Ava
I couldn’t do this anymore. The tugging and pulling between me and James, the constant questions… it felt like I would never escape our past, no matter what we did now. We had slept together but it had felt like a temptation I hadn’t been able to resist, not an answer to the questions I’d had for fifteen years.
Seeing him every day in his office, working through all the money he made, when I knew that nothing would ever come of it was nothing more than torture. James was impossible. He always had been, but it was worse now. I had no right to him, no way to claim a part in his life the way I thought I had before.
“Can I see Mr. Thompson?” I asked the receptionist in Caleb’s building. “I don’t have an appointment.”
She looked in her book and shook her head.
“I’m sorry. He’s fully booked today.”
“Ava?” Caleb asked me and I turned around. He had his blazer on, briefcase in hand, ready to leave. “Are you okay?” His gaze was on my face and he looked concerned.
I wanted to tell him yes, of course, I was alright, why wouldn’t I be? Instead, a lump rose in my throat out of nowhere and I couldn’t speak. I nodded.
Caleb glanced at his wristwatch.
“I have to be somewhere. Will you meet me in an hour?” he looked at the receptionist who nodded like she understood his next meeting would be canceled.
“I’ll wait,” I managed to say in a thin voice. I swallowed hard. Caleb put his hand on my shoulder before he hurried out the door. I turned around and found the waiting area. Couches were arranged in a half circle, a magazine stand offered reading material and I sat down, ready to waste the next hour.
When Caleb finally returned, I got up. He smiled at me.
“Sorry about that,” he said. “Let’s go have lunch somewhere.”
I nodded. He led me to a café called First Watch. James had mentioned it before. It wasn’t the kind of place I imagined either of them visiting – far too touristy and not nearly luxurious enough – but it made me feel at home. These were my kind of people.
“Tell me what’s wrong,” Caleb said after we ordered coffee.
“I don’t know if I can do this anymore,” I said. “I thought I would be able to work with James despite our past but it’s not working. It hurts too much.”
I didn’t tell him that we’d slept together. Caleb didn’t need to know that. It was too hard for me to work with James and that was all Caleb needed to know.
“I know it sounds really selfish to ask, but would you hold on just a little longer? We can arrange for you to work somewhere else so you don’t have to see him. I don’t mind, I understand he’s difficult at best. I think it’s a bad time to leave, though.”
“Why?” I asked. The waiter brought our coffees and Caleb waited until he disappeared again before carrying on. I tore the tops off two sugar sachets and emptied the contents into my coffee. Caleb watched me do it.
“I can’t start from scratch with a new accountant now,” Caleb said, “and Amanda is really pestering me. She’s very defensive and hostile. I think she has something to hide, which is exactly what we’re looking for. If we keep pushing we might find something sooner than we think.”
I took a deep breath.
“I don’t know,” I said. I felt like crying again. James had been such an ass to me. Every time I thought everything would be okay between us, that this was finally my happy ending, something went wrong again and I was disappointed. If he was in my life I was doomed to lose him again and again.
Tears ran over my cheeks and I wiped them away with the back of my hand.
“God, this is so embarrassing,” I said. Caleb shook his head, his eyes sympathetic. “Don’t look at me like that,” I said.
I didn’t know what was worse – me crying I public or Caleb’s pity.
“I don’t know how to make this better,” Caleb said. “I know that it’s my fault.”
I shook my head. “Don’t be sorry. You didn’t know, couldn’t have if neither of us told you.”
He picked up his cup and blew on his coffee before sipping it. I did the same, hoping to swallow the tears along with it. It only worked a little bit.
“I think you just need a break from all of this,” Caleb said after a while. “After we eat I’ll take you to the Curtis Hixon park. The park is a nice change of scenery and I know what it feels like to just need to get away. Especially from the rich crowd.”
I smiled. “You’re part of that crowd”
Caleb shrugged. “Exactly. I know what I’m talking about, trust me.”
I chuckled.
We ordered club sandwiches and talked about things that had nothing to do with work. I didn’t want to talk about ledgers and money and the rich and famous of Tampa and Caleb understood it.
When we were done he got the bill and we walked out of the café and toward the waterfront where I had been the first morning after I’d checked in. The air was humid and sunny, the smell of water drifted to me on the breeze and for the first time in a while, I felt myself relax. Caleb pulled out a pack of cigarettes and lit one up. He blew a cloud of smoke out of his mouth and nostrils.
“I envy you sometimes,” I said to Caleb while we walked.
“Why?”
I shrugged. “You have enough money to do whatever you want to, to be whoever you want to. You can take the day off or take a break or a holiday. You could probably even retire if you wanted to. I feel like I’m caught in the day-to-day crawl.”
Caleb chuckled. “Everyone on the outside feels that way. It’s not all fun and games, trust me. Yes, we have a lot of cash and I can do whatever I want with it. But I can’t retire because my expenses are a lot more than yours will ever be so I need to keep earning a lot more than you can imagine. And the pressure in society is a lot more intense than what you have.”
“Like your reputation?”
Caleb. “We’ve always got eyes on us, no matter where we go. I’m not famous and I feel like my life is on display. I can’t even begin to think what it must be like for celebrities.”
I nodded and walked in silence for a short while. He smoked next to me, the cigarette shrinking gradually.
“I don’t know… I guess everyone else’s situation looks better than our own. The grass is always greener, right?” I looked at Caleb and he smiled at me.
We reached the park. A flat span of grass stretched to the waterside, bordered by paths that created steps up a small slope. It was very simple and elegant.
“This is nice,” I said. We sat down on the grass in the sun. Caleb didn’t seem to mind that he was in a suit. I wore dress pants and a blouse. I didn’t mind, either.
“You know, you’re going on about the rich and famous and how hard it is, but you’re different,” I said.
“How?”
I looked at him. His hair was dark and combed to the side, his eyes darker and pinned to mine. I shrugged.
“You’re not like James or Amanda,” I said. “You’re just… normal. I can get along with you and talk to you and never feel like I don’t belong.”
Caleb frowned. “Is that how you feel with James?” he asked. “Like you don’t belong?”
I shrugged. “It didn’t use to be like that. Once upon a time, I felt like I was on top of the world like no one could ever stop us from being who we wanted to be. I was a rebel, ready to show the world that we belonged together. He knocked me down to size and then I grew up.” I shrugged again. “I guess it was just a matter of seeing what was real.”
Caleb shook his head. I turned my gaze back to the water. I felt his eyes on my face still, but I looked down instead of back at him.
“For what it’s worth,” Caleb said. “You’re different, too.”
I chuckled. “There’s not a lot to compare me to.”
He shrugged.
We sat side by side, staring at the water and the park visitors. It was comfortable with Caleb. It felt like it used to when we were kids, spending time together with no preconceptions of what should and shouldn’t happen.
In a parallel universe, perhaps one where I hadn’t met James, I would have fallen for Caleb. He was the kind of guy any woman would want to be with. He was attentive and caring and he listened when I spoke. I imagined that the woman that ended up with him would be great.
“I’m not a god, you know,” Caleb said after a while.
“What?” I looked at him.
“You’re making it sound like compared to James, I’m great. But he’s not that bad and I’m not that good. I think you’re a little influenced by what he’s done, and I understand that. Just put him into perspective before you judge him too harshly.”
I looked at him, incredulous.
“Why are you always sticking up for him?” I asked.
He shrugged. “He’s my best friend. Isn’t that what friends do?”
I nodded. “I guess so…”
Caleb looked at me. His eyes were drowning deep. Something passed between us, something that hadn’t been there before. I swallowed. Caleb’s eyes slid to my lips. What would it be like to kiss him? I hadn’t thought about anything like this until I’d seen him again almost two weeks ago, and not since the limousine that had taken us to the party.
Caleb inched slowly closer. This was a bad idea, a voice screamed at the back of mind. Caleb had really nice lips, I noticed. And he was a nice guy, and he knew who I was. Caleb wouldn’t mess around, would he? He wouldn’t just tell me off as if nothing had happened. Caleb was the kind of guy I deserved to be with.
When his lips touched mine, it was surreal. His lips were soft when they brushed against mine. He placed his hand at the back of my neck and I leaned into him. His tongue pushed into my mouth and I let him taste me, explore my mouth. He tasted like cigarette smoke and the smell of his cologne was in my nostrils.
Caleb broke the kiss, suddenly.
“I’m sorry,” he said. He shifted away a little. I touched my lips with my fingertips and shook my head.
“Don’t be,” I said so soft it was almost a whisper.
“God, I’m a dick,” Caleb said. “Here I am, sticking up for James, saying he’s not so bad, and then I go ahead and do the one thing a good friend shouldn’t do.”
He shook his head. I shook mine, too.
“Don’t be sorry,” I said again. I wasn’t sorry. I should probably have been, but I wasn’t.
We sat together in silence that stretched around us. I could still taste him on my lips, feel his hand on my neck. I had been with many men, kissed them, felt their hands on my body. None had ever been as distinct as James’s touch, his kiss. And now, none as distinct as Caleb’s either.
I didn’t understand it. I was done fighting everything, questioning it. I was tired. I let it go because it was easier than to keep wondering. And it was peaceful to do so.
When we finally got up and walked back to the hotel, we spoke as if nothing had happened – conversation was easy and smooth as it had always been. Caleb dropped me off at the hotel and hugged me. It was friendly, uncomplicated.
If only everything else in my life could be that way.