Ava
Graham was at my door when I opened it and I stepped back, letting him inside.
“Thanks for coming,” I said. We stood in my living room and I rocked back and forth on the balls of my feet, feeling awkward and out of place. Where had the confident Ava gone, the woman who knew exactly who and what she wanted?
“Thank you for inviting me,” he said. “I didn’t think you’d change your mind.”
Graham’s dark brown hung into his eyes, now, after he’d showered out the product he used to comb it back during the day. His chin had day-old stubble on it and his eyes searched my face as if he was trying to find something he could anchor his hopes and dreams onto. He wore a t-shirt and jeans and everything about him was relaxed and at ease – the opposite of everything I felt.
“Do you want something to drink?” I asked. “We can order Chinese if you like.”
Graham nodded. “That sounds nice. And soda, if you have any, would be great.”
I nodded and walked to the kitchen. Having something to do with my hands would help me. I opened the fridge and took out a soda for Graham. I took out a wine glass and poured myself red wine from the bottle I’d opened two nights ago.
“I’m going to drink, if you don’t mind,” I said when Graham walked into the kitchen and leaned against the door post. His arms were folded over his chest and his arms looked bigger than I remembered them, straining against the t-shirt material.
“Rough week, huh?” Graham asked.
“God,” I said. “Rough month.”
He raised his eyebrows. “I thought you went to see your parents.”
Well, he wasn’t wrong. He didn’t need to know the rest of it.
“If you knew what life was like for me, growing up, you would understand.”
Of course, it wasn’t my parents that drove me to drink. It was James. I wouldn’t say that, though. I was going to pretend that none of that happened. That drinking wine most week nights was normal. Graham walked toward me and took the soda from the counter where I’d put it. He stood close to me and I breathed in, smelling his cologne. He smelled clean, like soap and good intentions.
“Ava,” he started. “What am I doing here?”
I took a deep breath.
“I don’t really have a plan for where we’re headed,” I said. I couldn’t look him in the eye. “I mean, I don’t know how you feel about me now. I’m not expecting you to just forgive me and pretend nothing happened after I walked away from you like that. I just…”
He didn’t let me finish. He tipped up my head with both hands on my cheeks and kissed me.
The following Friday, I stood in front of my mirror and looked at myself. I turned from side to side, looking for loose threads. I wore a green dress that flared from my hips and reached to just above my knees. It cinched at the waist with silver beads and I wore silver shoes with it. My back was open, my hair up so that it didn’t take away from the full image and I put on silver jewelry.
My phone rang.
“Is it okay if I come pick up that file tonight?” Hannah asked.
“I’m headed out soon. Can you come by in the next half hour?”
“I’ll leave now,” Hannah said and hung up. I didn’t often go out on a Thursday but Graham was trying and he deserved a chance. Besides, since James and Caleb and their elaborate parties, a show didn’t seem like too much to ask. I wasn’t dressed nearly as extravagantly and the show wouldn’t be nearly as fancy, but it was something different.
I was learning to embrace different.
I had just finished my makeup when the doorbell rang and I walked to open for Hannah. She looked me up and down when I opened the door.
“Where are you going?” she asked, following me into the house.
“To a show,” I said. I hesitated before I added, “with Graham.”
I found the file and gave it to Hannah who looked at me with a stunned expression.
“What?” I asked.
“When did this happen?”
I shrugged. “A week ago.”
Hannah shook her head. “I can’t believe you. You’re settling. And I’m only hearing about it now.”
I rolled my eyes. “There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be happy,” I said. “Graham is a good guy. You were worried about me moping around. Now I’m getting out there again and you’re unhappy about it?”
“I’m unhappy because you don’t want to be with him.”
I shook my head and walked to the door to see her out.
“Graham is not a bad guy,” I said.
“I get that,” Hannah said just before she left. “But what if he’s the wrong guy?”
I closed the door behind her and took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. Who was she to tell me what would make me happy? She didn’t know who I was and what I needed. I wasn’t settling I was being realistic about my options. I couldn’t keep dreaming about a man I would never have and I couldn’t push everyone away because I was still running from the past that wasn’t chasing me.
This was my life and it was high time I started living it.
When the doorbell went off again I smiled and opened the door for Graham.
“You look amazing,” he said, looking at my dress. He looked pretty good, too. He wore a suit with a broad tie with thin lines that matched the color of my dress and a crisp white shirt. We were quite a pair, dressing up to go out.
Graham walked with me to his car and held open the door for me while I got in. It wasn’t a limousine but he was gallant about it.
The show was good. Not great, but Graham enjoyed it and I felt like it was good that I gave him what he needed. It wouldn’t do for me to be selfish in my relationships anymore. It was about give and take.
In the car on the way back, Graham reached for my hand and kissed my knuckles. His eyes were on me for a moment before he slid them back to the road.
“What made you change your mind?” he asked.
I glanced at him in the darkness of the car, his profile illuminated now and then by the passing street lights.
“What do you mean?”
“About us. About doing things that are like a real relationship.”
I shook my head. “I don’t know. I realize that I’ve been a little unrealistic, I guess.”
That, and that I would be alone for the rest of my life if I waited for James. It was better to move one.
“Well, I like it. You didn’t have to do this, but I really like it.”
I smiled at Graham and turned my head to look out the window again. We drove through the streets of Chicago. It wasn’t like Tampa. Tampa had felt like a holiday destination. Chicago felt like… work. It never felt like home. I didn’t know if I’d ever been somewhere that had felt like home.
“I’ll understand if we don’t do this often,” Graham said.
“We’ll see how it goes. I just don’t think we should hover around anymore.”
He glanced at me, frowning. “What do you mean?”
I shrugged. “I just don’t want to feel like I’m lost at sea anymore, without an anchor.”
Graham shook his head. “Are you saying you want to be exclusive? Like a real relationship?”
“I guess so,” I said.
Graham smiled at me. He looked ecstatic. I had just agreed to be his girlfriend. I smiled at him, trying to be as excited as he looked.
I couldn’t find it in me. In fact, a feeling of dread filled me and I felt like I had made a mistake. It was too late to turn back, now.