Chapter Fourteen
Megan
“Did you like the movie?” Phil asked me.
It had been just another run of the mill action-romance flick, but what I had really enjoyed was being with Phil without being interrupted by any exes. It wasn’t that I had felt legitimately threatened, but my insecurities had been stirred up by Anna’s presence. All those fears and worries had disappeared that night in the park when Phil had held my hand and told me all about his past.
“I did,” I said. “Standard popcorn movie, but it’s nice to turn your brain off once in a while.”
“Definitely,” he nodded. “Especially lately.”
“It’s been a stressful few weeks for you, hasn’t it?” I asked.
“Life as a fireman is unpredictable, but I suppose the one thing that’s constant is the stress. It’s part of the job, though, so it’s part of my life now.”
“Do you remember your first rescue?” I asked.
Phil smiled. “Of course.” He nodded. “I was like a headless chicken, but in the end, everything ended well. It was a small fire in a house in this little cul-de-sac near Leighton. No one was in at the time of the fire except the family dog. When I walked outside with that little dog strapped under my arm, I got the biggest round of applause I’d ever gotten in my life.”
I smiled. “That’s a nice story.”
“I wish they could all be that nice.”
We held hands and walked down the pavement away from the theater and towards Covent Street. It was full of little restaurants and pubs, and we would have our pick of cuisine.
“What do you feel like eating?” Phil asked me.
“There are so many places to choose from,” I said. “But to be honest, they’re all crowded, and I kind of prefer a more laid-back atmosphere.”
“Actually, that sounds nice,” he agreed. “How about we get takeout from General Tao’s? That way we can find a nice quiet spot somewhere and eat there.”
“Great idea,” I nodded.
After we had our food, we walked around the area looking for a place to sit and eat. In the end, we found ourselves at another park. We walked over to the abandoned benches and sat down opposite one another.
“Parks are becoming our thing,” Phil pointed out.
“I was just about to say the same thing.” I nodded.
We unpacked the cartons of food and started eating. It was a wonderful night. The sky was filled with blinking stars, and the night air was cool, but not unbearably so. It was quiet and romantic, and there was an air of promise about the wind. Every so often a car would pass by, but the sound was muffled, almost distant, and didn’t bother us at all.
“Hey…I have a question for you,” I said.
“You can ask me anything.” Phil nodded.
“Well…it’s about Anna.”
“Oh,” he replied, but he smiled a little.
“I don’t want you to think I’m jealous or angry about that night,” I said, wanting to make that clear. “I’m just…curious. That’s all.”
“Don’t worry, Megan,” Phil said. “I stand by what I said; you can ask me anything.”
“You told me that you broke up with her during your training period?”
“Yes.” He nodded.
“Was it mutual?”
“I’m the one who broached the subject of ending things,” Phil replied. “But the fact that she agreed so readily told me that she was thinking of breaking up with me, too. I knew I was neglecting her, and I knew she wasn’t happy…”
“Was that your only reason for breaking up with her?” I asked.
“Well, no,” Phil admitted. “I suppose I wanted to concentrate on my training and my job. To be honest, it was a little inconvenient having a girlfriend at that point. And, I started to realize that I was beginning to resent her for splitting my focus and for expecting me to be around a lot. I expected her to understand, and most often, she didn’t.”
“I see.” I nodded. “I suppose that brings up another important question. How is our relationship different to that one?”
Phil’s eyes were serious and somber, and I knew he was taking this seriously. “Because I’m different now,” he said. “I know that doesn’t sound like much of a reason, but it’s the only way I can think of to explain. I needed to be selfish at that point to get through my training. It was a long and arduous period, and it required one hundred percent commitment on my part.
“I’ve been a firefighter now for about four years, and in those four years, I haven’t had a serious relationship with anyone. There have been women, but they were nothing more than passing ships in the night. Anna was my last relationship.
“I suppose meeting you made me realize that I was ready to try my hand at a relationship again. Not just because I achieved what I set out to achieve, but because I realized that…I was lonely.”
“It’s strange,” I said. “That’s exactly what I felt like when I met you…lonely.”
“Did you move out here just because your brother lived here?”
“Partly.” I nodded. “But also because I didn’t want to move back home. I didn’t want to be too close to my parents.”
“Brent never talks about them very much.”
“Because they’ve always been embarrassing,” I said honestly. “And, I don’t mean embarrassing in the way most people mean it. They’re the kind of people who’re stuck in the past, with all these archaic ideas about how the world should work. It’s the kind of backward thinking that chased Brent away the first chance he got. They’re my parents, and I love them… But I can’t help feeling that I love them sometimes because I have to.”
Phil smiled. “That makes a lot of sense.”
I paused for a moment, wondering if I should tell him or not. I knew I was being hypocritical. I had wanted him to be honest with me. I had wanted him to share his past with me, and I hadn’t given him the same courtesy. He deserved to know my secrets, too, and he had more than earned the right to ask. Which was why the fact that he had not asked me yet made me admire and respect him that much more.
“I didn’t tell them that I dropped out of college until a month after I had done it,” I confessed.
“How did they take it?” he asked.
I sighed deeply. “Not well. They accused me of shaming them and lying to them. They ordered me to go back and finish, but I had to say no.”
“Why?”
I glanced up at him. “I had this professor called John Gilbert. He was this charismatic older professor who had reached tenure about a year or so back. He was extremely respected among the alumni, and I had to admit, I was pretty impressed with him myself. I was struggling through my course a little. He offered to personally tutor me, which was surprising, but of course, I jumped at the opportunity.”
I paused for a moment, unwilling to remember those awful months under his tutorship. But I needed to tell Phil this because he deserved to know. “The first private tutoring session we had was…amazing. He was friendlier than I’d expected. He was patient and funny and really, really interesting. I was so looking forward to the second session, and I practically rushed to it that second week.
“The second class we had together made me slightly uncomfortable. He was a little friendlier than was professional, and he kept touching me. It wasn’t anything major, he just kept touching my arm and shoulder… But he did it so much that I started to wonder.”
Phil’s expression had turned dark, but now that I had started talking, I knew I couldn’t stop.
“He kept this up for the next few sessions and I almost got used to it. I guess I just made excuses for him and there was really nothing too inappropriate about his closeness. And then…slowly it began to get worse.”
“He didn’t…he didn’t…rape you, did he?” Phil asked, as though he were choking out the words.
“No,” I said quickly. “No, thank God, it never went that far. But he did kiss me. It was completely unexpected, and I was taken off guard. Maybe that was why I froze. He took that to mean I was willing and started to pull up my skirt. When he reached my underwear, something in me snapped, and I pushed him away from me.”
“What did he do?” Phil asked, leaning towards me.
“He looked at me for a moment, and then he adjusted his shirt as though nothing had happened. He told me he’d see me at our next session and then basically dismissed me.
“I was so shocked, I just grabbed my bag and left. I wanted to stop going for the private tutoring sessions, but I actually needed the help. I assumed that he’d just misread the signs and he’d made a mistake. I assumed that if I went back again, he’d keep his hands to himself and pretend like nothing had happened.”
“You went back?” Phil asked. I looked for judgment in his tone, but there was none.
“It was stupid and naïve and short-sighted, but yes… I went back, thinking we would just ignore what had happened the last time.”
“He did it again,” Phil said knowingly.
“This time, he got angry when I pushed him away,” I said softy. “He told me that I was a tease and a seductress, and that I had wanted him to touch me. I had brought this on myself.”
“That bastard,” Phil said, through gritted teeth.
“When I tried to leave, he blocked the door and tried to kiss me again. This time, I shoved him away from me as hard as I could, and he stumbled back and nearly fell. I threatened to go to the dean and report him.
“But he reminded me that I was just a student, and he had tenure, not to mention the dean’s ear. All he had to do was tell everyone that I had come on to him in hopes that I could seduce him into giving me a good grade.”
“That motherfucker,” Phil said angrily.
“After that… I stopped going to his classes. He kept trying to contact me, and I finally realized that I couldn’t stay there. He had all the power, and I had none.”
“You should have gone to the police,” Phil said. “And reported him. If the dean wasn’t going to listen to you—”
“The police weren’t going to listen to me either,” I said, cutting him off. “This is a man’s world, Phil—everything works against me, including the system.”
“You really believe that?” he asked.
“If I didn’t believe that, I wouldn’t have left,” I told him. “I don’t regret leaving, you know. The only thing I regret is not being able to finish my degree.”
He shook his head. “It’s not fair, what happened to you.”
“Life’s not fair,” I said. “But it needs to be endured all the same. I can start over… that’s why I came here in the first place. It doesn’t matter that John Gilbert thinks he’s achieved by running me out of town; he hasn’t won at all because I will start over. I have started over.”
Phil reached out and took my hand. “You’re stronger than you look. I knew that the day I met you.”
I smiled. “I always thought that about myself, too.”
“You should go back to school,” Phil said. “A new school, somewhere here… You should transfer your credits and finish your degree.”
“I’ve been thinking about it.” I nodded. “But I have to earn the money to pay for my tuition first. My parents are not going to help because of what happened last time.”
“You can do it,” Phil said confidently.
I smiled. “You think so?”
“Oh, without a doubt,” Phil said firmly. “You’re made of stronger stuff than ever knew. But don’t worry… I know it.”