Chapter 17

Danica

 

“Oh my God,” I muttered to myself as I was finally alone in my room. It had been officially the worst dinner of my entire life, and I had no idea where any of us would go from there. It felt like a horribly defining moment, and I wished desperately that I could take it all back. I really should have continued pretending to be too ill to socialize with everyone. That was my first mistake.

“Only briefly,” I cringed as I remembered the awful words I spoke at the dinner table, when it came to mine and Rhett’s previous encounter. “Camp Woodtree is a huge place, so it isn’t like we got to talk or anything. We just saw each other in passing.”

Urgh, what a shitty thing to say! I had just panicked as Brad threatened to reveal our secret, so I said the first thing that came into my mind. I even saw the hurt passing across Rhett’s face, and I still continued to say it. It was as if I couldn’t stop the free fall of words once they’d started.

I felt like the biggest bitch on the entire planet. I thought that I’d screwed things up with Rhett before, but I definitely had now. There was no way he’d want to speak to me after I denied even knowing him. I was an idiot–well and truly.

I threw my head in my hands as a sense of hopelessness overcame me once more. I didn’t know what the hell I was supposed to do now. This was a problem that I really didn’t know how to fix. I wasn’t even sure if there was a solution.

Knock, knock.

Oh great, and here came another unnecessary lecture from my mom. Just what I needed.

“Come in,” I sighed, steeling myself for a conversation that I really didn’t want.

“Hey,” a shy-sounding voice called out, as a face that I really wasn’t expecting popped around my door. My heart kicked up about ten notches as I realized that this was an entirely new conversation–one that I hadn't planned to have for days. It was Rhett, he was here in my room, and there was nothing I could do about it. I couldn’t avoid him any longer.

It hurt to even look at him. It gave me a painful sensation in my heart.

“Can I… Can I come in?”

There was no way that I could turn him away after that. He looked so sweet and vulnerable that my heart melted just a little bit. There was no denying that there were still feelings there deep inside of me, and as much as I tried to brush them aside, they didn’t seem to be going anywhere.

In the end, I decided that the only course of action was to narrow my eyes at him and to grab the wedding place cards that I was already supposed to have already written. If I acted like I was busy, he might just turn away of his own accord–I wasn’t entirely sure that I was ready to face him yet, but I definitely didn’t feel able to say no to him, either.

Unfortunately, he didn’t seem to get the hint. Either that or he was pointedly ignoring me. Avoiding the hints that didn’t suit his agenda.

“Why aren’t you talking to me?” he asked, sounding like he was trying to keep his emotions inside. “I know this is all a little strange, but I don’t see any reason for us to be so weird around one another.”

That was putting it mildly! Things had been absolutely unbearable. I didn’t look up, for fear of my shining, tearful eyes giving me away. I concentrated on the name I was writing, boring my eyes into the paper. I didn’t even recognize the person I was writing, but I kept looking at it all the same.

Mitchell Jones.

Mitchell Jones.

Mitchell Jones.

But Rhett still felt like he had more to say, and he wasn’t taking the hint that now wasn’t the time. My heart sunk as he continued to talk.

“I don’t like the fact that every room I go in, you race out. I don’t like the fact that we seem to have to hide all of our past, rather than just the incriminating parts.”

He was pouring his heart out, and I couldn’t stop my eyes from flicking up at him. His face was contorted in agony, and I hated that it was my fault that he was hurting. That was the absolute last thing that I wanted. “It’s sad that we had such a…a special time, and now we have to act like we don’t even know one another.”

Confusion swirled around me as his words started to resonate. All reasoning flew from my brain–as did the fact that I was pregnant with his baby. His words had me intoxicated, and I suddenly found myself imagining a perfect world where we could be friends despite everything else. I wasn’t sure if it was going to be easy, but at the same time I wanted that more than anything else.

I started to picture us laughing, and hanging out, and just enjoying one another’s company. I even pictured him helping me to enjoy the wedding, to make the crazy event a lot of fun… But then my mind wandered into a terrible territory, and I felt his lips against mine once more. I remember the way he made me feel so special.

No, I shook my head sharply to get that image from my brain; you cannot see him like that anymore. You just can’t.

Sensing that I wasn’t fully listening to his words, Rhett changed his tactic. “Look, can we just call a ceasefire to all this weirdness? Can we just be friends? Or at the very least normal?”

An unexpected smile spread across my cheeks at the prospect of acting normal. It seemed like far too much had happened for that. “I didn’t realize that there was a fire,” I announced, with humour in my tone. “I thought it was just a little strange, that’s all.”

“I know what you mean.” Feeling a little more comfortable around me now that I wasn’t emanating a dark cloud of doom, Rhett came and sat next to me on the bed. I could instantly feel a heat coming from him, and I shifted uncomfortably. It was like that very first day when we’d sat next to each other in the orientation meeting, the day where all of this began. That warmth, that chemistry, it was still all there.

The only problem was now we knew how taboo it was–it was so, so wrong, and there was nothing either of us could do to change that. “I just… I guess I don’t really know how to describe what’s going on between us.”

“No,” I agreed, nodding. “Our situation is somewhat unique.”

With that, we both burst into hysterical laughter, the tension ebbing away. For a moment, everything else vanished and it was if we’d returned to that ease we had between us at Camp Woodtree. I couldn’t help but be saddened that it was gone now, and that it could never fully come back. Things could never be what they once were, and that was undeniably devastating.

How damn typical that the one guy I’d ever really fallen for in my life was completely out of bounds. What did that say about me? What did that say about my shitty decisions? Urgh, why was my life always so damn complex?

“Look,” he continued, obviously taking the bull by the horns while he had the opportunity to talk to me. “If you want a bit of time out from all of this crazy wedding bullshit, then why don’t we take a day out tomorrow? We could go somewhere to really talk, to sort all of this out once and for all.” His eyes widened in hope, which sent me on a mental emotional rollercoaster.

I couldn’t stop my heart from racing as he spoke, knowing that we were heading into dangerous territory, but at the same time his offer sounded far too tempting for words. Time away from prying eyes with Rhett–even if we couldn’t act like we once had, I still wanted to be near him. We still got on really well, and I enjoyed being in his company. The last few days had been serious crap, I really felt like I needed a friend–even if I couldn’t discuss my problems, just to distract me from them.

“What did you have in mind?” I croaked, my fear obvious in my tone. I was petrified about where this conversation was going, so much so that I couldn’t even begin to disguise it.

“I was thinking that maybe we could go kayaking on the Delaware River.” He shot me a smile, knowing that he had me. He knew for a fact that I would not be able to resist getting out of here to do something fun, something physical.

For a moment, I tried to think of a solid reason to say no, but nothing came to mind. “Okay,” I nodded, wondering what the hell I was doing. Was it really a good idea? But then again, getting away from all of this wedding stress and having some fresh air would do me some good. It would be much less stressful, anyway.

“Right, okay, great,” Rhett could barely hide his surprise, which I understood. I’d spent the last few days keeping away from him, and yet here I was agreeing to be with him alone. “That sounds nice. Shall we go early before everyone else wakes up?” I nodded quickly, seeing the logic in this. The less that people knew about us, the better. “About six a.m.?”

“Yes,” I whispered, feeling all kinds of fear fluttering though me. We had a long moment of connection, both staring into each other’s eyes, before he finally broke eye contact and stood up. There was no denying the disappointment that filled me as he moved away, but I knew that it was the right thing to do. What did I expect to happen? Another kiss? There was no chance of that.

Ever again.

Ever.

“Okay, well, I’ll see you in the morning then.” He shot me a weak smile. “I’ll knock on your door–make sure you’re ready.”

“I will be.” And, I didn’t stop staring until he clicked the door behind him.

Long after I scattered the still unwritten wedding place cards to the floor, I lay back down on my bed trying to plan how I wanted the next day to go.

I basically found myself with one major dilemma–should I tell Rhett about the pregnancy or not? It would likely be my one and only chance, but would it be the right decision for the both of us?

He deserved to know, I was aware of that. I knew that this child was as much his as mine, but it wasn’t as if we’d been in a committed relationship. We had basically had the equivalent of a one-night stand, and now we could never go back there because we were about to become a family. It was more messed up than anything else, which was the exact reason I couldn’t tell him.

I should, but I couldn’t.

But the more I considered it, the worse I felt about it all. I wasn’t sure that I could actually go through with telling Rhett and threaten everything. I really didn’t want to ruin Mom’s happiness and the wedding, so yet again, I found myself taking the coward’s way out and deciding to keep the unborn child to myself.

I wanted to keep my relationship with my mom as it was, and I wanted to keep my relationship with Rhett on the level that it was. I didn’t want to detonate the bomb that could blow all of that apart.