SHARING MY PAST WITH Sadie was liberating. I no longer feel like these secrets are mine to keep. Now that she knows, they aren’t weighing me down as hard as they were before. Not only does she know now, but she made it feel better—she made me feel like me still having a fucking heartbeat instead of my mother was for a purpose. One my mother had planned.

You’re her legacy, Ben.

How profound, how perfect are those words to maybe not completely take away the rage or the guilt, but to help it feel a little less cancerous. The entire car ride to the grocery store to get some pie, she sang every song on the radio without a care, absentmindedly checking her phone or watching people as they passed.

Sadie thinks I asked her to marry me because I’m an emotional wreck, but she has no idea that I want her as mine for good. I know it’s only been three weeks, but time cannot define who we are or the love that we have built. Never in the history—and I will stand by this—has a love like this, between the two unlikeliest of people, happened as fast and as willingly as ours has.

I never wanted love, thought it was for complete morons, but with Sadie, she makes the idea of love and marriage sound like gold in a world full of coal. She’s the treasure I’ve searched for, the home I’ve been dying to find, and in just three weeks of having her, I found all that and much more—I learned that there is still a place inside me to love and to accept love.

“Mama is gonna kick my butt when she sees I brought a store bought pie.” Sadie turns down the radio as we pull into the parking lot of the local grocer.

“Oh, yeah?” Climbing out, we meet at the back of the car and I take her hand in mine. Bringing it to my lips, I give the back side a long open mouth kiss, biting the skin before releasing it back between us.

“Ouch, and yeah, she taught me how to bake and always says that the store stuff is all preservatives.”

“Agreed, but time got away from us.”

“I know and Kate and I were supposed to do it, but we got to talking about Eric and forgot. Um, Ben?” I look down at her while I grab a hand-basket. She takes it from me and the image of us is domesticated. I like it.

“Yes?”

“Did you know Eric is into um, B—crap what was it called? BD—BD.”

“BDSM?” I end her torture knowing exactly what she’s talking about.

“Yeah, that.” She doesn’t focus on me as her eyes roam over the different pies laid out in front of her, but I see the slight blush on her cheeks.

“It’s a fetish, a form of sex.” Reaching my hand lower down her back, I smack her ass then give it a little squeeze after. They way that juicy ass jiggles against my hand awakens the typical fucking man in me. I’ve seen that tight little thing and I know when I finally get to have it, I’m going to spend my days worshiping it. I’m an ass and tits man and Sadie is spilling over with both.

Leaning in her ear I lower my voice, careful to not scare off the elderly locals with my crudeness. “Lots of spankings and handcuffs and lots of pleasurable pain.” Bending, I squeeze her ass once more and leave her completely flustered.

“I’m gonna go grab some candy. Meet me at the register.” I slap her ass and walk away, leaving her stunned into silence. I’ll teach her all about sex. I’ll show her all the ways I can love her body. Any fetish she wants to try, she just has to ask. Eric is into the BDSM thing, me on the other hand, not as much. The occasional handcuffs, ass smacking and hair pulling is fine, but other than that, I just like good old dirty talking sex.

I grab a few things for later and grab one thing I was seeking out, something for Sadie that she can’t say no to. Meeting her at the register, I check us out while she takes a call from her mother. I hear her telling her we’re on our way and that we had lost track of time. I get all my items in the bag and walk us to the car just as she ends the call.

“So do you like that stuff?”

She brings up the BDSM thing again and I spend the rest of the car ride telling her what it is and explaining why Eric does that shit. It turned her on, seeing how curious she was and how fascinated by the entire concept she became, but still seeming put off by it in the slightest. I think that she’s worried about Kate, though, more than anything. That is a Sadie thing to do—worry about everyone and everything—it’s just who she is.

§

“If they hate me, I still get to keep you, right?” Walking in the front door I smell a delicious home cooked meal and my mouth salivates instantly. I haven’t had a home cooked meal in weeks.

“My parents don’t hate anyone, but yes, if they don’t like you, you can keep me. I make my own decisions.” She winks at me and I shake my head. So sassy. Taking my hand she leads me into the kitchen.

“Mama, papa, we’re here,” she announces us as we step into view. Setting the table, Stanley stops and faces us with a warm smile and Raydeen wipes her wet hands on the towel hanging from her apron.

“Ben, how lovely to meet you in person!” Her mom greets me first, giving me a gentle hug.

“Yes, she has told us a lot about you, son. Come on in and have a seat. Ray is almost done with the food.” Her father shakes my hand and doesn’t show an ounce of hostility. They’re the embodiment of sweet southern charm and at first it’s off putting. It’s the type of setting I’m not accustomed to.

“It’s nice to meet you guys. Thanks for having me over for dinner.” I follow her dad and she stays with her mom, helping her prep the last few things before they bring them to the table. Sadie lost her shoes and now stands barefoot helping her mother out with a smile on her beautiful face. Looking at her brings me clarity. I want this. I want a home with her happy and smiling. But the question is, can I give her that?

I’m not cured, not even close. And no way in hell can that happen overnight, but still I want to try for her. Sadie settles in next to me and surprisingly my nerves slowly fade away the more we talk and become familiar with one another.

I see instantly where Sadie’s kindness comes from—her acceptance for others. With every laugh or question they ask, you notice a genuine interest from both her parents. I’d be lying if for just a brief moment, I didn’t feel jealous over the fact that I never had this life.

My home was always peaceful when it was my mother and I alone, but it became a nightmare every time my father stepped foot back inside. I do my best for the rest of dinner to not wear my thoughts on my face and enjoy the small talk, paying close attention to the way they all finish each other’s sentences and constantly beam at their pride and joy—Sadie.

“Sadie tells us you got her to sing in front of you. That’s pretty impressive, she doesn’t even take solos in the church choir. Her mama and I are the only ones who really hear her sing.”

“Yeah, I did. She has an incredible voice, like an angel.” Blushing, she drops her head acting modest. I lean in and kiss her cheek, whispering ‘beautiful’ against the shell of her ear.

“You’re beautiful,” she whispers back, giving me a soft kiss on the lips and sealing our bond with just one look of solitude. I linger in the moment until we notice the silence around us. Looking back between her parents, they both stare at us with smiles plastered in place.

“Sorry, I can’t help myself.”

“No, no it’s fine. I’m just not used to seeing Sadie in love.” Stanley looks to Raydeen. “I think we like you a lot, don’t we Ray?”

“We sure do and you’re welcome over anytime!”

“Thank you, that’s very kind.”

“Anytime. Now how about some dessert and then Ben, I’m dying to hear you and Sadie Jay sing together.” Her mother stands and collects the plates, while I stand to help Sadie with the dishes.

“Not so bad are they?” Sadie nudges my arm. We’re alone for the first time since we got here at the kitchen sink, granting us privacy.

“No, not at all. I really like your parents. They’re definitely more accepting than the average.” Handing me a wet plate to dry, she nods.

“They’re kinda the best, but I could just be biased.”

“You could be,” I tease.

“Hush.” With the flick of her wrist she splashes me with some water.

“Don’t you dare declare a water war on me woman, because I’ll soak you in front of your parents.” Her parents’ voices carry from the living room as they make small talk.

“Mama and Papa would help me kick your butt and then you’ll be crying all the way home with a broken ego.”

“You sassy little shit. If you bruise my ego, you’ll just have to stroke it better.”

“My heck, Ben!” With another splash, I give into a water fight right in the middle of the kitchen. Bubbles fly and water douses our clothes and covers the floor with in a matter of seconds.

“Alright kids!” Ray enters the kitchen first, breaking us up with a smirk and shake of her head. “You two clean this up or I’ll separate you both.” Stan takes a stand behind her and assesses our mess. Sadie and I look like kids who got scolded, standing here drenched in the aftermath of yet another playful fight.

It’s a weird, almost adolescent feeling, being in a kitchen covered in water and bubbles with the woman I love while her parents play along. Teasing, playing and showing and abundance of happiness as if we lived a life of suburban normalcy. This was not something I was ever able to do in my home. At twenty two I feel young again, a fresh bout of wished for childhood nirvana.

“Sorry mama, we will.” Sadie throws the hand towel at me and I catch it on the chest, completely paralyzed by how safe I feel in this home—with this family. I envied it for so long and now I’m caught up in one of its most sacred moments.

“Yeah, sorry. Your daughter has a habit of ruining every damn shirt I own.” I finally come out of it and find my words.

“Oh really! You started it and water doesn’t ruin your shirt, dork.”

“No, but you get your little southern sass going and I can’t help but call your bluff. Put your money where your sass is, baby.”

“Whatever, work on that floor or I’ll sass you more than your little heart can handle.” Leaning in, I grab her waist and pull her into me, extremely turned on by her sassy mouth and the way she challenges me. I plant a wet kiss on her plump lips, unfazed by our audience.

“My oh my, you two. Clean up so we can watch a movie.” Her father breaks us up and I pull away, leaving her wide eyed and breathless.

“I shut that sass right up,” I whisper.

“Whatever helps you sleep at night.” she murmurs, with a hand on her still quivering lip.

§

The action movie we decided on rolls by quickly, but my eyes stay glued on Sadie turned into me as she’s wraps around me like a vine, her closed eyes and slightly agape lips giving her an innocent look. I could stare at her in this state for fucking hours and run my hands through her silky blonde hair.

“Just like her mama, I tell ya.” Peering up, I look to the other side of the sectional where Ray is fast asleep against Stan’s side, his hands playing with her hair.

“She’s a great woman and so is Sadie—it only makes sense.” Sadie shifts from the vibrations in my voice, snuggling deeper into me. The warmth of her plush curves against my body envelopes me.

“When her mother got cancer, I was terrified I wouldn’t be able to look at her, let alone be around her. It was like looking at a reflection of Ray, and the thought that I would lose my wife crushed me. I didn’t know how I would look at Sadie and not break down every time.”

I know loss and how its nasty disease kills you from the inside out without any way to stop it or slow it down and all you can do is hope to survive it. When my mother died, I lived with her memory, still do, hence my fucked-up lifestyle. So I could only imagine what his pain would have been like.

“Then the Lord helped me see that if I lost Ray, Sadie Jay would be a reminder of all the perfect things that made Ray beautiful. She wouldn’t be a reminder of what I lost, but better yet a reminder of all the greatest things that I shared with her.”

“She’s perfect, sir.” I’m not sure why he feels comfortable enough to share something this private, but I don’t complain, it softens me up.

“You love my daughter?” With a quick shift in gears, he nails me to a wall with a simple question. I know the answer, sure more than ever that I love Sadie, but I debate what to say to him. The privacy over my feelings for Sadie is something I’m not ready to share with anyone but her. However, if marrying Sadie is what I want to fucking happen, I might as well tell him exactly how I feel.

“I do. She silences them.” I keep my eyes focused on the angel against me, the only belief I ever had in a heaven.

“Silences who?”

“The fucking demons inside me.” The way Sadie is able to get me to open up about all the issues I deal with, and the way I feel comfortable around her parents to do that also, is beyond me.

“We all have demons, son. But it’s all about the choices we make and how we handle those demons.”

“I was never able to find a reason to hide them, but then I met Sadie. Three weeks was all it took for me to know that I want her.” Bringing my eyes back to Stan, I let them linger with purpose. This is it, the moment where he will either accept Sadie and I for what we have or it will have my ass kicked to the curb.

“Son?” He picks up on what I’m saying and my strong lingering gaze. “Are you trying to tell me something?”

“Yes, I am. I want to marry Sadie. I’ve never wanted anything more than my next breath and she is it. Can I marry your daughter, Stan?” I watch his face grow impassive, giving no sign of what he’s thinking. My hand in Sadie’s hair stills and I stare down at her, no longer able to keep my eyes on him because I need her strength.

“I don’t believe in God and I know that may never change, but I can love her, sir. I can make her happy. I can give her what no faith, no religion and no prayer can. I can give her my love and spend forever becoming deserving of hers.”

Planting a kiss on her forehead, I keep my lips there, my eyes closed and my heart pouring out of what I once thought was broken. I would be dumb to walk away from Sadie just because I used to be the playboy who believed in love being for everyone else. But fuck me, I tripped right into the arms of the most beautiful melody who just so happened to be everything I found unreal.

A girl, a cross and a pure heart. Three things I want more than the very breath I take.

“Wow. That’s one heck of a proposal, son. I’ll tell you this. If you can wake up beside her in the morning and still see all those things, when her eyes are still fresh with sleep and her morning breath, then I’ll think about it.” He turns this into something humerous, reacting the same way Sadie did—like I’m having a lapse in judgement.

I smirk, knowing exactly what she looks like when she first opens her eyes and it’s fucking perfect. There’s humor over the fact that this is his bargain, what an easy bargain for the ultimate prize.

“Think all you want, but I love her and I want her to be my girl. I’m gonna marry her, sir.”

“Man, you’re stubborn, just like she said. At least you’re honest.” He slowly stands and Raydeen stirs a little as he picks her up.

“I’m getting her to bed. You’re welcome to stay in the guest bedroom. You be a gentleman now, Ben.” With that he leaves and I stare at Sadie for what feels like hours, until my eyes can’t stay open any longer. But before I close my eyes, I take one of my orange candy rings and place it on her wedding finger, because tomorrow, my girl and I are going to run off like two kids in love, with no idea what’s ahead of us and get married.

§