t. I needed to make a choice once and for all, and I needed to stick to it. I wanted us to be in a position where neither of us could get hurt, and for that to happen we needed to establish solid boundaries.

Using Danica’s words, did I follow my heart or did I listen to my head? Did I do what I wanted to do, or what I knew was smart?

As she and Lyla talked about what life was going to be like after the wedding, I sunk back into my silent dilemma once more, wishing over and over again that the right answer would just reveal itself to me, saving me all of this constant inner turmoil.