SADIE DIDN’T DESERVE THE blackness that overtook me, the rage I showed was uncalled for. Shit, I don’t know how to take her coming on tour with me. Giving up her internship that promises her a full-time paid job and a golden star on her nursing school application may be the one thing I feel most guilty over.
She works tirelessly and lives for nursing, but I’m selfish for her to only focus on me. I can’t overcome my past and addiction without her by my side—I just can’t.
Outside our balcony, I take a drag of my cigarette while she packs her bags for the next three-month leg of our tour. I’ll admit, even between the guilt and the hard shit we’re gonna face the next few months, I find comfort in knowing I’ll at least have her by my side.
Putting the bud out in my ashtray, I step back in and head toward the bedroom. I hear the faint sounds of Sadie sniffling making me halt outside the bedroom door.
“I know. Yes, I know that I won’t be able to get the internship back.” My heart beats out of my chest. Fuck, I knew this would hurt her.
“I know, Dr. Bailer. I thank you so much for this opportunity. I do. Yes, thank you. Okay, bye.” She hangs up and I peek my head around the door. I watch as she drops her head in her hands and sobs. I think about going in there and comforting her, but the second my feet set into motion, my phone in her hand rings. Releasing a deep breath, she answers.
“Hey, mama.”I hear the faint sound of her mother’s concerned voice on the other line.
“I know, mama, but I have to do this. He needs me and I need him.” She pauses.
“No, please, this is what I have to do. I can’t sacrifice us more than what we have. No—stop. Mama, I can’t talk about it, my mind is made up and it’s done with. I’m leaving with him.” I want to know what she’s saying, but from what I can hear, I can get the gist.
“I can find another job when he’s sober and off drugs. He can’t just walk away from the band, the industry is hard to get into. Can you and papa respect that—for me?” I don’t blame them, shit, I don’t respect my fucking self for making her choose this.
“Papa, God made marriage for it to last forever. He put me here to love Ben and what we have means more than anything. You and mama have to let me do this.”
Her parents must really think I’m the scum of the earth and honestly, even I think I am. I’m not deserving of Sadie. My touch is dangerous, my love can be poisonous, and I know without a doubt in my mind that Sadie could do much better than me, but where do I even try to begin letting her go? The thought alone of losing her makes me murderous. I wouldn’t be able to walk this earth if another man had her after I’ve tainted her.I couldn’t survive without her.
“I know you love Ben, papa, and that’s why you need to let me do this. I want to have a happy life with him and if I don’t fight now and walk away, I may regret it more than anything ever in my life. God gave me this trial because he knew that no matter what, I was strong enough to fight it.” Her naive innocence in God, is saddening and beautiful all at once.
Sadie still preaches her love for God even though she is lying in bed each night with a sinner. Her cross is heavy with me on her shoulders, and that only makes my want to overcome my drug use that much more. Sadie may be doing this to save me, but I’m doing this to keep her. The selfless loves the selfish.
“I will call you and FaceTime you on the road. I’ll be back once a month with Ben to visit. I love you guys.” They share goodbyes and I watch her hang up and cry again. She’s giving up her aspirations, her family, her friends, and so much of herself to come be with me—how can she even stand the sight of me?
I don’t walk in when she’s crying, deciding to make it easier on her. Approaching her when she’s like this will only make her worry for me more. She will feel guilty and over explain herself, thinking I’ll need it. I don’t need her to do anything else for me, she’s already done way too much. I wait and she eventually stops crying before disappearing into our bathroom.
“Baby?”
Clearing her throat, she responds. “I’m in the bathroom. I’ll be right out.” I start putting some more of my things in an extra suitcase. Hearing the sink turn on and off, she comes out a second later and her sight takes my breath away. Her hair is in a braid hanging down one shoulder, her big blue eyes are striking and her face is a little red from crying. I stare at her while she packs and avoids my gaze.
“The bus will be here in an hour.”
“Perfect, do you want me to pack more of your hats or shoes?” she questions moving to the closet.
“Yeah, some more hats and another pair of my black chucks.”
“Sounds good, I need to run to the pharmacy really quick. I need to pick up some things. Will you be good while I’m gone?” Zipping her bag, she still doesn’t make eye contact with me.
“Yes, of course.” Rounding the bed, I bring her in my arms and I don’t feel any resistance. Instead she clings to me, letting me know that I’m her only hope and I better not let her down.
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