Chapter 17
Meli
I could feel how badly Blake wanted to hold me. I could feel and see in his face how badly he wanted to hear the words that I wouldn’t leave him. I was fighting all my old instincts, all the old messages. They were all there, layered in my brain, forming the brick wall that kept me from living a normal life. I realized then that perhaps it was our flaws, imagined or otherwise, that made us worthy of love. If we were perfect, there would be nothing to fix, nothing to help, nothing to cherish. Humans were not designed to be perfect. I gave myself tremendous emotional freedom with those thoughts.
When Blake stood to go, one part of me wanted to hold his hand and take him upstairs to my bedroom. I knew it wasn’t the time for that yet. It had to be the right time. He understood that. I asked how long he was staying in town.
“I can stay as long as you want me to stay,” he said. “I’m thinking that you need some space, though. I would like to spend a little bit of time with our son and I will go as soon as you ask me to leave. In the meantime, I will stay at the hotel down the street so I can be close by. When you ask me to come, I will come; and when you ask me to leave, I will leave. I hope at some point you will ask me to stay.”
With those words, he kissed my forehead, gave me a hard, but brief hug, and turned to go out the front door. I let him go. He was right. I needed some space to think.
I realized I was shallow breathing, and I had been since the moment he stood up on the porch. I had forgotten how truly handsome he was. He was well over six feet tall, well muscled, and he emitted a masculinity that surpassed the mystical gray eyes and the cleft of his chin. I was feeling extremely erotic at the moment, and realized that I had been within a breath of asking him to stay the night. I knew that would not be a good plan, that it could actually result in disaster.
I needed time to talk to Kirk I needed to explain to him that it wasn’t just he and I alone in the world; that there was someone else. I had to explain to him that he had a daddy and where his daddy had been until recently. I didn’t want him to feel as though he had been rejected in any way. This would be complicated and that’s why it would take some time.
I decided to prepare the atmosphere for our little talk. I went into the kitchen and made him his favorite: hot dogs and potato chips with ice cream for dessert. It wasn’t long before he came stumbling down the steps, rubbing his eyes and in a crabby mood from having just awakened. He crawled up into the chair at the table, peeking over the edge of the plate that I carried toward him. The sight of the hot dogs managed to push away the frown left over from his nap.
“Mommy, who was that man?”
Could I have asked for a better opening line? It was though he knew I had something to tell him and he was opening the door for me to do so. I had to accept this is almost a sign that it was the right time to do it. “Eat your dinner, son, and I will tell you about that man.”
I went on to explain to him in the gentlest way that I could that the man was his daddy. I explained that his daddy owned a ranch and worked with horses and bulls. He wanted to know what a bull was, and I explained it was a cow that had horns.
“The kind that honk?” he asked and I had to laugh aloud.
“No, they don’t honk. They’re very mean bulls and you have to be a very brave daddy in order to ride on them.”
“Is my daddy brave? Is he one of the men who can ride the bulls?”
“Yes, indeed, Kirk. Your daddy is a very brave man.”
“Where has my daddy been?”
“He has been working very hard riding on those bulls. He has been getting ready to come and see you. Now that he is here, he wants to spend time with you. Will that be okay with you?”
“Is it okay with you, Mommy?”
“Yes, Kirk, it is more than okay with me.”
“Then why don’t you invite him to come here and stay with us?”
“Perhaps one day very soon I will do exactly that. In the meantime, I don’t want you to bring that up. It’s mommy who has to invite people to stay with us. Do you understand?”
He nodded. I was amazed at how open-minded he was. In fact, in many ways I was in awe of my son. He did not have the walls that I had built inside of myself. His heart was pure in his mind was open to believe in all the best things in life. I wished for a moment that I could be like him.
As the saying goes, from the mouths of babes. I spent some one-on-one time with Kirk that night. I wanted to be available in case he had questions about Blake. I wanted to be absolutely certain that he would in no way feel damaged from not having had his father with him since birth. I did realize that a certain amount of that was my own personal feelings of rejection, and that it wasn’t fair to expect that Kirk would have a like reaction. After all, I wasn’t my mother and hadn’t done what she did. There was however, a certain amount of trauma associated with her death that made it stand apart.
The next morning my phone rang early. I had given Blake my new phone number before he left, knowing that if I didn’t, he would just come directly to the house each time he wanted to talk to me.
“Good morning, Silver,” his voice was cheerful and hopeful. It stopped just short of saying can I come over?
“Good morning, Blake,” I responded in a like voice. “How did you sleep last night?”
“I won’t say I slept the best, but it was better than I’ve slept in a long time. Probably because yesterday was a very special day and I am so much closer to you. Can I ask you what you thought about last night?”
“I’ve realized that a lot of my reluctance has to do with my own childhood and has nothing to do with you or Kirk,” I said.
“That’s a pretty big leap in understanding, Silver. I admire you for being so open. I’m not sure that I would’ve been so brave to say that,” he complimented me.
“Would you like to join Kirk and me for dinner tonight?” I invited him.
“You know I would. Did you talk with Kirk about me at all?” he asked me, his voice hesitant.
“Yes, I did. I told him his daddy was a bull rider and that he had to work before he could come and be with us.”
“You told him that? You told him I was his daddy?” I could hear the joy in his voice. I could’ve kicked myself at that moment for not having done that sooner. I had no right, no right whatsoever, to have kept Blake out of our life for so long. Kirk was created by mutual consent: the least I could have done was let Blake know.
“Yes, we talked all about it. He’s very sharp, Blake. He seemed to have no problem with it whatsoever. I think it’s about time you get to know your son,” I finished and waited for his answer.
“What time can I be there?” he asked and I had to laugh at his haste.
“How about four o’clock this afternoon? That will give you some time to play with him before dinner and then I’ll put him to bed early so you and I can talk. How would that be?”
“That sounds just about perfect,” he said. “Silver, I would like to bring him a gift, but I won’t do it if you think I’m trying to buy his affection.”
“I understand your motivation, Blake. I don’t blame you a bit. I should’ve never kept you from him. Of course you may bring him a gift, he deserves the same from you as he gets for me.”
“Silver, I can’t tell you how much this means to me. You’ve changed. You’ve grown up a hell of a lot. I’m very proud of you,” he said.
“Well, there’s still a lot to be discussed. We’ll see you at four.”
“I won’t let you down, Silver. I’m in your life to stay.” With that, the phone line went dead and I imagined from my end that he was running for the truck and searching for a toy store. I could only imagine how much fun it would be for him to look for toys for his own son; the sort of things he would’ve liked to play with when he was a child and never got. I had felt a bit of that when I entered the toy stores, although my childhood was void of toys for girls. The more I thought about it, the more I realized how important it was that Kirk have a male influence in his life. I had been very selfish. There was one more person I had to talk to yet.
“Jill? It’s me.”
“Well, you sure as hell took your time calling me. Where the hell have you been?”
“It’s a really long story. I’ll tell it to you when I see you next. In the meantime; I need to tell you a couple of things.”
“Such as?”
“Blake is here.”
“Well, it took him long enough. You’ve got yourself one hell of a man there, Meli. I’m not even sure you deserve him.”
“That sounds a little bit jealous,” I said with some suspicion in my voice.
“Just maybe it is,” she shot back at me. I could hear her inhale her cigarette and knew that meant she was nervous. That was typical of Jill. She always cussed and was confrontational when she wasn’t sure herself.
“Well, there’s more.”
“I can hardly wait,” came her verbal sneer.
“Well, if you’re going to be a bitch about this, then I’ll just keep it to myself.” I was getting a little pissed at her attitude.
“Settle down, Sis,” she said with a sigh. “I don’t think it’s unreasonable that I not be overjoyed with your phone call. It only took you almost two years to call me. I thought we were tighter than that.”
“I know. I’m sorry. I had my reasons. You see, there’s someone here besides Blake. His name is Kirk. He is three and a half years-old and he is my son. Blake is his father.”
“Holy shit! You mean to tell me you’ve got a kid?” Her voice held utter disbelief.
“Yes. He was the gift of one night I spent with Blake before I left.”
“That’s why you left, wasn’t it? You fell for him when you didn’t want to. You told yourself you weren’t good enough, didn’t you?”
“You know me pretty well.”
I could hear her laugh at the other end of the line. “Who else could know you better?”
“You have a valid point. Well, anyway there’s a little more to tell you.”
“What in the hell else could there be?” She was feeling off balance again; I could tell by her speech pattern.
“When I left Dallas, I found myself a job in a little café in a tiny town in Louisiana. The owner took me under her wing, her name was Maudie. She died about a year after that and she left me her café, a house in Baton Rouge, and some money. I haven’t said anything about it because I wasn’t sure if I would need it for Kirk. I knew you would be okay; I knew that Blake would look after you.”
“Oh, you did, did you? Did you ever wonder just how he might look after me?” she asked, her voice ripe with jealousy. “Did it ever occur to you he might get tired of waiting for you?” she asked me.
I knew she was trying to push my buttons. I wouldn’t have blamed Blake if he had gone with Jill. I hadn’t left him many options. But I knew Blake well enough to know that if he had been with Jill, he wouldn’t have come looking for me in Baton Rouge. I let her have her mystery. It seemed to be all that she had at the moment, and she needed something badly. “Well, anyway, Blake and I are going to talk all this out. He wants me to come back with him and to bring Kirk. I hope you will still be there if I decide to come back. I would like us all to be a family.”
“I’m quite sure you would,” she said just before the line went dead.
I was quite surprised at Jill’s reaction. I had expected her to pounce on the idea that I had money; that had always been the driving force behind her. In that way, she was like my mother. She could be bought for relatively little. It seemed, however, that she had set her sights a bit higher this time.
I could hear in her voice that she had fallen in love with Blake. I didn’t blame her. I had, too. I had no idea what lay ahead of us down the road. I had to consider whether to even let Blake know this, unless he already did. Perhaps that’s why he finally came looking for me. It was bound to be a long conversation that night. I went upstairs to take a bath before I went shopping for the food supplies. As I climbed out of the bathtub, I changed my mind. I had other plans for dinner.