IT’S NEARING SIX IN the morning when my flight lands and Kate is waiting to pick me up. I told her everything on the phone, start to finish, as I waited to board my flight, knowing I couldn’t go the entire flight without someone knowing what crap I’m going through.

Ben has called and sent me an abundance of messages. I only read a few before I had to turn off my phone just to gain some stability.

“Oh Sadie.” Kate empathizes the second I clear the sliding doors. She leaves her car on and comes to hug me. I take her arms and just sob, overly exhausted and emotionally run dry.

“I hate this.” I cry into her shoulder, not caring if I’m all tears, snot and drool in public. I feel like I’m living in a parallel universe and I can’t find my way back home.

“I know. Let’s get you home. Mama and Papa are waiting nervously.”

“You told them?” I didn’t want to tell them until I was sure I was ready to tell them about Ben’s drug problem. They adore him, even if he isn’t the man they always thought I would marry. I don’t want drugs to be the reason they lose that love and respect for him.

“Not all of it, but I knew you needed us. They’re waiting at home. Come on.” In that moment, I choice gratitude over anger. Kate’s right, I need my family—now more than ever.

§

I’ve ignored his messages and calls the past twenty-four hours, moping around the house and hardly getting things ready to start my internship—at least I have that to look forward to. My parents didn’t ask questions, instead they let me cry through my feelings and even dragged me to my prayer group this morning. But nothing has made this deep ache in my heavy heart even bearable.

I miss Ben. I miss his funny jokes, his loud thundering laugh, his touch, his voice. I miss all things that are him. But no matter how much I miss him, I can’t forget that our marriage and my love isn’t enough to save him. The drugs, the fighting, the fast life and even faster women, they’re all a threat to us and my fragile heart doesn’t have what it takes to compete with that.

“Kate, I don’t know if I’m in the mood to go out. I don’t think it’s a good idea.” Rising out of the chair I drag my feet to bed and climb in, lying on my side and staring at the opposite wall, completely zoned out.

“But it is and you do need it. Girls night, don’t you want to do that? Forget everything for a day?” I scoff.

“I can’t just forget about my husband, Kate.” Blinking rapidly, I feel my dry eyes begin to water.

“I didn’t mean it like that, but you need to get out. Besides, he’s just gonna show up at your parent’s house when he gets in town tonight, so maybe being out will keep you from seeing him.” She has a point.

“Yeah, you’re right, sure. I’ll put something on and come out.”

“Okay good, do you want me to come do your hair and makeup? Maybe we can talk a little too?” I debate for a moment. I could really use someone to talk to other than my parents, they’re no help. God has even taken a vacation, not seeming to aid my broken heart. Shockingly, for the first time in my life, I feel far removed from my faith.

“Sure. I’d like that. See you soon?”

“Yeah, I’ll be there in about an hour.”

“K.” Hanging up, I check my phone one last time, reading Ben’s messages over and over again.

“How about you don’t do something to be sorry about.” I say aloud to the empty room. Turning off my ringer, I drop my phone in the heap of blankets and decide now is the time to shower.

§

“I’m jealous of your hair, Sadie Jay. I swear is there anything wrong with you?” I keep my eyes down, focused on the floor below me while Kate curls my thick hair into wavy curls.

“My marriage.”

“There it is, let’s talk.” I peer up and look at her through the mirror. Kate’s eyes don’t meet mine and it’s purposeful.

“Kate, we’re so young. We fell in love too fast and we married even faster.” I bite my lip, playing with the gold band on my finger. “You know when I’m sad because I miss him? Well, I want to call him and tell him how bad I’m hurting and what I’m going through, but then I remember he’s the reason I’m here. He’s the reason I feel like this.”

“Oh, Sade.” The tears have escaped against my will and I do nothing to catch them. I want them to fall, I want to waste my tears on him, on my pity, because no one else can heal this.

“Why am I not good enough for him to stop doing things that threaten us? Why did we get married so young? Did we make a mistake, Kate?” I ask, wiping away my hot tears.

“No, Sade, you didn’t. Most people search the world and spend years building a love like yours and you two found it. You’re enough, it’s Ben who needs the help—this is not your fault.” Standing beside me, she wraps her arms around my shoulders, letting my face drop against her arm. I shake uncontrollably as I’m reduced to nothing.

“Shhh. Sade, it’s okay.” A loud sob rips through my chest, echoing in the confines of the room. “I just miss him so much.” My back aches with the weight of the world, my anxiety collects in my chest. What do I do? Seeing him with that woman doing those drugs was a dagger straight to my heart. I can’t unseen that, not even if I tried with every part of me.

“I just can’t believe we’re here, that within a short time we fell so far in love and now we’re heading for a divorce. Am I making a mistake? God, Kate, I have so many questions.” Rubbing my back, she hushes me some more, finally letting me loose a little.

“I can’t answer that for you, babe, this is a choice you two have to make.” Even though I wish she wasn’t right, she is and no one can make this decision. Not God, not my parents or my friends, just Ben and I.

After I cry for some time, I finally dry the well enough to continue getting ready. “Now that I look like roadkill, can we just get me ready so I can get out of this house?”

“Of course. I have just the outfit.”

§

Ocean waves in my hair, red lips and a smoky eye later, I’m dressed in a skin tight strapless dress, with a thick choker necklace and a leather jacket. My heels add a few inches and although I’m dying on the inside, my body looks alive and well tonight. Surprisingly, I’m shocked Kate could hide the dark circles under my tired eyes.

“You look banging!” Stepping from the closet, Kate looks me over, zipping up the side of her strapless onesie. She looks stunning—tall, thin—all the things she knows, she owns.

“You look great, Kate.” I return the compliment, still feeling a little out of my comfort zone with this whole new and bolder look, but ever since we got married, I slowly started wearing more revealing clothes and my makeup a little different. I stopped being the preacher’s daughter in a sense and became the rock star’s wife.

“Don’t, don’t think of him. We’re doing so good, we’re almost out the door. Come on.” Grabbing my clutch, she hands it to me and ushers me out the door and down the steps of our porch.

Catching an Uber, we head downtown to the local venue. I’m not sure who’s live there tonight, but getting out after twenty-four hours of self-wallowing misery makes me feel a little bit better. The air is a little crisp as we climb out of the cab. I right my dress, my legs erupting in goose bumps from the chill. I don’t miss the men passing and giving eyes toward Kate and I.

“Keep walking boys, eyes on someone else,” Kate hollers as they pass. They smirk and whistle, taking in her sass, then continue on their way.

“Pigs.”

“Yeah, I agree.” Shutting the door, we weave around the random crowds of various groups. Entering the venue, I’m instantly hit with the smell of smoke and it reminds me of Ben, the only thing missing is his spice cologne. Maybe this is the wrong thing to do when I’m not fully in my right mind.

“Kate, where are we going?” I turn and see she isn’t behind me, she’s stopped at the door talking to someone. I shrug and go to the bar, not really concerned to put in any effort.

“Can I get a coke, please?” I order from the scratched up, wooden bar top. It has my attention as I wait for my drink.

“Sadie?” My back stiffens and my eyes widen, still low at the table. That voice, the only voice I know better than my own. It’s both inviting and daunting. I pivot in my chair and my eyes meet Ben’s honey eyes. His head is covered with a snapback, his eyes heavy and dark, the scruff on his face forming a five o’clock shadow. The way his black skinnies fit his legs and his leather jacket fits his upper body, has my knees feeling the quick need to buckle.

“Ben, what are you doing here?” I ask exasperated. How did he know I was here?

“I invited him, I think you two need to talk.” Kate finds us, approaching with Eric by her side. Feeling betrayed, I stand abruptly, throwing down a ten on the bar top.

“Wow, thanks a lot, Kate. Gosh, I thought I could trust you.” Looking back and forth between her and Ben, I shake my head. “Forget it, have a good night.”

“Sadie!” Both Ben and Kate call to me, but I push past them and make a hasty retreat for the exit. I feel cornered, which doesn’t help me feel any less vulnerable. Seeing him just slammed my heart back into the ground. I thought tonight I was going to be able to forget him, just for a bit if anything, but instead I was faced with him head on.

“Sadie, baby, wait! Come on.” Stepping onto the sidewalk, I start walking, not bothering to slow down and hail a cab. If I did that it wouldn’t put distance between us at all and I’m not ready to make nice with him, not ready to face all the things that have ultimately ruined us.

“No, Ben! Stay away from me.” I try to walk faster, but the uneven brick sidewalk doesn’t give me much of a head start in my black pumps. Before I know it he’s on me, grabbing my arm and turning me to him.

“You can’t avoid me anymore, Sadie. You have to talk to me.” I look up at his sad expression and see a mirror of my very own borken reflection. That’s the most twisted thing about this, we’re both deeply broken by one another and the only cure…is each other.

“Yes, I can, because there is nothing to say.”

“To hell there isn’t, Sadie! You’re my wife, you can’t just throw in the towel when shit gets tough,” Ben yells, throwing his hands in the air. The breeze hits us and the smell of him wafts to me, assaulting my senses. That smell and the overwhelming sight of him makes my eyes well with defiant tears. I’ve missed him and my wires are all getting jumbled. I don’t know if I want to scream, cry, fight or make up. All I know is this is exactly why it’s dangerous for us to be in the same vicinity.

“You don’t love me enough to stop the hard drugs, Ben. I can’t sit around and watch you kill yourself for the high. I can’t—I won’t!” A group of scantily clad girls walk by and they chuckle, mumbling about my sudden outburst. If it weren’t for my lack of caring, I would have said something.

“You think it’s that easy, Sadie, and it’s not. I can’t be cured overnight!”

“I’ve been trying to tell you to get help. I’ve tried to be another outlet for you to lose yourself in, instead of drugs and violence. I’ve prayed for you.”

“Damn it, Sadie. I can’t be cured by some treatment in religion. This shit is real and there is no God that wants to fix me. You don’t love me enough to stay and work through this.” I’m insulted by his choice of words, feeling them like they were a physical being slapping me in the face.

“Don’t you dare use my words on me, Ben! Don’t try and make this my fault. I have sacrificed a lot to make you happy and to help you, so don’t you do that to me!” I poke his chest, shaking my head rapidly back and forth.

“What the fuck have you sacrificed for me, Sadie? Huh, what?” he yells, expanding his arms out to the side with a shrug.

“I gave up a life before you to create a new one with you. My life was set before you came along and changed everything.”

“So what? I’m the prick who ruined you? Is that what you’re saying? Because I was fine before you too, Sadie, but I made a choice when we got married that I would fight for this and I would learn to be a different man for you.”

“But you don’t want to get the help! You’re still the same! Don’t make it sound like I forced you into this marriage, Ben, you wanted this too, all so you could just get me in bed.”

“I didn’t fucking marry you so I could get some. I can get any kind of pussy I want. I married you because I love you!” I cling to those words, I haven’t heard them and right now they’re all I crave to hear. It’s still not enough, though, for me to forget everything and just drop it.

“Just stay away from me, Ben. Go live the life you wanted before I came to screw it all up. I get that you don’t understand me and my faith, just like I don’t understand your need to self-medicate with drugs and women and fighting. We rushed this, our marriage was a m…”

“No, don’t you dare say it was a mistake. You can’t take it back once it’s said.” I drop my eyes, the grooves in the sidewalk stealing my gaze as I let the tears fall.

“Ben, we both have so much we want in this life and all the things that hang in the balance are bound to end everything we want.”

“The things I want in this life are you. All of you—every part of you.” I shake my head and my chest caves with my sob.

“Ben…”

“Give me tonight, please.” He steps into me, grabbing my elbows.

“I can’t…” I don’t lean into him, but I don’t push away, either.

“Why?” he asks, moving the hair from my face, wrapping his hand around the column of my neck in a possessive way. The movement one of ownership. My desperation for him is growing stronger by the second, completely shattering my resolve.

“I can’t answer that, because I don’t even know why,” I admit. And before we question each other further, he pulls my smaller frame to his taller one and in a flash our lips fuse together. I taste mint and tobacco, a taste only some would acquire and since the day I first had it, it’s become something I constantly crave.

Gripping his leather jacket in my hands, I feel the rush of butterflies storming low in my stomach, my legs get weak and my mouth unhinges, kissing him back with as much force as he is giving.

His hands leave my neck and reach around to grab the underside of my butt. He leans to get a complete handful and I moan into his mouth. Nipping, sucking, biting and licking at one another, our tongues fall into the learned dance we have both come to know.

I barely notice our movement until my back is against the side of the brick building next to us.

“Mmmm,” Ben moans, his erection growing against my stomach. We both know we’re in public and I hear the passing of strangers and the honking horns, but all I feel is Ben against me.

Bringing one hand up beside me he lays his palm flat against the brick, while his other hand stays gripping my butt. I finally pull away knowing if we continue we will be arrested for public indecency.

“Ben..” I trail off, putting a few inches between us by pushing on his chest.

“I’ve missed you, Sadie. Please let me take us home,” he begs kissing my cheek, then my neck, then down the swell of my breast. I moan and shake.

“I’ve missed you too, Ben.” I add fuel to our fire, forgetting everything other than the lust for my husband. I want him, no matter the consequences.

“Okay,” I whisper against his ear as he sucks on the skin of my neck. Pulling away he smirks down at me. Giving me one quick kiss, he hails us a cab and within twenty minutes, we pull up to our apartment.

We didn’t speak much in the cab, all we did was sit so close it was hard to tell where he started and I ended. I let him whisper in my ear all the ways he was sorry, how beautiful I was and how much he wants to save us.

Before we even make it in the door he’s on me from behind, his arms around my waist and his mouth latched to my neck. “Ben, baby, wait. Let me lock the door,” I tell him, shutting the door with my shaky hands.

“I want you,” he groans in my ear as his hand travels up my thigh and under my dress. I went with boy shorts tonight, not really preparing to spend time with him on his homecoming.

“Tell me something.” Finally I get the door shut and I’m able to turn to him. I let him remove my jacket as I help remove his.

“What?” I ask breathlessly, all hormones and need at this point.He puts me against the wall, lifting my legs up and around his waist. I grab his neck and kiss him, nibbling at his full lips.

“Did you wear this because you wanted to find another man? Tell me you don’t want someone else, Sadie.” My confident playboy is anything but.

Pulling my head back, I gaze into his eyes, reaching as deep as he will let me go with just one look. “No, I don’t want anyone else, ever. I’m never going to want anyone other than you.” I whisper, feeling bad that he actually thought that I would ever do that. But I’ve been on the opposite end as well, wondering if he would ever cheat on me. The women he once preferred are the exact kind that crawl around his stage each night, like prowlers waiting for him to pick them.The reason we are even here is because one of those women got way too close.

“What…what about…about you?” I stutter, scared. I don’t know what it will do to me if he ever gave into the sin of temptation.

“Never. I haven’t been with another woman since the day I met you, Sadie. And I never will,” he confesses and at first I don’t believe him, not because he looks like he’s lying, but my heart is still damaged and our problems are still not fixed. I don’t know who I trust anymore.

“Promise?”

“Sadie, don’t question my desire for you. Don’t make yourself worried over the trash that hangs around me. I only want you. I want my innocent angel. What you saw me do was fucking wrong and I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done the drugs and that girl was faceless to me. I didn’t do anything with her, baby.”

“What if I’m never going to be enough, Ben?” I question and he moves, carrying us toward our bedroom at the end of the hall framed with pictures of us. My heels fall and miscellaneously find a place on the wooden floor. I cross my arms around the back of his head and grip onto the lush fullness of his hair.

“You’re more than enough, Sadie, more than anything, you are enough,” he whispers, his breath moving across my face.

“Show me. Please, Ben, because you’re losing me,” I admit on a low cry, my voice cracking.

“I’ll never let that happen,” he professes. But until I see him actually changing, tonight isn’t going to fix it. Lovemaking and passion cannot mask the dark side of things. He has to stop the drugs or he will lose me for good, that is one thing I will not waver on.

Placing me on the bed, I sit on the edge and anticipate his next move. I’m letting him take the lead tonight. Ben grabs the hem of my dress around my waist and lifts the strapless dress from my body, leaving me in my black panties and matching strapless bra.

“You look like you, but so different and it’s only been a fucking day.” He removes the shirt that adorns his body, his abs starting to show more, his V growing more pronounced. “You’re my muse, the most beautiful creature I’ve ever seen. Those lips tell me beautiful tales and truths—they tell me they love me.” I stand no chance when he whispers to me, blessing me with his poetic words—the perks of being married to a singer.

“Ben…” I don’t even have the words to reciprocate.

He doesn’t say anything. Instead, his hands start to work on me. Starting at my thighs, he trails them up the length of me, all the way up my stomach, helping me lay back. When I’m flat, he leans in and kisses my stomach right on the underside of my belly button.

The intimacy in his touch has me whimpering out.

“Relax, baby.” I stay focused as his kisses continue to go lower while his hands find my ankles. Lifting them up, he places them on the bed. Now between my legs, he casts his eyes over my desperate body. Kissing me one last time atop the fabric covering my pubic bone, I grow needier.

“Oh, Ben…” I cry, both sad and torn, ripped in two with pleasure and despair. Moving across my pubic bone, his hand slides into one side of my panties at my hip and his mouth catches the fabric on the other side. In a slow steady move, he drags them up my thighs, over my knees and down my shins, where he lifts my feet just enough for them to fall on the floor and drop from his mouth.

That was the most erotic thing I’ve witnessed Ben do before. I stay entranced while he kisses back up my legs, finally ending with his tongue against my center. I cry out, gripping the sheets, my toes curling. He doesn’t just lick me, he full on feeds on me, eating me with a purpose. This is Ben spoiling me out of both need and guilt and I don’t stop him.

My legs fall farther open as he alternates between biting, licking and sucking. Just as I’m chasing the edge of glory, he stops, kissing my thigh and bringing his face to mine.

“You’re beautiful, you taste so sweet,” he tells me, giving me a taste of my own arousal with his kiss. We are a mixture of moans as his fingers trail lazily down my body before two enter my dripping core. I bite on my lip, breaking our connection as I drop my head back and cry.

“Oh!” He works his fingers up and down, round and round, deeper and faster. Ben has always known how to get me off in record time and he knows it. That’s why he drives me to the edge then pulls me away before I can completely jump head first.

“I can’t lose this, I can’t lose you, baby. Don’t leave me.” His voice is hoarse and I nod my head yes, giving in for the moment.

“Ben, make love to me, please.” I’m physically aching inside for him, for his touch.

“Anything, angel mine.” Sitting back up, he towers over the bed looking down over me while he undoes his pants slowly. I wiggle under that hard gaze, my blood pumping heavily through my veins as I eagerly anticipate his touch.

His large cock springs free and it’s hard and ready, cum already wetting the tip. I lick my lips and reach out for him. He comes to me with no words. We’re always speaking a silent understanding. Spreading my legs, he opens me enough to make room for him while he lines his cock up with my entrance. Closing me in, his arms around my head and his hands lost in my hair, he gives me a gentle kiss. With one thrust he’s all the way inside, deep and thick—I feel it all. My home. My husband, the antidote to my broken heart.

“Oh!”

“God, Sadie, you’re killing me.” My feet move against his calves as he starts thrusting in and out of me fast, yet steady. The closer we get, the more I want to cry. I feel like we’re saying goodbye. Each touch feels like the last touch and believe me, I savor it like such.

We kiss, our lips only breaking when he needs to moan and I have to breath out the pleasure. Reaching my hands down, I grip his ass, pulling him in deeper with each thrust. He’s everywhere right now, my senses are overtaken by him. I smell him, see him, feel him, taste him—he’s in every pore.

“What do you want, Sadie?” he questions, keeping his thrusts strong and giving me his eyes, a connection deeper than the physical. I shake my head as the tears start to fall.

“I want you. I want you to stop hurting yourself, because it’s killing me, Ben.” I run my hands over his face, holding his cheeks in my hands. We’re in the unknown shadows right now and I don’t know what’s lurking around the corner and I just want to feel safe again. I want to step into the light.

“Isn’t this enough for you?” he questions, thrusting into me with a hard drive of his hips. I choke on a cry, but I don’t go silent just yet.

“If it’s not all of you, it’s not enough,” I admit, speaking from deep inside me because if he doesn’t get it now, when we’re soul to soul, he never will.

He doesn’t respond. Instead he speaks with his body, making love to me. I let it go for now, knowing I may never get through to him, but right now I can pretend that I can—even if it’s just for a moment in temporary bliss.

§

The storm of our lovemaking slowed us down for a short time. Now I lay here pretending I’m asleep so I can hold off the inevitable for as long as I can. The goodbye. The longer I lay here, the more I realize he will not change unless he really wants to, and there doesn’t seem to be an ending in sight for him.

My eyes stay closed while he worships me. Laying on my front, he lays across my lower back, kissing up and down my spine, running his hands over my curves.

“You’re beautiful. You’re my drug. My everything,” he whispers. I wish I could believe that. The sound of “Skinny Love” by Birdy plays lightly on repeat over the speakers in our room. It’s not loud enough to overshadow his sweet words, but it definitely makes the words more painful to hear. It’s the soundtrack to our devastation.

“I could kiss your skin every second of every day and never get tired of it. I never knew I could fall in love, baby.” I feel the tears threatening to fall. Although I don’t think they ever really stopped.

“Let me fix us, angel, give me a chance to make this right.” With his whisper, I feel him stand at the side of the bed. His cock stands full mast against my butt as he moves. “Wake up, Sadie, I want you again,” he whispers in my ear, moving me on my side and pulling me to the edge of the bed, my knees lifting out in front of me.

Opening my eyes just in time, he thrusts into me. I’m on my side so I can’t move too much, making it hard to squirm from his invasion. “Ben, baby.”

“I need you again.” I have to fight the urge to ask him if it’s me he’s craving or if I’m just something he’s using because he can’t use when he’s around me. Leaning over me, he grabs a hold of my full breast, the large globe spilling out of his hand while he pounds into me.

“I love your tits, baby. I love your tight little body. Fuck, you’re like a masterpiece.” He moans, kneading my breast, his other hand gripping my hip for leverage as he pounds into me. The relatable sound of gnash, “I hate you, I love you,” is playing along with our lovemaking.

“Make me come, Sadie, take everything from me.” He groans, skating his hand between the valley of my legs. When he lands on my pussy, he rubs my clit in fast circles, speeding up my fast falling orgasm.

“Then give me everything, Ben.” I look at him with my lips parted, my eyes on him and my hand gripping the sheet as the other one moves along with his over my clit, adding pressure.

“Shit, beautiful, just like that. Give it to me, you’re squeezing me so tight. Squirt on me, angel.” I clench down on his cock, his words driving me over the edge. I come fast, seeing stars and hearing symphonies.

“Oh my! Uh!” I scream, bearing down on him.

“Fuck, yes! Take it all, baby.” He releases, his head back and his lip caught between his teeth. His eyes dilate as he finds mine again, his thrusts slow and lazy, giving me every last drop.

“I love you.”

‘I love you too, Ben.”

§