I WAKE TO WARMTH wrapped around me, a tight squeeze holding me close to a bare chest. Smirking, I remember where I am and who I’m with. Last night was incredible. We played music together, we laughed, we touched. Gosh, did we touch. All night, my hands roamed his body, avoiding the stiffness between his legs, because I knew it could get me in trouble. But his skin, it was soft and strong and some areas were covered in intricate tattoos.

When I finally had my feel, he whispered against my skin from head to toe, lyrics and songs—praise over my womanly curves and the way it makes him feel. He compared me to the forbidden fruit and for a second I felt guilty, but he hushed those thoughts with even more words of poetry. He’s changing me and I don’t even know how or why, but I like it.

“Mhmm, is it really time for me to go?” Ben wakes with a groggy voice, it moves through my body like a streak of lightening.

“I know, but yes, you do have to. I have to study. Reality calls.” In less than a month I have my graduation and even though I’m sure I know everything I need to for finals, I still want to be prepared for anything I may have missed.

“Yeah, it does.” As he kisses the top of my shoulder his tongue moves against my flesh with each one. We stay silent for a little bit, knowing that the goodbye is closing in on us.

“So what now, Ben?”

“What do you mean?” Examining each of his fingers in my hands, I stay distracted.

“You know. What do we do now?” He sighs and my eyes flutter closed. The overwhelming need to cry is strong and I’m afraid I won’t be able to handle him leaving.

“I’ll be gone for three weeks, then I have two days off, then I’m gone again for a month. Touring is crazy busy right now.” I feel the sting bite my nose and the water begins to puddle in my eyes and without catching myself, I sniffle. Almost instantly I regret when he hears me.

“Baby, are you crying?” He turns me and I roll over willingly, nodding my head in response as I wipe away the sneaky tears that gave me away. In a flash his brown eyes are staring down on me, as he towers over me with both his hands on each side of my head. His arms extend out and I hold onto them, wanting to feel his skin in my hands.

“Hey, don’t cry.” The connection we’ve built in just a short few days has grown close to my heart and the thought of his absence gets to me.

“I know. It’s just—I didn’t know that I could build a bond like this or feel this way with someone so perfect.” My chest caves as I whimper—unrestrained.

“I’m not perfect, baby, and I know, I feel the same way, but I promise this is just the beginning. These last beautiful, perfect fucking days are just the beginning.” Our lips touch and our tongues stroke along one another. I feel him closing in on me, pulling me into his quicksand.

With one hand he reaches between us and grabs my thigh. Pulling it up and out, he settles between my spread legs.

“Mhmmm,” I moan into his hot mouth as it ravishes me. My hands between us begin to claw at his lower stomach and he starts to grind against me, his hips rolling like a smooth wave.

The room beings to feel warm, the exchanging of body heat dampening our skin. I feel Ben inside me almost, inching through my bloodstream like water moves through tight spaces.

“Ben, we should stop…I can’t, oh.” He lightly bites down on my ear and I lose my words. I see little white spots dancing in my vision as I fight to keep my eyes on the ceiling. I know I can’t keep doing this to him—have him take care of me while I leave him high and dry. It isn’t right, but oh does it feel amazing.

“Ben, I have to stop. I don’t want to keep doing this to you and it’s wrong. This is wrong.” Finally, for the first time in days, my moral compass points me north and I stop us.

“Fuck.” He lets out a hot breath against my neck, stilling his hips in the process. I feel a tinge of guilt eat at me and my embarrassment spikes. Stopping us because I want to stay pure before marriage isn’t very common in this day and age, especially in a rock star’s world. Ben is surrounded by beautiful women every night who would give up anything for him in a heartbeat—I’m inadequate.

“Fuck, you’re right. Shit, sorry, Sade.” Pushing up and back he stands from the bed, turning his back to me with his hands clasped together behind his head. I watch, uneasy, as he takes a few breaths. I shouldn’t expect him to understand me or change who he is, either.

I don’t want Ben to leave me and go to anyone else. We’ve only just begun getting to know one another and it’s been remarkable and passionate. I don’t want that to end because I can’t give him sex. I search my brain for words, thinking over and over again about what I could give him that would make it worth him staying for a little while longer.

“Don’t think less of me. I know it’s uncommon—being a virgin ‘till marriage, but it’s what I want…”

“Sade, angel, I don’t think less of you. I just needed a second.” Now facing me, his erection’s gone and his bare chest is rising with heavy breaths. I appreciate this sincerity, but it’s probably his attempt at making me feel less like a moron.

“I…” Rethinking my choice of words, I pause. What I’m wanting to say is one hundred percent me and the whole truth of how I feel about him. It can be good or bad, who’s to know, but how can I not try to find one reason for us to continue whatever this is?

“I know I can’t give you what those other women can give you, but I can offer you something better.” Swallowing, I embrace him with a look. Here it goes. “I can give you my heart.” A hush sound passes between us, the only movement is his chest caving and his expression softening.

“You should be careful giving me that heart, Sadie.” Grabbing my hands in a fist, he brings my palms to his bare chest. I nearly stop breathing as he surrounds me in the realest moment I’ve ever been in. I just offered my heart to a stranger, offered my love for the first time in my life. I’m both thrilled that I found him, yet scared because I’m now in a place where my heart can break at the hands of the world’s biggest heartbreaker.

“Why?”

“Because I don’t know how I will ever let you take it back—I’ve told you this. When I walk out that door today, you’re mine, we’re a thing and that means you don’t get to push me out when shit gets rough.”

“It’s already rough, don’t you think?” Honestly, we’re a recipe for disaster, and him and I are both openly admitting it and laying our fresh wounds out to one another to catch fresh salt.

“Yeah, baby it is.” We fall into silence.

Ending it there, we both let whatever this is hang in the balance. I’ll let this play out, trust in myself and pray that the Lord will keep me. That he’ll make sense of this all.

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