Last Week Of Tour

I CAME BACK TO the bus when Nick came and got me, that’s when he told me Ben didn’t come back to the bus after the show. Instantly, I knew he was most likely out finding drugs or looking for another bar fight. It’s in his nature to rely and fall back on all the things that make him complicated and cause him a life of distress.

We haven’t talked since I sent him my last message and I plan to keep it that way, only speaking if we have to. He sleeps in the bunks and I stay in the back bedroom of the bus. All last week he disappeared after shows, sneaking in at late hours of the night. What he is doing, I don’t know, who he is mostly liking sleeping with, is beyond me and it only makes me sick to think about it.

Mama and Papa know about the baby and they were thrilled; worried about me being on the road and pregnant, but thrilled. I didn’t tell them about Ben and I, afraid I would crush their happy moment. I especially left out the part about where I have given up on my faith and any hope that God was listening.

My faith has been questioned. For the first time ever, I think God forgot about me. Maybe it’s punishment for loving the man made of sin or the fact that I married the man who tested my faith all together. Regardless, in just one week we will be over for good. The papers will be filed and I will be divorced at age nineteen. In just a week, I will lose my best friend, my husband, the one man that I will never be able to replace.

I’m tired, I’m over being on a bus with four rock stars and zero female interaction. This tiny bed in the back of the bus is giving me a severe case of cabin fever. I miss Kate, I miss my mama and papa, I miss nursing—I miss Ben.

Grabbing a shirt from Ben’s suitcase, one I can drown in comfortably, I pull off my sundress. Removing my bra, I throw it in the hamper. Before I get the shirt on, Ben walks in, causing me to jump and cover my chest with my hands.

“You scared me.” He eyes my body up and down and for a split second I forget I’m pregnant. His eyes stay fixated on my stomach, the tiniest bloat where our baby is growing, enough to take notice, but only if you look close enough. I’m not sure how far along I am, my first appointment isn’t until next week, but I’m far enough to see the slightest change in my body.

“Sorry.” I grab the top and slide it on quickly hiding the evidence of our child. Evidence of the one person that I love more than anything—but to him, the innocent child who ended us. How could our baby be the cause of our marriage to end? Shouldn’t we have built a bond so unique that it should have brought us closer together?

I never thought a child would be anything but a blessing until I became pregnant with Ben’s.

“No, it’s okay. We’re gonna head to dinner, want to come?”

“No, I’m ready for bed and I’m not feeling well, thanks though.” Climbing into bed, I bury myself in the heap of blankets, the cool sheets feeling nice against my overly heated skin.

“I can bring you back something, you’re both probably hungry.” That’s the first time he has referred to the baby and I.

“No, I’ll just order some pizza or something. Have fun with the guys.” I feel the tears forming in my already swollen tired eyes and I badly wish I could make us better, but he has made it very clear that our child is not something he wants. As a mother, I choose our child above anyone or anything but it still hurts to be losing him.

“Alright, call me if you need me.”

“Yeah.” With those vague words that hold more meaning then lengthy ones, he leaves.

My eyes begin to drift closed, heavy from all my crying, when my phone goes off. I debate answering it for a long while when I see ‘Mama’ on the screen. I widen my tired eyes and put on an effortless looking smile.

“Hey!” Papa’s face comes into view alongside my mother’s. The sight of them after three or four days is overwhelming.

“Baby, how are you?” Mama asks first.

“I’m okay, super tired and I feel so bloated.” I chuckle, rubbing my belly.

“You don’t look bloated, you’re glowing baby girl,” Daddy chimes in.

“You have to say that cause I’m hormonal and I could either snap or sob.” We all laugh and I hear the doorbell ring in the background. Dad leaves to go grab it.

“Who’s there? You guys have plans tonight?” Mama smirks.

“We have someone who wants to see you.” With that, the loud and familiar rambunctious sounds of Kate fill the echoing kitchen.

“Sadie Jay!” Almost instantly I begin to cry when I see her face. I haven’t talked to her in over two weeks, not since she left to Paris with her parents. She has no idea I’m even pregnant.

“Oh no, don’t cry, you’re gonna make me cry!” I drop my head and wipe the tears, no one knows that I’m filing for divorce when I get home—everyone thinks Ben and I are happier than we have ever been.

No one knows that because of what we’re going through, I took the cross off my neck, I’ve retired my bible and I haven’t mumbled a real prayer in over a week. Ben Cooper stole my every faith in anything.

“Sadie, why are you so upset?” my mama asks as I shake my head. I sniffle and sob, a mess on the other end of the video call.

“I just miss you guys, I can’t wait to see you next week. I’m just a little homesick.” A lie off the tip of my tongue just like that of a truth. I never used to be able to lie, never did it sit well with me and now I can do it without so much as a blink.

“Oh, Sade, don’t worry! Only seven days and we’ll be reunited and I promise we’ll have a girl’s night, with a sleep over and Cosmo magazines.”

“Is that those sexy magazines? Oh dear,” my father questions, making all us girls laugh. I even let out a snort. I wipe the tears and decide I better tell Kate about the baby.

“Hey Kate?” She stops laughing and looks into the camera.

“Yeah?”

“I have something to show you.” I’m only wearing Ben’s shirt and my tiny white thong, so to keep my papa from getting an eyeful, I pull the blanket up to my hips.

“What?” She tilts her head and implores.

Lifting my shirt with one hand and tucking it under my breasts, I extend my arm up and out so she can see my growing little bump—it’s seriously nothing extreme, more like a water weight belly.

“You need to stop eating so much junk food, you look pregnant. We can take care of that too when you get home.” She laughs and I shake my head with a smirk.

“That’s not a food baby, that’s a baby baby.” The phone drops from her hands and lands face up. I see her hands at her mouth and my mama rushing to pick up the phone, giggling under her breath.

I laugh as mom checks over her phone then holds it in front of Kate.

“You’re pregnant, pregnant? Bun in the oven? Biscuit cooking on slow, pregnant?” She screams behind her hands, jumping up and down excitedly. I feel butterflies and it makes me forget for just a split second that Ben isn’t happy—that he said he never wanted a child. Everyone but him has reacted so beautifully—everyone who doesn’t matter as much as he does.

“Yeah, I’m just bloated, I can’t be that far along.” I run my hand up and down the center of my warm tummy.

“Oh my God! Sadie! You’re pregnant! Oh! If it’s a girl you have to name her Kate!” We all laugh and I roll my eyes, secretly loving every second of it.

“Okay,” I reply sarcastically.

“No, seriously, It’s your best friend right to do so! I would name mine after you!”

“We never discussed this.” I shake my head laughing, the feeling welcomed after a week of nothing but gray skies.

“Sadie! I mean it! I’ll convince you! We didn’t have to talk about it, it’s just the right order of things.”

Shaking my head I respond, “Okay, good luck with that.”

“Whatever, you just watch. But have you and Ben talked names yet?” My stomach drops, my light mood drifting away from my clinging hands.

“Uh, yeah we have, but nothing has stuck.” I lie again, two times in less than four minutes.

“You’ll find it, baby. Papa and I didn’t know what we wanted to name you until we held you in our arms. Then out of nowhere papa said Sadie and I looked down at you and saw a Sadie. We hadn’t discussed that name at all. Papa had actually heard it that day, so it’ll happen.”

“True.” I think briefly about the moment I will hold our child and that’s all I see—me and our child. The bedside will be empty because Ben won’t be there, our child may never know their father.

“Speaking of Ben, where is that loser? I haven’t seen him in weeks!”

“He went to dinner with the band. I’m not feeling too hot so I stayed back. I think everyone left.” The door is closed and I don’t hear anything coming from the front.

“Make sure the bus door is locked. I hate you being alone in a strange place,” Papa chimes in.

“Ben wouldn’t leave me here without locking it. Don’t worry. But hey, I need to get going. I’ll talk to you guys later?” I just want some alone time right now, I’ve had enough rollercoaster emotions for one day.

“Okay baby. Get some rest, we love you!”

“Yeah, get some rest prego and sleep on that name!” Kate gets her final word in and I wave them all off and end the call.

Standing from the bed, I go and search the little fridge for some soup or something for my hungry baby. When I walk out, I see light from the TV and someone’s feet on the couch.

“Hello?” I ask as I pass the bunks.

“Hey, it’s me,” Nick says. I double check the shirt is covering all of me before I step out.

“Oh, hey. How come you didn’t go?” I ask, stepping in front of the fridge.

“Ben wanted me to stay and make sure you were good and didn’t need anything.” This stuns me.

“He did?” I didn’t think Ben cared once I told him I was pregnant.

“Yeah, you hungry? I can take us to get some food? We can get an Uber and drive around till we find something. Get you out of this bus?” He sits up and I debate it for a second. I haven’t been out in days.

“Yeah, okay, let me throw on some pants.”

“Cool.” I walk into the back and find my black ripped skinnies and pull off Ben’s shirt to throw on a bralette, then I throw Ben’s shirt back on. Slipping on my flats I make it back out in less than two minutes.

“Alright, ready?” I announce. Nick nods, throwing on his jacket as we leave the bus and head toward the front of the venue we’ve been stationed at.

“They will meet us up here.” The night air in Boston is chilly, but I didn’t grab a jacket so I have to deal with the crisp air.

“You want my jacket, you look cold?” Nick offers as the Uber pulls up. Opening my door for me, he helps me slide in as I give him a ‘no thanks’.

We sit in a comfortable silence and my mind has time to wander as we watch the tall buildings mixed in with Ma and Pa businesses pass us by.

“Does he talk about the baby?” I don’t let my eyes drift to him. Nick doesn’t answer for a few drawn out seconds.

“Yeah, he asks us about how you’re feeling. He’s been pretty secluded, keeping to himself.”

“So we think,” I mumble, finally peering at him over my shoulder.

“What do you mean?”

“It’s nothing,” I lie.

“Sadie, you think he’s stepping out on you?” I nod and my frown sets.

“Maybe he is. Ben’s mad, he’s hurt, he feels like I betrayed him by getting pregnant. He knows the marriage is over.” Using the instead of our, shows how much distance is wedging between us. I’m deluding and separating myself from who we were.

“Listen, I know he disappears at night or in the middle of the day sometimes, but I don’t think he would cheat on you, Sadie. You’re too good of a woman and regardless of how he feels about the baby, he does still love you.”

The mixture of silence in the indoor cab and the bustle of the outside world sounds deafening as the world closes in on me.

“I never knew that love could feel so much like pain—like hate. I never knew that it had the power to destroy you.”

“That’s all love is, Sadie. I hate to admit it, but love isn’t always picking who makes you happy in love, but more so who you can stand beside during battles. It’s about deciding who you want to survive the pain with—who you want to stand against as you burn to the ground.”

“We already burned, now what?” It’s true what he said, but now we don’t stand together at all—we couldn’t survive the fallout. Where do I start to heal? When will I worry about me and not so much about Ben being happy? I should hate him, look at him with so much distain I could taste it, but I don’t. Instead I only worry about what his life will be like without me.

The feeling that comes with being the ‘without me’ part of him is excruciating. No longer is his life with me, it’s now without me and all I care about is if he’s happy—no matter my unhappiness.

“You walk away, Sade. You were and are the best thing that ever happened to Ben. Know that, but you have to walk away now that you’ve played all your cards. Learn to accept what is and walk away.” Nick has always supported me, we bonded very early on into Ben and mine’s quick relationship, so I trust him. But even he knows there’s nothing left to fight for, as if I will not only say good bye to Ben, but this entire life.

“That’s what I plan to do. I’m going to file for divorce. We can’t do this anymore.” He doesn’t fight me, he just lets my tears fall and pulls me into his side, running his hand up and down my arm. Goodbye never felt so devastating.

“Tacos? Does baby like tacos?” He breaks the silence and I snort, wiping my tears and the snot that has escaped. Gosh, I’m disgusting.

“Who doesn’t like tacos?”

“Good. Hey man, can you let us out right here?” The driver pulls up outside the taco joint that’s looks beat up and run down, but the smell catches mine and the baby’s attention so it will do.

Nick orders our food and while he gets us drinks I take in his side profile, noticing the slight wrinkle lines and the sharp details of his chin. He’s handsome, aged and been around the block a couple times, but handsome with knowledge and a rugged edge.

“Nick-o, were you married?” I ask, taking a sip of the ice-cold Coke, remembering what he said last time we talked about it. He sits across from me at the round table under the awning outside. Looking around, he nods.

“I was married once. Almost twice. But then I realized the first marriage was a shit show and I didn’t want a repeat.” I snort, watching him sip his drink.

“I have to admit, I wouldn’t have pegged you for the non-commitment type. You’re always so kind and I see the way that you love the boys, especially Ben.”

“Don’t forget you, kid.” He winks, pulling out a smirk from me.

“Me too. So why didn’t it work? What messed you up so bad?”

“Oh, that’s a story. Hold on.” They call his order and he leaves to grab it.

“Alright, two steak tacos with extra sour cream for our hungry mama.” He places my tacos down and I salivate—starved. Clapping my hands together I moan and start to dig in.

“Dork.”

“Don’t avoid, you know all my dirty laundry, time to spill.” I push him before taking a big bite of my taco. I must look like a homeless person eating their first meal in days, sitting here with my legs up on the bench crossed in front of me, with my big loose tee and mouth full of food. When baby lets me eat, I eat. No slowing me down.

“I met Sally.” I snort, halting his story. “What?” he asks, taking a bite of his shrimp taco.

“Sally? Really, that’s the best you can come up with. What was her real name?” Shaking his head he smiles around his food, bringing the napkin to his lips to shield his mouth full of taco.

“I’m serious.” He takes a sip to wash it down. “I married Sally when we were both seventeen.” Assessing him, I almost call him on it again, but he’s completely serious.

“Seventeen? Wow, I thought Ben and I were young. So it was young love?”

“Yup. I was an arrogant, cocky son of a bitch and she was prissy and high maintenance—she always knew how to push me.”

“Is that why you divorced? Couldn’t get along?” He shakes his head, looking out to the street beside us, his eyes becoming distant.

“No. Shortly into our marriage, we realized we had no money. I barely made enough to put soup and bread on our table. She wanted the finer things and when I couldn’t provide, she would make me feel like shit, so I started using.”

“Using? Like weed?” He chuckles, finally looking at me.

“No, Sadie. The real shit. I was on coke, heroine, ecstasy, anything I could get for either free or dirt cheap.” Putting his taco down, he stretches his arm across the table in front of me. I gulp just thinking about Nick on anything. I haven’t seen him touch a thing, not a cigarette, no drugs, no alcohol, so I can’t imagine him being into anything hard like that.

“See these lines?” He points to the three solid black lines tattooed on the inner side of his elbow where his arm bends. I nod. “Each line is a five year sober mark. I am now sixteen years sober. I got them here to cover up the marks from all the fucking needles I used.”

I swallow thickly, my heart hurting for him. I see those years before he was sober flash in his eyes, darkening them.

“Hey, you don’t have to tell me, bud. I don’t need to know.” I reassure him, comforting him by rubbing my hand up and down his arm.

“No, it’s all good. This is who I am.”

I let him go on without another word, taking small bites and little sips.

“Well, one day I started to owe people money for my addiction and I had to start selling. I sold her ring, sold her nice jewelry. Then one day it all changed when I came home on a trip. My eyes were blurry and everything was loud. I was gone. So, she started harping on me about my drugs and me stealing, calling me a worthless piece of shit, and one thing led to another and I beat her. Broke her arm and bruised her up bad.” His eyes go a little misty, wandering anywhere but at me and my heart cracks in two for him.

“I didn’t even know I was doing it. I didn’t really know where I was when I started hitting her, too far gone from it all. When I woke up in jail the next day with a restraining order and charges against me and a foggy memory, I knew I fucked up.”

“Nick…I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have asked.” I shake my head and reach for his hand, wiping away my tears with my other.

“You deserved to know. Sadie, listen,” he pauses leaning in and giving me his green eyes. “I know why you stayed with Ben and I wish my wife would have been as accepting and loving as you, but one day I fucked it up so bad that I went too far. I hurt the love of my life and I know Ben has never hurt you, but abuse and addiction run in his family and you don’t need that. You deserve better and if he isn’t willing to get better for you and want this baby, you need to let go.”

“I know.” Ben would never hit me, but that doesn’t mean that he will always want me or love me, no matter the obstacles. Ben can’t love me or our child the way we need it if he can’t even love himself.

“I love him like a son. I took him in after he left the foster system and I have tried to sober him up every day since, seeing myself in him, but it didn’t work. I had to get better, but I never could until I was willing to do it, by myself and for myself. Losing you will always be his biggest regret. Don’t let it be yours. You did all you could, Sadie.”I nod, knowing the truth. Knowing I can’t help Ben or make him stay with me. I can’t force him to accept our child—I don’t want to either.

Ben Cooper was the man I fell for way too fast and lost even faster.

“You were wrong earlier.” Is all I can say as I stare at Nick, seeing him in this new light. It makes more sense to me now why he loves Ben and why he’s the silent father figure. He was once a broken piece, severed down the middle and slowly with time and self-love he glued himself back together.

“How so?”

“You said this is who you are, but it isn’t. That’s who you were. You’re a survivor. I pray Ben will be one day too.”His face softens and he accepts my words.

“Me too, kid. Me too.”

I mull over everything he said, going from envisioning Nick as a broken young adult to Ben and the broken man he is, and I hurt for them both. Even though Nick is sober and clean, it doesn’t mean he’s completely scar free on the inside. He’s just as wounded in there now as he was on the outside then. In time, if he doesn’t kill himself one day, Ben will be a better man, damaged underneath, but overcoming each day.

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