Ava
I couldn’t afford to fall for him again. It was still James, the guy that had dumped me over the phone because I wasn’t good enough. It was still the man that had broken my heart.
It was just impossible to forget about the feelings I’d had for him every time I was around him. The way he’d looked at me on the balcony, the way he’d wanted to kiss me…
I couldn’t do it again. I couldn’t fall for the same man. What did they say about insanity? Doing the same thing repeatedly, expecting different results. I couldn’t love James again. I knew what would happen to me. When I was seventeen I’d been young and stupid. It was his fault that I’d gotten hurt. He’d taken advantage of me and made promises he’d never intended to keep.
I had been young and drunk with love.
This time, if James hurt me again, it would be my fault. I would go into this with my eyes open and I would get hurt again because it was who James was and I would get hurt all over again.
The alcohol buzzed in my veins. I’d only had two glasses of champagne but I rarely drank and champagne was a weakness. Apparently, all it took was one glass to lower my inhibitions. And my common sense.
No. I couldn’t do this with James. Not again. The chemistry I had felt was his charm – the type he used on every woman, no doubt – and the sexual tension was the alcohol. I wouldn’t act on it. It had been nothing and I would only be setting myself up for heartache if I thought it was anything to take further.
There was no way I could do it again.
“There you are,” Caleb said when he found me in the living room, downing another glass of champagne. It was the third one I’d had since I’d arrived at the party. I was drinking in the hopes of numbing the feelings that had come alive inside me again the moment James had touched me.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
I nodded. “Perfectly fine.” See? I wasn’t even slurring.
Caleb frowned at me. “Are you having a good time?”
I nodded. “A great time. Free champagne, a great dress and you,” I pushed my finger against his chest, “all dressed up in a suit. You look great. Have I told you that?”
Caleb’s frown was still firmly in place. “Thank you,” he said, carefully. “I think you’ve had too much.”
I shook my head. “I’ve had just enough.” I was starting to feel sufficiently numb and I was relieved. Emotions were difficult things to deal with. I usually didn’t like them but tonight I felt like I was allergic to them.
“Come, let’s sit down,” Caleb said. He took me by the elbow and steered me toward a chaise lounge with what could only be a gold thread in the weave. I sat down and ran my fingers over it.
“This chair is so nice, you should rather hang it up as a painting.”
Caleb smiled at me. “Ava,” he said.
I looked into his eyes. Dark and deep and concerned. It was nice that someone cared.
“I think I need to take you back to the hotel,” he said.
I shook my head. “It would be rude.”
He shrugged. I looked around. The room turned slowly around me. Ladies in long dresses swept past me, comfortable in their clothes, comfortable with the makeup masks they wore. I didn’t belong in this world. You could dress me up with all the right things, and I would still never be one of them. I just didn’t come from a world where money was as readily available as water.
“What do you see when you look at me?” I asked Caleb.
“What do you mean? You’re my oldest friend,” he said.
I shook my head. “I know that. I mean, what do you see when you look at them, and then at me?”
Caleb glanced at a group of women I was pointing out. They were gossiping, no doubt, their noses up in the air, their eyes shooting daggers at each other when their mouths were smiling. Two-faced. Conceited. Vain. These were the first words that came to my mind when I looked at them. I could never fit in with them.
And that was what James wanted. Someone who could hold her own in a world of money and scandals.
Caleb looked back at me. “You’re not like them if that’s what you mean.”
I sighed and nodded. That was exactly what I’d meant.
“You look sad about it,” Caleb said. “You’re better than them.”
“That only depends on your perspective,” I said. Caleb wanted to ask more. He wanted to know where I was coming from. I could see it in his eyes. But I couldn’t tell him. I couldn’t tell him that once upon a time I’d wished I was like them, I’d wished I was anyone else but me. I couldn’t tell him that if I was like them, at least James would want me.
I was drunk. In the morning, I knew I wouldn’t feel the same.
“Maybe you should take me back to the hotel,” I said. “I think I might have had too much.”
Caleb nodded and took my hand. He led me away from the crowd toward the front door. Just before we slipped through the crowds that parted before us, I caught James’s eye. He was watching me. I was aware of Caleb’s hand, burning an imprint on my skin. I couldn’t tell what James was thinking. His face was an expressionless mask.
Almost as if he felt nothing at all.
We started on Monday. I had the morning to figure out some of the books. Caleb had booked the morning for Amanda and made a point of keeping her busy for long enough to get started. She was happy that I wasn’t involved. I was at the office while she was out being ‘private’ with Caleb.
James wasn’t in the office, either. I’d hoped he would be there.
The night before was a bit of a blur. The champagne had done a lot to make my memory fuzzy but I knew I wanted to see him again. I wanted to know if what I’d felt that night was real or if it was just me, wishing for something that would never be there.
After Caleb had taken me to the hotel he’d kissed me on my cheek, lingering. Caleb was a great guy. I should have taken the opportunity and kissed him, or something. Instead, I’d been so hung up on James and what might or might not have happened between us that I’d turned around and gone to bed.
I’d woken up with a headache that only champagne can provide and the damn thing was still pounding between my temples two days later.
James had found spreadsheets for me. A lot of the documentation was seen only by Amanda. That, alone, was already suspicious.
I went through the sheets and made notes of once off payments that had been made. They had quite a few of those through the last few months. Most of the amounts had invoices and receipts with them and they were all signed off by Amanda.
She knew something of what was going on. I wasn’t sure how much but it was impossible that she had signed off on all of this and was still ignorant.
I leaned back in my chair, giving my eyes a break from focusing on the sheets in front of me. I looked around James’s office – he had insisted I work in it in case Amanda did return earlier than expected.
The office was a nice one. Tall dark shelves covered most of one wall with books that were all about his business on it. Files lined the bottom shelves and file cabinets stood next to the shelves. All business, no pleasure.
James had pictures against the walls – black and white photographs that had been blown up. I recognized Apalachicola in some of them. There were other photos, too, of mansions and yachts and parties. They were all extravagant and classic. None of them had specific people in them, and those that had figures in them didn’t show faces.
It was like he’d distanced himself from everyone. Or maybe I was just looking for something that wasn’t there.
A fake plant – no need for watering – stood in the corner and full-length windows looked out over the city and the river. It was a breathtaking view. It felt like the world was at my feet.
The door opened and I froze.
“Just me,” James said, stepping and closing the door behind him. “How are things going?”
I looked at the spreadsheets in front of me.
“It’s difficult to say at this point,” I said. “Amanda signed off on these… were you involved in the meetings?”
James walked to the window and looked out. He shrugged, both hands in his pockets.
“Some.”
That didn’t sound very partner-like to me.
“Okay… well, the fact that she signed off on them is significant.”
James turned his head to me, his eyes narrowed. I looked for something in him – a spark of what I’d felt the night before – and there was nothing.
“What does that mean?” he asked. “Are you saying she’s been involved?”
I shook my head. “Like I said, it’s difficult to say. But it’s not possible for her to not know anything at all.”
“That’s a double negative,” he said.
Correcting my grammar?
“And?”
“I’m just looking at symbolism.”
I didn’t know what he was on about. He was lost in a world I didn’t understand. Maybe it had always been that way and I had just refused to acknowledge it when I’d thought we could be equals.
James turned his face away from me again. His hair was darker than I remembered it – had it bleached in the sun during our time together or was it just from growing up? It had always been a white blond. It was more like honey now. His eyes were an intense green. That had never changed.
“Well,” I said, pushing my chair backward. “I think Caleb is just about finishing up, now. That will be it for me today.”
James nodded, still looking out of the window. “Thank you for coming.”
“I think I’m going out for lunch,” I said. “Anywhere good?”
James glanced at me.
“First Watch isn’t too far from here. I think you’ll like it. It’s a breakfast and lunch place with decent food.”
I hesitated.
“Would you like to join me?” I asked. My stomach tightened and my heart hammered against my chest the moment I asked. This was do or die, wasn’t it?
James didn’t hesitate before shaking his head, turning to me.
“Thank you, but I’ll take rain check. I have business to see to.”
I nodded and forced a smile. “Of course,” I said. I wouldn’t show him that his rejection got to me. I collected my bag and left the office.
God, I was such an idiot. I didn’t know what had happened last night but it had a lot to do with alcohol, I was sure. James had just been trying to drive a point home, trying to make me stay until he’d had his say. I was the one that had imagined it to be more, the one that had thought maybe he cared enough about me to try again.
I felt embarrassed that I’d tried. What he must think of me!
I wasn’t even going to go out for lunch. I was going to go back to my room and hide under the covers like a teenager until Caleb called me to report back to him.
I had to forget about James. I didn’t know why I’d suddenly thought anything would be different. He hadn’t changed.
I didn’t think he ever would.