Chapter Eight
It was always a surreal moment when you found yourself standing beneath a hastily set-up tent with rain coming down on the other side of it and people beside you whispering words of comfort you aren’t able to process in your fuzzy brain.
Roxie wasn’t focusing on the closed box in front of her. No. That wasn’t her sister inside there. It was just a body, an empty vessel that had once held the spirit of her sister, a woman Roxie had been too selfish to get to know.
The preacher spoke words of praise of Pamela as a strong woman who loved her daughter, who’d overcome great odds to be a person others were proud of. Roxie didn’t look away from the drops of water falling on the other side of the preacher’s head.
When she squinted just right, she could slow down the motion and watch individual drops drip from the canvas and hit the ground. If only the preacher would shut up, she might be able to hear the splash.
Why wouldn’t people just be quiet? Enough had been said already.
“Are you okay?” Kian asked.
She heard his words, but even those wouldn’t process in her brain. She held Lily in her arms, clutching her tightly as she continued staring at the drops of rain. She could feel Kian’s presence, knew his hand was touching her, but she felt so disconnected. This was a dream, wasn’t it? It had to be. There was no possibility that she was at a funeral for her sister—for her beautiful niece’s mother. No. It wasn’t even in the realm of possibility.
And she didn’t even live in this town anymore. She lived in Portland. She’d left this place—left her sister, her friends, and her lover. So, Kian couldn’t be standing beside her, couldn’t be whispering words in her ear. She couldn’t be holding her niece. This was nothing more than a bad dream.
“Do you need to take a walk?” Kian asked.
Roxie tried to make her lips move, tried to figure out what it was he was saying, but she still couldn’t process it. In the back of her mind, she could hear voices. She even noticed that the preacher’s voice was no longer interrupting her focus on the water droplets, but still she couldn’t figure out what to do. It was so odd.
Her head turned the slightest bit to the side as the preacher moved, obstructing her view of the current raindrop she’d been tracking.
“Let me take Lily, sweetie,” someone said.
Everything seemed to be happening in slow motion. The man with the soft voice standing in front of her had kind eyes, she decided. But she had no idea who he was. She must have seemed confused because he gave her a gentle smile.
“I’m Sherman Armstrong, and I’ve known your family for a long time,” he told her. “I went to school with your grandpa. He was a good man.”
Her grandpa? A flash of white hair and a beard flashed through her mind, the smell of tobacco instantly invading her senses, making her bottom lip quiver. Her arms tightened, and Lily made a sound that snapped Roxie back to the present.
She shook her head and looked at Sherman, whose expression hadn’t changed. She turned and found Kian looking at her with worry. The rest of the people around them seemed nothing more than blurs. Tears finally stung her eyes as she felt her heart begin to thunder.
This wasn’t a dream. It was real. Her body began shaking.
“Can I take Lily so you can say goodbye?” Sherman asked again.
Lily looked at him and gave a shy smile while he held out his arms. Her niece leaned toward him, shocking Roxie. The traumatized little girl didn’t easily go to people, clinging instead to Roxie, which filled her heart with warmth.
Sherman pulled Lily close to him, and her niece snuggled against him as he rubbed her back in comforting strokes.
Her arms empty, Roxie turned to look at the oak box in front of her. Though she was aware this wasn’t a dream, it still didn’t feel real. She stepped forward, noting that Kian stayed by her side. His hand rested on her lower back, and though she knew she should push him away, she also realized he might be the only thing keeping her from collapsing into a heap on the wet ground.
He was lending her a quiet strength she desperately needed but was too prideful to admit she wanted. Warmth coated her cheeks before turning cold as tears descended. Kian reached up and wiped her face with a soft pressure of his fingers. That only made more tears fall.
“I’m sorry I didn’t check on her, sorry I didn’t take care of her,” Kian whispered.
Roxie realized in that moment that Kian was the reason her sister had turned her life around. Yes, there was some bitterness there, and yes, she was allowed to be mad about what had happened, but she could also appreciate that her sister had found love when she’d delivered Lily.
“You gave her Lily. You gave her purpose,” Roxie said. She meant the words.
She met Kian’s surprised gaze for only a moment before turning away from him and the casket. That wasn’t her sister, and there was no reason to stand there any longer. She cast her gaze over the small crowd of people who’d given her space to do what she needed to do.
That was when she found Sherman standing beneath a large oak tree, cradling Lily as the two of them spoke. Roxie knew for sure she’d fall over if it weren’t for Kian at her side. Later, much later, she might regret leaning so heavily on him in this moment, but for now, he was keeping her grounded.
Her thoughts stopped altogether as she listened to Sherman and Lily.
“Where’s Mommy?” Lily asked.
Sherman’s smile was so kind and full of love, Roxie couldn’t stop her tears or stop her heart from bursting. Lily was a lucky child indeed to have so many people care about her. Maybe the child hadn’t believed Kian and Roxie when they’d explained her mother was gone; maybe she needed to keep hearing it. As painful as it was for Roxie to say it over and over again, she would do whatever it took to help ease her niece’s pain. But for now, she was glad it was Sherman speaking with her.
“She wants to be here with you forever, but she’s been called to help millions of people,” Sherman told her.
“Was I bad?” Lily asked, tears falling down her sweet pink cheeks.
“Oh no, honey, you’ve never been bad,” Sherman assured her. “There are just times in our life we don’t get a choice on where we go or why.”
“I didn’t help, though, when she cried,” Lily said.
Roxie was about to completely lose control. Kian pulled her into his arms and held her as she shook uncontrollably, and he whispered that everything would be okay.
“You did help your mommy,” Sherman insisted. “You stayed safe, and you’ve been so strong. That’s what she needs and wants most.”
“I want a mommy snuggle,” Lily insisted.
“Every time you close your eyes and sleep, your mommy is holding you tight and keeping you safe,” Sherman told her.
“Why can’t she hold me when I’m awake?” Lily asked.
Sherman was quiet for a moment as he searched for the right words. Roxie was grateful Lily was asking him, because she didn’t have the answers and was afraid she’d traumatize Lily even more than she already was.
“If you are really missing your mommy, then all you have to do is close your eyes and picture her arms around you, and she will be right there with you,” Sherman finally said.
“When I open them, will she still be there?” Lily asked with a hope that was tragic.
“She can’t be there when your eyes are open,” he said quietly as he wiped away her tears.
“But she was there in the hospital when I opened my eyes. Then she was gone again,” Lily said.
A chill ran through Roxie at Lily’s statement. She hadn’t said anything about this in the two weeks she’d been in the hospital.
“Maybe she needed to give you love and tell you goodbye for a little while,” Sherman said.
“Is that mean man going to come back?” Lily asked so quietly Roxie nearly missed the words. This time it was a cold chill that traveled down her spine. She felt Kian’s body tense against hers.
“No, honey, we will all keep him away,” Sherman said, his voice still calm, but Roxie could hear the fury running through him, as it was through all of them.
“Okay,” Lily said as she snuggled trustingly closer to Sherman. “I don’t want to be alone.”
“And you won’t be,” he promised.
Both of them were silent as the tears slowly stopped dripping from Lily’s eyes. She looked over Sherman’s shoulder and spotted Roxie and gave her the sweetest smile; Roxie’s knees grew weak again.
“Auntie,” she said, almost on a sigh.
Kian released her so she could step up to Sherman and gratefully take Lily back into her arms. Lily smiled at her as she lifted her tiny hand up and cupped Roxie’s cheek.
“I love you so much,” Roxie told her.
“Love you,” Lily said before leaning forward and kissing Roxie’s cheek.
Roxie looked at Kian, whose face was full of pain as he gazed at Lily. Fear and protectiveness filled Roxie. She couldn’t let Kian take Lily away. They needed each other too much.
“I want to go home,” Roxie said.
“Okay,” Kian said.
The four of them walked silently from the graveyard, and Roxie then thanked Sherman before climbing into Kian’s truck and allowing him to take her and Lily home. It wasn’t far, so she sat in the back and held on tightly to Lily, unable to let her go right now.
Kian walked her up to the door, and she knew he wanted to come in, but she couldn’t take anything else on this day.
“I need you to go now because I can’t discuss anything, Kian. Please give me more time?” she begged.
“How much more?” he asked. It wasn’t easy for Kian to take a vague answer. That much hadn’t changed in the years she’d been without him.
“I don’t know,” she admitted.
There was frustration in his eyes, but she had to give him a small amount of credit for the step he took backward, for the space he was allowing her.
“Goodbye for now, Roxie,” he said. His eyes dipped down momentarily to look at her lips, but he jerked his gaze away and said nothing else as he turned and walked away.
Roxie was so confused, she wasn’t sure if she was happy about that or not. It didn’t matter what she felt; she knew she’d made the right decision. She needed space and time. She might never be able to find enough of either.