Week Nine

NICK TOOK ME TO the store while Ben rested so I could pick up a few things—including a test. I think I may be pregnant and I’ve never been more terrified of anything. Somehow my counting went wrong and I must have skipped a day. This wasn’t in our plans and with where we currently are, I don’t know if we have enough strength in us to bring a child into our marriage.

“You gonna take it when we get back or do you want to take it here?” Nick says next to me at checkout.

Shaking my head, I smirk. “I never really thought taking my first pregnancy test would be in a Walgreen’s bathroom, so I’ll pass.” Squeezing my shoulder in reassurance, he smiles. I quickly pay then we head back.

“I think I want to get us a nice hotel room and maybe take it there and then tell him if I am or not. You know, in private.” My knee bounces briskly up and down next to Nick. My hands are shaking and my insides are all discombobulated with nerves. I can’t believe I might be pregnant. I thought my calendar was on track and our pull and pray method was good enough, but I guess we’ll see.

“Yeah, that makes sense,” Nick concedes. My last period can be traced back to two months ago and besides being late, I’ve been tired and nauseous all week.

“Do you think he’ll be okay with this? I mean the tour is over soon and then he’ll be back home to record.”

“It’s with you. I think he’ll love anything you give him.” He chuckles and I blush, loving the fact that Ben loves me as much as he does.

“What about you, kid? You sure you’re ready?” Throwing me a curve ball, I ponder that for a minute. Ben and I haven’t talked about having kids or anything, but I’ve known it was going to be in my future eventually, just maybe sooner than I thought.

“It’s scary. Definitely unexpected. But it’s a piece of Ben and I and knowing that we’re going to be a family is…kinda like faith.” Confused by my answer he gives me a contorted look.

“I know that sounds weird. But my faith sometimes doesn’t make sense or it comes out of nowhere and pulls me through some of the hardest times in my life and Ben and I could use some good news. We could use a little reward of faith in our marriage. This possible baby could be a blessing and reminder that we were meant to be together and can fight anything that comes our way.”

“His battles you mean?”

“Remember, they aren’t his battles to fight alone. I won’t give up on him just because the life I signed up for with him isn’t the life I expected. I want Ben and with that means I’ll have to fight his battles as if they were my own.”

Pulling back up to the bus, he looks over to me, seeming dumbfounded. “You know, you are one of the strongest people I’ve ever met. You honestly have no idea how special and incredible you are. Ben is the luckiest man to have found someone so accepting and loyal to her man.”

“God made me this way, he taught me real faith.”

“No Sadie, God showed you a path. The way you traveled it, is purely you.”

“And how are you not married, Nick?” I tease, pushing his shoulder and breaking up the heavy. He pays the cabbie and we climb out.

“Not for me. Been there, done that, now let’s get going.” Wait, Nick has been married before? Ben never said anything about it and Nick doesn’t seem like a player or a man who is only interested in flings, but he definitely doesn’t seem like the kind to ever have been married. He seems kind of like a floater.

“Yeah, sure.”

I’m more curious now to know Nick’s story as we step onto the bus.

“Angel,” Ben says matter-of-factly. I look up and smile at his attire. He’s freshly shaved and dressed like he’s ready to go out.

“Hey, you look very handsome.” I put my bag on the counter and walk into his waiting arms. This is the first time outside of him playing shows or promoting the band, that he has gotten out of bed or left the back room. I smell his body wash and his warm body heat can be felt under his clothes.

“You look stunning, did you get everything you need?”

“I did.” My cheek lays against his chest and my eyes meet Nick giving me a knowing nod. This has to be a good sign—coming back to him in a good mood, freshly showered and energized.

God is listening to my prayers.

“Good, I was thinking we could go sightseeing. I hear there’s a carnival in town.”

“Ferris wheels! Yay!” I laugh like a school girl.

“You like Ferris wheels?” I nod rapidly and lean up to kiss his lips. I give him a quick peck and leave his embrace.

“I’ll explain when you get me on one!” I yell excitedly, heading for the door. I’m ready to get off this bus and spend a worry free afternoon with him.

“Alright, guess we’re going. See you later, boys.”

§

“Snuggle in close, baby.” We get comfortable on the ferris wheel, stomachs full with hot dogs, cotton candy and enough soda to have a sugar high for a month. I place the teddy bear he won me in the empty space next to me as I snuggle in close.

The cart starts to rise and I close my eyes, taking in a deep breath, feeling alive for the first time in weeks. I use all my senses and feel Ben all around me. I’ve missed it, missed the unexpected touches, missed when he’s not high or angry or asleep, but when he’s fully here with me like he was when we first met.

“So why ferris wheels?” he asks, kissing my temple.

“Papa asked mama to marry him at the top of a ferris wheel.”

“Nice. I knew Stan was a stone cold pimp.”

“Hardly, he was just a romantic.” I shrug, opening my eyes when the wind catches my hair and the ride stops, letting me know we’ve reached the top. Ben’s brown eyes watch me with intensity.

“About that. Sorry I’ve been slacking in the romance department.” The Northern California sun is setting and you can see the lake off in the distance, glistening with yellows and vibrant oranges.

“You’ve been preoccupied,” I admit, kissing his neck briskly.

“Thank you for helping me. I can’t imagine it’s been easy on you.”

“It hasn’t, but it’s been worth it.”

“Is it?” he questions, gaining my full attention.

“What do you mean?”

“Do you still love me as much as you did the day we got married?” I cradle his face as the setting sun casts a halo around his handsome face. He looks like an angel.

“I love you more every day. For better or worse, remember?” I take my other hand and tangle our fingers together. Bringing his to my lips, I give his ring a gentle kiss. I never want him to doubt my love for him. Ever.

“You’re my better.”

“You’re mine.” He smirks and we kiss again, this time not separating. We go around a few more times until the sun is gone and the night air has grown colder.

“What do you say we get out of here. I got us a hotel and I hear the beds are comfortable and the jacuzzi bathtub is screaming our names.” He is one step ahead of me.

“Sounds like a plan, baby.” With a wink, we climb off the ferris wheel and catch an Uber, only stopping at the bus to grab some overnight items before hitting the swanky bed and breakfast.

Once inside the room Ben removes himself to have a smoke and I take a minute to take my test. With all the time we have spent today laughing and talking like old times, I feel now is the perfect time. I wait the three minutes, thinking about a beautiful little baby who looks just like Ben. Big brown eyes, a raspy little voice and baby lips so pouty like his.

I see a better life where Ben is content and sober with a little girl perched on his knee, learning to play the piano. My phone timer goes off and I take the world’s longest, deepest breath.

Here we go.

Lifting the test, I stare at the word flashing across the tiny screen.

Pregnant. Pregnant. Pregnant.

I read it over and over again, my eyes glistening and my smile deepening. We’re pregnant. I’m gonna be a mama—Ben is gonna be a daddy—the best one there ever was. This is our blessing after a hard start to our marriage. All we fought for is here and now, our love’s purpose is fulfilled and it’s surreal.

“Baby, let’s take a bath!” Ben calls from inside the room, on the other side of the bathroom door.

“Yes! Okay, just one second.” I hide the test, unable to wipe the smile from my face or calm the butterflies dancing an Irish river dance in my belly. Closing my toiletry bag just as he opens the door, I spin and smile at his form taking up the door way.

He’s already undressed down to his boxer briefs and I’m overwhelmed at the sight. Just four minutes ago he was my husband and I thought that made my love for him strong, but now he’s the father to our child and the feeling has multiplied exponentially.

“What’s that big smile for, angel? You’re fucking glowing.” Wrapping his tattooed arm around me, he swoops me up into him just like he always does, but today it feels more special.

“It was just a beautiful day with you. How about that bath?”

§

“I really loved your letter. It was sweet. You have a way with words, angel.”

“I have to keep up with my lyrical husband.” I’m snuggled between Ben’s legs, his arms wrapped around my shoulders and dangling lazily near my chest as I play with his long thick fingers, that are now calloused from all the instruments he plays.

“You do alright for yourself.” We laugh in unison.

“How do you feel?” I ask the question of the day.

“About?”

“Your sobriety. Is it getting easier?” He waits to answer, his body staying relaxed behind me. I hope we’re safe to talk about it.

“Yes and no, somedays it’s almost unbearable.”

“Is the therapy helping? I know it’s not traditional, but is it helping?” Ben and I knew that he was committed to the tour, the dates set, and so on. So we had to find a therapist who he could spend an hour or two a day meditating with and talking through his rage and urges.

“It’s working for the moment, but if I’m gonna stay clean, I need to get proper treatment and go to groups.” I’m shocked. He was against this type of therapy for quite some time and now he seems more than open to it, in fact he seems sure of it.

“You want that?”

“I want you, Sadie, and I can’t keep bringing you down with me.” I drop my eyes to the still water.

“Are you going to resent me for that one day?” The last thing I want in this life or any life hereafter is to have Ben look at me as a regret.

“You saved my life. Getting clean is something I need to do.”

“I’m not a savior, Ben. I just want you here forever. The thought of you overdosing or fighting and getting…” I can’t even mumble the word. Falling silent, I know he knows the dangers.

“I know and I realize that. Don’t worry, angel. I’m getting there. It’s okay.” The water is hot but my body feels chilled, the shiver in my spine is all I notice.

“I’m going to see my dad.”

“What?” I turn, facing him, the water sloshing about.

“Yeah.” His eyes zero in on me and his mouth draws into a straight line.

“Are you sure you’re ready for that?”

“No, but my therapist said she thinks it will help me move past everything.” I don’t voice my hesitation on the fact that I fear this will do the opposite. “Besides, I have so much I want to say to him, and maybe letting him know those dark feelings will release them and help me get better.”

“When do you want to do that?” I run my hands over his face, cradling his chin in my palms.

“We play Arizona at the end of the tour. I’m going then.”

“That’s soon. Does he know you’re coming?”

He shakes his head no, the fear and doubt wavering in his eyes—he’s scared to face his demons.

“I’ll be right beside you. I’ll go with you.”

He runs his wet hands up and down my extended arms, the touch soothing. “You don’t have to do that, he’s a monster and I don’t want to mix you up with my past.”

“Stop that. You’re not going to mix me up, I’m your wife. I have your back and I will be there every step of the way, just like I will with getting you clean.”

He searches me over, looking me up and down, assessing my entire body as if I’m a mirage. “Fuck, I love you.”

I love seeing Ben becoming a stronger person, seeing him face his past and attempt to piece together his future.

“And I love you.” With our love bubble of truth surrounding us, I know now more than ever I can share our news.

“I have to tell you something.” I keep his face in my hands and straddle his waist. His cock grows under me and reaching between us, I begin to stroke the smooth, pronounced veiny shaft with my small palm.

“Oh yeah, shit.” He drops his head back and groans, his throat bobbing.

“You know how much I love you?” He lifts his head with as much willpower as he can as I sit up on my knees and line him up with my entrance.

“More than I deserve.” He grabs my hips and takes control, guiding me down on his cock. I moan at his invasion, it spreads me open and the connection of skin on skin with our news on the tip of my eager tongue, I bare my news.

“Ben, I’m pregnant.” I cry as he slams me down again. Opening my eyes once settled with no further movement, his eyes widen.

“What?”

I smile, nodding. “I’m pregnant.”

“No. No you’re not. Fuck.” Lifting me off his cock, he pushes me back and stands from the water, grabbing a towel and leaving the bathroom faster than I have time to process what’s happening. When my brain starts working again and I regain my bearings, realizing he didn’t take that the way I thought he would. I read this all wrong.

My body goes cold and numb, moving on autopilot. I just told my husband that I’m pregnant and he literally pushed me away. I hear him cursing outside of the bathroom and that puts me into motion. Climbing out of the bath, I do a terrible job of toweling off and tying my robe sloppily.

Rounding the bathroom corner into the bedroom, I see he’s now fully dressed and pacing a hole into the carpet.

“Ben, what was that?” I ask stepping up to him.

“You’re pregnant. Tell me this is a joke.”

I step back, my body freezing up with a small gasp escaping from my lips. I’m more than hurt by that comment, I’m devastated. How could he call our child an attempt at a really terrible joke?

“You’re such an asshole. How could you say that in a moment like this?” I find my voice.

“How could you get pregnant!” he yells, stopping his pacing and turning in on me.

“Excuse me, but you were there too. I didn’t do this alone, or on purpose, if that is the next thing you plan to accuse me of!” I can’t believe he’s reacting like this.

“You said you don’t do birth control cause of your bullshit religion and you said you were counting and guaranteed we were good. This is your fault!” I almost slap him, that entire statement degrading me and fracturing my heart.

“My religion isn’t bullshit and I’m sorry that our child seems to be my fault. I don’t believe you, I don’t even know who you are right now, Ben.”

“You know who I am. I don’t want a fucking child. Have you not been here these past few months, Sadie! My blood is bad, you want to fucking spawn that!”

“Stop talking about our child like they’re trash!” I get in his face, ignoring his woah is me excuses.

His chest is heaving and his hot breath is coming out heavily against my face. “I don’t want a child. I won’t let it be fucked up by me.”

“Well, I’m not going to give up my child.” Is he asking me what I think he is? To have an abortion? God, who is he? I think I’m going to be sick.

This room feels like a dungeon and I’m trapped with a very dangerous man.

“I guess we’re at odds then,” he hisses, leaving a cold draft in the air as he grabs his jacket and storms out.

I fall to my knees and scream into my hands, the tears pouring out of me. My heart is trying to escape out of my chest by squeezing its way through my throat. I feel bile rising and I run to the bathroom, losing everything—physically and emotionally.

When nothing is left, I stand and look in the mirror. I shake my head and continue to cry, my heart no longer whole, my mind no longer sane. I’ve lost a part of me and Ben took it in his hands.

I see the test in my bag and like my heart snapped, so do I. I take the bag and throw it across the bathroom, watching it shatter and bounce off the walls. Looking back in the mirror, I see the cross on my neck and before I can stop myself, I yank at the chain and scream, ripping it from me and throwing it as if it were acid.

I have dedicated my life to God, given him everything and all my indestructible faith. But when I needed him most, he never answered. There couldn’t be a God that would leave me alone and dead inside.

Just like he left me, I abandon my faith. Nothing can take back what was said and done tonight. Nothing.

§