‘I’m so sorry, Katy. I’ve let you down.’ I heard my quiet voice break the dark silence in our bedroom.

‘Why on earth would you say that?’ I heard the exclamation come from the bed next to me. ‘Don’t be crazy, you haven’t let me down, never apologise for living your life, Lily. Not to me, never to me.’

‘You warned me to stay away from him and one of the first chances I got, I fell into his arms.’

‘Are you really sure you want to start this thing with Jack, Lily?’

There was the question.

‘Katy, I know this sounds ridiculous, but I have never been more certain of anything in my life. I almost need to do it.’

‘But what about your parents and your engagement situation?’ I could see her arms waving about in my peripheral view.

I turned my head towards her bed with its plain cream duvet. I couldn’t make out her face, but I could see she was lying on her back the same as me, thinking. It may have been the early hours of the morning, but neither of us sounded like we were going to get any sleep anytime soon. I thought of the man who had kissed me just an hour ago and then walked me home holding my hand. His bedroom was just on the other side of the wall, next to where I was stretched out in my comfortable bed. I reached out and placed my palm flat against the cool wall.

‘I’m realising rapidly that I want more from life. Until a few weeks ago I thought I had everything… I’m sure my life seemed perfect, from the outside looking in. But the longer I’m away from his expectations and rules, the more I’m coming to terms with the fact that it is far from perfect, and I don’t want it… I don’t want any of it.’

‘I can understand that, truthfully I don’t know how you lived like it for the amount of years you did. I’m sure people who don’t know you well would think that it was perfect, but not me. I’m so pleased we managed to get you out. I’ve wanted you to see more than the future they had mapped out for you. I wanted you to have a choice and although that choice won’t be easy, I feel that here you may at least have one. I’ve always felt that you, my best friend, were a beautiful butterfly trapped in a cocoon… Although, I have to say, I am worried that you may be jumping from the frying pan into the fire. I love Jack, he’s a great friend, but as I’ve said before he and Charlie are not boyfriend material.’

I noticed she had added Charlie to the “not boyfriend material” group. I heard her crisp sheets rustle and then I felt her hand as it reached across the small gap between our beds to find mine. I found her fingers and grabbed hold, squeezing it in thanks for her solidarity.

‘Sorry, Katy. I know you warned me off Jack. I know I told you I would friend zone him, but I’ve never felt more alive than when I’m in his company and when he touches me, it’s like my body jerks awake.’

‘I think I always knew you two would end up seeing each other, even before you arrived here. He’s been different with you than with anyone else I’ve ever seen him with. Long may it continue… I’m just unsure he’s capable of a relationship with anyone. I don’t want you to get hurt.’

‘What do they say? It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?’

‘Mmmm, but it hurts like hell.’

‘Does it?’ I propped myself up on my elbow and stared down at her inert form. She nodded her head in the darkness. ‘Sorry you’ve been hurt, Katy. What fool would turn you down? He must be mad.’

‘Yeah, imagine turning down a gorgeous babe like me, eh?’ I heard the laughter in her voice, but it went deeper than that. The laughter was her cloak to hide behind.

‘One day you’ll have to tell me.’

‘One day I will… Enjoy yourself with Jack, Lily… live and laugh with him, try not to get too involved. It makes it easier that way.’

‘I’ll try… anyway how can I do anything else? I’m engaged, he knows it and I know it. I know he doubts my commitment to it, but even so that’s a huge barrier standing in the way of anything serious. I know he’s kissed me tonight, but once the daylight comes and he finds I’m still engaged, and unable to do anything about it. I’m sure he’ll just put it down to experience. Let’s face it… he could have anybody around here, why would he want a woman who is four years older than him? An inexperienced virgin who has more crap in her life than a sewerage plant.’ That was an attempt at making the atmosphere in the room lift a little, but neither of us laughed. Our thoughts were weighing us both down.

‘What you fail to see is he may just want you for you, no rules, no mapped-out future, just you. Because I know he sees you just as I do, I’ve seen the way he looks at you.’

‘Oh God, Katy… this has the possibility of becoming a complete mess. Or going tits up as you say.’

We both giggled at my use of words.

‘It does, but it also has the possibility of becoming the start of the rest of your life. I meant what I said the other day, I’ll help you find a way out of this situation. I want you to have the life you choose.’

‘Thanks. Do you know how much I love you?’

‘I do and ditto.’ I felt her squeeze my hand again.

I lay back down on my bed. Exhaustion was overcoming my body, I just needed to turn off my brain to get some sleep. Within a few minutes, I heard Katy’s breathing as it evened out and she fell asleep next to me. I lay unable to sleep, with one hand still holding hers and the other firmly pressed against the wall next to my bed. I held on with both hands to the life I now knew that without a doubt I wanted. But that wasn’t what kept me awake, the thing that kept my eyes open and staring at the ceiling was the one question I had no answer for.

When you belong to a family like mine, how do you ever break free?

I didn’t sleep at all and at seven a.m. I decided to give up. I made my way out into the living area and looking around at the mess I resolved to tidy up, it wasn’t my turn but I needed the escape.

As quietly as I could manage, I spent the next hour and a half trying to keep my thoughts at bay. I swept the floor, dusted, washed up and put everything away.

Finally, I sat down at the clean table with some fruit and yoghurt. I chopped and peeled everything, put them in my breakfast bowl and stirred. I had absolutely no appetite, my insides hadn’t stopped churning since Katy had fallen asleep last night, to be honest since Jack had kissed me on the forehead as we went our separate ways in the hallway.

I had never been a deceitful person. I knew that I had concealed certain facts from my parents about starting university, but I hadn’t lied. I had just kept some of the information to myself.

‘Penny for them?’ I heard the voice I had been dreading, but at the same time desperate to hear again.

I spun my head around to our doorway to find Jack leaning on the frame of the open door. He was wearing gym shorts, with trainers on his feet and that was all. His blond hair was wet with sweat and was stuck down flat to his forehead in various places. He had a small towel around his shoulders that every now and again he lifted to blot at his glistening face. His eyes drew me to them, he was searching out mine and I knew he was just trying to read how I felt the morning after our kiss.

Those eyes would be my downfall. I could see the mischief behind them and when his tongue hit the back of his top teeth in the cheeky way he smiled, I felt hot from the roots of my hair down to my toes. Finally, I could feel what I had only previously read about. This was attraction, this was lust and I wanted to experience the complete unabridged version with him.

‘Oh… I thought you were still asleep.’ I swept my eyes quickly up and down his body and swallowed down my nervousness.

‘I’ve been watching ya for five minutes and I know worry when I see it. Give me ten minutes to grab a shower and some clothes, then you and I are outta here. If you’re going to eat that breakfast do it quick and then get something warm to wear.’

He didn’t wait for my answer, he passed behind me and placed a kiss on the top of my head as he went by. I looked at my bowl one last time, maybe I’d be able to face it once we’d talked. I picked it up and put it in the fridge.

Walking down the corridor, I heard the running water in the bathroom. I tried hard to imagine what a naked Jack looked like. I’m sure he was just perfection. I closed my eyes as I made myself erase the thought.

I twisted the door handle of the room I shared with Katy as gently as I could and pushed it open just enough to sneak my hand around it to pull down a leather jacket that I had found at a local charity shop.

‘Going out?’ a dry, croaky voice asked.

‘Just for a while, I think Jack and I need to have a talk.’

‘Good idea, good luck.’

‘Thanks… see you soon.’

I waited in the living area for him to come back and sure enough he arrived clean from the shower in ten minutes. He strode into the open space, shoving a checked shirt into the waist of his jeans. His boots clomped on the tiles and I noticed that as usual they weren’t tied up. Everything about him was as normal apart from the look of pure happiness on his face.

‘Come on then, Lils, let’s go and get this over with.’ He opened the door for me to walk out in front of him.

‘Where are we going?’ I started down the stairs, holding tight to the banister.

‘For a drive.’ He rattled the keys in his left hand.

‘A drive?’

‘Yep, it always clears my head and while Charlie is sleeping off the obscene amount of alcohol he drunk last night we’re borrowing his truck.’

‘Are you allowed?’

‘Yes… what is it with you constantly thinking I’m too young?’

‘That is not what I meant, honestly.’ I looked up at him trying to convince him.

He smiled as he took off and bounded ahead of me to open the building’s main door in front of me.

‘Over there, the large black one.’

I followed his directions and jumped in the vehicle as soon as he had unlocked it. The engine started rapidly, and in no time he was reversing the truck out of the car park. He passed me over a small packet of Love Hearts. I turned them over in my hand and smiled my thanks. The small gift had lifted the atmosphere a little.

‘Go on then.’

‘Sorry?’

‘Spit out all the reasons in your head why we can’t see each other. You’ve had several hours and you must have thought up quite a few by now? So, let’s get on with it, you can give me your list of excuses and I can tell ya that I don’t give a damn about a single one of them. The only thing I care about is the fact that you want to be with me. I can sense it. I can see it in your eyes and by the way your body reacts to mine. I can smell it on you.’ Jack had one hand on the top of the wheel and his other on the gearstick as he drove the truck like an expert. We pulled out of the campus and started down the main road.

‘I do want to be with you, Jack. But, how can we?’ I looked down to my lap as I started to flick at my nails in embarrassment. Jack’s hand found one of mine and he picked it up bringing it to his mouth to gently kiss my fingers. A zing zipped around my body from that small touch.

‘Well, that’s a start… go on.’

‘My family are different… I’m beginning to see that the way I have been brought up is completely unlike… say, the way you and Katy have. My parents are old-fashioned, I was home schooled until I was at long last allowed to come to university to get a degree. My father has certain expectations of me…I have agreed to marry a friend of the family’s son... Anton.’

‘Anton… It’s an arranged marriage?’ He rolled his name around his mouth, obviously hating the sound of it as much as I did.

‘Yes, but it has nothing to do with any religion. It’s to do… well it’s to do with business.’

‘Business?’ I heard the anger in his tone. ‘Who the hell marries their daughter off for business?’

‘My father, apparently.’ He sighed at my answer.

‘I need to know one thing. Do you wanna be with him?’

“No… but that doesn’t make me free to be with you, either. This whole situation is a mess. My father would pull me out of here so quickly if he knew I was going against him.’

‘So, let me get this right, there’s no chance of you going home next weekend and just telling them straight?’ He turned his head towards me as he asked the question.

‘I don’t think anyone has ever told my father straight, about anything.’ I looked down once again to my lap.

‘You make him sound like part of the Mafia.’ Jack laughed slightly as he said the words and I swallowed down my fears. ‘Look this ain’t ideal. I’ve a bad track record, I’m sure Katy’s told you. I’ve never stayed with any girl longer than a week, but I do know that if I did, I wouldn’t be willing to share her. I want ya to know, that if you choose to find out what this is between us, I won’t force you to do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable at home or when we’re together. But Lily, I know I want to give this a try with you. There’s something between us, I feel it and I know you do, too.’

‘What if this with us is… just sex?’ I moved my index finger back and forwards between us.

I watched as Jack slung his head back and roared with laughter, luckily it was a contagious laugh that I just had to join in with. Jack slowed the truck down, we were driving along country lanes and it took a few minutes for Jack to get himself under control as well as drive the car competently.

‘And your problem with that is?’ He answered me just as he pulled the truck onto the start of an overgrown driveway and turned off the engine.

‘I’m completely inexperienced, Jack.’ I forced out.

‘Then we can have a lot of fun changing that situation at your pace, Lils. Then you can put us down to a university sexperience.’ He smiled at me.

‘Then I’d like to try.’ I giggled shyly and watched as he once again brought my fingers up to his lips.

‘Good… jump out, I wanna share something with ya.’ I started to open my door as he leapt out of his and ran around the front of the truck. He opened my door wide and held out his hand for mine. I jumped down and we started walking up the driveway.

‘Where are we going?’

‘This, Lils, is the place that one day I’m going to live in. I’ve never shown it to anyone else before. But I wanted to show you.’ He shrugged his shoulders.

We walked for at least ten minutes holding hands, fingers interwoven, comfortable in our silence. Eventually, the driveway ended and the overgrown shrubbery opened to reveal a large Georgian house. It was boarded up and had quite obviously not been lived in for many years, but beneath the holes in the roof, broken boards over the windows, and cracked rendering, even I could see its attraction.

‘It’s stunning, Jack.’ I looked up at him, he was staring at the house in complete awe.

‘So are you, Lils… thanks for saying yes.’ He placed his arm around my shoulders and drew me tight to his body and placed a kiss on the top of my head.