Ava
After James told me he didn’t want to keep in contact with me, I’d thought I would be consumed by sorrow. I mourned the death of what our future could have been. I went through school on autopilot, doing only what I needed to do and nothing more.
At first, I thought I wouldn’t be able to move on. I thought that my life had ended. I knew, deep down inside, that I was being dramatic. I had only known James for a total of two months. But I felt like I had been rejected, abandoned, thrown away. And I wanted it to be different.
When I finally finished school, it was almost a year and a half later. I wasn’t mourning anymore. I wasn’t crippled by a broken heart, either. I had picked myself up and moved forward, putting on a smile for everyone else and carrying on like nothing ever mattered. I didn’t speak about the relationship that could have been to anyone.
I had decided I would take my life into my own hands and create myself as I went along.
“You be sure to call as soon as you arrive on campus,” mom told me when I stood at the bus terminal. I had booked a ticket that would take me to Tallahassee where I would get on a plane to Chicago. Why there? I had closed my eyes and put my finger on a map to find my escape.
“I will,” I promised.
I got on the bus and waved my parents and my past goodbye.
When I arrived in Tallahassee I didn’t take a flight to Chicago. Not right away. I had saved up and organized an extra ticket that my parents didn’t know about. I was going to Tampa.
I knew that he wouldn’t want me. I wasn’t going for him. I was going for me, to see what I wasn’t missing out on.
When I arrived in Tampa I was blown away by the city. It was the kind of place I’d always dreamed of going. It was the kind of place I’d imagined I would end up in, one day.
I got into a cab from the airport and it took me to a hotel that was part of the string of hotels Mr. Weber owned. The chances I would see James were slim. I just had to see something.
I’d gotten out of the cab once we the man stopped at the hotel and I paid him. When he took off, I stood on the opposite side of the road, staring up at the hotel. It was big and luxurious and part of a world I didn’t belong in.
A black car pulled up in front of the hotel and two men got out. Young men.
“Stop it, Charlie,” I heard a voice that was so familiar it made me cringe.
“Don’t be a baby, James.”
It was them. James and his older brother. I hadn’t thought I would see him. My stomach clenched. I tasted my heart in my throat. He was close enough that I could make out his green eyes and his square jaw, his honey colored hair.
“So, are you going to ask her?” Charlie asked.
“It’s none of your business was Sadie and I do.”
Sadie.
“You’re a coward, James. You like the girl you must do something about it. If I were you I would have taken her to bed ages ago.”
“Not everyone’s an ass like you,” James said. Well, that was up for debate in my opinion.
“Don’t tell me you love her,” Charlie said.
I turned around and walked away. I didn’t want to hear James’s answer to that quip. I hadn’t thought that seeing him again would hurt so much. I hadn’t thought I would care if he found someone else.
I realized that I wasn’t over him at all.
I made my way back to the airport in time to take my flight to Chicago. I had come to Tampa to know that the life I had missed wasn’t one that would matter to me. Instead, I had found more heartache and pain. James had been someone I barely recognized. And Tampa? It was a forgotten dream.
When I boarded the plane, I could barely read my seat number through my tears.
“I don’t understand why you’ve never told me about this,” Hannah said after I told her about James. I had skimmed over our childhood romance and gone into more depth when I’d relayed what had happened in Tampa when Caleb had flown me there.
I shrugged. “There wasn’t anything to tell.”
Hannah raised her eyebrows. “It doesn’t sound like nothing to me.”
What could I say to that? I had pushed it away for a reason. It hurt too damn much.
“What are you going to do, now?” Hannah asked after we were silent for a while. I was sorting through boxes in my office, getting rid of papers I hadn’t used in years. She sat on the chair, her legs pulled up, watching me.
“I don’t know. There’s nothing for me to do. It’s over. It was over then, already. It shouldn’t have happened, now.”
Hannah shook her head. “If you love the guy…”
“Love isn’t enough, Han,” I said. “It’s never been enough. Not with any of the guys that told me they loved me. And not with James.”
“I don’t get it,” Hannah said. “Isn’t love the point?”
I sighed. “Morals and values are important. Trust and respect are important. Equality is important. I’m not willing to overlook those for the sake of love.”
“I get that,” Hannah said.
My phone rang on the table. Hannah reached for it and glanced at the screen.
“Oh, my God,” she said, her eyes wide. She held up the phone so I could see the screen myself. “It’s him.”
James’s name flashed on the screen. I shook my head.
“I can’t answer that,” I said.
“Why not? He’s phoning. You don’t want to talk to him?”
I shook my head again.
“Come on, Ava. Everyone makes mistakes.”
She held the phone out to me. I wasn’t going to take it from her. This wasn’t about his mistakes, even though they were big. I had made mistakes that I couldn’t over. Why would James want me now if he hadn’t even wanted me before? And I didn’t want to know what else he had to say.
I shook my head again. Hannah sighed and watched the phone ringing until it stopped. A moment later, I got a text saying I got a new voice message.
“I’m guessing you’re not going to listen to it, either.”
I shrugged. She shook her head and put the phone back.
“It looks to me like you’re always running away,” she said.
I looked up at her, frowning. “That’s not fair,” I said.
Hannah nodded.” I know. I’m just saying, though. Don’t you think you should face it, at some point?”
“Don’t you think that’s none of your business?” I snapped.
Hannah shrugged, her face closed.
“I was just saying,” she said, softly.
I nodded. I knew what she was saying. I just didn’t want to accept that she might be right. I wanted to do what I was good at, to keep doing it. The first time I had run because James had made the mistake. This time, it had been me. I couldn’t face it.
My phone rang again.
“You’re quite popular,” Hannah said, looking at the screen.
“Is it him again?” I asked.
She shook her head and held up the phone again for me to see. “Caleb.”
I blinked and stretched out my hand for the phone. Hannah passed it to me hesitantly.
“Him, rather than James?” she asked.
I didn’t answer her. It was easier to face Caleb than James. I didn’t ache for Caleb. I pressed talk and held the phone against my ear.
“I didn’t think I would hear from you again,” I said.
“I just wanted to check-up on you, see how you’re doing.”
I shrugged even though he couldn’t see me. “I’m fine,” I lied. “Back to business as usual, this side.”
Caleb sighed. “I know you think he was wrong,” he said. “With the business, I mean. But he wasn’t.”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“Amanda forged his signature. Or at least, she got Charlie to do it. James didn’t do anything wrong.”
I blinked, looking at Hannah.
“Why are you telling me this?” I asked.
“Because you ought to know that he’s not as bad as you think he is. In fact, he’s one of the best kinds of people. Don’t condemn him for something he didn’t do.”
I shook my head and closed my eyes. “Why are you being so nice to me after everything that I’ve done?” I asked.
“Because everyone deserves a second chance, including you. We’re just human, Ava. We love and we hurt and we try again. Don’t write James off because of a mistake. If you don’t love him, that’s fine, but if you do…”
He didn’t have to say the rest.
“Thanks for phoning, Caleb,” I said.
“You take care of yourself, Ava.”
The line when dead. I dropped the phone in my lap. I felt like I was falling apart. I didn’t know if I would ever be able to put myself back together again.
“What was that?” Hannah asked.
“He told me that James hadn’t been a part of it. Charlie and his partner forged his signature.”
Hannah pulled a face. “God, I don’t know these two but based on what you told me, I really don’t like them.”
I shrugged.
“You’re going to call James now, right?” Hannah asked.
I shook my head.
“What?” Why not?”
“Because it doesn’t change anything. I don’t belong there. I never have. My life is here and the sooner I get back to it, the better.”
Hannah shook her head and looked toward the window.
“I don’t understand you. You have everything you want. You can have it right now. But you’d rather push it away.”
I shrugged. I didn’t know how to explain it to her. I didn’t know how to let her feel what I felt. But it didn’t matter. It was my choice and chose to carry on with my life. I had done it before and I could do it again. It would just be a matter of time before I could forget about my past again and move forward. That was the only thing there was to do for me.
James was a part of my past. He always had been. Revisiting the past had been an accident at first, and then stupid when I’d carried on with it. And my friendship with Caleb… I had nearly ruined that completely, too. No, it was better if I stayed here and did what I was good at, live a life I understood and stayed away from matters of the heart. That was the one thing I couldn’t do. Love and accept love in return.
And that was okay. I liked myself and my life just the way it was.
I would just keep reminding myself of that.