Ava
Getting back to life, as usual, was harder than it should have been. I’d hoped to be able to throw myself into work, to drown out the noise in my head with numbers and ledgers and difficult clients the way I had for fifteen years.
Instead, the contrast between reality and the fantasy life I lived for the past three weeks was just that much bigger. I was acutely aware of what I’d lost. Or rather, of what I’d never had.
I couldn’t concentrate on my work. My office seemed stifling, small and drab after what I’d worked in when I’d been in Tampa. My work was awfully repetitive, something I had taken pride in before. Was I still in the right line of work? Was I still doing the things that made me happy? I suddenly didn’t know what made me happy anymore.
Hannah popped her head into my office and frowned.
“Are you still here?” she asked.
I nodded and glanced at my phone. Ten. I looked up at her.
“I didn’t realize the time,” I said. I’d been working straight through without resting.
“Have you eaten, at least?” she asked.
I shook my head. I would just be fooling myself by lying to her.
“You’re still here, too,” I pointed out.
“I came back to the office to fetch something I’d forgotten. I’d left at six.”
Oh. I didn’t know what to say to that. Hannah sighed and pushed my door open further.
“Come on,” she said. “Let’s get out of here. You need to eat something.”
I wanted to protest but she pinned me with an oh-rally stare and I couldn’t fight that.
“Next thing you know you’ll be sleeping in your office.”
The idea had occurred to me. I got up, found my bag and followed Hannah out of the building. She hailed a cab and we traveled the short distance to the Purple Pig. When we were inside and seated, Hannah opened a menu and handed it to me so I was forced to look at the food.
“What is this self-destructive spiral you’re in?” she asked. “You can’t tell me any man is worth all this.”
I shook my hand. “That’s not what it’s about. It’s about me. What I’m worth.”
Hannah raised her eyebrows at me. She folded her arms over her chest and settled into her chair.
“Now you listen to me,” she said. “You’re worth just as much time and effort as the next person, and not just from a man but from yourself. You can’t go on and starve yourself, work yourself to death because you didn’t get something. Not back then and not now. You’re an idiot for thinking this is the way out.”
“Sugar coat it, why don’t you?” I asked.
Hannah shrugged. “If you’re so serious about this guy – who seems like an asshole to me – then do something about it.”
“Like what?”
“Like go back there and get him.”
I shook my head. “I tried that already. Twice.”
“If what you’re telling me is the truth you didn’t try at all. And it seems like he’s not the kind to ride in on a white horse and save you. You don’t really look like the type that wants saving, anyway. But independent women like you have to save themselves, then. If he’s what you want…”
I sighed. “It’s not that simple. I want him but I shouldn’t. He is an asshole, you’re right. Caleb is so much better. And so is Graham, for that matter. I just can’t help wanting him.”
Hannah shook her head slowly back and forth. “I don’t understand it but we’re wired differently. If you don’t like Caleb don’t have him. You can’t settle, you’ll never be happy. But you can’t do this, either.”
“You don’t have to do this,” I said. “You’re not my mom.”
Hannah narrowed her eyes at me. “Well, someone should talk sense into you. You stay away from your family like you’re allergic but you obviously need someone to intervene. I’m not sure who else will worry about you because you push everyone who cares away.”
I frowned at Hannah. “Since when are you so hard?” I asked. “Where did the nice person go that I’ve been friends with for so long?”
Hannah shrugged. “Out the door along with the common sense you obviously lost.”
I groaned. I didn’t like her when she was like this but she was right. I was being pathetic.
I couldn’t go back there and get him, though. I had no illusions about a happily ever after, not since that night at Caleb’s place when James had been more upset that his friend had been the one to kiss me, than me being the one that was kissed. Besides, James wasn’t good for me. Being with him made me question everything I had created for myself and I didn’t like that. I was independent. I wanted to stay that way.
“Eat something,” Hannah said in a gentler voice. “At least, take care of yourself.”
That, I could do. I ordered food when she did – even if it was just a salad – and finished it for good measure. I didn’t drown myself in alcohol, even though I wanted to, and by the time I finally made it home I showered, dressed in pajamas and got into bed. I would sleep until tomorrow arrived and I would go through the motions again, telling myself to do basic things until I didn’t have to think about them anymore.
“Daniel wants to see you in his office,” his secretary told me when I walked into the office the next morning.
I nodded and walked through to Daniel’s office before going to my own.
“You wanted to see me?” I asked.
Daniel nodded and beckoned me in. He folded his hands on his desk and looked at me for a while without saying anything as if he was trying to choose his words.
“Is everything alright?” he asked.
I nodded. “Why are you asking?”
“Because you’re overworking yourself and your work isn’t as consistent as it should be.”
I swallowed. “Did I make a mistake?”
Daniel shook his head. “Nothing that couldn’t be ironed out immediately. But this isn’t about your work, it’s about you.”
I sat down on one of the chairs and sighed.
“It’s just a dip,” I said. “I’ll pick myself up again.”
“I would tell you to take some time to yourself, but you just had that. Usually, when people go on holiday, they come back better than when they left. Not worse.”
I nodded. “I know that. I’m sorry. I’ll fix it.”
Daniel looked at me for long enough again that I wanted to squirm. “Don’t let this – whatever it is – get in the way of your career. You know how I value you as an employee. Keep up your work. I don’t want to have to take action.”
I knew what he was saying. If I didn’t pick myself up and get back to what I used to be, my work life was going to suffer from it.
“I’ll take care,” I said and got up, leaving Daniel’s office. When I passed Hannah’s office I glanced in at her. She watched me walk by. I didn’t have to say anything to her, I was sure she understood. She would know.
When I sat down behind my desk I looked at the work I had to do for the day and dropped my head into my hands. There was a time – before it all – where I would have jumped into it straight away. I used to love what I did and I was so eager to make it happen. Now, it felt like a mountain before me. I had been making mistakes, apparently. My head just wasn’t where it was supposed to be.
How could one trip, one man, do this to me? It had been three weeks. I was acting like it had been three years.
I truth, of course, it had been fifteen. Fifteen years of questions that had been answered and I didn’t know if I liked the outcome of it. Fifteen years of resentment driving me and all of that had just become pain and depression.
I was pathetic.
But… this was my life now. As different as it felt, it was still the same life as before. I had been happy here, once, pleased with what I had created for myself. I would just have to find that spot again. It couldn’t be that hard. I had recovered from James before.
I would just have to do it again.
During my lunch break, I left the office. I was aware that I was becoming a workaholic and leaving the office was my first step to rehabilitation. Fresh air, a change of scenery… who said I couldn’t take care of myself when I really put my mind to it?
I made my way down South Lake Shore Drive where all the parks were situated and got out at Maggie Daley Park where parents came to keep their kids busy. I walked to a bench and sat down. The sun was gentle and the breeze smelled like Fall.
“Ava?” someone asked and I looked up. Graham walked toward me. He wore suit pants and a collared shirt with no tie and the top button undone.
“How did you know I was here?” I asked.
Graham smiled and shook his head. “It’s a coincidence. I wasn’t looking for you. I’m on my lunch break.” His brown hair was longer than it had been when I’d last seen him. He was growing a beard. It hid his strong jawline a little.
I nodded and turned my face back to the kids playing.
“Do you mind if I sit down?” he asked.
I glanced at him before shaking my head. If the roles were reversed, if was the one that had been dumped, I wasn’t sure if I would have been as nice as he was now. Still, he’d always been someone that struck me as ‘the bigger man’.
“How are you doing?” Graham asked. “We haven’t spoken in a while.”
It had been just a little more than a month.
“I’m well, thank you. I’ve just been working. You know how it goes.”
Graham nodded. “I know. How was your trip?”
I shrugged. Sitting next to Graham, talking like nothing had happened, felt surreal.
“How about you?” I asked.
Graham shrugged. “Nothing new to report.”
We sat in silence for a while before Graham cleared his throat.
“I didn’t plan on seeing you today. I respect your views about relationships and I understand what you were trying to tell me that night.”
I looked at Graham. He was leaning forward, his elbows on his knees, fingers interlinked.
“I do like you though, Ava. A lot. Would you consider trying again if I promise to keep it casual?”
I blinked at him. “What?”
“I know I pushed things too far when you told me straight up from the start where we stood. I lost you because I was selfish and I won’t do that again. I just want to spend time with you. It’s a privilege being able to have insights into your life. I want that again.”
I swallowed. “You want to do the casual sex thing again?” I asked.
“I want to hang out with you again,” Graham said. “And if casual sex is the way you want it, then yes.”
I took a deep breath and let out a shuddering breath. Did he want me back? Was he willing to play by my rules?
I shook my head. “I can’t do this, Graham.”
I nodded, leaning on his need to push himself up.
“It was worth a try,” he said. He walked away from me and I watched him go. Something inside me cracked a little.
“Graham,” I called after him. He stopped and turned.
“Do you want to come over, tonight?”