Ava
I sat with Graham on the couch, watching series reruns. It was my night to choose what to do and I didn’t want to be extravagant and romantic. I wanted a night in pajamas where we didn’t have to worry about labels and what all this new boyfriend-girlfriend stuff meant. We weren’t in high school but Graham was set on calling it what it was instead of just letting it go and taking things as they came.
I wasn’t going to fight him on it, this time. At some point, I was going to have to give up the notion that I could be alone for the rest of my life. I didn’t like being alone and I had to compromise something if I wanted change at all.
I didn’t like admitting to it, but there it was.
Graham had pulled me against him and we sat side by side on the couch like we had no other space in the world. I tried not to get frustrated by it. I didn’t want to be in his personal space or have him in mine. I just wanted to spend the night relaxing and not worrying about everything.
It was ironic, really. The one person I wanted in my space didn’t want to go there with me. And everyone else wanted to be as close to me as they could get.
A knock on the door sounded and Graham looked at me, frowning.
“Are you expecting anyone?” he asked.
I shook my head.
“I’ll get it,” he said. He got up and walked to the door. I carried on watching the series. I heard Graham talking but I couldn’t hear the response of whoever was on the other side.
After a moment, Graham walked into the living room again.
“There’s a James Weber at the door for you.”
My stomach flipped and I blinked at Graham.
“What?”
“He says it’s about work.”
I was frozen on the couch, unable to move. Was James here? Why? How had he found me?
“Do you want me to tell him to go away?”
I shook my head and got up. “I’ll talk to him,” I said. “It’s uh… probably nothing.”
I walked to the door, aware of Graham watching me leave the room. When opened the front door, James stood there. I stepped outside and closed the door behind me so that Graham wouldn’t hear what I was saying at all.
“What are you doing here?” I asked.
James was dressed in a suit and a long coat over it. He looked dashing and classy and rich. I doubted Graham believed that he was from work, not when he stood in front of me looking so debonair.
“I needed to see you,” he said. “I want to make you a job offer. But I see that you’re busy… we can talk tomorrow.”
I shook my head, trying to straighten it all out in my mind. James had been a fantasy, a nightmare, that belonged to Tampa and a world that wasn’t real. He’d been there for the longest time. He was out of place here, outside my home, in a world that had never included him.
“I don’t understand,” I said.
James sighed. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow. I’ll come see you before work if you’ll be alone?”
He’d seen Graham. I suddenly wished Graham hadn’t been here at all. I nodded, slowly.
“Where are you staying?” I asked.
“At the Hilton,” he said.
I nodded. I watched him turn around and walk away from me. I wanted to call him back. With every fiber of my being. But I couldn’t call him back, not now. Graham was here and he would have questions. I would see James before he left.
“What was that all about?” Graham asked when I went back inside. I noticed he’d switched off the television.
“He was here about work,” I said. “He’s an old client – I did some business for him a while ago.”
Only, he wasn’t that old a client and the business I had done for him had been quite recent. Why was I lying about it all?
“Is that all?” Graham asked.
“Why wouldn’t it be?” I asked and sat down next to Graham, leaving enough space between us so I felt comfortable.
Graham shrugged. “I’m just asking. He doesn’t seem like your usual clients.”
“It was a personal favor I did for him. I was called in through a friend. He’s not my usual, you’re right.”
Graham looked at me without saying anything for long enough that I felt like squirming. I wasn’t doing anything wrong, goddammit. Why did I feel so guilty?
“Alright. Well,” Graham said, slapping his knees before getting up, “I think I should get going.”
“You’re leaving already?” I asked. I feigned being upset about it when I was glad he was going. I was reeling. I could barely think straight after I’d seen James and putting on this mask was killing me.
“I’ll call you tomorrow, sweetheart,” Graham said. He leaned down to kiss me and lingered a moment. When he broke the kiss, he looked worried.
“Don’t get up,” he said when I started getting up again. “I’ll see myself out.”
He smiled at me and turned toward the door. I watched him leave the room and heard the front door click shut behind him a moment later. I jumped up and grabbed my phone from the counter in the kitchen and dialed Hannah’s number.
She answered on the second ring.
“He’s here,” I said without saying hello.
“Who?”
“James. In Chicago.”
I realized how much I was freaking out. My heart hammered in my chest, my throat was dry. I clamped the phone to my cheek and bit my tongue, waiting for Hannah to respond.
“What is he doing here?” she asked. I heard her walking away from the noise in the background, probably moving away from Nate and his programs.
“He says he wants to offer me a job. Graham was here when he arrived and he saw the guy and I think he’s suspicious.”
“Of what?” Hannah asked. “Nothing’s going on between you and James.”
That was only partly true. I didn’t have anything going on with him but when it came down to it but when it was about my emotions… my heart was a lot more invested in James than it had ever been in Graham. Didn’t that mean something? Wasn’t that cheating?
“What should I do?” I asked Hannah.
“What do you mean what should you do? Are you going to see James again?”
“He wants to talk to me in the morning. About this work thing. I can’t even guess what it will be. I don’t think it will be about anything else…”
Hannah sighed. “Ava, you need to start thinking about yourself, about what you want to do. You can’t ask me that. Ask yourself. And whatever it is you want to do – do that.”
I took a deep breath and held it for three seconds. Why was this too hard?
“And Graham?”
“Honey, I don’t think you should have dated Graham in the first place,” Hannah said. “You never liked him that way. Just follow your heart, okay?”
“But following my heart just gets it broken,” I said in a small voice.
“Sometimes love hurts,” she said. “But rather the pain than being with someone that you just don’t want to be with. Because I know that’s where you are right now, no matter how much you argue with me. Throw caution to the wind and do what you want to do, okay?”
I nodded even though she couldn’t see me.
“And Ava,” Hannah said. “Call me afterward. I want to know everything.”
I grinned and we ended the call. I stared at my screen for a while, turning the conversation over in my head. What did I want? What did I really want?
I got up and put on jean, shoes and a coat. I called for a cab while I was busy throwing on clothes. I ran a brush through my hair and looked in the mirror. I still wore the bit of makeup I’d put on for work.
The cab honked its horn outside and I locked up and left. I asked for the Hilton. I didn’t want to wait until the morning. I didn’t want to wait to see James. I wanted to see him now.
The cab dropped me in front of the tall building and it towered above me, intimidating. My stomach was knotted in a fist of nerves. I swallowed hard and walked into the lobby. I asked for James Weber at the reception. When she called up, she told me he asked me to come to the room and gave me a number. I rode the elevator to the fourth floor and stepped out into the corridor. James was already waiting for me, the door to his room open.
His eyes swept greedily over my body when he saw me. He had lost his coat, blazer, shoes and tie and the top button of his shirt were undone. He stood with his hands in his pocket.
“I had some time to talk now,” I said. A ghost of a smile played around his lips and he gestured for me to walk into his room.
It was a classy room, as was everything in his life. A gray carpet covered the floor with a massive king size bed taking up the center of the room. A couch and arm chairs were in the corner and a desk stood to the side. I glimpsed a door that led to a large bathroom.
“What did you want to talk to me about?” I asked when James closed the door, shutting us in together. I was aware of how small space really was now that we were in the same room.
“A job,” James said. “It so happens that my partner is taking leave of the company and I need someone with business savvy and a mind for finances to take over her position.”
“As a partner?” I asked.
James shook his head even though it felt like his eyes told me yes.
“A manager, of sorts,” he said.
I shook my head and walked to the couch, sitting down. James sat down next to me. There was very little space between us. When it had been me and Graham I had wished for a room of space between us. With James, I wished he would move closer. But it was still awkward and I wasn’t sure exactly what he’d thought would happen when he came here.
“I don’t understand,” I said. “She’s leaving?”
James nodded. “And I don’t know how to do it without help.”
“Surely, there are far more qualified people than me?” I asked.
James looked down at his hands. “But I want you,” he said so softly I barely heard it. He looked up at me. His eyes were evergreen and they were deep and serious.
“You’re asking me to move to Tampa,” I said, understanding what he was saying. “Just leave everything I’d built here? All the people in my life?”
“I’ll pay you. More than enough.”
I shook my head. “That’s not what it’s about.”
James nodded, looking across the room, not making eye contact.
“He’s your boyfriend, isn’t he?” he asked.
I wanted to say no. I wanted to tell James that I had no one in my life. But that would be a lie. I had been unfair to Graham already. I nodded and swallowed.
“What did you think was going to happen? That I was going to wait around for you forever?”
I sounded more hostile than I’d meant.
James shook his head. “Realistically, no,” he said. “But a man can dream.”
I blinked at him. “What do you think this is? A game?” I asked and my voice was louder now. “I was right there, right under your nose, giving you everything – twice! – and you didn’t want it. And now that I’m finally moving on with my life, which is fifteen years overdue, by the way, now you want me?”
I laughed sarcastically. “You’ve got another thing coming if you think you’re just going to get what you want.”
James shook his head. “I didn’t expect anything…”
“But you did,” I said. “You came here hoping I would accept more than just a job. Well, I can’t play this game anymore. I’m taken now. And I can’t just leave everything I’ve built here to run after you. I’m sorry.”
James nodded. I couldn’t read what he was thinking. I couldn’t tell if he was upset or if he just didn’t care. I wasn’t sure what I thought he would feel.
“I have to go,” I said. “I have work in the morning.”
I got up. James got up, too, and walked to the door, opening it for me. He didn’t say anything when I walked out. He didn’t ask me to stay. I walked away from him toward the elevator. Call me back, I willed him. He didn’t. I pressed the button to call the elevator and stepped inside.