‘Are you sure you’ll be alright?’ I heard my mum ask as I started to climb the stairs to my room.

I turned my head to look for her. She stood looking nervous at the foot of the stairs, holding onto the solid oak newel post with both hands, and gave me a questioning look. ‘It’s just a headache. I’m sure once I’ve rested for a while, I’ll be fine. Please give our guests my apologies,’ I replied, as I offered her a small smile of reassurance and carried on moving as quickly as I thought I could get away with. I wasn’t convinced anymore that I was managing to satisfy her with my words. I knew that she had seen the look in my eyes a few times as I had struggled to keep my tongue in my head. As luck would have it, it seemed that my father was far too preoccupied with business and our extended family to notice the change in me.

I had to constantly remind myself that my point of view would not be welcomed here and would cost me everything I had been working towards. I knew I wasn’t strong enough to fight everyone, so like a coward I stood by and kept my mouth shut. But even doing that was taking its toll on me. I wanted to get back to Jack and Katy. The thought of messing up and not getting back to them was making me feel ill.

So, like a seasoned actress, day after day for the last two weeks, I’d played my part as well as I could.

But I needed space this evening. I needed to get away from my self-inflicted role, my parents and our sitting room, which was filled with people. Although I had known some of them all my life, they felt like strangers now. I couldn’t believe that I was once comfortable with these people. I refused to believe that I had once been as subservient as the other women, but knew that I must have been. We were merely possessions in our male family members’ eyes and I hated it.

The Christmas break was slowly killing me from the inside out.

I hadn’t wanted to come home. Truth be told I would have gone anywhere rather than here, but knew better than to ask. I had heard how others at university had told their parents they were going to stay with friends and wouldn’t be home for the break. I’m sure their parents would have been sad, but they accepted their children’s wishes. I knew that there was no way I could have even voiced my desires.

My parents were doing the entertaining this year and a week ago our house had become the hub for two other families as well as us. My “uncle,” “aunt,” Anton, and his two sisters were staying with us, along with another family from my father’s homeland, the Antonescus, who had also been invited to stay.

I was beginning to feel like a stranger in my own home. It was so hard keeping up the pretence that I was the same person that had left for university three months ago. I watched as the other women took care of the males in their family. Their every whim was accommodated, no questions asked. The men, including my father, expected obedience and that was exactly what they got.

That was why I had feigned a headache. I couldn’t watch and I refused to pretend anymore today.

But most of all I needed to escape Anton.

He hadn’t, if he could help it, let me out of his sight the whole holiday and was constantly touching me, almost testing me to see how I reacted. I had to force a smile onto my face, and will every muscle in my body not to flinch under his touch. He had even suggested to my father that he allow us to share my bedroom as we were engaged and the house was so full of other people all needing a bed.

Thank God, my father had refused.

The Antonescus had a son, Ioan, who was also eligible for marriage. Ioan had made it clear, several times over the last few days, that if Anton wasn’t man enough for me then he would help me out. He had turned up a few days ago in the stable as I was getting Beauty ready for a ride out.

“Lily.”

My eyes closed and my hand immediately pulled too tight on the girth at the sound of his voice, causing Beauty to wince and move her hooves suddenly.

“There, girl. Sorry,” I whispered to her, patting her flank.

I spun around to see Ioan walking through the open stable door and closing it behind him. I glanced down, checking where I had put my riding crop.

“Ioan, can I help you?”

I watched as a sinister smile flew over his mouth. He came nearer to me and I instinctively stood closer to Beauty, finding strength in her solid bulky presence.

“I’m sure you could help me, Lily, as I could also help you.” He cupped his erection through his smart trousers, leaving me in absolutely no doubt what his meaning was behind the words he had just spoken.

Feeling a wave of terror wash over me, my hand felt down for the riding crop. I pressed the tips of my fingers onto the seam of the leather handle, making sure I could pick it up quickly if I needed to.

“I’m engaged to Anton.”

“I know and that’s what makes you so very attractive to me. When he doesn’t satisfy your needs, come and find me, Lily. I’ll show you what a real man can do for you.”

I grabbed my riding crop and flicked it down fast on top of his hand that held his erection.

“Fuck! You fucking little whore!” Ioan leapt back, clasping his other hand over the welt that my crop had drawn on the surface of his skin. Then he burst into maniacal laughter that sent shudders down my spine.

“How dare you? You wait until my father hears of this.”

He released his hand, grabbed hold of my throat, pushing his dirty nails into my neck, and pulled me forward into his body. “Your father isn’t quite the man he would have you believe, my time will come and no one, not you, nor your impotent father will get in my way.” As soon as he had spoken he pushed me away. I touched my hand to the bruised skin on my neck, unshed tears filling my eyes

I watched frozen in panic, still holding the crop up high in my other hand as he left the stable the same way he had come in. A figure was waiting right outside of the door. A sense of relief fleetingly swept through my body, until I heard the voice.

“You were so fucking sure of yourself… I told you she was frigid.” Anton’s voice sent shockwaves around my body.

“Our time will come my friend.” I heard them walking away, crunching the gravel beneath their feet and slapping each other on the back.

Once they had both gone, I finished saddling up Beauty as fast as I could. In a bid to escape my rising terror and act normal like the encounter had never happened, I left. Only it wasn’t normal, tears fell down my face as I ran question after question around my head. What sort of people were these? I couldn’t believe that my father so eagerly shared his home, and me, with them.

I was beginning to worry that my father was seriously considering his options between the two men. But only his options. I was sure that which option would be best for me had never even entered his head.

I had become the subject of some competition for Anton and Ioan Antonescu as they had both begun to make a play for my attention. They hadn’t a clue how to seduce a woman and I thought how far off the mark they were. Jack who was several years younger than them both, knew just how to give a woman the kindness and consideration she required until she became responsive to him. To them I was just a pawn that they thought they could bully into surrender. They were thoroughly enjoying the competition of fighting amongst themselves to take over my family’s business. Seduction and romance was not how they worked, as far as I could tell. They saw something they wanted, and they took it.

I had spent so much time over the last week with them both pawing at me like I was meat hung in the butcher’s shop, that I’d had time to notice everything abhorrent about them both. Not only did Anton have constantly sweaty hands, but his breath also smelt. A sour, dirty smell of something rotting that made my stomach roll every time he leant in close to claim me as his. Ioan had yellowing teeth and a scar that ran from his eye downwards on the left side of his cheek. I knew from listening to the men’s conversation that it was a scar given to him by a woman who could no longer stand to be near to him. Whoever she was I commended her.

I had a lot in common with that woman.

Being away from this place had opened my eyes, now I was struggling against the tide to shut them. I was witnessing many things that made me baulk.

Even worse than the feelings of fear that the two men had made rise inside me, were things I had started to pick up on over the weekends before Christmas, things that at first I had found unbelievable. My father was a trader, that was what our family business was based on. I knew this because I had asked him when I was younger and he had said he bought and sold what other people most desired. I was sure that this had meant he was in the import and export business.

Now, with the house being full of other “business men,” I was hearing snippets of exactly what it was that other people desired, and the realisation had me feeling ill, uncomfortable and extremely vulnerable.

It appeared that the way my father earnt money to put food on our table was through gambling, drugs, prostitution and, worst of all, human trafficking. I started to see my father for exactly who he was, even his paid-for, upper-class English accent couldn’t fool me now. He was part of the Eastern European mafia and, it appeared, a wolf in sheep’s clothing. The pain of realising that one of your parents had fed off other people’s pain was abhorrent. I was finding it increasingly difficult to even talk to him, let alone hold a conversation. To say my feelings had begun to change towards him was a huge understatement.

Finally, I entered my room. I leant my back against the door and felt with my left hand down the smooth wood until it connected with what I wanted to find. The cold metal in my fingers gave me comfort. I turned the key in my lock with conviction, the reassuring sound of the metal finding its home had me letting out a breath I hadn’t realised I was holding.

I removed Anton’s engagement ring from my finger, slapping the awful thing down on top of the chest of drawers nearest to me, and made my way over to my dressing table to find my Christmas present from Jack, Katy and Charlie.

It was therapeutic, I felt myself relax immediately. I was shedding one life and exchanging it for my other.

I was now the very proud owner of an iPhone, and a packet of Love Hearts sweets from Jack for nearly every day that we would be apart. The iPhone and my sweets had fast become my only solace since I had opened the package in my room, in the dark on Christmas evening. When I wasn’t in my room, I kept the phone turned off and hidden away in my jewellery box.

I turned it on, watching as the screen lit up and the phone jumped to life. I had three messages. Two from Jack and one from Katy.

I let my eyes skim down Katy’s first. She was just checking I was ok and telling me that Charlie had turned up twice in the last few days at her house to take her out, and lastly that she couldn’t wait until next week to see me. I replied, saying that I was managing, and I sent her a happy face with love hearts for eyes at the fact Charlie had been to see her. I also told her I was counting down the days until I saw her again. I didn’t add that I couldn’t wait to escape what had become my prison.

I swiped back and looked at the two messages waiting for me from Jack. Every day he sent me at least one and they had very quickly become the highlight of my existence.

I made myself get changed and climbed into bed to read Jack’s messages. I wanted to be able to spend time reading and re-reading every word, again and again. I wanted to get lost in thoughts of him in one of my few places of comfort.

Hey Lils

Christmas break has busied up. My sister Bella flew back from New York yesterday and my mum is in her element, cooking up a storm. All her babies at home and under one roof, makes her very happy. Charlie and I went for a drink last night and apparently he’s been to see Katy over the break… wonders will never cease, eh?

It’s no fucking good, forget what I’ve just written. I just can’t play this pretend game anymore, Lils. I’ve tried so fucking hard to make this a normal conversation. I can’t do it!

Do you know how much I want you here with me?

I want to hold you so much that my body is in fucking pain.

I can still taste you, that makes you mine.

Hope that bastard Anton is keeping his hands off you? After a couple of beers last night, I wanted to come and find you, but I don’t know where you live.

I’m missing you, in fact I’m missing you like fucking crazy. I miss your green eyes. I miss your laughter and I miss making you blush.

Most of all I miss your beautiful face as you fall apart in my arms, in fact it’s all I fucking think about.

Jack x

I ran my finger over his words, imagining in my head that I could hear his deep voice, fed with what sounded like desperation as he spoke them, and thought how lucky it was that he didn’t know where I lived. I knew just how protective he was and him turning up here wouldn’t end well. In fact, I quickly grasped that he must never find out where I lived. I didn’t want my two lives mixing. I couldn’t put Jack or Katy at risk. I touched the second message from him, to open it up.

Remember us being apart isn’t for forever.

Remember how I hold you.

Remember how I touch you,

but most of all remember how I love you. ☺

His words floored me and brought tears to my eyes. Did he mean he loved me? Or was he talking about the way he touched me? I had very quickly understood that I felt love from just the way he looked after me. I felt love from his hands, his lips and his eyes.

That must be what he meant.

I started to type out my reply, feeling the happiest I had felt all day at the very basic connection I now had with him. I typed, erased and re-worded, thinking hard about the fact he knew me enough to read between the lines and I didn’t want to upset his family Christmas.

Hi Baby

I miss you too! So very much. Can’t wait for next week.

It’s fine here, getting through each day and counting down until I see you again. The house is full of people that I’d rather not spend time with and that includes Anton. The house no longer feels like home. ☹ I need you and Katy in it to feel at home.

And oh, Jack, how I remember!

I can’t wait to be back in your arms.

Remembering your smile is what’s keeping me going.

Lily

Xxx

There was so much more I wanted to say to him. But knowing how it would bring out his overprotective streak I couldn’t say any of it, so I kept the conversation as light as I could. My family’s secrets were beginning to eat away at my insides, to eat away at the person I was rather than the person they insisted I had to be. I wouldn’t inflict that on one of the few people who had shown me nothing but understanding and kindness.

My father was a liar and I was slowly beginning to hate the stranger he was being revealed to be.

Did my mum know what he did? I could only think that she must have had her suspicions. Did she choose to ignore them? Or did she just not care?

The fact that I had been so very wrong about my parents was heart breaking.

Everything that I had, had been bought with money that had possibly cost others their lives.

I was living in a house of cards just waiting for it to collapse around my ears. But, I realised, only after it had collapsed, would I then see the true colours of everyone around me as they finally played their hands.

I just couldn’t see how I was going to escape, but I knew I needed to, and soon.