Chapter Eighteen
After putting in a security system for Roxie, Kian was able to leave town for two days for an emergency in California. But he was back now, and he’d insisted on seeing Lily. He was trying to give Roxie some space and respect, and trying to be patient, but that certainly wasn’t a virtue for him.
Kian wouldn’t say life had been easy for him, but he’d been born with natural talent and the drive to succeed. It always seemed odd to him when others had to work so hard to make it in life. Didn’t everyone want to have all they could? Apparently not. Some just wanted to skate by. Kian wasn’t one of those people.
Now he found himself more nervous than he’d been the first time he’d held a scalpel in one hand and the life of a patient in the other. He paced around the children’s park as he waited for Roxie to show up with Lily. He wanted to tell the child she was his; he wanted the world to know he was a father. But at least he was getting to visit with her. That was a step in the right direction.
He never should have had sex with Roxie again—twice. That had opened up a whole chain of emotions he hadn’t been ready to open, and now he was even more reluctant to do what needed to be done in order for his daughter to be raised how she deserved to be. She was his daughter, and every single day she wasn’t in his home was another day he lost.
But his feelings were clouded and getting more and more mixed up in Roxie. He couldn’t stop thinking about the woman. He should be focused solely on Lily, but now he couldn’t imagine Lily without Roxie. He wanted them both.
He watched as small children climbed up ladders and slid down slides, laughing and chasing one another. Never had Kian imagined himself smiling as he sat at a park and enjoyed the warm laughter of children. His life had changed in the blink of an eye, and he wasn’t sure what to think about that.
Kian wasn’t the type of man who could easily change his type of thinking, and he was obsessing about whether or not he’d make a good parent. At one time in his life, he hadn’t hesitated to think about having kids of his own. He’d imagined Roxie and him sharing a home, her belly rounding with their child growing inside, a little girl with her eyes and hair running toward him. It had been a dream he’d been more than happy to have every single night. Until she’d left. Then that dream had turned into a nightmare.
Too restless to sit, Kian paced as he gazed from the playground to the parking lot. He was early, but he was still frustrated Roxie wasn’t there yet. A girl called out, and Kian watched as a father pushed his daughter on the swing, her legs sticking out as she called for him to go higher. The man smiled, looking happy as he bonded with his child. That should be Kian every single day.
Finally, Kian recognized the unsuitable vehicle as Roxie pulled up. He wasn’t sure if he should go over and help her or stand by and wait like he hadn’t been crawling out of his skin in anticipation of their arrival. He took too long to decide, and then he saw Roxie pulling Lily from the back seat. His little girl struggled to get down, and then Roxie was clutching her hand as she tried to wiggle away to get to the playground.
The second they came through the gate, Lily shot off like a torpedo, running with her limbs twisting in every direction as she headed straight for the ladder and began climbing. Kian wasn’t sure what to do. Panic slammed into him as he found himself holding his breath.
But Lily climbed up effortlessly, and then was shooting down the slide. She rushed back to the ladder as she instantly made friends with another girl about the same size, and they decided to race side by side down the slides again.
Roxie seemed hesitant to approach him, so Kian didn’t say anything as he kept an eye on her out of the corner of his eye while she slowly approached. His main focus was on his daughter. He couldn’t help but smile as she laughed with joy, instantly able to make friends with other kids at the park. He wanted to get her attention, but he knew this wasn’t a sprint. He didn’t want to smother her and have her be afraid of him.
Kian was anxious as he stood next to Roxie without speaking and continued watching Lily. How did parents do this? How did they not wrap their children in their arms and protect them? Lily ran fast over to the monkey bars and tripped, and he about jumped out of his skin. He moved to go to her, and Roxie placed a hand on his arm. It wasn’t enough pressure to stop him, but it did.
“She’s fine,” Roxie said in a soothing voice. And she was. Lily jumped to her feet and was off again.
“How do I do this?” he asked. It was odd, but that moment of her touch against his skin and his heart slowed; his breathing evened out.
“I was just like this the first week, afraid of everything, but I’ve learned that she’s smart and vivacious and independent. If we smother her, she gets frustrated. It will be fine,” she promised.
There was so much Kian wanted to speak to Roxie about, but this wasn’t the time or the place. They would talk, but it would be when Lily wasn’t around. Lily flew down the slide again and then came in a full-blown sprint toward them.
“Swing,” she demanded, her head turning from Roxie to him. She didn’t care which of them pushed her.
Kian grinned. “Let’s go,” he said.
She took off running to the swings, and he followed her, a smile engulfing his lips. He helped Lily up on the swing and pushed her gently. Her head swiveled around as she glared at him.
“Higher,” she demanded.
His heart pounded again, and he added a little more pressure to his push. Lily squealed with delight, and each time she launched into the air, he felt as if he could have a heart attack, but the sound of her laughter more than made up for the fear he was facing.
This was what he’d been wanting, to have a carefree afternoon with his daughter, to do this normal type of activity, to feel as if the world wasn’t continually spinning off its axis. He’d be happy to stay right where he was for the rest of his life.
Emotions he hadn’t known it was possible to feel flooded through him. His heart felt twice its normal size, and his cheeks hurt, he was grinning so much. He needed his daughter. He loved her without question, just like that.
Looking up, Kian’s gaze met Roxie’s, and for a moment, just a brief moment, she let down her guard, and the two of them shared a smile, a carefree smile as they shared their time with this amazing child. But, too quickly, Lily demanded their attention, and the connection was broken.
Could Kian have it all? Could he have the life he’d once taken for granted? And have his daughter as well? He wasn’t sure, but all of a sudden, it seemed like a real possibility. And for this small moment in time, everything in the world was right where it was supposed to be.
He felt a connection with both Roxie and Lily, but the uncertainty would be a constant. As long as he was aware of that, he’d be fine. Maybe he would finally learn to have patience. His mother always had said it was a virtue. He’d always thought that was a piece-of-crap line that those who had no goals used.
For people like him, who had to close the deal, patience was a weakness, but if he truly wanted to embrace his new role as a father, then he had to learn some new skills. The good news was that he was always up for a challenge.
“Done,” Lily yelled.
Kian stopped pushing his daughter, then tensed when she launched herself from the swing while it was too high up in the air. He took a step toward her when she rolled on the ground, but she giggled and then was up like a shot again, running over to the monkey bars.
“I don’t know how these parents seem so relaxed. I remember playing on this same type of equipment, but it didn’t seem so dangerous back then. There’s potential for bone breakage in every direction I look,” Kian complained.
“Did you ever break a bone?” Roxie asked.
“Well, yeah, but not at the playground,” he said.
“How, then?” she asked.
“I was sliding into home plate my freshman year of high school and twisted wrong, snapping my ankle,” he said. “Hurt like hell, but I was safe, so it was worth it,” he said smugly.
“Well, as long as you were safe,” Roxie told him with a chuckle.
“Of course. If I’d gotten out, I’d have been pissed,” he said. It was pretty logical to him.
Roxie laughed, and he decided right then and there, he wanted to make her laugh as often as possible. It was not only a beautiful sound, but it went straight to his gut and made his heart pound.
He’d thought he was over this woman, but he now knew he’d been living in denial. As much as he wanted to have his daughter living with him right this moment, he was having to go back to that patient word again, because now his goals were bigger. Now he found that he wanted them both.
Roxie loved Lily, and she would be an excellent mom for her. He could have his daughter and a wife. The past would always be there, but now they had more than themselves to think about. Now they had Lily, and she needed a mother and a father. They could do that together. Kian wasn’t sure how he was going to go about reaching his goals; he just knew this was too important to screw up.
Roxie would have to watch out, though, because once he set his mind on something, he wouldn’t quit until he got what he desired. And right now, he wanted Lily and Roxie.
Game on.