Chapter 39 (Asher)
The world tilts on its axis and I have to brace my arm against the wall to stop from falling down the stairs. Buying a few rounds at a bar seemed like the right thing to do earlier, but now that everything is starting to whirl, I'm not so sure.
I take another step; my dorm is only a few feet away. I can make it.
I close my eyes and another round of the evil spins hits me. When I exit the staircase, I see some hot guy with a Mohawk and glasses sitting outside my door. Or rather, sleeping outside my door.
In other words, the guy responsible for my current state of alcohol abuse. “Gah da fuck away,” I tell him, my voice sounding all kinds of slurred.
His eyes pop open and he jumps up, but when he reaches for my arm, I push him. “I hate you.” My words are mean and sour and my heart protests the second they leave my mouth, but I don't take them back.
Concern pulls on his features. “You're drunk.”
I get right in his face and poke him in the chest. “And you're an asshole.”
His hand touches my cheek. “We both are.”
I try digging in my pockets for my keys but come up empty.
“Here, let me,” he says and the second his hands are on my body my pulse speeds up. A moment later he pulls them out of my back pocket and the door opens.
“You can stay on the other side,” I tell him as I stride in.
He follows me anyway, closing the door behind him. “You have a final in—” He looks at his watch. “Five hours and 45 minutes.”
I shrug, or at least I think I do. “So?”
I go to sit on my bed but my aim is a little off and I hit the floor with a thud instead. “Fuck.”
“How many drinks did you have?”
I sharpen my gaze, making sure there's one of him and not two. “I wasn't keeping a tally.”
He sits next to me on the floor with his head in his hands. “Everything is so fucked up right now. I don't know how to fix this, Asher.”
I snort, pain gripping my chest. “You can start by sucking my dick, asshole.”
He mumbles something I can't decipher under his breath and before I know what's happening, he's in front of me, reaching for my belt buckle and tugging down my zipper.
I wasn't actually serious, it was just a dig to piss him off, but my balls give a little tingle anyway. Fucking traitors.
I should stop him, but lust and rage are dueling it out with one another, pinging around the walls of my skull. The second his warm mouth is on me my head rolls back.
I'm soft—whiskey dick is a bitch—but he sucks me in long and languid pulls, swirling his tongue around my head before swallowing me deeper.
When he looks up at me, my eyes narrow. “Can you taste her on my cock?” His teeth graze my shaft and I hiss as I begin to thicken in his mouth. But when my gaze snags on him again, I falter. There's so much anguish in his eyes, my chest stings. He's not doing this because he wants to, he's doing this because he wants to fix what happened, because that's who Landon is.
He takes me deeper, but I grip his hair and pull him back up to face me. I need to know what's going through his head. How and why things happened the way they did tonight. How I can resent someone so much for loving the same girl that I do...and yet I know in my heart of hearts that I love him too.
“How did we get here?” I ask and he closes his eyes.
“I wish I knew. All I know for sure is that I'm the odd man out in all this.”
I grip his jaw. “I don't know why you think that.” My heart feels unsteady and I have to force in a breath. “Because she loves you.”
He looks down. “You said it yourself, I'm second best. You and Breslin have a history and a connection that I can never compete with.”
His eyes snap to my face and there's no mistaking the affliction burning in them. “And once she forgives you, that's it. You two will move on without me.” He frowns. “I'm not just in love with one person...I'm in love with two people who will never be able to love me the way I love them.”
I tip his chin up. “That's not true.” My hand slides to his neck and I pull him closer. “Trust me, I know just how much she loves you, because I watch her give you everything that she used to give me.”
He searches my face, his frown deepening. “She won't admit it but she still loves you too, Asher.”
“No, she hates that she used to love me, big difference. And I know now that we'll never get back what we had. She'll never forgive me for the way that I hurt her.” Something in my chest dislodges. “God, I miss her so fucking much.”
I miss her laughter and her smiles. The way I used to hold her in my arms before she fell asleep. Or how whenever something good happened to me she was the first person I wanted to tell. I miss holding her hand and kissing her. I miss her filling the void and fixing all my fucked up pieces in that way that only she can.
But she has all of that with him now.
When he pulls me into his arms, I collapse, the feeling in my chest is almost paralyzing. “And why shouldn't she be with you. You're the good guy. The perfect one. The one that she deserves and the right choice for her.” I snort. “Hell, you're so perfect you made me fall for you.”
“I'm not perfect, Asher.” His lips hover over my ear and his breathing becomes strained, almost like it hurts him to say his next statement.
“If I was perfect, I wouldn't have done what I did earlier.” His breath stutters in his chest. “If I was perfect, I would have told her the truth about what happened. The truth about that asshole Kyle and the blackmail.” His face contorts in pain. “I had the opening...but I couldn't do it. I wanted to keep her mine a little longer. I was so afraid that once she realized the truth...there would be no room left in her heart for me. She wouldn't need me to fix her anymore because she wouldn't be broken.” He bows his head. “And it goes without saying that you wouldn't need me, either and I'd lose the both of you.”
He looks up to the ceiling. “Fuck, I am a horrible person. I spewed so much shit about us all being able to get through things together and this relationship being the best thing for all of us. But in the end, I was the one who folded and fucked up when things got hard. I was the one who couldn't handle it when things didn't go my way.”
“Well, in your defense, it's not exactly easy or conventional. I don't see how it ever could be considering everything that's happened between us.”
He sits back against the bed frame. “You're right. I just don't know how to fix this now. I don't know what the fuck happens from this point on.” His eyes turn hard. “I don't know how to stop hating you.”
A frustrated breath escapes me. “I don't either.”
“I suppose I could start by saying that I'm sorry for punching you.” He winces. “And choking you.”
I look over at him and grin. “I'd say I'm sorry for fucking her when you were wound up, but we'd both know that would be a lie.”
His eyes flash. “Asshole.”
“You know what they say...it takes one to know one.”
His eyebrows pinch together. “Can I ask you something really freaking weird?”
“As long as you don't punch me again when I answer honestly.”
“You said before that Breslin was in love with me, but where do you stand?” He looks down at the ground. “I know it's strange for me to ask considering we attacked each other earlier. It's just, with everything so fucked up between all of us right now, I figure I have nothing left to lose since you don't have to lie about your feelings for me anymore.”
My heart twists with those words and I shift on the floor so I'm facing him. “I never lied about my feelings for you. They just fluctuate between wanting to fuck you and wanting to kill you. Because I hate watching you live the life that I was supposed to have with her, if that makes any sense.”
He nods. “I can understand that.”
“If I was a better man, I'd walk away from you both and let you be happy together. But I'm a selfish bastard, Landon.” My insides dip as I continue. “So even if I can't have her, it doesn't mean that I don't still want or need you.”
I inhale and try to stop my head from spinning because I've never been good at explaining myself and I don't want to fuck it up. I've never had feelings for another guy like I do with him.
“The truth is, meeting you changed my life in all the best and worst ways. And even if all my wishes came true and Breslin ended up forgiving me and we got our happily ever after...I'd still want you by my side. Because my life wouldn't be the same without you now that you're in it.” I rub my chest. “I guess what I'm trying to say is—you have a piece of this.” I look at him. “You're my best friend. And my worst enemy, depending on the day and all.”
I tap my chest. “But you're in here—even if you don't want to be— your spot is permanent.” I look around the room. “I suck at explaining things and it's probably not the most—”
The second his lips are on mine, the world spins for a different reason entirely and all the anger and pain I felt evaporates with each soft stroke of his tongue.
“I guess I'm not that bad at explaining things after all,” I say into his mouth.
He shakes his head. “You flipped my life upside down and you changed everything I thought I knew about myself. You also piss me off and I'm so envious of you that I can't see straight sometimes, but I love you, Asher. Even when it feels like hate and bitterness...there's still love.”
He starts to speak again, but I crush my mouth against his.
Since the second our lives intertwined, he's been my anchor that saves me when I'm drowning and sinking further into the depths. He knows me better than anyone else, because he's the only one who knows what it feels like to be me. But most of all? He gives me chances when I don't deserve them. He makes me believe things can be different. He gives me hope when I have none.
“Your mouth tastes like a distillery,” he says and we both laugh, until I realize.
“Don't you have a flight to catch? What time do you have to be at the airport?”
He checks his watch. “In a few hours.” He draws out a sigh. “I should be more concerned about you not being able to make it to your final in time.”
He reaches over and sets the alarm on my clock. Then he pats his thigh. “Come on, you lush, you can still catch some sleep before your final.”
My eyes close the second my head hits his lap. “You're just gonna watch me while I sleep?”
He grabs the sheet off the bed and drapes it over me. “Until I have to go to the airport.” He pauses. “I'd go to the coffee shop to say goodbye to Breslin but...” his voice trails off.
“What's she doing at a coffee shop right now?”
“She said she's studying.” His voice softens. “She also said she needed to take some time out and think about things. And as much as it hurts...I think maybe she's right. This whole thing spiraled out of control tonight.”
“It did.”
I feel his sharp intake of breath. “Maybe it's a good thing I'm leaving in a few hours. Maybe a break is what we all need so we can sort out our shit.”
“What if we can't sort out our shit?”
He runs his fingers over my scalp, lulling me to sleep. “We just need to have faith. Because in the end, things have a way of working out exactly the way they were meant to.”
That's the last thing I hear him say before I drift off.