Rohan’s office…
Rohan stared at the mountain of work on his desk. Any other time and he’d hate seeing it, but now, suddenly, he was thankful for it. It gave him something to focus on that wasn’t his home life.
Never had he ever thought he’d wish for something to prevent him from going home.
“Knock-knock.”
Rohan looked up from the brief and saw Wilder leaning inside his door. “Hey.”
“You’re here late.”
Rohan swept a hand over his desk. “Your father handed me more contracts to review. Seems he’s gotten aggressive in his expansion plans.”
“I’m the one at fault for that,” Wilder said, smiling. “But you could be working on this at home. Like you normally do.”
Was he really that transparent? “I can focus a little better here.”
“Home a bit busy nowadays? I’m sure with the baby on the way, my brother is driving you nuts with plans for a nursery and the gods know what else,” Wilder said with a grin.
Rohan lifted his stare and forced a smile to his face. “That’s pretty much the gist of it.”
Wilder’s smile faded. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.”
Wilder frowned. “Bullshit. We’ve known each other long enough for me to know your poker face is gods awful.”
Rohan leaned back in his chair and scrubbed at his face a moment. When he moved his hands away, Wilder was already settling himself in the chair across the desk. “It’s nothing, really. Don’t worry about it.”
“It have anything to do with Jamie?”
Rohan lifted his stare. “No.”
Wilder grinned. “Yes, it does. Spit it out.”
“I can’t involve you in my marriage. It’s not fair to you or my omega.”
“I love my brother… and you’re my best friend. If not me, who?”
Rohan stared at Wilder, knowing he couldn’t share what was truly happening behind closed doors… or the wayward thoughts he was having.
“This has something to do with the baby, doesn’t it?”
It had everything to do with the baby. Or rather—how it was made. They’d found out about the pregnancy a month before and still Jamie refused to touch him or be touched. His omega was pulling away from him more and more each day.
And spending all his days with Gray.
Rohan was becoming consumed with his surrogate omega. Wild dreams, sexual exploits, fevered memories of their four days in bed. The further Jamie pushed him away, the more Gray slipped into his mind.
Part of that was the bond. He knew the chemical reaction that locked them together was partially to blame for his errant thoughts. But he loved Jamie.
And he fought those tormenting images with everything that he had.
Maybe that was the problem.
The more he fought, the harder it became.
“I thought you had agreed to all this? I mean, I know you had some doubts, but I assumed you’d finally decided this was the right thing for you both.” Wilder said. “At least, that’s how it seemed.”
“I couldn’t say no to my omega,” Rohan finally said. “He wants this baby with everything in him… but it’s all he wants.”
“All he wants… meaning?”
Rohan shook his head. “I don’t know if I’m on the list of his wants anymore.”
Wilder frowned. “He loves you.”
“And I love him. That isn’t in doubt.” He surely didn’t feel loved in return… “But his needs have changed since he went into remission. He’s solely focused on this child and nothing more.”
“I’ll talk to him. See what I can ferret out.”
“Don’t. I’ve already told you more than I should,” Rohan said. He should’ve kept his mouth shut, but he needed to vent to someone. There was no way he was creating any kind of drama between Wilder and Jamie. Period. They dealt with enough family drama as it was. “Forget I said anything. We’ll figure our way through. It’s just a major learning curve… after cancer and before a new baby. We just need to find our footing again. There hasn’t been time yet.”
“If there’s anything I can do,” Wilder said.
“You’ll be the first person I ask,” Rohan said. “I promise. Don’t worry.”
Wilder looked worried all the same. He rose, confusion and uneasiness on his face. “I’m going to head out. Why don’t you pack up and head home? Be with your omega?”
How could he say no to that? Rohan spied the stack of papers on his desk, knowing it was likely better to stay and get work done than to go home and be ignored. “Sure. Give me a minute to clean my desk up.”
Wilder leaned back, crossing his arms over his chest. Rohan saw the arrogant, alpha tilt to the man’s chin and knew there was no wasting of time. He cleared up his desk quickly and followed Wilder out.
Headed home.
To what, he wasn’t quite sure anymore.
And he’d continue to wonder that same question as days turned to weeks and weeks turned into months… and they were no more closer to finding a way back to one another than they had been then.
* * * *
Four months pregnant…
“How about that new place on McConnel Avenue?” Jamie asked. “I’ve heard their lunch menu is to die for.”
Gray shifted the bags in his hands a little, his feet aching from their whirlwind shopping spree. “How far is it? I need a break. And soon.”
“We can hire a car,” Jamie said before lifting his hand to the rushing traffic.
Gray braced himself. He wasn’t used to the hubbub of the Alpha Quad or the commerce district. He hadn’t been into the city more than a handful of times as a child. The noise… the high-rises… the congestion… the traffic… the smells… it was almost unbearable.
But there was also this thrum of excitement and life in the city.
There were shops and theaters and restaurants galore. He had gone from a tiny hamlet with limited options in the O Quad to having too many choices here. It was overwhelming, to say the least.
A for-rent car and driver pulled up along the curb, the tires almost squealing. Jamie opened up the back door and turned to Gray. “Hurry! Get in!”
Gray rushed over and launched himself and his bags into the backseat before Jamie crammed in with his bags as well.
“McConnel Ave,” Jamie said. “That new restaurant… I think it’s called Joyous?”
“Yeah, I know the place,” the beta behind the wheel said, staring at them in the rearview. “Hold on tight.”
The car whipped out into traffic. Gray heard the honking of horns behind them and wondered how close they might’ve just come to getting hit. He’d seen the way the cars zoomed in the streets and wondered how there weren’t casualties lining the pavement.
“How are you fine omegas doing today? Shopping, I see.”
“We have a baby coming,” Jamie said excitedly. He was beaming. “We have to prepare. There’s so much we need to buy.”
“Congratulations,” the driver said. “Who’s the papa?”
“He is,” both Jamie and Gray said in unison.
They looked at each other and chuckled.
“So… you both are pregnant?”
“No,” Jamie corrected. “I can’t have a child.” He turned and smiled warmly at Gray. “My friend here has kindly agreed to aid my alpha and I in our wish for a babe. He’s giving us an amazing gift that I will never truly be able to repay.”
The driver looked up into the mirror, not saying anything. Gray felt the man’s stare on him—and it made him uncomfortable.
“That’s a fine thing you’re doing,” the driver said, pinning him with a stare.
Gray nodded, not liking the attention of the stranger. Jamie felt no qualms in sharing all of their information, while Gray remained a bit more conservative with who he told. Opinions about surrogates were a mine field, it seemed. While there were many who thought his act noble—not that it was in any way—there were still some from the older generation who thought fate should be left alone and that Jamie and Rohan should be left childless.
The car came to a sudden stop at the side of the street.
“McConnel Avenue. Home of Joyous Eats. That’ll be four-eighty-three.”
Jamie reached through with some renos in hand. “Keep the rest.”
“Thank you, kindly,” the driver said. “You two enjoy your lunch.”
Jamie jumped out first, carrying his bags out. He turned to offer a hand to Gray—who took it immediately. He was only four and a half months along, but the baby was almost definitely an alpha, if size said anything. He was already beginning to show a little. His back ached all the time, so any extra help up was appreciated.
They clamored out onto the street and took the few steps to the door of the restaurant. The maître d’ bent over backwards to help them store their bags and find them the perfect table up front. They had a bird’s eye view of the street and everyone zipping to and fro.
Menus were placed before them. Gray opened his, and his eyes widened at the prices.
As they had been doing all day long.
He’d always tried to live frugally. He’d often failed, but even his failures looked conservative compared to what Jamie spent.
Before long, they placed their orders and received their drinks. He took a sip from his iced tea and sighed, glad to finally have a moment of rest.
“If I haven’t already said it, thank you for the clothes,” Gray said.
“You’ve thanked me over and over again, silly,” Jamie said.
“I really didn’t need them.”
Jamie scoffed. “I saw how tight your sweater was around your midsection and don’t even get me started on the rubber band holding your pants up. Don’t think I didn’t see that.”
“But pregnancy is only a few months out of my life. It seems extravagant to spend a lot on clothes I won’t wear for long. I was making do with what I had.”
“I like spoiling you a little. Where’s the harm in that?”
Gray smiled a little. He wasn’t going to lie. He absolutely loved the soft pants and top he was wearing now. Jamie had made him change into it after purchasing. It was incredibly comfortable.
“This baby is going to be spoiled rotten, I predict.”
Jamie grinned. “Absolutely.” He took a sip from his glass of wine and sighed. “Anyway… you deserve a little pampering in your condition. If it was me pregnant, I would’ve had an entire new wardrobe purchased, just for the hell of it. I would want the world to know I was pregnant. Those clothes help show off the baby bump.” He leaned over the small table and pressed a hand to the top of the swell. “That is an alpha… it has to be.”
“I think so… there’s no way I’d be showing this soon if it wasn’t. I’d say it’s a big alpha, at that.”
Jamie cringed a little. “There’s only one thing bad about that.”
The delivery. It was going to hurt more the bigger the babe was. “True. I will admit that I’m not looking forward to that.”
“I will be there every second. Holding your hand. Helping you through the pain. I’d take it myself if I could… if it could make your suffering less.”
“I know you would,” Gray said.
Jamie lifted his glass—but then an odd look crossed his face and his hand dropped, clattering the edge of the glass on the table. Wine splashed, some of it cresting the edge of the glass before staining the white tablecloth.
Gray leaned forward, taking Jamie’s hand and the glass. He set it down. “What’s wrong?”
Jamie took a deep breath and exhaled. “Nothing.” He reached for his glass again and met Gray’s glare. “Nothing, I swear.”
“That wasn’t nothing.”
Jamie took his drink and then shook his head as he sat the glass down. “I’m just tired. I haven’t been sleeping well.”
“Why not?”
“Well… to be honest… Rohan and I have been arguing a little lately. He thinks I’m too focused on the baby and nothing else. I keep telling him that you and the baby need to be the focus.” Jamie chuckled. “He just misses me. I need to show him a little more attention. Don’t worry.”
Gray sensed there was more to it than sleeplessness, but he wasn’t going to push. He hadn’t seen anything else to give him doubts. But he was going to watch the man like a hawk.
“Oh look!” Jamie said, looking through the plate glass window. “Rohan and my brothers are here.”
Gray tensed. He hadn’t seen Rohan since the second heat that never came. He’d been invited to meet Jamie’s family, but he’d so far made excuses not to—simply to stay away from Rohan. Distance was good.
It kept his wayward thoughts to a minimum.
Jamie knocked on the window and got their attention. Moments later, the trio were inside and the maître d’ was moving them to a larger table where they could share a meal. Gray did everything in his power to ignore Rohan.
“I didn’t know you’d be having lunch here today!” Jamie said excitedly. He turned to Gray. “You get to meet my brothers.”
He was introduced to both Wilder and Vaughn. The former looked like a bigger, beefier version of Jamie. The youngest brother—he looked completely different—with dark hair, dark eyes, and a stronger set to his chin. He’d heard a lot about them both, but particularly Wilder.
The sun seemed to rise and set on that particular brother.
Wilder offered a hand to Gray. He took it and then winced as the alpha scented him. Wilder’s head whipped to the side to eye Rohan before releasing the hold. Vaughn gave him a quick nod before sitting down.
Once they were all seated, Gray felt an uncomfortable vibe surrounding them. It also didn’t help that Rohan kept staring in his direction. Fortunately, the baby pressing down on his bladder helped give him an excuse to leave the table for a moment and get some alone time.
He rose. “Excuse me. I’ll be right back.”
Rohan pinned him with a heated glare that nearly had his knees buckling.
Gray rushed off as fast as he could, hoping like hell he could remain upright.
* * * *
Rohan watched Gray’s retreating form, shocked by the swell to the omega’s belly. He knew the man was pregnant, but seeing Gray ripe and growing with his child had an impact. It only made the instincts within him rise to the surface.
Bring him closer.
Protect him.
Covet him.
Rohan closed his eyes, trying to tamp down the need growing within.
Wilder sighed once Gray was out of hearing distance. “My gods, Rohan… you marked him? How could you do that to Jamie?”
“I demanded a natural conception,” Jamie interrupted, speaking in low, firm tones. “Rohan didn’t want to do it.”
“That omega is drenched in your alpha’s scent,” Wilder said, clearly upset. “I can’t believe you would want him to break his vows to you.”
Wilder turned, glaring at Rohan.
“I fought your brother, tooth and nail,” Rohan said, his jaw clenched. He continued to fight the protective instinct screaming for him to draw Gray closer and shelter the young growing within. Every muscle tensed, the marking scent stronger than he’d expected. Even now, he wanted to leave the table and follow the omega. “Jamie wouldn’t budge.”
“We can discuss this later,” Jamie spat. “Now is not the time or the place.”
Wilder turned to Jamie and narrowed his gaze. “You honestly wanted this? I can’t believe that. It’s insanity.”
“Artificial insemination is costly and ineffective. And after all my many months in and out of hospitals and labs, I wasn’t going to have this new life begin the same way,” Jamie said. “Neither Gray nor Rohan wanted it. They both tried to talk me out of it. Eventually, they both gave in and saw my way was the better way.”
“You sound like papa,” Wilder murmured. “Selfish. I expect more from you.”
Jamie looked away, disappointment on his face.
“Leave Jamie alone,” Rohan said. “What’s done is done. Gray is giving us the babe Jamie wants. End of story.”
Wilder looked to Rohan. “End of story? What happens to this omega once all this is over? You’ve marked him as yours. He’s your responsibility. But what about my brother?”
“We have a contract with Gray. We are paying him for this service—and handsomely at that—and when it is over, we have no more responsibility,” Jamie said, matter-of-factly. Of course, he knew it was more than a simple contract, but his brothers didn’t need to know all the ins and outs of his and Rohan’s life, either.
Vaughn leaned in and gave his two cents. “Brother, you’re an omega. You don’t understand the alpha instinct. He’s marked. Rohan will never let him go completely.”
Rohan sighed and closed his eyes. He could feel Jamie’s stare on him. When he reopened them, he saw his omega’s expectant look. “What?”
“Is what he says correct? Will you always want Gray after this?”
“Time and distance will keep him out of my thoughts,” Rohan said. “It’s a chemical reaction—that’s all. It means nothing.” He turned to capture his omega’s stare. “I have one mate and one mate only. I love you. Nothing will change that.”
“Maybe it needs to change,” Jamie whispered.
Rohan’s chest clenched at Jamie’s words. He frowned, opened his mouth to argue, but then stopped, realizing where they were and with who. He could barely breathe from the need to understand what his omega was thinking.
Feeling…
Or not feeling.
Had Jamie fallen out of love with him? Was he no longer wanted?
Rohan caught a scent and saw Gray returning to the table, swollen stomach and all. The instinct kicked into high gear, making him squirm in his seat.
Wilder shook his head and rose from the table, just as Gray walked nearer. “I’ve lost my appetite,” he grated before leaving the restaurant.
Vaughn shook his head and followed Wilder out.
Jamie reached out and grabbed Rohan’s hand. “Stay. Have lunch with us.”
Rohan looked between him and Gray, finally drawing out the pregnant omega’s seat before settling back in his own chair. Lunch was likely the most torture he’d ever endured in his life. Seated beside the man he loved more than anything in the world and the omega carrying his child and his scent.
He barely tasted the food. He barely remembered the conversation.
As soon as he’d paid for the check, he rose. “I need to get back to the office. You two stay as long as you’d like.”
“Thank you for an enjoyable lunch,” Gray murmured, not quite looking at him.
Rohan sensed the lunch had likely been just as uncomfortable for Gray. “You’re welcome.”
“Oh,” Jamie cried excitedly. “We have an ultrasound appointment late tomorrow morning. Do you think you could take off and join us?”
Rohan looked between them.
Jamie looked excited. Gray looked panicked.
But the thought of seeing the baby firsthand… how could he say no? It was his son growing in Gray’s stomach.
“I’m sure I can spare an hour or two,” Rohan said. “Text me the time and location so I can plan once I get back to the office.”
“Absolutely, sweetheart.”
Rohan leaned into press a kiss to Jamie’s forehead, only to have his omega awkwardly pull away.
He sighed inwardly and rose to his full height. His stare clashed with Gray’s for a moment—until the omega looked away, embarrassed.
“I’ll see you at home tonight,” Rohan murmured and left before he felt any more shame.
* * * *
Jamie slid the smooth pajama top over his head before spying Rohan’s broad, muscled back. Seated at the edge of his side of the bed, the alpha readied himself for bed, as well. The desire to step forward, to rest his hand and feel Rohan’s warmth heat his palm… he took a tentative step forward before catching himself. All the same doubts and worries filled his mind, and he stepped back, as if singed by the thought alone.
Sadness swelled in his chest, making it hard to breathe.
For so long, they’d been lovers. Equal partners in this business of matehood. Rohan was a kind and gentle lover. A considerate and caring friend. And the man didn’t deserve the hell Jamie was putting him through.
He opened his mouth. No words came. The pleading apologies wished to come to the fore and make themselves heard, but to utter them would only create another squabble as to why and why not.
Again, he’d try to explain without truly explaining, knowing his alpha would never truly understand what he was doing. If he did, Rohan would try to convince him otherwise and it would end up a circular argument, with neither of them winning, both of them losing, and leaving them both spent and exhausted.
This wasn’t the way he wanted it.
So, as he had for months, he ignored the denials in his head, knowing what he was doing was right for them all.
By the gods, please let me be right.
He slid into his side of the bed, garnering a simple glance from Rohan over one shoulder. By the day, they grew more distant and that killed him, especially knowing it was by his own design. Too many nights now, they’d slipped under the covers, two strangers—never speaking the whispered words of ‘I love you’ and ‘sleep well’ that they used to.
The silence was deafening. He searched his mind for something—anything—they could talk about. “What did Wilder mean at lunch today?”
Rohan again looked over his shoulder, seeing but not seeing. “Your brother had a lot to say today.”
“The part about… you marking Gray.”
His alpha was silent a moment, long enough for him to wonder if an answer would come.
Rohan rose, turning, and peeled back the comforter on his side. “It happens in alpha-omega couplings. Omegas can’t scent it, but alphas can. It’s what keeps other alphas away from you.”
“So any alpha can scent you on him?”
“Yes.”
“Have I been marked?”
Rohan sighed. “Yes and no.”
Jamie frowned. “Why yes and no?”
“You’ve been marked, but there are different kinds of marks.” Rohan climbed onto the bed and pulled the covers up. “A stronger mark typically happens in pregnancy. After the babe has reached a few months. Three or four.”
None of their babes had made it that far. Jamie had miscarried early each time, only a month or two along. “Oh.”
Jamie was quiet a few moments. “So he’s more your mate than I am.”
“Are you serious?” Rohan asked, his head whipping to the side. “Not even close.”
“I saw the way you looked at him over the lunch table.”
“He’s pregnant with our child. You know damned well an alpha’s protective instinct kicks in. I tried to leave, but you begged me to stay.”
Jamie turned to Rohan. “Don’t be angry. I’m not jealous. I’m asking because I’m curious. I don’t mean to make you upset.”
“Well… maybe you should be jealous.”
Jamie tilted his head.
Rohan sighed angrily. “You won’t let me touch you. You won’t touch me.”
“I have no desire for sex, Rohan.”
“I can’t even get a hug without you flinching away from me!” Rohan drew in a deep breath. “I have left you alone. Other than the morning after… after Gray… I’ve never asked. Never assumed.” Rohan tilted his head back, at a loss. “I miss the intimacy, Jamie. I miss the kisses and the hugs and you snuggling close to me in bed. Sex is only half of it. If you could give me those… it wouldn’t be so hard to miss the rest.”
“I was afraid that giving you those would make you think I wanted more,” Jamie whispered. “I can’t give you more, Rohan. The thought of sex… the thought of you touching me in those ways? I can’t.”
Rohan sat there, silent. But Jamie could feel a mix of emotions coming off the alpha in waves. He wanted to give his mate comfort, but he didn’t know how.
“I don’t understand,” Rohan said. “Please, help me understand this. I thought we loved one another? What have I done?”
“You’ve done nothing. I do love you, I keep telling you that.”
“And you can’t even give me something as simple as a hug?”
Jamie saw the damage he was doing written in the lines of Rohan’s face and couldn’t keep the truth back any longer.
“They took my womb,” Jamie said quietly. “And when they took it, it’s as if they took my sexuality with it. The need and desire I once had? It’s gone. And I hate that it’s gone because I love you more than words can ever express.” Jamie leaned in closer and rested his head on Rohan’s shoulder. “I thought it would come back. After the treatments. After they told me I was in remission. I prayed to the gods it would come back. I wanted to be with my mate again. To have that joy and that bliss… the afterglow, lying in your arms and holding you tight. I miss it, too. I just can’t be with you in that way anymore. I’m barren… and you deserve more than an empty shell of an omega.”
“You’re not an empty shell! I know you think you were born simply to hand me children, but there is more to us than that. The love we share is more than enough—I’ve told you time and time again. You are enough. You will always be enough. Child or no child, I love you. You… not some expectation that was force-fed to you your entire life.”
Rohan leaned over slightly and pressed a kiss to Jamie’s head.
Jamie froze again, unable to stop the tensing of his body. He slid away from his alpha, needing space.
Another long sigh came from Rohan. “Fine. You need space? Time? I will give them to you. I don’t understand it, but if you think this is what you need to heal, I will give it to you. But I won’t go far. I’m right here… I will always be right here. At your side. Where I belong.”
“You would be within your rights to cast me away,” Jamie said before lifting his stare to meet Rohan’s. “An omega who refuses his alpha—you could be free of me if you chose it.”
Rohan lifted his palm to cup the side of Jamie’s face. “Never. Never. I love you too much for that.”
“You belong with someone like Gray. You two would make a fine match.”
Rohan frowned. “No… don’t say that.”
Jamie smiled. “I chose him for you.”
Rohan sat up a little straighter. “What?”
Jamie’s smile turned a bit melancholy. “Nothing.”
“No. What do you mean you chose him for me?”
“I just sensed… that you would like him. That he would be a good omega for you.”
Rohan stared, looking confused. “You’re not going anywhere. There’s no reason for you to find a replacement.”
Jamie nodded. “Of course. You’re right… forget I said anything...”
Rohan searched his face, not looking pacified. “No… I need to know what you meant by that.”
Jamie shook his head. “I just…” I cannot tell him. “I knew I couldn’t give you what you needed. I wanted to find someone who could.”
Rohan stared at him, his face swirling with a myriad of emotions. After a moment, he reached for Jamie.
Jamie backed away.
He’d sacrifice his own happiness… and a little of Rohan’s now… because later…
Later Rohan might need to find love again.
Without me.