CHAPTER 31
Elsa
I woke up stiff as I took a ragged breath. I’d dreamt that I chose to leave Aidan, and I opened my eyes to see the guest room at Angela’s house as I breathed a sigh of relief. I didn’t and I wouldn’t, not until he was on that plane to go back to the place that had wounded his body and his heart. I wanted to beg him to stay. I wanted to scream and ask him why he needed to go back there.
Aidan rested with his arms tight around me as I watched him sleep. All of the words spoken between Adam, Aidan and I played back through my head, and my heart ached as I slowed them down. Adam had been cruel and punished me with everything he said, but I knew that the words were spoken out of love. I knew that he did all of that to protect me and for the sake of my parents. I remembered what he’d said about Mama crying, and the idea ripped me apart inside. Would he go home and tell them that I was safe and even happy? Had he seen that at all when he was here? I prayed that he did.
I took another breath and moved onto my back to fill my lungs with air. I would never regret doing this no matter where I ended up once this journey was over. This was what life was all about, and I knew that now. I willed my parents with my mind to know that I loved them so much but that I was happy here, whether it be in this room or in that car where I’d seen so much. I’d learned about myself.
I had a feeling that this was one of the most intense versions of rumspringa, and I dropped my head onto the pillow. I’d dreamed of it for the last few years since I’d hit my late teens and I wondered what I expected.
Not this. Not falling in love with this man that was going to leave me.
I moved to stand and saw the door that led outside. I glanced back at Aidan and saw that he was sleeping and unlocked the door to sit in the chair that was there. Tears slid down my cheeks as I tried to calm my racing heart and I turned to my faith for a moment. I wanted to pray for so many things, but I prayed at this moment for Aidan to find peace. That was what mattered the most, and I wished it for him regardless of the fact if we were together or not. Now I saw where Melissa and Angela’s affection for him came from.
Love meant that you wanted that person happy inside. I hoped that Adam could see through his pain and realize that about me as well as my family. They didn't care that he wasn’t romantic with them and just wanted him happy. Both women had told me that they thought Aidan was happy with me in their way, without bitterness or envy in their voices. They believed that he and I had something precious even though one of them had worn his ring and the other carried his baby. Didn’t that mean something?
I looked out at the sun as it shone over the flowers in the yard. I’d like something like this with Aidan someday, a life full of color and happiness. I thought of the flowers that had probably died in the car, but I’d never forget him bringing them all to me. I’d never forget all of the colors. I still saw his face just watching me smile before he handed them to me and kissed me.
I think that Angela had all of those flowers and more. It was a beautiful sight. I stood barefoot and walked around to see all of them as I felt strength slowly seeping into my veins. This yard reminded me of home without the farm since Mama loved to plant flowers to relax after all of the other chores. As a result, I did as well.
They showed that life still happened, year after year, whether or not you planted them annually or not. Plants grew without a person planting them; they just grew where they ended up. I knew that I could do the same for myself, and I blinked as a tear slid down my cheek.
I felt eyes on me, and I glanced over to see Aidan standing on the deck watching me. He still looked tired, and I slowly made my way towards him. “I thought that you left me.” His words were soft, and I looked into my eyes.
“I am in this for the long haul,” I promised him as I looked into his eyes. I remembered something that he’d said out front, and I tilted my head. “You mentioned dreaming earlier. What did you mean?”
Adam’s face twisted, and he stared over my shoulder. I didn’t think that he was going to answer me, and he closed his eyes. “I sometimes dream of the bombs and losing Joe. I still see all of it as a movie when I’m sometimes sleeping. I was on pills for that once, and they helped them to go away, but I stopped taking them. I meant that. They destroyed a big part of my life, so I only handle the pain that way now. I had a dream last night.” He shook his head and looked at me. “It was you that died last night and today I almost lost you.”
He stopped talking, and Angela woke up to find us sitting in the living room sipping coffee as we pretended to be caught up in the show that was on. I didn't see any of it, and he’d shut down on me. I wasn’t sure why but I knew that Angela saw it and took it into consideration before she insisted on fixing brunch for us. “Are we still going with the original plan?” She was gone in the kitchen, and he looked blankly at the television. “Aidan?”
He nodded and took a large sip from his cup. I sensed that this was more than just sex once we were alone. This was bigger than that. This was about Adam being here, or the last woman and maybe even going back to Afghanistan. I wasn’t sure, and I didn’t think that he was going to tell me.
We ate in the dining room, but only Angela, and I spoke as he just shoveled the food into his mouth. She had made us some crepes with various fruits to top them with, and they were delicious. I told her so, and I saw her look to Aidan for something, but he remained silent. “Thank you.” Her smile was small as she cut another small piece and I finished my plate before I did everything but run to the sink to escape the tension in the air. Angela came to help and offered to try and talk to him while I took a shower if I was okay with that.
I nodded and stared at her. “I don’t know what I did.”
“You didn’t do anything, Elsa. He has a lot going on inside of his head right now. It’ll be okay.” She asked if I would give her my number and I nodded before I went to get my phone. “I need to know that he’s okay.” She punched something on the screen and handed it back to me as she took a deep breath.
I excused myself to go and take a shower and tried to focus on the stronger spray of the water. I enjoyed the products that she had inside of the large space and used the shampoo and conditioner that had a fruity scent as I used them slowly. I wanted them to have time. I used the body wash that smelled like coconut and pineapple instead of just soap and closed my eyes to inhale it. I needed to get some of this stuff since it was so feminine and sweet. I rinsed off after what felt like a reasonable amount of time and rinsed my hair before I dried off with a soft towel and dressed in the denim skirt and soft pink t-shirt that I’d chosen for the day. I picked up my dirty clothes and took them into the room to pack them into my suitcase as I considered going into the kitchen at all.
I killed time before I finally did and Aidan passed me in the hallway as he went to the room. He was still quiet, and I looked back at him before I walked into the kitchen to see her drinking coffee. “I tried. I don’t know what’s going on.” She gave me a long look. “Good luck. It sounds like you’re still going to where you planned.”
“I don’t know if I should be happy or not,” I answered as I sat at the bar. “Maybe I could’ve gone with Adam after all.”
“No, it’s not the time for you and Aidan to part ways just yet. Just give him a little time and see where the road takes you. He was upset earlier about the possibility of your leaving.” She tried to smile but grimaced instead. We waited in silence as we waited for him to be ready and when he was taking our luggage to the car, she grabbed a pretty pink bag and carried into the bathroom. I watched as she came back in and handed it to me. “I am one of those coupon crazies, and I have extras. Use these instead of the crap hotel stuff.” I glanced inside the bag to see a bottle of each of the products that I’d used in the shower, along with a couple of other things.
“Angela, this is too much,” I protested as she smiled and shook her head.
“I seriously have a lot. It’s nothing,” she assured me as the door opened and Aidan walked back in. “Going to hit the road?” She asked as he nodded and stared at the floor. “Well, then. Drive safe and have fun, okay?” He nodded, and she hugged him as he barely returned it. She sighed and walked over to me and hugged me tightly as I returned it to make up for him and honestly because I liked her a lot. She whispered for me to keep in touch and I nodded as I felt tears come into my eyes. I didn’t want to be in the car like this.
He led the way to the car as I clutched my bag in my hand and shuffled after him. Aidan did all of the same things as before and opened the door for me before he made sure that I was settled and closed it. I looked at the tulips and threw them into the back seat of the car without looking at the others and stared forward. Aidan climbed in and started the engine, but I was the only one that waved goodbye to Angela.
We hit the road, and I plugged my phone in and watched more videos about the ocean and animals as he remained quiet. It was awkward and he barely even had the car radio on today. I took his hand a few times along the way, and he’d hold it and sometimes squeeze it, but the only words that he’d tell me were “I’m sorry.”
Sorry about what? He wouldn’t expand on it at all.
He stopped for something to eat in a couple of hours, and I watched as he ignored the way the girl at the drive through window flirted with him. He was barely paying attention at all, and I watched as he dropped some chAng and shoved the rest into the console as I jumped. He was usually friendly and sometimes even chatty. I took the little hamburger that he’d ordered me and picked at it while I sipped at the soda. I returned to my videos after and started thinking about faith again.
Whether or not I remained part of the Amish community, I would always have my beliefs. I would hope that we could be together somehow but for now, I prayed again for his inner peace.
We went to a store together, and he bought more drinks for us as the girl flirted with him as if I wasn’t even there. Aidan responded in one-word answers and didn’t even look at her as he handed her some money. He started to cough violently as he got into the car and I touched his shoulder as he leaned forward. “Are you alright?”
“Fine,” he told me as he unscrewed the cap to a drink and took a long sip. He regained control of himself as worry crossed his face before he started the car. That was all he said until we arrived in Arizona.