James
She was gone. I realized I’d never had her. Having her back had given me the illusion that I could try again, but all it did was make it so much worse when she left. It was a reminder that this was how it would be.
My life was the same as it had always been, but this time it felt emptier.
I was at Hush again. I sat in my usual booth, staring at the woman on stage. She was down to only her panties, her breasts barely moving as she danced. They had to be fake. I didn’t care, though. My body ached all over for sex, my arousal strained against my pants. I wanted someone – anyone – to help me forget. I needed to get Ava out of my system.
A waitress brought me a glass and the bottle of Herradura I’d asked for. Whiskey wasn’t going to cut it tonight. I needed tequila on ice and lots of it.
I poured myself a couple fingers and sipped the liquid slowly. It set my veins on fire and this was a feeling I knew, a feeling I relished. My chest burned when I breathed in. I tasted the bitter alcohol at the back of my tongue. It was exactly what the doctor ordered.
I watched the woman on stage. She was slowly getting rid of her panties, baring it all to the men watching. I sipped more alcohol and watched her move her body like a pendulum, hypnotizing me.
My sex throbbed when I watched her. The alcohol numbed everything I wanted to forget and awoke everything I needed to be satisfied for the night. Why did I ever consider being with someone long term? Being here, at Hush, was what worked for me. No strings attached, women that didn’t care at all if I objectified them. And then an escort afterward to give me what the dancers weren’t allowed to.
Who needed love? It just came with a hell of a lot of heartache.
“Hey, big boy,” a woman said, shimmying up to me.
I glanced at her. Brunette hair.
“How about the two of us make this a night to remember?” she asked.
I shook my head. I didn’t want her. No reminders. They had to be blonde, redhead or raven to consider them.
“I’m sorry sweetheart. Not interested. “I didn’t add ‘in you’ to that sentence. She shrugged like it didn’t matter whether I said yes or no and sashayed up to the next man with the same empty smile and promise of expensive but meaningless sex.
I turned my eyes back to the woman on stage. She bent her body in ways that put her assets on display and I wanted her. I envisioned getting up on the stage and doing filthy things to her.
I could walk away afterward and it would hurt so much less than it did when Ava had walked away from me. Even though I’d been drunk and angry and she’d betrayed me. Even when I wasn’t sure that she was the kind of person that would accept me, after all. She haunted me and this was why I was here.
“What are you doing here?” Caleb asked next to me.
“When did you get here?” I asked. It was almost a week since everything had happened and Caleb and I hadn’t talked since.
“Looking for you,” Caleb said. “I thought you would be here, and I’m disappointed to know I’m right.”
I frowned at him. “What are you talking about?”
Caleb shook his head and sat down next to me, his eyes automatically sliding to the woman on stage.
“You’re a fool, you know that?”
I shook my head. I’d been called a lot of things. A fool had been on the list before.
“Spare me the lecture, Caleb. I know what Amanda said but I’m not going to stop doing this. You, of all people, should understand.”
“I’m not talking about Amanda,” Caleb said, dismissing the waitress that approached him with a wave of his hand. “I’m talking about Ava.”
I frowned. “What?”
“You know what I’m talking about. God, if I had a woman like that I would never set foot in this place again.”
I didn’t know what he was going on about.
“I don’t know if you remember how much Ava wasn’t interested in me,” I said. I was starting to get drunk. My tongue didn’t want to cooperate to form the words right.
Caleb shook his head. “If I even had so much as a chance with her, I would be running after her getting her back. But she only has eyes for you. Surely, you can see that? She never slept with me and it’s not because she didn’t have a chance. She didn’t want me the way she wanted you.”
I shook my head, trying to see straight. “What the fuck are you talking about?”
Was I hallucinating? I looked at my glass. I’d finished the first round of tequila. Maybe it wasn’t working for me. I poured another glass.
“You’re an asshole,” Caleb said. “Maybe you keep losing her because you’re just too scared to hold onto her.” He waited. When I didn’t respond, he shook his head and got back up again. “I’m here as your friend. You’re making a mistake. A big one. You’ve been making that mistake for a long time but this time you’re really fucking up.”
He walked away. My head spun. I wasn’t sure if I’d heard him right if I’d heard him at all. I turned my eyes back to the naked woman on stage. She was blond with pink stripes in her hair and body glitter so her skin shimmered when she moved. That was what I needed. Instant gratification. No strings attached. No aftermath. Perfect.
“You look lonely,” a woman said next to me. I looked her up and down. She was slender and curvy with big breasts and a tight ass. She wore so little it wasn’t hard knowing what she was doing here. Blonde. Puffy lips. Everything Ava wasn’t. This was exactly what I’d been looking for.
“You’re just in time,” I said.
She smiled and slid into the booth, pressing herself against me. “For what?”
“To make my night.”
I smiled at her. She took my hand and led me to a private room. She closed the curtains and turned around to me. Her hair was long – all the way to her hips. She moved to the beat of the music we could hear through the curtains, undressing, slowly. Her skin was tan like she’d been dipped in caramel. She wore makeup that made her eyes look impossibly big. They were locked on mine.
I ached with desire. I wanted sex and I wanted it now. I sipped the alcohol I had brought with me and watched her move to the music, getting rid of the little bit of clothing she was wearing, piece by piece.
This wasn’t the way it usually was, though. Her body – waxed from her toes to her eyebrows – was smooth and enticing. Her breasts were large and smooth with dark nipples and her hips were round. The V that led to the apex of her thighs was mesmerizing. But I didn’t feel the same as I had before.
Something was still missing. A part of me wasn’t satisfied. I ached in places I didn’t know how to please, not without Ava.
God. I put down my drink. My sex strained against my pants, my body still responding to the visual stimulus, but my mind wasn’t in it, anymore. She was hot as hell but I didn’t want spray tan and fake breasts and hair extensions. I wanted natural brown hair and freckles and hands that knew my body because they’d been there before.
I took out my wallet and handed the woman a wad of bills.
“Leaving so soon?” she asked with a pout.
“It’s not you, sweetheart,” I said. “You’re beautiful. It’s me.”
I stepped out of the curtain, not drawing it open like the woman cared about privacy, and walked toward the door. I nodded at the bouncer who nodded back at me. Outside, the air rushed into my lungs as I breathed in deeply. I looked up and down the road and finally chose a direction. The alcohol burned in my veins and made me see double. I walked carefully not tripping over anything or making a fool of myself.
Who was I kidding? I maybe not have looked like a fool, but I was one.
I couldn’t get her out of my mind. No matter how much I drank or how many other women I tried to distract myself with. No matter how much I forced myself to think about the way she had been writhing beneath Caleb’s body on the patio. Ava Fischer was still the one girl that was on my mind all the time.
I felt like I was going crazy.
I pulled out my phone and stared at the screen. Caleb wouldn’t answer his phone – he’d already talked to me. And Ava wouldn’t speak to me. I didn’t even know what I would say to her without sounding pathetic.
Who else did I have?
I scrolled down to Charlie’s number and hit send. I held the phone to my ear and waited for the calling tone to kick in.
After four rings, I wanted to hang up. I wasn’t in the mood for his voicemail. Charlie and I weren’t on good terms but I had no one else left and he was still my brother.
“Bit late for you to call me, isn’t it?” Charlie asked when he answered.
“Sorry. Did I interrupt something?” He didn’t sound like he’d been sleeping. What was the time? I hadn’t checked.
“I have a life.”
I shrugged. “I guess,” I said. “Can you talk?”
I was being an idiot phoning him. I knew it somewhere in the back of my mind. But the little voice that was supposed to talk some sense into me was drowning in tequila.
Charlie sighed. “Yeah, what?”
“I fucked up, man. Really, this time.”
“As opposed to…”
“Before. The last time it made sense. Now? I don’t know what I’m doing.”
“What are you talking about?”
I swallowed. “Ava.”
Charlie was quiet for a beat. “You’re on about a woman? God, James. Are you drunk again?”
I swallowed again. My throat felt like sandpaper. My mouth was dry. This was classic Charlie. It was never different with him. I didn’t know why I still tried. Somewhere deep inside I still wanted him to care about me.
That wasn’t going to happen.
“I’m sorry about the late call,” I said. “You enjoy your night.”
“You too. And James?”
“Yeah?”
“Drink water and go to bed.”
Right. I hung up.
I wasn’t going to go to bed. I didn’t feel like being alone in a space that was big enough for ten people. I wasn’t sure how safe it was – my suit alone cost more than some people made. The watch on my wrist cost a small fortune as well. But what did material things matter? They could have it all. They could strip me completely and still wouldn’t have lost anything I hadn’t lost already.
It didn’t matter how hard I worked, how much money I had, how high up on the food chain. There were some things money just couldn’t buy.