SITTING IN A CHAIR outside on the balcony, I take a long drag of the devil’s stick. The smoke fills my lungs, burning deep until I release it again. The sun should be rising in just a few hours and I can’t close my eyes. I don’t want to sleep. I don’t want to do anything other than wait for Sadie to wake up so I can make love to her again.

I’m an addict of all things, my compulsive behavior to latch onto something is inevitable. I’m itching for a drag of weed to calm me down, my fists are pain free from the lack of fights recently. Three cigarettes and five orgasms later, I’m still craving something.

Sadie.

My phone interrupts the silence and I reach into my pants pocket to pull it out. Seeing Eric’s name, I pick up.

“What’s up, man?”

“Hey, I have Lars here. He’s selling me some new shit, you want a hit or no? You can pay me back later.” I bite my lip and take a drag of my cigarette, looking over my shoulder to check if Sadie is still asleep. The lights are still off, so I answer, keeping my voice low.

“Yeah, get me a bag.” The exact thing we are fighting over is snaking its way back in.

“Alright, bro. See you tomorrow at the show. You bringing Sadie?”

“I think so, if she wants to come.”

“Alright, Kate will be there so she’ll most likely come. See you then, dude.”

“Alright man, bye.”

If Sadie had any idea that I just bought drugs on the balcony of our apartment, she would snap and my ass would be done for. I hate lying to her, I really do, but I can’t just stop—I’m an addict—and like I told her, that doesn’t mean I don’t want to try, it’s just not as easy as snapping your fingers.

Sure, I’ve gotten myself into some not so good situations when I’m high, but maybe if I can stop doing that, she’ll be okay with me getting high on the bus or in the privacy of our home.I do admit, however, that there is no rhyme or reason or excuse for my cocaine use.

I take my last drag for the night and finally get my ass to bed. Tomorrow I have a shit-ton of ass kissing to do and a hometown show.

§

I wake to the smell of bacon and the sound of rain from our open window. I’m used to Arizona summers, so these occasional rainy Portland summer days are throwing me off. I only moved here a little over a year ago and with being on the road for seven months out of this year, I haven’t really adjusted to the change.

Climbing out of bed, I open my top drawer and slip on some sweats before heading in search of Sadie. I stretch and yawn all the way down the hall, my body sore and my eyes heavy. It’s only nine, meaning I got maybe four hours of sleep.

Coming into the living area I watch Sadie read her bible while she lets the bacon fry a little, flipping it sporadically. Her hair is in a wild bun on her head, little hairs falling out and touching where the rose in her cheeks color. She’s wearing my shirt, the sleeves too long for her and covering almost all of her hands. I see the bottom of her sweet little ass and I want to bite it.

“Cause me to hear thy loving kindness in the morning; for in thee do I trust: cause me to know the way wherein I should walk; for I lift up my soul unto thee.” I listen to her read, the words making me remorseful. She’s praying about what she should do, she’s putting her faith in God because she’s not strong enough to make the choice on her own.

Tilting her head to check on the bacon, I see her eyes storming as she thinks about what she read.

“Quicken me, O Lord, for thy name’s sake: for thy righteousness’ sake bring my soul out of trouble.” I say aloud and she jumps a little, startled by my presence. I know that scripture very well, my mother used to read Psalms repeatedly, especially after dad would beat on us. She thought that holy book had the answers she needed, but it never did.”

“Ben, you scared me.” She turns toward me with her hand above her heart. My eyes travel up the length of her creamy, thick toned legs and end on her baby blues. “How did you know that scripture?” she questions tilting her head, eyeing me over.

“Mom used to read that one. She constantly asked God to save her from trouble. Too bad he never did.” My words hurt her and she wears the evidence on her saddened face.

“Oh, yeah.” Dropping her head, she turns back to cooking. I take a place at the bar top and watch her.

“You’re reading that because you think he’ll fix me, Sadie, and he won’t. Just remember that.” She shakes her head, not responding to my dick comment. In fact, she acts as if I never fucking said it.

“Breakfast is almost ready.”

“Thank you.” Like that, we dance around the elephant in the room.

We eat in silence while she continues reading her scriptures and eating her eggs. I check my phone, scratching down some lyrics in my notes. Sadie makes little noises as she reads and I smile, loving the small things that make her who she is.

“What are your plans today?” I place my hand on her thigh and squeeze gently, placing my phone down.

“I’m going to do some laundry and clean up, that’s all for now. What about you?”

“I’ll help you around the house, then I have to go to sound check at four. Doors open at six tonight, you gonna come?” I bait her, leaning in and kissing her cheek.

“Yeah, sure, I’ll come.” She smirks then marks her place in the bible. Shutting it, she stands and collects our plates.

“I’m gonna shower. I’ll be back in a few minutes.” She leaves and I watch her swaying hips disappear down the hall. I take that shit as an invite.

§

“Run, baby run. Pack your bags and I’ll take you far away. Don’t look back, you’re gonna drown here if you stay.” I sing in the mic, testing out my ear piece.

Eric is to the left on his guitar, messing with tuning, Jason is with his bass, and JJ is on his drums. When everything sounds about right, we start playing the first couple versus of each song. Sadie had to run some errands before she got here, meaning I could take a few puffs from the new shit Eric bought. I only smoked enough to take off the edge I’ve been feeling since my last high.

We already have some groupies hanging out in the crowd, all of them friends with the crew. I see the way they all have their tits out, tons of make up on, bleached out hair and valley tans. No souls left as they desperately wait for their ticket out.

“Nick, turn up my ear piece, it’s too quiet on track three. The guitar sounds too loud.” I fix my piece and hear the familiar sounds of Kate announcing herself. Looking out in the slightly empty crowd, I see her and Sadie walking in. Sadie’s hair is a perfect wavy mess and she’s wearing skinny black ripped jeans with her boots, looking every bit the badass rocker wife.

All morning we cleaned, fucked a little, cleaned some more, then fucked again. I don’t think I have anything left in me to give, until I see her walking in looking like that. She’s wearing my band’s logo on her black boyfriend tee that she has tied in a knot at the left bottom side, showing me a little bit of her tan hip bone and stomach.

She isn’t totally excited to be here, I see it in her eyes. We both know we’re nowhere near better and if she knew about the blunt I smoked thirty minutes ago, we would be worse off.

“Alright, that’s good, let’s go on back to the dressing room and get you guys ready.” Nick gathers us up and I look down at Sadie. “Come to the back, babe.” She nods and I head back.

She comes walking in a few seconds later. All the guys greet her as I change out of my sweaty sound check clothes. Slipping on my leather pants, I leave my shirt off and take my ear piece out of my ear, letting it hang loose around my neck.

“Hey baby, did you get everything done?” She nods and returns my quick peck.

“Mama and papa want to come to the show tonight. You think we can have them side stage?” I nod, looking to Nick.

“Yeah, we can do that. Just have them come to this back door and I’ll bring them.” I make work on my hair as Nick talks to her. I watch her closely as she takes a seat and stares at her phone.

“Dude, that one chick I fucked last time is stage five clinging right now. She showed up outside,” JJ says next to me and we all laugh.

“Don’t know why, your dick can’t be that good. But hey, never say no to round two with some sluts,” I say, punching his arm and looking back to Sadie. She just smiles and shakes her head.

“Can we get some music in here?” I holler toward Nick. A few seconds later “Bohemian Rhapsody” Panic! at the Disco version, comes through the speakers.

“Oh fuck yeah.” The boys and I join in a circle and I take the lead. “I’m just a poor boy, I need no sympathy.” The rest of my boys join in and we start fucking around, hitting high notes and shooting the shit until it’s show time.

Placing my red blazer on, we make our way out and down the hall toward the venue stage. Sadie’s hand is in mine as she follows a few steps behind me. I drink the rest of my beer, taking off the rest of my show jitters.

“Kiss, baby.” Turning to her, I give her a kiss, my tongue moving against hers. I don’t like simple with her, I like full on taste. I need it on my tongue while I perform.

“Good luck, handsome.” She smiles, but it doesn’t reach her eyes. I know she’s still teetering on the edge of what to do. She wants the space, but I don’t. I won’t lose Sadie. I will fight to keep her, fight with everything I have.

“Yes, good luck, son.” Ray says kissing my cheek and Stanley shakes my hand. I’m the piece of shit man these two prayed Sadie would never love, yet they somehow love and accept me like their own. I don’t want to lose any of them—I won’t lose any of them.

“Thanks guys, love you baby.” One last kiss and I make my way out. The low lights and building interlude get my heart rate kicking into overdrive, the thrill of performing brewing inside me.

Taking a sip of my water I keep by the drum set, I take a long sip and smirk up at JJ. The fast beat electronic song ends and the first notes to “Run, Baby, Run” start. Grabbing the mic, I begin my set.

“How the fuck are ya, Portland!” The crowd roars and I feel the high begin. This is the shit I live for.

§