Chapter 30 (Breslin)
I shouldn't be doing this.
I take a nervous step up the bleachers, my heart hammering in my chest the entire time.
I didn't plan on coming tonight but as the seconds on the clock ticked by, I couldn't stay away.
Tucking a strand of hair behind my ear, I step up the next bleacher. “Hey,” a familiar deep voice calls out and I freeze.
Warm brown eyes encased by black rimmed glasses meet mine and I swallow hard. We haven't spoken in days, but I guess it's no surprise to see him here.
“Wanna sit?” Landon offers, pointing beside him. I look around, wincing at the turnout. The away team's bleachers are packed with people, but hardly anyone is here for the Wolverines.
My insides constrict in protest but I take a seat next to him anyway.
When my eyes land on a number 3 stretched across a broad and muscular back covered by a gray jersey, I hold my breath and my pulse thrums wildly. We're sitting too high up, making it impossible for him to see us, but he turns toward the bleachers anyhow, helmet in his hand. The look on his face gives nothing away. One would never know just how much is riding on him winning.
The game begins and I'm so nervous for him I nearly puke. I need him to win this game. No matter how much I may hate him, if something ever happened to him...I'll cease to exist. The universe will have to take me too because my soul won't survive it.
I grip the aluminum so hard my knuckles turn white. I try to suck in air, but it's impossible, panic has my body frozen with fear. My pulse kicks up another notch then and everything swirls around me in one big blur.
A warm hand slides over mine, unclenching my hand and squeezing my fingertips.
“Hey,” Landon whispers. “You got an A on your Ethics test.”
I sit there baffled and my jaw hangs open. I have no idea why he's talking about the stupid Ethics test we had yesterday when so much is hanging in the balance. I take a deep breath, intending to tell him off and that's when I realize.
I can breathe again. His statement was nothing more than a distraction so I wouldn't pass out.
He cups my cheek. “Keep breathing for me, sweetheart.”
I nod and suck in more air, focusing on the hint of amber in his eyes. When the away audience erupts in loud cheers, I flinch because I know they scored.
No. They can't win.
Tentacles wrap around my lungs, suffocating me. I can't bring myself to look at the field again, not without losing my shit entirely. “Tell me something,” I say to Landon. “Tell me anything. I need you to keep talking to me.”
His other hand comes around to cup both my cheeks, preventing me from turning my head. “Do you remember the day we met?”
My mind floats back to that day and I smile at the memory. “I was locked out of the apartment with all my stuff because Kit forgot to leave me a key and went off with Becca somewhere.”
He laughs. “You looked so upset sitting against the front door with your head in your hands, cursing at your cell phone.”
“I was so mad at Kit for not leaving me a key. We had to move out of the dorms that day and I had nowhere to go. And neither her or the landlord would answer their phones.” I lick my lips. “But then I saw you leaning against your own door studying me. You were so kind and sweet, offering to let me hang out in your apartment until things got sorted.”
He squeezes his eyes shut. “I was in a really bad place back then.”
His words take me by surprise. “You were?”
When he opens his eyes, they're full of sorrow. “It was the anniversary of Levi's death.” His gaze slides away. “Plenty of anniversaries had passed, but that one was the hardest on me. Or rather, the few months leading up to it were the hardest if I'm being completely honest. I was in a depression so dark, I didn't think I'd ever be able to crawl my way out of it. I stopped socializing with what little friends I had. I stopped taking care of myself and my diabetes. I stopped playing music. I stopped living.”
But you played me music that day.
“I know,” he whispers, and I don't realize I've said those words out loud. “I did.” He inhales and pulls me closer. “I remember lying in bed the night before I met you, praying for a purpose. Praying for someone to love me. Praying for someone to fix me because I didn't think I could go on much longer. I was tired of feeling like people's leftovers. Tired of life in general.”
He recoils. “I was making plans to end it soon, because I couldn't take the pain. I couldn't take how hollow and alone I felt.”
My eyes well with tears and my throat closes up on me again. “Landon.”
His thumb strokes my cheekbone. “And then I met you. And you were adorable, sexy, and stubborn. So full of fire and ice. So different than anyone I'd ever met before. I hung on to every word you said as we talked. I was completely transfixed by you. I still am.”
I draw in a shaky breath and his hand comes to rest on my knee. “And when you told me you loved music, I pulled out my guitar and played for you. It was the first time I played in months.” He smiles and rubs his neck, looking embarrassed. “I even called my boss that night and begged for him to squeeze me in at the Black Spoon and give me my old job back.”
His fingertips draw little circles on my inner thigh that have me trembling. “You told me you were already working at the Black Spoon.”
“I did. I had quit two months before. But I wanted to impress you so I told you that I still worked there. I wanted you to see me play. I wanted you to fall for me the way I was already falling for you.”
I reach up and touch the stubble on his jaw. “I did. God, you were amazing. I remember crushing on you so hard that night.”
“I remember you breathing life back into me, Breslin.”
My heartbeat accelerates as he lowers his head and his lips find the base of my throat. “You saved me that summer,” he murmurs into my pulse. “I'm sorry I ended up returning the favor with someone else. I'm sorry I wasn't able to do for you what you did for me.”
He draws in a deep breath. “And I'm sorry I waited so long to tell you.”
“Why are you telling me now?” I whisper, my voice quivering.
He holds my gaze, tugging me so close that his lips are almost touching mine. “Because the broken recognize the broken, sweetheart. Because I want you to believe that good things can happen when you're at your lowest. Because I want you to put your trust in someone again. But mostly? I want to be the person to fix what everyone else broke in you.” He cups the back of my neck, the pads of his fingers trailing over my vertebra. “I can't speak for him so I won't, but I know that I would rather die than ever hurt you again.”
His words resonate through my bones and a shiver courses through me.
When a tear slips from my eye, he catches it with his thumb. “But the only way this could ever work now is with all three of us. I know you and Asher have a long road ahead of you and you may never be able to heal those old wounds. But deep down inside, I think you want this, or you wouldn't have agreed to it in the first place. So, please give it a real chance before you give up, because you and I both know you have nothing left to lose at this point.”
I open my mouth but it's cut off when the away audience cheers again. Those damn tentacles around my lungs tighten once more when I check the scoreboard.
Woodside Wolverines—0 : Canyon View Cardinals—10
Landon’s wrong. I do have something to lose. We both do.
“Fuck,” Landon mutters when he looks at the scoreboard. “I didn't realize they were that far ahead.” His face pales, the reality appearing to be dawning on him. “Shit, they're going to lose.”
I check my watch and stand up. Half time is in five minutes. “No, they're not.”
His eyebrows crash together. “Where are you going?”
I start walking down the bleachers. I have no idea if this stupid plan of mine will work but it's better than sitting here doing nothing. “What does Asher want?”
He starts walking beside me. “Uh, right now? I'd say to win the game.”
When I give him a look, his face goes slack. “Oh.”
We walk off the field and he grabs my elbow. “Not to be crass, but you can't just barge into the locker room during half time and start blowing him, Bre.”
Ignoring his concern, I make a right turn and see both the locker room and a storage closet.
I point to the storage closet. “I'll be in there. You wait out here and grab him right before he walks in.”
He puts his hands on his hips, looking at me like I've lost my mind. “Bre, I'm not trying to be a buzzkill here but half time is when the coach talks to his players and—”
I close my eyes, hating the memories that are ripping through me. “Whenever he was having a bad game in high school he'd sneak out of the locker room and we'd find a way to make out during half time. All I need is five minutes. I know what I'm doing, Landon.”
“Okay.” He wrests his gaze away from me. “Go in the closet and I'll tell him to meet you there.”
I start to walk away, but not before I reach for his hand. I can't believe I'm agreeing to this, but I know if I don't, I'll regret it forever. Landon was right before, I have nothing left to lose because you can't fall once you've already reached the bottom. And even though a broken heart can't break twice...just maybe it can heal. “Promise you won't hurt me?”
His hands find my waist and he steers me to him. “Never.”
The serious expression on his face and the vehemence in his tone tells me he means it. “Promise not to bring up mine and Asher's past when we're together?”
He tucks two fingers under my chin. “If that's still your deal breaker then I won't. I'll do whatever it takes to keep my promises and not hurt either of you.”
I nod, and then I close the distance between us and kiss him. “I have no idea what I'm agreeing to,” I whisper against his lips.
His fingertips dance up and down my spine. “I don't think any of us do. But we'll figure everything out together. One day at a time.”
“This is so fucked up.”
A grin tugs at his mouth. “Isn't college all about the experience?”
A laugh breaks out of me and it feels so foreign because I can't remember the last time I laughed. But, God it feels good.
He presses a kiss to my forehead. “Fall and I'll catch you. Even if he can't, I always will.”
The sound of heavy footsteps and male voices fill the air and I give him one last kiss before I walk into the storage closet.
“What the hell, Landon?” Asher roars. “I'm in the middle of a fucking game here.”
Landon shoves him inside the closet and closes the door, leaving only the two of us.
The dim light above us flickers, barely illuminating the small space. His large frame is little more than a shadow in front of me. A shadow that haunts me whenever I close my eyes.
Memories slice through me and I rub the spot above my heart, hoping it will take the ache away.
God, I miss him so much.
My heart slams in my chest as I walk to him, reminding me that a broken heart can still beat through all the pain pumping through it.
“Hi,” I whisper into the darkness.
“Breslin?” he questions, his voice gruff.
When he turns around he's right in front of me. “What—”
I don't give him a chance to finish, I jump into his arms, wrapping my body around him. His scent is heady and intoxicating, like testosterone and clean sweat and I can't help but breathe him in.
His large hands slide up and down my body, grazing over my rib cage and slithering down my back. His touch is so familiar it's like his hands have never left. Almost like three years and a broken heart didn't happen.
And right now? It didn't. Because I need to revisit our past to ensure he has a future.
“Breslin,” he repeats, coating my name in such despair and desire my legs that are wrapped around him weaken.
When he licks his lips, my tongue comes out for a taste and he groans. “I don't understand what—”
“Do you want me?”
His response is automatic. “I never stopped wanting you.”
My senses all stand at attention as he pulls me closer. His breathing becomes shallow and his heart thumps against my chest like a jackhammer.
I grab his face, melt into him a little more. “I need you to win for me.”
His shoulders slump. “I—”
I sweep my mouth over his. I intended to give him a peck, a tease at what's to come, but electricity charges through us and he grabs the back of my neck and presses me against the wall, his hard body sinking into me. His kiss is equal parts rough and needy, demanding that I submit and give in.
And I do. Because there is no other choice right now. He gives me no other choice. He never did. I was his the very second he wanted me to be.
His tongue thrusts against mine and I drink him in, letting him poison me, letting him take down all my defenses that I worked so hard to build up.
My hands tangle and twist in his hair, gripping the short strands, and his mouth drops to my neck, licking a path from the tops of my breasts to the hollow of my throat and back up to my lips as he starts unbuttoning my shirt. His rough fingertips smooth over every inch of skin that he uncovers, marking me, claiming me as his once more.
I become lightheaded and my heart plummets as I orbit around him again, drowning in his universe. A universe that I'm so accustomed to, it's like coming back home.
A deep growl rips out of his chest. “I miss you so fucking much.”
Ice injects into my veins, coursing through my bloodstream, causing reality to crash all around me. I wasn't supposed to let myself fall. I was only supposed to temp and goad him. Give him just enough to make him want to win. I have to get control of this situation before everything blows up in smoke.
I sink my teeth into his lower lip until I taste the hint of copper and he finally pulls back. “If you want to fuck me you have to win.”
Confusion spreads across his face. “What?”
“You heard me.” I look at the door. “We can continue where we left things the other night. But only if you get your ass out on that field and play the shit out of the game.”
“Why? I mean, why are you doing this? Why are you helping me?”
“Landon can't lose you,” I tell him, locking my heart back up and tossing away the key. “And I love him enough that I'll do anything for him. Including share him with you.”
It's not a lie. I do love Landon.
His rugged jaw tics and his face turns red with anger. “That's what this was about? He asked you to—”
My stomach free falls, afraid I've ruined my own plan by pushing him away too fast. “No. This wasn't his idea.” I sigh in defeat. “I don't want you to lose.” My hand curves around his face and I look up at him, hoping he can sense the words I won't ever bring myself to say again.
I love you big. I've never stopped loving you.
His body stiffens. The heat in the glare he shoots me is almost tangible. “Don't move from this spot.” He lets go of me and I slip down his body. “When I get back you better be ready.”
He starts to walk away but I halt him. “Ready for what?”
His smile would almost be evil if it wasn't so beautiful. “To continue this war that you keep insisting on, because I'm going to fuck you senseless after I win this game.”
When the latch on the door clicks and Landon appears, he looks at him. “Keep her nice and wet for me.”
My body buzzes as he closes the door and Landon walks inside. Asher's right, I shouldn't keep this little war going on between us but I can't help it. It's how I protect myself. It's how I allow myself to have him. Making him the devil prevents me from seeing the angel he once was.
Landon runs a hand over his head, looking all sorts of puzzled. “What—”
I don't give him a chance to finish that statement because I sink down to my knees, pull down his zipper, and give him a coy smile. “You heard him.”