The really tasty chilli that Katy had made to feed at least eight people, had been consumed by the five of us in the flat. It seemed they had a rota of jobs which I would be added onto. They had long since sussed out that Katy was the best at cooking and she said it suited her to not be the one who picked other people’s pubes off the toilet each week.

That would probably be my job.

I had been left in a food coma and was laid out on one of the very old but comfortable settees, with my head resting by Katy’s lap as she caught up on her social media, and my legs hung over the arm of the chair. Jack was now washing up as he danced and sung around the kitchen with his earbuds in his ears. He had finally put on a light grey T-shirt and had at last buttoned up the fly on his jeans. I fought so hard not to watch him, but while Katy was so absorbed in what she was doing I followed my new “friend” as he moved around in time to the music. He seemed to have dancing down to a T, just another thing he seemed to be good at. I watched his hips thrust a couple of times towards the sink and turned my head quickly away.

I thought back to our meal.

I had been briefly introduced to Colin and Gemma, the only other people who shared our flat. They had the only other twin room, and the remaining single was now empty. A good friend of Jack’s often stayed over and I had learnt that he’d occasionally slept in it, before the housing department had locked the door, and now he slept on Jack’s floor when he was in no fit state to drive home. Colin and Gemma had long since retreated to their room. Apparently, they spent the majority of their time there, or out of the flat entirely. Both Katy and Jack assured me that I wouldn’t be seeing them around much.

While they had been nice, it had been almost impossible to keep a conversation going. We had been too captivated watching, as they had sucked, licked and stroked more of each other’s skin than I was sure ought to have been exposed at all, let alone at the dinner table. I had never seen anything pornographic before, but what I had just witnessed had made me blush and parts of me that I never even knew existed before, had sprung to life.

God! I was trying so hard not to be a prude.

I had tried so hard not to show how uncomfortable their overt displays of affection were making me feel, but I had struggled to eat. I didn’t want to dwell too long on why it made me feel so embarrassed. Was it my closeted upbringing, or the fact I wanted to try all those things out with the very attractive, blond-haired guy who had made it his afternoon’s entertainment to tease and, I was now convinced, flirt with me?

Eventually, after many glances my way, Jack took pity on me.

‘For fucks sake, Col, have some decency not to bring that appetite to the table. Lily’s new here and you’re putting her off her food… amongst other things.’

Everyone seated at the table had quickly looked at me and laughed. Gemma reached her hand across the table and held my forearm briefly. I had looked towards her in response.

‘Sorry, Lily… I forget how we are sometimes. But you know what it’s like when you’re in the “can’t keep your hands off each other” stage, don’t you?’ Gemma smiled her apology over to me.

‘Oh… yes, sure.’ I had answered quickly, knowing both Jack’s and Katy’s eyes were on me. Everyone got on with their meal, but Jack’s eyes didn’t leave my face. It was like I was being silently questioned. I wasn’t quite sure what answer he was looking for. I just met his look with one of my own.

It seemed that now was my ideal moment.

‘Of course, I know… I’m engaged… due to be married just as soon as I get my degree.’ I smiled as I said the words, although I was sure the smile didn’t quite make its way all the way up to my eyes. Hopefully Jack would take in the information and act accordingly.

Katy dropping her fork and spoon didn’t help my statement. It wasn’t a lie, but I hadn’t told her as I didn’t want to mix my newly found freedom with the chains that bound me back at home. ‘You never said… when did that happen?’

‘Just before I came here, I’ll tell you all the details later.’ She gave me a look, but the offer of being given further information later, seemed to be enough for now to make her get on with eating her dinner. Jack, however, placed his cutlery down gently onto his plate and he pushed it forward on the table.

‘That’s not like you, Jack.’ Katy looked at his unfinished meal. ‘You don’t normally give up until the end.’

‘Oh, I ain’t given up… in fact far from it. I’m just regrouping.’ He had answered Katy, but had never taken his eyes away from mine. He pushed his chair away making the legs of the chair scream out in protest on the tiled floor. ‘I’ve just remembered there’s something I need to do… Thanks for the dinner, Katy. I’ll be back to wash up.’ He had stood and then left, taking the oppression that had so quickly filled the room with him. I had let out a sigh and continued to push the chilli around my plate.

But now he was back in body and back once again in the forefront of my mind. How I was going to work with him a couple of times a week and share a living space with him, was completely beyond me.

I yawned and patted down the quilt cover over my inert form. I was tired and beginning to feel cold, and as I only had on a simple vest top and shorts set to sleep in, I needed the warmth from the quilt to flood into my system. I took a quick look around the room I shared with Katy, feeling more at home in it than I thought possible. She had been so kind already. My side of the room had been decorated in a soft cream colour before I’d even arrived, even with only a couple of days’ notice, and she had hung fairy lights on the shelves over my bed. A couple of frames hung on the wall to the side of my bed, which contained quotes. One was about learning to dance in the rain and the other I had read over and over again.

Be yourself.

It’s the only way to find out, who truly

loves you, for being you.

I loved it, for it’s almost effortless truth.

We had unpacked my case, and the few bits and pieces I had brought with me, with ease. The limited things I wanted to wear had been hung up and placed in the two drawers available to me and the rest was still in my case and shoved under the bed. The clothes in the case would travel home at weekends with me and the new things I wanted to buy would stay here, so my two lives could co-exist comfortably, side by side.

Katy fell into her bed and the mattress let out a small complaint. I smiled hearing the noise. I didn’t know how I was ever going to sleep tonight, I was beyond excited about being here with her and sharing the room together. I was looking forward to the laughter and secrets we would share.

She let out a loud groan. ‘At last… So, I’ve been waiting. You said you would tell me how you now come to find yourself engaged? I’m all ears, as the last time we spoke you were saying that you felt like sometimes you didn’t even like him?’ I watched as her face crinkled up in repugnance.

‘Mmmm, well… where do I start?’ I sat up, clutching the quilt around me as I did so. ‘Basically, one of the criteria for being allowed to come here was my engagement before I left home.’ I looked at her stunned face and I tight lipped a small smile over to her, immediately regretting my declaration.

‘When you speak I hear lots of words, but my brain shut down the moment I heard “criteria” and “allowed.”’ I could hear the concern in her voice. ‘Okay, do you even want to marry what’s-his-name?’

‘I… It’s not quite as simple as that, Katy, and his name’s Anton.’

‘Do you love him… sorry Anton?’

I refused to lie to her, but I wasn’t yet willing to share how much Anton repulsed me. ‘No, I don’t love him. But I know that strong marriages can be built upon mutual respect.’ I answered with a light tone of voice, hoping she would follow suit and not take this conversation down the dangerous path that I felt it was heading.

‘Maybe… I know I’m looking for more than that. I know that doesn’t mean I hold the conclusive manual on having a happy relationship. In fact, I’m fully aware of that.’ She sighed as she spoke the last few words. ‘So, let’s put it another way, will he allow you to live your life? Will he support you and encourage you as a person?’

‘We have the same goals, Katy. Family means everything to us, it’s a great place to start.’

I watched as she got out of her covers and repositioned herself to sit cross-legged on the very edge of her bed nearest to me, placing her hands on her shin bones. ‘Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him?’

‘We have been promised to each other, by our families.’ I swallowed down the burning bile that had just hit the back of my throat as my stomach churned against itself in my discomfort. This was the very conversation I had been refusing to have with myself. It was just like Katy to read my innermost thoughts and fears, and bring them kicking and screaming up to the surface. ‘It’s not that simple.’

‘Lily, you are a woman of the twenty-first century, we live in a mostly civilised society… it is, believe me, that simple.’

‘My family are old-fashioned, they have different views than most people in modern-day society. They want to make sure I end up with a man who can look after me.’

I watched as Katy threw her arms up into the air. ‘I get that completely; all parents want their daughters and sons to be in a union where they are looked after by their significant others. But most of them want other things for their children as well.’ She questioned me with a look.

‘Of course, they want other things for me.’

‘Good! As I haven’t met them in all the time I’ve known you, I need to ask. What else do you think they want for you, Lily?’

I felt my cheeks begin to colour as I wracked my brain to search for an answer to her question. But I couldn’t find anything that caring, loving parents would want for their children.

Silent tears started to roll down my cheeks.

‘I don’t know,’ I lied.

I knew exactly what they wanted. But none of the things would back up my flimsy argument, in fact it would cement hers. It wasn’t that I couldn’t accept her being right, I wasn’t that sort of person. It was the realisation that my father didn’t care if my life was what I wanted it to be, and my mum was too weak to stand up against him. In short, my life was mapped out with what he wanted, me being happy didn’t even factor into it. I listed the things in my head.

Control.

Obedience.

Submission.

Compliance.

Grandchildren to carry on the family line. All of the words meant the same. They ran around my head, beating out a tattoo.

The sudden awareness that I was nothing more than a breeding mare in my father’s game of life hit me like a sledge hammer. The tears came faster now and I let out a sob. Immediately, Katy was on my bed with me, pushing me over to one side until she had enough room to lie down beside me and pull me down into her arms as I cried.

‘I’m sorry, Lils… The last thing I wanted to do was to upset you, believe me. But I’ve been reading between the lines for a while and I don’t think you want to marry him at all? I want you to see it before it’s too late.’

‘It’s already too late, Katy. But I’ve only just comprehended it.’

‘Nothing is ever too late, we’ll work something out. I promise.’