SADIE AND I DIDN’T talk about the time spent with my father. We barely made it back in time for sound check, then I had the show. She came to this one and I know it was pity that had her there. She didn’t want me to be alone after what happened. Maybe she feared I would jump off the deep end and get stoned or high, but I didn’t. I lost myself in the music, the crowd, and my wife and child side stage.

Seeing Darren did multiple things for me. It made me angry, then remorseful, then even a bit more forgiving. I said I wouldn’t forgive him and the truth is I most likely never will, but at least he knows that I will never be in his life, that my mother’s death is on his hands. I took the blame off my shoulders and placed it on him, where it belonged. Because my mother loved me with everything she fucking had in her. I saw it in her actions, felt it in her warm hugs, and heard it in her words.

She wouldn’t blame me, no matter how many times I would tell her she could and if she were still here today, she would never want the blame to be on me and I know that now. Seeing him claim redemption wasn’t the truth, and when those words left his mouth I felt something in me—a touch on my skin—Sadie. She was there and when he said that I felt her more present than ever, and just like that, I knew Sadie was a fucking gift from my mother, an angel sent from her to help me heal and find redemption on my own accord.

How could I not believe in a higher power—in a God, when I have someone like Sadie? Too pure and kind for this earth and too patient and forgiving to be with a man like me. I’m undeserving of her love and everyone knows it. Except for her. She stayed regardless of that notion and that tells me she was sent by my mother and meant to be in my life as a constant reminder of what greatness is left inside the world—inside of me.

She is my saint, sent to deliver me from myself. Sadie is my religion and our child is my redemption.

§

The rest of the week flew by with end of tour interviews and photo shoots, leaving only a few hours a night to spend with Sadie. Most of the time she was asleep when I got home. Tomorrow is the last day of our tour. The last day that I have to prove to her that she needs to keep me, that I need her to stay.

“It’s our last fucking day on the Run Baby, Run tour and I’m sad to end it but we’re headed back to Portland to make you guys a new record!” We’re playing our last show and it’s one of my favorites—an outside day festival right on the water line of Seattle.

The crowd cheers and I take a second to look over at Sadie. Her eyes are on me and she gives me a sweet smile. Nick and the stage crew move my piano out to the stage for the last song of our set list. I wanted to make something special happen for Sadie and this is only the beginning to all the great shit I have planned for us tonight.

“So as many of you know, this year I married the most beautiful woman I have ever met and somehow she said yes and stuck around.” I sit at the piano and the crowd roars, cheering for my love. I look over at Sadie and I see her biting at her lip, tears getting ready to fall, but I refuse to let those tears be wasted.

“Well, I just found out a few weeks ago that we’re pregnant and I have to say I’m on fucking cloud nine right now. Let’s have a drink to that!” The crowd whoops and hollers giving random words of congratulations and taking sips of their drinks. I bring my eyes back to Sadie and see her hand over her mouth and Nick with his arm around her.

“So I want to end this show with a cover of one of her favorite songs by her favorite artist. This one is for you baby, never lose your faith.” With that I begin the first key notes to “This is Gospel” by Panic! at the Disco. The crowd knows the words well and they sing along with me, but my eyes only stay on Sadie.

Each word I sing with acoustic vibrato is sang directly to her, the hundreds of people disappearing as I pray, yes pray that she understands each word.

My words have left scars on her like the song says, my actions have caused her to want to leave me, her love wavering at times, but she has stayed because she loves me and even when she lost her faith, she still stayed to help me.

When the piano solo starts, I look her right in the eyes, unashamed of my feelings in front of a crowd of our fans and my bandmates. I mouth I love you before I sing the final chorus and when she does it back, I feel her in my heart. She is letting me in just like I need her to tonight, because this night is all I have left to make her fall in love with me again.

The few keys left at the end of the song play and I see a flashback of every moment I’ve had with Sadie. I see her in the front row at the show where we met, I see her on that kitchen counter letting me touch her like she’s never been touched. I see the lake, the whipped cream fight, the day I first said good bye to her. I see the moment I asked her to marry me, the second she said yes in that courthouse. I see our first time together and I see how I broke her. I see a pain I caused selfishly and I see the cross on her neck no longer there because of me.

But tonight I’m going to make new memories, better memories with her and our child. The greatest memory we ever created.

After the show I meet my fans and do my best to speed it up while Nick gets everything I asked him to ready for my surprise with Sadie. When we finish, I head to the hotel he got for us while he distracts her—the same one where we made love on our wedding night. I shower and change, cleaning myself up with a shave and styling my hair up and gelled back, the crew cut just how she likes it. I put on my black jeans, plaid button up shirt and leather jacket.

Grabbing my wallet and phone, I head back to the bus where they all wait for me. Sadie’s in the back bedroom writing in her journal when I come in. She looks beautiful in a red dress hitting just above her knees with a scoop neck and low cut back, showing off her creamy skin. Her hair is down and wavy and her blue eyes stand out against the red of her lips and dress. She looks like a fucking angel.

“Hey, you mind if I drag you out tonight?” She pauses from writing, taking a deep breath before peering up at me.

“Ben…”

“Sadie, I know these past two weeks have been confusing and up and down, but please, give me tonight, just one more night with you.” She looks out the tiny bus window and contemplates what to do while I stand here waiting anxiously and sweating under my shirt.

“Yeah, okay.”

“Perfect. Grab your jacket, it’s gonna be chilly.” I step out for a second to let her get her shoes and jacket. Finding Nick in the front of the bus, I pull him aside.

“Don’t fuck this up. It’s your last chance, buddy.”

“I know. I won’t let her go without a damn good fight.”

“Good. You better not.” He punches my arm and I smile, anxious as all hell, like this is the first fucking time I’m meeting Sadie and in a way it is. I’m sober and getting the help I need—I’m starting to let go of my past and that’s a man she’s never met.

“Ready?”

“I sure am, angel mine.”

§