HOW THE FUCK COULD she get pregnant? Why did this happen to me? Punishment? It’s punishment for what happened to my mother. This child doesn’t deserve a parent like me, they deserve far better. Sadie should run for the hills and hide that child away, because my blood is in them. My dark, tainted blood, is pumping through their veins and just like me and my father and his father before him—we’re mistakes.

I left her behind with a broken heart and lonely eyes, but I needed to get away. My IED is flaring up and I don’t think I have it in me to do anything but go completely black. Taking the elevator down, I call Nick and tell him to meet me at the hotel. I pace outside, waiting for my Uber to get here. When Nick pulls up in a cab, he’s on me immediately.

“Ben, what’s going on? Where’s Sadie?” I shake my head and I give him my hotel key.

“I fucked up and I need to get the fuck away. Don’t leave her alone and don’t let her leave. Room four.” Giving him the key, I ignore him as he yells after me. Climbing into the car, I tell the driver to take me to a local bar.

§

The bar is crawling with locals, a lot of them women and business men. I don’t see anyone here that I would usually pick as an opponent. That’s until the group of frat boys in the corner catch my attention. I watch the girl next to the most frat looking fucker of all cower as he yells at her, his boys laughing at the scene.

I don’t need alcohol or drugs to fuel me on, because the knowledge that I broke Sadie apart with my fucking words and left her behind to feel alone is enough. The simple fact that I’m a total fucking cunt is enough to give me the fire I need to fight.

Here we go.

Standing, I push my way through the crowd and approach the table.

“You’re just a cock hungry slut and if you want to dance with anyone but me, me and the boys will show you what a whore you are.”

“The fuck is your problem?” I grab his collar and pull him from the booth. The booth is right by the exit to the back alley and I drag him by the collar all the way out. His buddies in toe. They know the drill, don’t fight in the club, wait until we’re in the alley.

“Who the fuck are you! Get your fucking hands off me, dick!” the man yells as I throw him on the ground. Only thing is, I don’t want to hit him. I want him to hit me—to bruise me and punish me for the bullshit I just put my wife through.

I want him to hit me for my child—fuck—I have a child. How could I have been so carless to create a son or daughter and make them live a life filled with rage and regret?

His buddies get on me before I even speak, knocking me down from behind and kicking me all over. My sides, my legs, my arms and even a boot to my fucking face. I laugh through it, the sound sinister while I take the beating I deserve.

“That all you fuckers got?” I yell and take more, their faces blurring as blood from my cut brow seeps into my eye.

“Hey, break it up!” We hear yelling and like ants in the night, they all scurry off in different directions, leaving me bruised and battered, just like I planned.

That one’s for you Sadie, baby.

I see a man from the bar security come to stand over me. He helps me up and I stumble back a bit.

“Hey man, let me get you an ambulance.” I wave him off and step back, gripping my side where my ribs are most likely bruised.

“Don’t. I’m fucking fine.” I push past him and limp away.

“Let me at least call the cops,” he yells after me.

“Don’t call anyone, I said I’m fucking fine.” I snarl over my shoulder and he yells some profanities after me, calling me a dick. I nod my head, laughing, because I agree. I’m so much fucking more.

I have no idea how I called to get a cab, but I did, and by the time I’m back to the bus, Nick is still gone and the guys are all passed out. I decided to give Sadie space, knowing she was safe with Nick, but even after having my ass kicked and mentally stewing over all the ways that I deserve to be kicked to the gutter by Sadie, I still feel like shit.

I take my anxiety pill and pass out, not sure who I am, where Sadie and I stand, and where the fuck to go from here. One thing I do know is I will not be pretty looking tomorrow and I’m going to feel this night for days—but mentally, I will never forget or forgive myself.

§

“Get the fuck up.” My eyes open and the light blinds me. Nick kicks the side of the bed and I sit up, forgetting for a brief second that my body got fucked up in a bar fight. I wince when I sit up, my eyes adjusting to the blinding morning light.

“Take these, get your ass dressed and meet me at sound check. We need to talk.”

He’s pissed and I one hundred percent back him up on that. I’m pissed and hate myself too.

“Where’s Sadie?” I begin to worry, knowing that she left last time.

“She’s at the hotel. And for whatever reason she won’t leave. Even though she fucking should.”

“What do you mean she won’t leave?” I stand and start changing. I hiss when I look at the bruises all over my stomach and legs. I don’t even want to know what my face looks like.

“I tried to tell her to leave you and go home to get the fuck away, but no, she said she won’t leave.” I feel a spark of hope as I lace up my shoes.

“You hate me—you should.”

“I don’t fucking hate you, but damn it, I don’t fucking get you. I don’t. She deserves way fucking more and I hope she sees that.” With that he leaves us both in agreement.

Picking up my phone, I text her.

Stepping into the small bathroom, I see the crusted blood around my bruised eye, my lip is busted and I look like the hell I just put Sadie through. Holy fuck. I splash my face and growl through the pain.

I towel off then check my phone, seeing a text.

I don’t know why I’m saying this. The last thing I want is her to leave, but what I did is unforgivable. The things I said can’t be taken back and I love Sadie more than I care about my heart and my wants. I will set her free if that means she’ll be happy.

I can’t believe we’re here, that we’re talking about the end of our marriage over a text. But she won’t listen to me right now. My words and begging are mute at this point. I’ve fucked up and suckered her back in with failed promises too many times.

But what do I do? Do I want to stay? Do I really think I could be a good father with the history behind me?

I want Sadie, but wanting and being good enough are two different things, and in our entire time together I’ve been nothing but a letdown and undeserving of her. But if I choose to stay and really commit to being a better man, I can’t just promise it. Shit, I can’t even breath a word of it to her…I just have to show her.

§

“Whoever fucked you up last night could have done a better job,” Nick says as I step into the back entrance of the venue.

“Yeah, I know. They would have if security from the bar didn’t show up.” We walk back to the changing room and one of the roadies hands me my ear piece. I remove my jacket and set it up.

“I can’t believe I’m asking you this, but how do you feel about everything?”

“Shit. I feel like fucking shit, Nick. But what’s new.”

“Why are you so damn afraid of a family with Sadie?”

“How can I not be. Look at my past—at my dad.”

“Oh, that shit is jaded. Stop using him as a crutch.” Eric comes in and sees my face, interrupting our conversation.

“Damn you look fucking busted, rough night?”

“You could say that.” He pats my back then pours himself a shot. It’s only eleven fucking a.m.

“It’s not a crutch, it’s who I am and if I care about Sadie and our child, I should stay away.”

“Child?” JJ and Jason walk in at that moment and all eyes land on me.

“Yeah, Sadie is pregnant,” I tell them, grabbing my snapback and placing it back on. I let them all congratulate me, taking all the praise that I don’t deserve.

“Too bad he fucked it up,” Nick says, stopping their cheers. They stand back and look between us, confused.

“What do you mean?” JJ asks, pulling up a chair.

“Yeah?” Eric and Jason, implore.

“I told her I didn’t want our child. I pushed her away then left her.”

“Oh, fuck man, seriously? Shit. That’s fucked up.” I nod, agreeing with Jason.

“So did she go home then?” Eric questions.

“No.” I shake my head in shame. “She didn’t. She said she wants to stay to make sure I stay clean. She said when we get home though, we’re over.” I feel my emotions overriding me. I don’t want to fucking lose her.

“You just gonna let your girl and your child go like that?” JJ asks, standing next to Nick.

“What other choice do I have? I can’t take back what I said and I still don’t know if I can be a father.”

“Well you are, whether you want it or not. You’re a dad now. It’s just your choice if you want to try and be the best father you can or if you want to repeat history and be another fucking deadbeat in the long line of Coopers,” Nick hisses, his face turning red and stone cold. If I didn’t agree, his words would have hurt me more—tell me something I don’t know.

“Make a fucking choice, Ben, but make sure you do it quick. Because you have no idea what the fuck you’ve done to her. Don’t drag it out or make it worse.” Nudging my shoulder aggressively as he passes, I keep my head low and look around the room, feeling the guilt stronger than before.

The guys don’t say anything after that, everyone goes quiet and we make it through rehearsal without saying anything else. I take the rest of the time before the show to pace the venue and talk myself out of going to Sadie a hundred plus times.

Pulling myself together enough to get through the show, I do. When the meet and greet ends I take another cab and drive around town for hours and hours, mulling over every part of my pathetic life.

§